A safe place for anxiety sufferers to share.

OffSheGoes35

lastexitlondon said:

Im stuck  with symptoms  again.I cant not have symptoms for even a week. Ive obsessively  purchased  so may vitamins.  Amino acids and pro biotics  plus more.  Im making life miserable for my partner and added pressure  of her 18 year old who has a 5 month old who is alone and not behaving properly to make me feel in more danger.  I am sober and hate  it. I want out

I always like how you mention your concern for your partner. Does she know that even though you're going through the roughest of patches--you're still holding her close?

lastexitlondon

She does i tell her everyday  how much i love her and how im so sorry i feel like such a burden. I take our 2 year old to my garden so she gets a break. And i make dinner lots. Without her i would be dead  already.
Thank  you all so much. To know people care means a great deal to me.

Matts3221

lastexitlondon said:

She does i tell her everyday  how much i love her and how im so sorry i feel like such a burden. I take our 2 year old to my garden so she gets a break. And i make dinner lots. Without her i would be dead  already.
Thank  you all so much. To know people care means a great deal to me.

Rob you are such a strong person , I had a break down this weekend , my wife sat me down and let me know I was so shorted fused I was becoming mean and taking it out on her.

Sadly after focusing on this for a little while I realized she was correct , too much news , too much weed , too much stress , just too much.

Had a tele med appointment with my Dr today and going back to therapy , also this happened on Friday and it was a nice weekend here , there is a community college right down the road from me so its a giant empty parking lot so one lap around the whole thing is one mile. I used to talk about moving and running and how much it helps and the past couple of months I have shut down on all of it.

Saturday - 10.6 miles

Sunday - 10.8 miles

Monday  - 8.2 miles

This was huge as well , sun on my face , 29 miles over three days , talking to my doctor , getting set up with new therapy.

Rob my thoughts are with you , I think I just hit rock bottom on Friday and am now coming out the hole that all of us have been in for the past 2-3 months. Love to you and your family.   

JPPJ84

Matts3221 said:

lastexitlondon said:

She does i tell her everyday  how much i love her and how im so sorry i feel like such a burden. I take our 2 year old to my garden so she gets a break. And i make dinner lots. Without her i would be dead  already.
Thank  you all so much. To know people care means a great deal to me.

Rob you are such a strong person , I had a break down this weekend , my wife sat me down and let me know I was so shorted fused I was becoming mean and taking it out on her.

Sadly after focusing on this for a little while I realized she was correct , too much news , too much weed , too much stress , just too much.

Had a tele med appointment with my Dr today and going back to therapy , also this happened on Friday and it was a nice weekend here , there is a community college right down the road from me so its a giant empty parking lot so one lap around the whole thing is one mile. I used to talk about moving and running and how much it helps and the past couple of months I have shut down on all of it.

Saturday - 10.6 miles

Sunday - 10.8 miles

Monday  - 8.2 miles

This was huge as well , sun on my face , 29 miles over three days , talking to my doctor , getting set up with new therapy.

Rob my thoughts are with you , I think I just hit rock bottom on Friday and am now coming out the hole that all of us have been in for the past 2-3 months. Love to you and your family.   

Matt, I‘m glad you’re able to pick yourself up again time and time again. Thank goodness you have a wonderful, supportive wife
stay safe everyone 

Matts3221

JPPJ84 said:

Matts3221 said:

lastexitlondon said:

She does i tell her everyday  how much i love her and how im so sorry i feel like such a burden. I take our 2 year old to my garden so she gets a break. And i make dinner lots. Without her i would be dead  already.
Thank  you all so much. To know people care means a great deal to me.

Rob you are such a strong person , I had a break down this weekend , my wife sat me down and let me know I was so shorted fused I was becoming mean and taking it out on her.

Sadly after focusing on this for a little while I realized she was correct , too much news , too much weed , too much stress , just too much.

Had a tele med appointment with my Dr today and going back to therapy , also this happened on Friday and it was a nice weekend here , there is a community college right down the road from me so its a giant empty parking lot so one lap around the whole thing is one mile. I used to talk about moving and running and how much it helps and the past couple of months I have shut down on all of it.

Saturday - 10.6 miles

Sunday - 10.8 miles

Monday  - 8.2 miles

This was huge as well , sun on my face , 29 miles over three days , talking to my doctor , getting set up with new therapy.

Rob my thoughts are with you , I think I just hit rock bottom on Friday and am now coming out the hole that all of us have been in for the past 2-3 months. Love to you and your family.   

Matt, I‘m glad you’re able to pick yourself up again time and time again. Thank goodness you have a wonderful, supportive wife
stay safe everyone 

Thank you , there is always light at the end of the tunnel sometimes we just have our blinders up for a while and cannot see it.

Tuesday 5.6 miles
Wednesday - 7.4 miles

I honestly was just blinded with depression and anxiety , even when I thought I was holding it together I realize now I was not. 
On my Monday walk I listen to PJ live show were they played No Code front to back, I started crying when Present Tense came on because these words mean so much to me right now.

" You can spend your time alone , redigesting past regrets
  Or you can come to terms and realize
  Your the only one who can't forgive yourself
  Makes much more sense to live in the present tense" 

hedonist

I listened to that the other morning and felt similarly. I also love how the chaos of Lukin transcends to the clarity and (self)peace of PT. 

brianlux

Whoa, weird day.  Started out with anxiety over having to go get checked out for skin cancer related problems.  Normally routine stuff, but I haven't really been anywhere for two months and so that was weird enough right there plus it was one of those, "Yeah, you really should come in and get it checked out" things.  Ah, shit, alright.  And then I'm told that the surgeon who does the Mohs surgery for basal cell carcinomas can't get up here to do it for a while.  But my regular skin doctor said she could do a Curettage and electrodesiccation.   I'll spare the details, but it's a nasty procedure when done to the side of the nose with all those nerve ending there.  If it had been an arm or a knee, no big deal, but on the face?  Getouttahere!  So I'm walking around in face pain the rest of the day and next thing I know, my ears start roaring in my head.  The ringing is one thing, but the roaring sounds are ominous and rattle my cage BIG time.  So I tried to dull it all with alcohol but I couldn't get past a beer and a half a shot of tequila (my body isn't real cool with alcohol), and the little green smoke I had made me a bit too paranoid.  But shit, no way am I taking those pills ever again.  No freakin' way.  Benzodiazepines and antidepressants are like my legal form of Steppenwolf's "God damn the pusher man."  No freakin' way.

Sorry for whining.  I'll hack it.  In the long run, I'm hackin', not packin'.

lastexitlondon

Sending strength and love your way brian. Hold on tight and you  are good at riding these episodes out with a positive  outlook. Also my shit  aside im thinking of matt also and i read all these  amd often  dont want to add  my stuff to other  people in times  of despair. 
I found a whole  day alone in my allotment garden in the sun a release. But woke awake to go down hill for no reason.
On a side note last night glen Hansard  did a live gig from a library. Well worth a watch. Other voices on you tube. Its just moving if you are a fan of his. The man is a gift

Matts3221

JPPJ84 said:

Matts3221 said:

lastexitlondon said:

She does i tell her everyday  how much i love her and how im so sorry i feel like such a burden. I take our 2 year old to my garden so she gets a break. And i make dinner lots. Without her i would be dead  already.
Thank  you all so much. To know people care means a great deal to me.

Rob you are such a strong person , I had a break down this weekend , my wife sat me down and let me know I was so shorted fused I was becoming mean and taking it out on her.

Sadly after focusing on this for a little while I realized she was correct , too much news , too much weed , too much stress , just too much.

Had a tele med appointment with my Dr today and going back to therapy , also this happened on Friday and it was a nice weekend here , there is a community college right down the road from me so its a giant empty parking lot so one lap around the whole thing is one mile. I used to talk about moving and running and how much it helps and the past couple of months I have shut down on all of it.

Saturday - 10.6 miles

Sunday - 10.8 miles

Monday  - 8.2 miles

This was huge as well , sun on my face , 29 miles over three days , talking to my doctor , getting set up with new therapy.

Rob my thoughts are with you , I think I just hit rock bottom on Friday and am now coming out the hole that all of us have been in for the past 2-3 months. Love to you and your family.   

Matt, I‘m glad you’re able to pick yourself up again time and time again. Thank goodness you have a wonderful, supportive wife
stay safe everyone 

Yeah can I give a big shout out to all of our husband / wives / partners who are there for us and help us thru our rough times. There is so much love with my wife but she is a saint for the times I fall off the deep end. I am always there for here when she hits hard times but the people in our lives who help us are true heros.

brianlux

lastexitlondon said:

Sending strength and love your way brian. Hold on tight and you  are good at riding these episodes out with a positive  outlook. Also my shit  aside im thinking of matt also and i read all these  amd often  dont want to add  my stuff to other  people in times  of despair. 
I found a whole  day alone in my allotment garden in the sun a release. But woke awake to go down hill for no reason.
On a side note last night glen Hansard  did a live gig from a library. Well worth a watch. Other voices on you tube. Its just moving if you are a fan of his. The man is a gift

Thanks, my friend, you hang in there too.  A little time in the garden and sun sounds nice.

Yeah, I love it that some of our favorite musicians are posting performances on the internet.  One of my favorites, Steve Wynn has done some cool stuff from his home in NYC.

Stay safe and well, all.

Fifthelement

Thinking about everyone here.  I hope your all managing to get through your days relatively unscathed.  Each of you are amazing!   Much love❤️

lastexitlondon

What a lovely message. I need that  today i am at my wits end.  
I need an out . Im doing  everything  right but it maybe time for some kind of  vice.
Im losing the point of living

brianlux

Fifthelement said:

Thinking about everyone here.  I hope your all managing to get through your days relatively unscathed.  Each of you are amazing!   Much love❤️

What a nice thing to say!  Thank you!

lastexitlondon

Has anyone  here ever phoned the Samaritans?
I only ask because i need to get help and its  a pandemic and today is the lowest ive felt i know the damage i am causeing  and  i know my death would hurt a lot of people but over the  last 3 days i cant stop thoughts  and i can see the  harm someone like me puts on loved ones. I want it to stop but it never will. 
I lost one family and didn't  see the harm being  me had caused until after. 
My partner said i should  call someone but who. 

JPPJ84

Hi Rob,
definitely call someone. Here are two numbers in the UK, the second specifically for men. You can also chat to them.

Talk it all off your chest!
Thinking of you

lastexitlondon

Thank you very much. Im feeling  scared  to make a call but  i want to. So i will put the number  on my phone and if i go to my car i will sit and try 

JPPJ84

lastexitlondon said:

Thank you very much. Im feeling  scared  to make a call but  i want to. So i will put the number  on my phone and if i go to my car i will sit and try 

There’s no shame in calling. Please don’t be scared, we‘re all behind you. 

23scidoo

lastexitlondon said:

Has anyone  here ever phoned the Samaritans?
I only ask because i need to get help and its  a pandemic and today is the lowest ive felt i know the damage i am causeing  and  i know my death would hurt a lot of people but over the  last 3 days i cant stop thoughts  and i can see the  harm someone like me puts on loved ones. I want it to stop but it never will. 
I lost one family and didn't  see the harm being  me had caused until after. 
My partner said i should  call someone but who. 

Stay strong Rob, sure lot of people care about you..

Matts3221

lastexitlondon said:

Thank you very much. Im feeling  scared  to make a call but  i want to. So i will put the number  on my phone and if i go to my car i will sit and try 

Thinking of you today my friend , stay strong please , don't be afraid to reach out or to just rant on here if you like. Feel free to post as much as you want.

Fifthelement

@lastexitlondon

Rob, you are in my heart and thoughts.  I hope that you were, are, able to reach out for help.  It’s the strongest you will ever have to be.  Your PJ family is here to support you if and when needed.  You are loved!

what dreams

lastexitlondon said:

Thank you very much. Im feeling  scared  to make a call but  i want to. So i will put the number  on my phone and if i go to my car i will sit and try 

I hope you reached out or found clarity on your own. It's hard to take the first step but then when it's over you wonder why you were so scared. Thinking of you and wishing you well

Matts3221

@lastexitlondon just checking in to see how you are doing. This is a safe place so post whatever you whenever you want. Thinking of you my friend.

hedonist

Good thoughts to you, Rob. I hope you were able to find some concrete assistance. It’s there for you; just take that difficult first step. Doing that in itself can be liberating. 

lastexitlondon

I phoned my dr and he told me to take pills.  I tried  half and it knocked me out and i just woke feel like ive been in  a car accident. This  cant be the way. He recognised i was in agony. His words.  And said for now  take pills . Quitiapine . Man they are too strong i will never be awake  and my garden plot will all die.

Fifthelement

Check with the doc/pharmacist and see if there is another way.  Can you start on a half dose and work up?  You know as well as we do, meds take time.  Don’t give up on treatment.

Wishing all the best for you Rob.

lastexitlondon

Yeah i took only half. He said 2 a day. He is agood guy. Spoke to me for a while and said call back tues. 
I dont like  to post depressing shit here so much. But i really am left with very little choice or hope  . Im better off drinking  and thats sad. The truth is . Its better than this. 
I still am very sure im not for this  world at all anymore. Im trying  to control the uncontrollable  and thats not just this virus its the  people  i love  ,who i cant  make like me and would  never want that.
But for example  my partner has no obligation to me. We have a daughter but i get the impression  its ruined.

mickeyrat

lastexitlondon said:

I phoned my dr and he told me to take pills.  I tried  half and it knocked me out and i just woke feel like ive been in  a car accident. This  cant be the way. He recognised i was in agony. His words.  And said for now  take pills . Quitiapine . Man they are too strong i will never be awake  and my garden plot will all die.

explain thay will you? feel like you've been in a car accident.

what was sleep like before?

have specific reason for asking. will share why after your answer.

lastexitlondon

The tablets i mean being too strong. I only took half and my arms and legs were so heavy in my sleep i struggled  to get them moving when drifting in and out. I slept so much.

mickeyrat

lastexitlondon said:

The tablets i mean being too strong. I only took half and my arms and legs were so heavy in my sleep i struggled  to get them moving when drifting in and out. I slept so much.

but were you rested on awakening? describe the first half hour.

what was sleep like without this med?

lastexitlondon

Without i woke at 4 a.m having been asleep and  maybe i woke once or twice moving around.  I have tennis  elbow bad so it wakes me.. when i woke today i felt like a zombie for an hour. But ok now.