A safe place for anxiety sufferers to share.

lastexitlondon

The power  of strangers or friends ive not met is a better  phrase , has an amazing affect on me.

lastexitlondon

Matts3221 said:

lastexitlondon said:

Thanks matt. How are you?

Rob first and foremost with everything going on right now with you and simply asking how I am doing shows what an amazing human you are.

I am doing ok , I started therapy again and have had two doctors appointments ( everything was via facetime ) , so things are looking up but that said a long way to go.

I first need to clean the bases of myself off , my fears of Covid-19 , my coping skills need to be refined a bit.

Once this is over I need to move to a much deeper level of what this is all about , I have been in therapy for five years before but I learned a lot about my cognitive behavior but never really got to root problems , deep childhood trauma that I have blocked out for so long.

I have been looking at when this is all over doing mushroom therapy , at least here in the US some doctors will have you clear out a whole day , they give me a does of mushrooms and with my therapist along with two doctors they guide me thru my life and hopeful I find some peace when it is all over.

Until then just deep breaths , still getting out to get 3-10 miles a day depending on the weather. Seems to be helping.   

Mushrooms is a brave direction.  I did  them as a young man and it was not for me. But if its an avenue you  can handle good on you. Im definatly  interested  in hearing about it when you get a chance. 

Matts3221

lastexitlondon said:

Matts3221 said:

lastexitlondon said:

Thanks matt. How are you?

Rob first and foremost with everything going on right now with you and simply asking how I am doing shows what an amazing human you are.

I am doing ok , I started therapy again and have had two doctors appointments ( everything was via facetime ) , so things are looking up but that said a long way to go.

I first need to clean the bases of myself off , my fears of Covid-19 , my coping skills need to be refined a bit.

Once this is over I need to move to a much deeper level of what this is all about , I have been in therapy for five years before but I learned a lot about my cognitive behavior but never really got to root problems , deep childhood trauma that I have blocked out for so long.

I have been looking at when this is all over doing mushroom therapy , at least here in the US some doctors will have you clear out a whole day , they give me a does of mushrooms and with my therapist along with two doctors they guide me thru my life and hopeful I find some peace when it is all over.

Until then just deep breaths , still getting out to get 3-10 miles a day depending on the weather. Seems to be helping.   

Mushrooms is a brave direction.  I did  them as a young man and it was not for me. But if its an avenue you  can handle good on you. Im definatly  interested  in hearing about it when you get a chance. 

I tired them once when I was 30 ( 41 now ) and for me was not a good time , although I had no reason to take them other than " I want to try this"

I have thought many years about this type of therapy and I think with three doctors in the room and being guided thru it with me knowing I am using this for the hope of finding the core issues of what really makes me me and not just to get "fucked up" for lack of a better word.

Everything I have read over the years makes me feel that it will be different , I personal have no need to do them just at my house for "fun" nor would I want to but for a medical reason I am ready to try it.

My therapist ( my old one that I started to see again ) does do this , however with Covid I don't think it will be this summer that I will be able to try but hopeful in the fall. I will happily give a full breakdown good or bad to you once I have done it.

I know the full session last 10 hours as they start in the morning and even after you have come down they still talk you thru things , I sign a waiver and obviously my wife would drop me off and pick me up. She does support the idea again because of the science behind it and Im not just taking them and heading off into the wood ( although if that is someones thing on this board not shading you at all just not my thing )

lastexitlondon

I just had a call to tell me another friend i played football  with had died. 
I was closer to this  friend than the last. He lived on tge next street and leaves behind 2 small children. He crashed  his van at 4.30am. I dont know if it was an accident. Only the  family know  about this and me .
I feel like i cant take this in. 
I let myself  down the last couple of days.
I smoked 2 joints and at first it was nice. Then it fucked me up so much.
Now another  friend has died. And to add to it i made myself look ignorant in another thread  i had no idea what i said was anything  more than wanting all people to be cared about. I dont know i feel  like im done with all this. Fuck.
I dont  use the internet only my phone to come on here.  My daughter  explained what trump  fans are saying and why im not writing what i feel but offence . Jeez i cant take all this. My son just went for a covid test and im scared. Sorry just got to let it out. I fear i will drink and i need something.

brianlux

lastexitlondon said:

I just had a call to tell me another friend i played football  with had died. 
I was closer to this  friend than the last. He lived on tge next street and leaves behind 2 small children. He crashed  his van at 4.30am. I dont know if it was an accident. Only the  family know  about this and me .
I feel like i cant take this in. 
I let myself  down the last couple of days.
I smoked 2 joints and at first it was nice. Then it fucked me up so much.
Now another  friend has died. And to add to it i made myself look ignorant in another thread  i had no idea what i said was anything  more than wanting all people to be cared about. I dont know i feel  like im done with all this. Fuck.
I dont  use the internet only my phone to come on here.  My daughter  explained what trump  fans are saying and why im not writing what i feel but offence . Jeez i cant take all this. My son just went for a covid test and im scared. Sorry just got to let it out. I fear i will drink and i need something.

I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your friend.  It's so hard to loose people you care about.  One of the hardest things there is.

As for the shaming brought down on you by certain self-righteous members there in that AMT thread, put them on ignore.  They are not worth losing sleep over.  If some of them can't see that your words were only meant to be caring and if they cannot inform in a decent matter, they are not worth your time or mine. 

And good luck with your son's Covid test.  I hope it comes out negative and he is well.

deadendp

lastexitlondon said:

I just had a call to tell me another friend i played football  with had died. 
I was closer to this  friend than the last. He lived on tge next street and leaves behind 2 small children. He crashed  his van at 4.30am. I dont know if it was an accident. Only the  family know  about this and me .
I feel like i cant take this in. 
I let myself  down the last couple of days.
I smoked 2 joints and at first it was nice. Then it fucked me up so much.
Now another  friend has died. And to add to it i made myself look ignorant in another thread  i had no idea what i said was anything  more than wanting all people to be cared about. I dont know i feel  like im done with all this. Fuck.
I dont  use the internet only my phone to come on here.  My daughter  explained what trump  fans are saying and why im not writing what i feel but offence . Jeez i cant take all this. My son just went for a covid test and im scared. Sorry just got to let it out. I fear i will drink and i need something.

Rob,

I am so sorry to hear of another loss.  

Okay, you've let yourself down.  Don't we all fuck up and do that from time to time?  My point is to take in what went on, look at how it changed things for you.  Confirm whether that was a positive or a backslide.  Stop beating yourself up for it.  Take it as a learning or confirming experience and move onward.  

Please don't beat yourself up over AMT.  (No offense to the AMT dwellers here.)  I pop in RARELY because it makes me angry.  I don't want to be angry.  When I am angry, I sometimes don't express myself well.  (Sometimes when I'm not angry I don't express myself well.)  If you wanna hang in AMT, try read-only for a bit.  

Trump fans can be very extreme.  I will probably be controversial when I say that one of my best friends is a Trump supporter.  Her family is, too.  We have constructive conversations.  I appreciate being able to talk back and forth about things with her.  He as an individual just does not take me where I need to go.  I won't go into it here, because there is no need to derail a thread.  (I could go to AMT about it, but hooo-Nellie, I will not.)  

First, I'm glad that your son is able to get a COVID test if he needs one.  That is still an illusive animal around here.  Secondly, positive or negative, I'm hoping that the test leads them to answers so that they are able to help your son to heal from whatever ails him.  

This is a weird suggestion, but what about taking up crocheting or knitting?  It would keep your hands busy.  It would keep your mind busy and if you make them for an organization or for different people that you know, you can give good energy to the recipient as you make whatever it is.  

lastexitlondon

Thanks  i just feel so hopeless at the moment.  My older  kids live with my ex wife and she isnt taking this all serious enough and it upsets my daughter so much. So after an hour on the  phone to her. Then my son who keeps being inconsiderate  and now  is scared he is ill because  he went out to a field with friends and drank. Now i cant protect my kids  when its all i want  to do. 
Its all a fucking great mess. I dont even want to go to my garden. 
I feel low real low.i guess i have to wait it out . 

hedonist

Rob, I'm so sorry for this second loss.  Please hang in there...and please don't let what happened in that other thread get you down.  

what dreams

If it's any comfort, Rob, I've quit smoking about three times a year for the past 30 years. I've failed at least 90 times, but I still keep trying. You can too. It's not over yet. We're all a work in progress.

lastexitlondon

Thanks  everyone. 
My confusion is so bad. I must learn to live with it. 
I may also have to try drinking like i had to weed again.  These pills  are just a drug that fuck you up anyway  and im wanting to take valium more and more. I only take 2.5.  That's  half a pill once  or twice a week but i want to more . I cant work out whats worse.

deadendp

lastexitlondon said:

Thanks  everyone. 
My confusion is so bad. I must learn to live with it. 
I may also have to try drinking like i had to weed again.  These pills  are just a drug that fuck you up anyway  and im wanting to take valium more and more. I only take 2.5.  That's  half a pill once  or twice a week but i want to more . I cant work out whats worse.

This concerns me very much. @mickeyrat Any thoughts to share?

Matts3221

lastexitlondon said:

Thanks  everyone. 
My confusion is so bad. I must learn to live with it. 
I may also have to try drinking like i had to weed again.  These pills  are just a drug that fuck you up anyway  and im wanting to take valium more and more. I only take 2.5.  That's  half a pill once  or twice a week but i want to more . I cant work out whats worse.

Rob:

          I would kindly ask that you reach out to an AA meeting that can be held virtually if you don't want to leave the house or call a number to talk about your urges.

           Any night that you go to bed sober is a win when you have a substance issue  ( nothing to be ashamed of ) so remember all the nights you have gone to bed without a drink.

             @mickeyrat thoughts would be great , I could be wrong but I feel you are in recovery and I think someone else who has struggled or gone thru it will always hold more water than those of us who have not had an addiction.

Love

Fifthelement

lastexitlondon said:

Thanks  everyone. 
My confusion is so bad. I must learn to live with it. 
I may also have to try drinking like i had to weed again.  These pills  are just a drug that fuck you up anyway  and im wanting to take valium more and more. I only take 2.5.  That's  half a pill once  or twice a week but i want to more . I cant work out whats worse.

@l@lastexitlondon

Rob, I’m sorry you’re struggling. I hope you were able to make it through your day without any substances, but if you didn’t, that’s okay. Try again tomorrow

As Matt has suggested, perhaps a virtual AA meeting could help you through the next few days. I would also suggest contacting your doctor.  Are the meds you were prescribed making you want to drink/drug?  If so, perhaps they can prescribe something else. Sending you much love.  You are in my thoughts everyday.

lastexitlondon

I made  it through. Its not the meds make me want to. I cant take the meds and function.  And i cant cope im just lost and see no point in the pills.  Im so grateful  for all the  love  and care. I really am

Fifthelement

Glad you made it through the day Rob.  How long have you been on these meds?  As you know, Regular usage of meds takes time for your body to adjust to. If you don’t take them regularly they are ineffective and can make you feel worse rather than better. Not to mention undermine any confidence that medication could work for you.

 Of course, you know all of this, so please don’t feel like this is a critique of you, I’m just trying to give you a perspective that you might not be clear enough in your head to appreciate right now.  I, like many others, including your family, want the best for you.  Sending you much love💓

mickeyrat

deadendp said:

lastexitlondon said:

Thanks  everyone. 
My confusion is so bad. I must learn to live with it. 
I may also have to try drinking like i had to weed again.  These pills  are just a drug that fuck you up anyway  and im wanting to take valium more and more. I only take 2.5.  That's  half a pill once  or twice a week but i want to more . I cant work out whats worse.

This concerns me very much. @mickeyrat Any thoughts to share?

if its true , that either could be used medicinally (booze or weed) I would say the way you've partaken has been anything but....

I cant tell you what to do but do suggest riding it out, sober and taking the meds as prescribed. is the joy we see in that picture possible when drink or hungover? and take your meds prescribed. you say you want to take more of the valium, for what purpose? whats the motive behind it?

on the otherhand, the aa book suggests an experiment of controlled drinking to self-diagnose whether one is or isnt an alcoholic. having been alcohol free for this period of time may be a good time for a definitive answer to that  fundamental question. It suggests running this experiment several times.

screenshot of relevant page.

deadendp

Thanks, @mickeyrat

lastexitlondon

mickeyrat said:

deadendp said:

lastexitlondon said:

Thanks  everyone. 
My confusion is so bad. I must learn to live with it. 
I may also have to try drinking like i had to weed again.  These pills  are just a drug that fuck you up anyway  and im wanting to take valium more and more. I only take 2.5.  That's  half a pill once  or twice a week but i want to more . I cant work out whats worse.

This concerns me very much. @mickeyrat Any thoughts to share?

if its true , that either could be used medicinally (booze or weed) I would say the way you've partaken has been anything but....

I cant tell you what to do but do suggest riding it out, sober and taking the meds as prescribed. is the joy we see in that picture possible when drink or hungover? and take your meds prescribed. you say you want to take more of the valium, for what purpose? whats the motive behind it?

on the otherhand, the aa book suggests an experiment of controlled drinking to self-diagnose whether one is or isnt an alcoholic. having been alcohol free for this period of time may be a good time for a definitive answer to that  fundamental question. It suggests running this experiment several times.

screenshot of relevant page.

This  is what i have been weighing  heavy on.
I stopped  drinking  as an experiment 
I intended to stop for a short  while to prove to others that what i was experiencing  was nothing to do with drink. And 5 and a half months  on  i proved that. Im worse than i was before, as far as hopeless and wanting  to just slip away. Thats my sober mind. When i used drink i used it every evening . Some days 1 beer.  Most days 4. Some days 1 bottle  of wine. I got used to doing that. 
Then i tried weed again after 21 years of not touching the  stuff
 All out of desperation for peace. I did get a break but weed isnt for me. It alters my mind far too much and i can see how psychosis could happen.
So , i am healthier body wise now. Blood pressure. Weight. But thats dowm to losing weight from  fear and not eating. And taking vits and minerals.
Am i an alcoholic.  I would say i am an addict of any damn thing  in this world.
Love. Pain.worry. stress. I cannot moderate  any feeling or action. And i never have. If i played golf. I played 6 times a week some days twice a day. Same with football. Same with my garden. Same with pearl jam,i couldnt just go to my local show. I went to the whole tour.I am obsessive with anything  you can name. Thats what i am.
But my quality of life is very very diminished.
My confusion  has takem my life away. I live in fear big fear. I drove  down  the road near my house that my good friend died on. He drove into the middle part of the bridge . Died instantly. Nobody knows if it was an accident yet. And i saw the  damage and  the  stain on the road. And flowers on the bridge. My brain is numb and has been ages. All i can keep thinking is he is lucky. Its over. I actually feel jealous. Work that out!  I hope if he wanted  to go it was fast as it looked. 
You see i just cant keep this  cycle up anymore i have something  wrong  with my brain that nobody  wants to look at. But im left with a diminished  brain that just gets worse  so i must choose  my poison for whatever days i have left. But i wont . I live in turmoil. Miserable  and the  ones around me are suffering  not because  of drink. Not violence. Not drugs  or abuse. Non of those. They suffer because of me. Just sober me.

brianlux

3:15 AM.  Sleep is impossible.  The mind won't stop.  This is ridiculous.

Like Buddy Guy said, "Worry, worry, worry".

lastexitlondon

Is it the  virus brian thats getting  to you?

Matts3221

brianlux said:

3:15 AM.  Sleep is impossible.  The mind won't stop.  This is ridiculous.

Like Buddy Guy said, "Worry, worry, worry".

As rob said , Virus ? World Issues ? Just wondering what is keeping you up at night. Do you have regular sleep issues ? I want to offer some advice ( may not work at all but always worth a shot ) that said I don't want to offer advice without knowing the full issue , either way I hope today is a better day for you.

brianlux

lastexitlondon said:

Is it the  virus brian thats getting  to you?

Only as a factor in how my life changed now being mostly jobless.

Matts3221 said:

brianlux said:

3:15 AM.  Sleep is impossible.  The mind won't stop.  This is ridiculous.

Like Buddy Guy said, "Worry, worry, worry".

As rob said , Virus ? World Issues ? Just wondering what is keeping you up at night. Do you have regular sleep issues ? I want to offer some advice ( may not work at all but always worth a shot ) that said I don't want to offer advice without knowing the full issue , either way I hope today is a better day for you.

Thank you Matts.  I sometimes seem to fit the description of "King of Worry". 

Basically right now what it comes down to is:

-Moderately worried that no matter how careful I am, I could get the virus.  I'm not afraid of death, only of dying slowly of an illness.

-Frustrated with having to leave my job either 6 or 18 months early (wanted to "retire" on my day hired anniversary).

-Not able to scout for books to keep my little on-line business going.

-Next to heart disease, I think joblessness might be a major killer.

-Having more recent skin cancer issues.  Benign so far but it's cancer nevertheless. 

-Concerned that change has been slow and little in America all my life and that current BLM and environmental  issues may prove to be more of same.

-A stubborn lack of acceptance that at almost 69 years of age I cannot do things I did at 29 or 39 or 49 or 59.

-Not happy being at the leading edge of the hellish hot day of July through October in El Dorado County, CA

and...and... give me a few minutes, I'll find other things to worry about. It's one of those things a friend once referred to as one's "fatal character flaw" 

hedonist

Worry does no good, though I catch myself doing it as well. Then I STOP. It’s fruitless. It’s a mindfuck.  

Can’t work, liver is fucked, my body is fucked. The world is fucked. 

But really, it isn’t.

Gotta kick your own ass for perspective sometimes. Fuck knows I have, do, and will. 

I believe we have more mettle than we realize. 

brianlux

hedonist said:

Worry does no good, though I catch myself doing it as well. Then I STOP. It’s fruitless. It’s a mindfuck.  

Can’t work, liver is fucked, my body is fucked. The world is fucked. 

But really, it isn’t.

Gotta kick your own ass for perspective sometimes. Fuck knows I have, do, and will. 

I believe we have more mettle than we realize. 

  Very sorry to hear about your health issues, Hedo.  Hang in there!

"worry does no good"  SO TRUE!

"gotta kick your own ass for perspective sometime"  WILL DO!

what dreams

lastexitlondon said:

I made  it through. Its not the meds make me want to. I cant take the meds and function.  And i cant cope im just lost and see no point in the pills.  Im so grateful  for all the  love  and care. I really am

Talk to your doctor. Valium is classified as a sedative/tranquilizer, in the same class as a xanax. Of course it will make you sleep. That is what it's designed to do. If you're taking it at night and still incapacitated the entire next day after a full night's sleep, maybe the doctor can try to adjust the dose or try Xanax instead. 2.5 of valium sounds like a typical starting dose, but maybe he can cut that in half because everyone is different in their response to meds. I've never tried Valium, as my doctor is not a fan of it, but I do tolerate xanax really well. I am a bit groggy when I when I wake up, but the fog lifts usually after I get moving. But my day is met with calm and, well, tranquility.  If you're not experiencing this, then you definitely need to talk to your doctor about it.

I think I remember you saying your doctor just wants to get you to a place where you can sleep and calm down quickly and temporarily.  Maybe you're just so used to being in turmoil all the time that you're confusing the numbness for something else wrong.  Try embracing the fog, my friend -- sometimes it's good to just let the world spin by while we're in our cocoon.    Give yourself a break. Just a theory, see if that makes sense to you. I'm just throwing ideas out here but if none of them resonate with you, move on to something that does.

I understand the suspicion of prescribed pharmeceuticals and the drug mill, but be careful with that thinking because medications can save people's lives. Keep working at it.  We care for you and hope you find what works for you.

what dreams

brianlux said:

3:15 AM.  Sleep is impossible.  The mind won't stop.  This is ridiculous.

Like Buddy Guy said, "Worry, worry, worry".

Oh my gosh, sounds like last night was a bad one for all of us. I was wide awake right up there with you, and have been struggling with most of the same issues as the cause. I feel asleep around 6 AM, but then had to be up at 8:30 for a morning training online, and then I had a job interview at 12:30 for a lateral move in my school district. I did not take a xanax last night because by the time I went to it for my option, I knew my half-life window was over for getting up on time. . . . So -- up all night thinking through the job interview, diverging into the world falling apart and not being able to save it, then curving into memories of all the things I should never have done in my life, then my mom coughs around 4:00 AM and I start going down the "shes going to die soon." Needless to say, I did not have my best interview this afternoon given the state of my brain. 
I'm sorry, Brian. I really hope you find a place and path to live out your life the way you want. Here's hoping for fewer sleepless nights

what dreams

hedonist said:

Worry does no good, though I catch myself doing it as well. Then I STOP. It’s fruitless. It’s a mindfuck.  

Can’t work, liver is fucked, my body is fucked. The world is fucked. 

But really, it isn’t.

Gotta kick your own ass for perspective sometimes. Fuck knows I have, do, and will. 

I believe we have more mettle than we realize. 

My friend, be well. You are such a blessing and inspiration to all of us. The next time I kick my own ass, I will do it in your honor! 

what dreams

Can I just add, Rob, if I could stretch my arms across the Atlantic Ocean, I would give you the biggest hug right now. Your family loves you. They are there for you. But if your partner or your adult children decide at some time that they can't handle whatever they can't handle, that's up to them to decide, not you. Don't push them away. Let them love you.

hedonist

what dreams said:

lastexitlondon said:

I made  it through. Its not the meds make me want to. I cant take the meds and function.  And i cant cope im just lost and see no point in the pills.  Im so grateful  for all the  love  and care. I really am

Talk to your doctor. Valium is classified as a sedative/tranquilizer, in the same class as a xanax. Of course it will make you sleep. That is what it's designed to do. If you're taking it at night and still incapacitated the entire next day after a full night's sleep, maybe the doctor can try to adjust the dose or try Xanax instead. 2.5 of valium sounds like a typical starting dose, but maybe he can cut that in half because everyone is different in their response to meds. I've never tried Valium, as my doctor is not a fan of it, but I do tolerate xanax really well. I am a bit groggy when I when I wake up, but the fog lifts usually after I get moving. But my day is met with calm and, well, tranquility.  If you're not experiencing this, then you definitely need to talk to your doctor about it.

I think I remember you saying your doctor just wants to get you to a place where you can sleep and calm down quickly and temporarily.  Maybe you're just so used to being in turmoil all the time that you're confusing the numbness for something else wrong.  Try embracing the fog, my friend -- sometimes it's good to just let the world spin by while we're in our cocoon.    Give yourself a break. Just a theory, see if that makes sense to you. I'm just throwing ideas out here but if none of them resonate with you, move on to something that does.

I understand the suspicion of prescribed pharmeceuticals and the drug mill, but be careful with that thinking because medications can save people's lives. Keep working at it.  We care for you and hope you find what works for you.


***Damn you, quote function!  Just wanted to say the bolded/italicized part resonates.

And thank you for your words below.  Above? 

Fifthelement

So much love and thoughtful caring in this thread.  It’s a balm in times of worry. Sending love, light and healing to all who are in need.  (((Hugs)))