3:15 AM. Sleep is impossible. The mind won't stop. This is ridiculous.
Like Buddy Guy said, "Worry, worry, worry".
Oh my gosh, sounds like last night was a bad one for all of us. I was wide awake right up there with you, and have been struggling with most of the same issues as the cause. I feel asleep around 6 AM, but then had to be up at 8:30 for a morning training online, and then I had a job interview at 12:30 for a lateral move in my school district. I did not take a xanax last night because by the time I went to it for my option, I knew my half-life window was over for getting up on time. . . . So -- up all night thinking through the job interview, diverging into the world falling apart and not being able to save it, then curving into memories of all the things I should never have done in my life, then my mom coughs around 4:00 AM and I start going down the "shes going to die soon." Needless to say, I did not have my best interview this afternoon given the state of my brain. I'm sorry, Brian. I really hope you find a place and path to live out your life the way you want. Here's hoping for fewer sleepless nights
Oh no! I can't imagine doing a job interview on 2 1/2 hours sleep! I hope it went OK despite your being tired. Best wishes for your mom as well.
And thanks for kind words.
“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man [or woman] who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”
3:15 AM. Sleep is impossible. The mind won't stop. This is ridiculous.
Like Buddy Guy said, "Worry, worry, worry".
As rob said , Virus ? World Issues ? Just wondering what is keeping you up at night. Do you have regular sleep issues ? I want to offer some advice ( may not work at all but always worth a shot ) that said I don't want to offer advice without knowing the full issue , either way I hope today is a better day for you.
Thank you Matts. I sometimes seem to fit the description of "King of Worry".
Basically right now what it comes down to is:
-Moderately worried that no matter how careful I am, I could get the virus. I'm not afraid of death, only of dying slowly of an illness.
-Frustrated with having to leave my job either 6 or 18 months early (wanted to "retire" on my day hired anniversary).
-Not able to scout for books to keep my little on-line business going.
-Next to heart disease, I think joblessness might be a major killer.
-Having more recent skin cancer issues. Benign so far but it's cancer nevertheless.
-Concerned that change has been slow and little in America all my life and that current BLM and environmental issues may prove to be more of same.
-A stubborn lack of acceptance that at almost 69 years of age I cannot do things I did at 29 or 39 or 49 or 59.
-Not happy being at the leading edge of the hellish hot day of July through October in El Dorado County, CA
and...and... give me a few minutes, I'll find other things to worry about. It's one of those things a friend once referred to as one's "fatal character flaw"
Lol I feel a little silly like there is going to be just one general thing.
I am sure if you have read my post on here you see that I am also the King Of Worry or jumping 50 step ahead. IE: Running late for work by 5 mins for the first time ever , goes into a spiral though of losing my job , losing my wife , becoming homeless , dying on the street. I pretty much do that with all aspects of my life. On that end I really feel for you and empathize with that feeling of dying of a slow illness.
I am also sorry that you may have to retired earlier than you wanted from what sounds like a job you have been with a while. Is this due to Coivid or other issues?
Heart Disease and even benign skin cancer is something I have never had to deal with so again I am sorry that keeps you up.
Change has been slow , I think most of us are feeling that right now and just discussing it and our feelings and thoughts around a discussion is the most positive thing I can do ( I need to work on this myself as I can come across as more of a hardliner sometimes , in person I truly just want to have an open dialog but some people are just not up for that in person and again I can come off online as a hardliner )
Glad to know that at 69 I will feel the same way I do at 41 ( still skateboarding even though a fall takes me out a lot longer then it did when I was 31 , 21 a teenager )
Most of all just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you this morning , hope you got some better sleep. You seem like a good dude just trying to get through and suffering from mental illness ( not a bad word just part of anxiety ) like the rest of us.
If you ever want to DM feel free , again thinking of you
3:15 AM. Sleep is impossible. The mind won't stop. This is ridiculous.
Like Buddy Guy said, "Worry, worry, worry".
Oh my gosh, sounds like last night was a bad one for all of us. I was wide awake right up there with you, and have been struggling with most of the same issues as the cause. I feel asleep around 6 AM, but then had to be up at 8:30 for a morning training online, and then I had a job interview at 12:30 for a lateral move in my school district. I did not take a xanax last night because by the time I went to it for my option, I knew my half-life window was over for getting up on time. . . . So -- up all night thinking through the job interview, diverging into the world falling apart and not being able to save it, then curving into memories of all the things I should never have done in my life, then my mom coughs around 4:00 AM and I start going down the "shes going to die soon." Needless to say, I did not have my best interview this afternoon given the state of my brain. I'm sorry, Brian. I really hope you find a place and path to live out your life the way you want. Here's hoping for fewer sleepless nights
Oh no! I can't imagine doing a job interview on 2 1/2 hours sleep! I hope it went OK despite your being tired. Best wishes for your mom as well.
And thanks for kind words.
No, the interview was a disaster. I could hear the mania in my rapid speech. I knew I was blowing it while I blew it, speaking rather incoherently while answering basic interview questions that under a normal mood I could master. At the end of the interview, I was told I would be called by the end of the day if I were to move on to the next round, which was this morning. No call, no next round. I'm okay with it. One of my late night thoughts had been -- Do I really want to be in this position of increased responsibility during a crazy time of education next fall? It's probably for the better.
The good part that came out of it, health wise for me, is that I recognized I was in the beginning stages of a manic episode (sleep cycle broken, racing thoughts, rapid speech, excitability and irritability, excessive pacing) -- so last night I began doubling my mood stabilizer which is what we do when I start to cycle up again. It will take a week or so to get back to stable, but again, when I heard the rapid speech (which took the freaking interview for me to notice) -- I was like, OMG. I am not well right now.
So important for all of us to recongize our symptoms and how our particular form of mental illness manifests so we can correct as we go. In the beginning days of my diagnosis, I had to keep a very detailed mood journal tracking all my daily activity and evaluating my mood many times throughout the day for 30 days. If I had not done that and seen what my triggers are and how I respond, no amount of medication would have helped me. We are the ones primarily reponsible for managing our disease, not our doctors. I just happen to be lucky that I have a doctor who is very good at pharmacology, and she helps me that way. But I have to do the rest of the really hard work myself. There is help out there for anyone who wants to learn how to manage their disease.
Its been a while. Im here again because i can't keep on like this and i find my brain wont work I hate myself and my life . Fuck i cant get out of my own way.
brixton 93
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
Its been a while. Im here again because i can't keep on like this and i find my brain wont work I hate myself and my life . Fuck i cant get out of my own way.
Doesn’t it give you any hope at all that your family has gotten through this mess pretty well so far?
Its really worse as this all opens up here i cant handle it better in lockdown i preferred that i had control. Ive become a mess and an expert at getting out of my head on weed thats fucking me up even more. I cant face a day. From 5 am until midday is the worst i cant explain. My confusion (granted weed wont help that) is absolutely off the chart. I have had some blood work done and it looks like rheumatoid arthritis. My rheumatoid factor was 45. Which is autoimmune.all other blood was good and vit d was up a lot which is good. Im petrified. Add that to my confusion and this pandemic. In 3 weeks schools go back which means my partners 13year old slightly autistic sob who hasnt left the house for months is going back. And lives in my flat. I cant be here if thats happening. So what do i do. I just want it all to over and shut my eyes forever
Post edited by lastexitlondon on
brixton 93
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
Its really worse as this all opens up here i cant handle it better in lockdown i preferred that i had control. Ive become a mess and an expert at getting out of my head on weed thats fucking me up even more. I cant face a day. From 5 am until midday is the worst i cant explain. My confusion (granted weed wont help that) is absolutely off the chart. I have had some blood work done and it looks like rheumatoid arthritis. My rheumatoid factor was 45. Which is autoimmune.all other blood was good and vit d was up a lot which is good. Im petrified. Add that to my confusion and this pandemic. In 3 weeks schools go back which means my partners 13year old slightly autistic sob who hasnt left the house for months is going back. And lives in my flat. I cant be here if thats happening. So what do i do. I just want it all to over and shut my eyes forever
You are so good at getting all of your feelings out! You already know that the biggest struggle for you is giving up control. You have even pinpointed the roughest time of day. You have all this valuable information just waiting for the right person.Keep looking for that person.
Thank you all its my mums birthday so we went to her garden but i fuck things up. My older 3 kids went and i feel like everyone is contaminated and their breath is green smoke. These are my family yet i want to run away My baby cant not go up to them amd be so close all i do is say come back rosie. Dont do that rosie. Its gonna fuck another kid up. I kept busy but i just wanted to run home. Im home now i feel sick. I think im addicted to the weed now. I dont want to do any smoke . Drink. Pills . But i actually cannot. Im ashamed. Its 6.44pm and im trying to not smoke. Im laying down now. Im sorry to blabber on. Its very kind of you all.
brixton 93
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
Thank you all its my mums birthday so we went to her garden but i fuck things up. My older 3 kids went and i feel like everyone is contaminated and their breath is green smoke. These are my family yet i want to run away My baby cant not go up to them amd be so close all i do is say come back rosie. Dont do that rosie. Its gonna fuck another kid up. I kept busy but i just wanted to run home. Im home now i feel sick. I think im addicted to the weed now. I dont want to do any smoke . Drink. Pills . But i actually cannot. Im ashamed. Its 6.44pm and im trying to not smoke. Im laying down now. Im sorry to blabber on. Its very kind of you all.
Don’t be sorry. We’re all here for you. That much anxiety is exhausting. I hope you can find some peace of mind. I agree with 23scidoo...keep your mind (or your body) busy as much as you can. And don’t be too hard on yourself if you can’t. These are exceptionally challenging times.
Holding you in my heart Rob. I understand the anxiety that comes with easing the lockdown. Keep communicating the best that you can. We’re here for you (((hugs))).
"What the CANUCK happened?!? - Esquimalt Barber Shop
lack of sleep is a mood killer. happens to me like clockwork every sunday night. even when monday is a holiday. i've gone so far as to get up at 2am, smoke weed, and try to get to sleep that way. it sort of worked, but don't really feel good about doing that. i guess it's better than taking a pharmaceutical.
Is anyone anxious about what life will be like when things do reopen? I was already in a depression and isolating before any of this began and now I feel so lost and alone that I don’t know if I’ll ever bounce back. I feel so awkward around other people now, like I’ve forgotten how to even hold a conversation anymore. I wonder if that will get better or worse. I absolutely hate going anywhere, always unsure if I’m following all the rules and being considerate enough. At home I feel so out of touch with everyone and everything in the outside world. I want to reconnect with all that made me happy. I guess I just gotta keep hanging on and being grateful for all the little things.
Is anyone anxious about what life will be like when things do reopen? I was already in a depression and isolating before any of this began and now I feel so lost and alone that I don’t know if I’ll ever bounce back. I feel so awkward around other people now, like I’ve forgotten how to even hold a conversation anymore. I wonder if that will get better or worse. I absolutely hate going anywhere, always unsure if I’m following all the rules and being considerate enough. At home I feel so out of touch with everyone and everything in the outside world. I want to reconnect with all that made me happy. I guess I just gotta keep hanging on and being grateful for all the little things.
Not gonna lie, it’s been a challenge. I’ve been likening it to when a loved one dies. You’re whole world comes crashing down and closing in, but everywhere you look life is moving on. I imagine that a great majority of people are feeling the exact same way right there beside you. Each in our own little bubble. It’s like a facade with cracks in it.
Those who are desperately trying to hold on to “normal” by refusing to acknowledge what’s happening or insisting that “they” are right and everyone else is wrong, denying the science, denying reality and denying their own damned eyes, challenge me and my desire not to invoke bad karma against myself. It’s easier to stay in my own bubble than to deal with fools and naysayers.
anyway, that’s me venting. I just want you to know that I hear what you’re saying. Keep doing what you can to prevent yourself from falling deeper into the abyss. There is light and hope in the future. Sending you much love and light.
"What the CANUCK happened?!? - Esquimalt Barber Shop
Thank you all its my mums birthday so we went to her garden but i fuck things up. My older 3 kids went and i feel like everyone is contaminated and their breath is green smoke. These are my family yet i want to run away My baby cant not go up to them amd be so close all i do is say come back rosie. Dont do that rosie. Its gonna fuck another kid up. I kept busy but i just wanted to run home. Im home now i feel sick. I think im addicted to the weed now. I dont want to do any smoke . Drink. Pills . But i actually cannot. Im ashamed. Its 6.44pm and im trying to not smoke. Im laying down now. Im sorry to blabber on. Its very kind of you all.
First, Rob-- we love you. I hope that you know that.
I get the feeling of wanting to run away from family. We had family in, fresh from Florida (hotspot, in case you don't know) and off multiple planes and out of multiple airports wanting to hug me. Oh, there will be none of that. AIR HUG! But, we were exiled to the front porch during the family dinner because we-- gasp-- wear masks. If they won't respect my mother-in-law and her health issues, we will. She's got enough going on in life without being exposed to a pandemic disease.
I think I recall Mickey talking to you about alcohol and people who don't drink going back to it temporarily . . . and @mickeyrat , if you could take this part over. I'm screwing it up. But something about possibly determining whether true addiction or not? Would it apply to marijuana use? My point is that you didn't smoke it for so long and now you feel that you are potentially addicted. Would Mickey's test (or AA if I do recall) tell you that perhaps that is something to steer clear of? No judgement here. I'm all for legalization, but I did see what happened with my sister and her POS husband with excessive pot use. It's a real thing, y'all. I'm hoping that Mickey can figure out what I was talking about and reinterpret it the way he meant.
I work out in the public, but an art gallery so it isn't like a big box store. People seem to cross their eyes when you respect the 6' rule. "Oh, don't worry about me," is what I hear. "Oh, I'm a 6 feet girl. Thanks for understanding my weirdness!" People just don't care and it stresses us out. Please don't move the things on the counter and hang around the plexiglass to my side.
Rosie is being raised in the middle of a global pandemic. I assure you that you aren't what will fuck up this child. There are bigger, scarier things in life than your dad wanting to keep you safe. You are doing a good job!
And anxiety about reopening, vaccinations and :gulp: the kiddos going back to school? Oh, hell yes. My daughter wants to go and her anxiety took her back to therapy during the lockdown. (It's been a very good thing for her to return.) Still, doing a career program requires attendance. Thankful that the governor mandated K-12 wear masks. He has been known to backpedal so there is always a possibility that it will be different tomorrow, but let's hope this sticks. It was our biggest concern.
If we could all just be on the same page and work together for the common good . . . the fact that we are being lead by a "president" I have zero faith in worries me to the core of my soul. It's a hot mess out there and it's not going to be better any time soon.
Is anyone anxious about what life will be like when things do reopen? I was already in a depression and isolating before any of this began and now I feel so lost and alone that I don’t know if I’ll ever bounce back. I feel so awkward around other people now, like I’ve forgotten how to even hold a conversation anymore. I wonder if that will get better or worse. I absolutely hate going anywhere, always unsure if I’m following all the rules and being considerate enough. At home I feel so out of touch with everyone and everything in the outside world. I want to reconnect with all that made me happy. I guess I just gotta keep hanging on and being grateful for all the little things.
100%
brixton 93
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
Thank you all its my mums birthday so we went to her garden but i fuck things up. My older 3 kids went and i feel like everyone is contaminated and their breath is green smoke. These are my family yet i want to run away My baby cant not go up to them amd be so close all i do is say come back rosie. Dont do that rosie. Its gonna fuck another kid up. I kept busy but i just wanted to run home. Im home now i feel sick. I think im addicted to the weed now. I dont want to do any smoke . Drink. Pills . But i actually cannot. Im ashamed. Its 6.44pm and im trying to not smoke. Im laying down now. Im sorry to blabber on. Its very kind of you all.
Rob you know we all love you greatly and care about you. You did not fuck up at least in my opinion.
There is for lack of a better words “less educated “ people whom either thru ignorance of science or just feeling over this are starting to carry on as if nothing is wrong. I drive home from work ever night just exhausted from the day and see people without masks going into restaurants , shopping malls or hanging out. In this world right now I can’t help but get upset.
My family does not get together , the last time I went to my sisters it was outside for 30 mins and we kept at least 6 feet apart. You are doing the right thing and kids are more resilient than we give them credit for , more than even adults.
i get the weed part , there was a month I just had to stop because it just made things worse and I kept doing it for some reason. I think laying off of it is a good thing. I still use it but at night to get me to relax and fall asleep ( also someone else posted but I have been there with waking up at 2am just to smoke so I can fall back asleep ) and you are run down you are so stressed and tired , your brain is going to be misfiring or feeling hyper sensitive ( please know I’m dealing with this as well so I’m not preaching and I wish I could take my own advice )
try to remember how worried you were in March and we are now in Aug , you are here your loved ones are here. Try to take it one day at a time.
Don’t know if it will help , I stared doing yoga and I do find a lot of benefits from it and find it relaxing.
I wish nothing but the best to you your family and friends and everyone else here on the board , we will make it thru this.
Im on a slippery slope and heading for disaster. I lost my allotment (garden plot) due to flood and now standing water 3 feet deep. I had some bloods. I have a positive rheumatoid factor. But no other markers. And some negative antibody tests. I dont understand and best i dont i guess. School creeps nearer. My daughter got screwed over with her exams now that might be fixed by the wank government. My beautiful 16 year old has come out as gay which im very proud of but she is so unwell now self harming. My only son started a job and first day a kid stopped breathing and his co worker went home with fever and cough. Son then isolated left the job and has since had 2 neg corona tests. Now in my twisted head i was going to run away and hide in my shed that is now 3 feet deep in shitty water. The walls are closed in and im losing sanity. The metallica song frayed ends of sanity keeps playing in my head. Hear them calling me hahahah. You all are so kind to me and i always feel like a family here. I cant face a day anymore . The edges are blurred and i cant make out reality so much. Im in trouble and it only gets worse. I dont believe there is a way to stop this confusion thats taken my sanity
brixton 93
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
Sounds like you're really getting it from every angle at the moment man. Try to focus on improving just one aspect of what you listed. Can you control any of it?
Dublin 2006 Dublin 2010 Madrid 2018 Werchter 2022 London 1 2022 London 2 2022 Krakow 2022
That’s a lot going on Rob. It must feel quite overwhelming. I’m sorry that your feeling unmoored right now. I’m glad you’re reaching out though. That’s a positive. Can you think of a good thing that happened to you today? As always my friend, sending you love, light, and strength. You are loved!
"What the CANUCK happened?!? - Esquimalt Barber Shop
A good thing for you today Rob, and I know it might not seem like it right now......you're here, and you're alive. The serenity prayer was invaluable to me in the early days of my recovery. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Dublin 2006 Dublin 2010 Madrid 2018 Werchter 2022 London 1 2022 London 2 2022 Krakow 2022
My son came by in his car with a mask on and brokedown. The hardest thing in the world is to see your son crying and cant go near him. I cant take anymore. Its ruining everyones life bit by bit. . The poor lad has done everything right and is broken to pieces. Thanks for your kindness . Im so sorry i cant cope at all. My son has phoned 4 times and online to the mental health services. They dont reply this country os fucked up bad from the core. Lost totally lost all my kids are suffering so much.
brixton 93
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
I haven't really ventured into this thread much before, but I feel I need to say something. To someone.. I'm feeling like shit. Has so done since the end of last week.
I have promised the person this is involving to not talk about it, so I am sorry for being vague. A promise is a promise. Even when feeling like I've been worth nothing.
I found out late last week that I have this whole summer been betrayed by this person in a very serious way. I have never in my 36 year old life felt this degraded. This being caused by this person treating themselves like shit, and not caring one bit about treating me like in the process.
To make it worse, last week when I was finally told about what has transpired it was not to ask forgiveness, or being sad for what they had done (to me, our relationship or themselves). Rather -- They have had every right to act like they had. I vaguely remember something being said about "I thought you would be okey with it, don't see why not" and "I was first not going to tell you at all".
What the person has done to themselves is giving me such anxiety, that I can't even focus on me -- and all the steps and choices this person actively took to betray and hurt me. From knowing myself, every instinct in my body would normally tell one to fuck off. But maybe it is the surreal nature of it all, or how I happen to feel about this person and/or the serious situation they have put themselves in that I can't find the anger. I'm just exhausted and sad. Sad for how they chose to treat me, and the ignorance shown when telling me- regarding both me and our relationship. But mostly sad for what they have done to themselves. It breaks my heart.
I haven't been able to sleep. At all. I feel nauseous. I cannot eat. I have thrown up. I can't get rid of the tears in my eyes so I'm working from home instead of the office. A friend said I should get some pills to get help sleeping. But I don't know. I feel like I have to help this person get out if this mess. I feel panic for their well-being. But with there being not much feelings of regret about what has taken/is taking place, and with my pleads to please reconsider this taken path seemingly falling on deaf ears - I feel helpless.
I don't know what to do. If I could be more specific everyone in here would have all agreed that I should just tell the person to fuck off for what they did. But yeah, I am not everyone looking at it from the outside. I just don't know what to do.
Post edited by Spiritual_Chaos on
"Mostly I think that people react sensitively because they know you’ve got a point"
Hey man. You know i think confronting this is so important. And go with your gut instinct. If its making you ill best to act sooner rather than later as relief of resolving it may make you feel so much better quickly
brixton 93
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
Also im trying to get the idea of what happened. I can guess but inside you may have an idea of the best thing to do but i guess thats fuzzy because of anxious feelings
brixton 93
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
Plus, S_C, you don’t have the responsibility to act as someone‘s psychologist or solve their problems for them. That’s not a mean sentiment, it’s just impossible. You can only be there for someone, listen and try to help them help themselves.
I‘m sorry both of you are feeling so bad, I hope you can work through it, one step at a time.
Comments
Lol I feel a little silly like there is going to be just one general thing.
I am sure if you have read my post on here you see that I am also the King Of Worry or jumping 50 step ahead. IE: Running late for work by 5 mins for the first time ever , goes into a spiral though of losing my job , losing my wife , becoming homeless , dying on the street. I pretty much do that with all aspects of my life. On that end I really feel for you and empathize with that feeling of dying of a slow illness.
I am also sorry that you may have to retired earlier than you wanted from what sounds like a job you have been with a while. Is this due to Coivid or other issues?
Heart Disease and even benign skin cancer is something I have never had to deal with so again I am sorry that keeps you up.
Change has been slow , I think most of us are feeling that right now and just discussing it and our feelings and thoughts around a discussion is the most positive thing I can do ( I need to work on this myself as I can come across as more of a hardliner sometimes , in person I truly just want to have an open dialog but some people are just not up for that in person and again I can come off online as a hardliner )
Glad to know that at 69 I will feel the same way I do at 41 ( still skateboarding even though a fall takes me out a lot longer then it did when I was 31 , 21 a teenager )
Most of all just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you this morning , hope you got some better sleep. You seem like a good dude just trying to get through and suffering from mental illness ( not a bad word just part of anxiety ) like the rest of us.
If you ever want to DM feel free , again thinking of you
Love
Matt
The good part that came out of it, health wise for me, is that I recognized I was in the beginning stages of a manic episode (sleep cycle broken, racing thoughts, rapid speech, excitability and irritability, excessive pacing) -- so last night I began doubling my mood stabilizer which is what we do when I start to cycle up again. It will take a week or so to get back to stable, but again, when I heard the rapid speech (which took the freaking interview for me to notice) -- I was like, OMG. I am not well right now.
So important for all of us to recongize our symptoms and how our particular form of mental illness manifests so we can correct as we go. In the beginning days of my diagnosis, I had to keep a very detailed mood journal tracking all my daily activity and evaluating my mood many times throughout the day for 30 days. If I had not done that and seen what my triggers are and how I respond, no amount of medication would have helped me. We are the ones primarily reponsible for managing our disease, not our doctors. I just happen to be lucky that I have a doctor who is very good at pharmacology, and she helps me that way. But I have to do the rest of the really hard work myself. There is help out there for anyone who wants to learn how to manage their disease.
Im here again because i can't keep on like this and i find my brain wont work
I hate myself and my life .
Fuck i cant get out of my own way.
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
Ive become a mess and an expert at getting out of my head on weed thats fucking me up even more. I cant face a day. From 5 am until midday is the worst i cant explain.
My confusion (granted weed wont help that) is absolutely off the chart. I have had some blood work done and it looks like rheumatoid arthritis. My rheumatoid factor was 45. Which is autoimmune.all other blood was good and vit d was up a lot which is good. Im petrified. Add that to my confusion and this pandemic. In 3 weeks schools go back which means my partners 13year old slightly autistic sob who hasnt left the house for months is going back. And lives in my flat. I cant be here if thats happening. So what do i do. I just want it all to over and shut my eyes forever
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
Is there a doctor you can speak with or see, either in person or virtually?
Prague Krakow Berlin 2018. Berlin 2022
EV, Taormina 1+2 2017.
I wish i was the souvenir you kept your house key on..
My baby cant not go up to them amd be so close all i do is say come back rosie. Dont do that rosie. Its gonna fuck another kid up.
I kept busy but i just wanted to run home. Im home now i feel sick. I think im addicted to the weed now. I dont want to do any smoke . Drink. Pills . But i actually cannot. Im ashamed. Its 6.44pm and im trying to not smoke. Im laying down now. Im sorry to blabber on.
Its very kind of you all.
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
www.headstonesband.com
Those who are desperately trying to hold on to “normal” by refusing to acknowledge what’s happening or insisting that “they” are right and everyone else is wrong, denying the science, denying reality and denying their own damned eyes, challenge me and my desire not to invoke bad karma against myself. It’s easier to stay in my own bubble than to deal with fools and naysayers.
anyway, that’s me venting. I just want you to know that I hear what you’re saying. Keep doing what you can to prevent yourself from falling deeper into the abyss. There is light and hope in the future. Sending you much love and light.
I get the feeling of wanting to run away from family. We had family in, fresh from Florida (hotspot, in case you don't know) and off multiple planes and out of multiple airports wanting to hug me. Oh, there will be none of that. AIR HUG!
I think I recall Mickey talking to you about alcohol and people who don't drink going back to it temporarily . . . and @mickeyrat , if you could take this part over. I'm screwing it up. But something about possibly determining whether true addiction or not? Would it apply to marijuana use? My point is that you didn't smoke it for so long and now you feel that you are potentially addicted. Would Mickey's test (or AA if I do recall) tell you that perhaps that is something to steer clear of? No judgement here. I'm all for legalization, but I did see what happened with my sister and her POS husband with excessive pot use. It's a real thing, y'all. I'm hoping that Mickey can figure out what I was talking about and reinterpret it the way he meant.
I work out in the public, but an art gallery so it isn't like a big box store. People seem to cross their eyes when you respect the 6' rule. "Oh, don't worry about me," is what I hear. "Oh, I'm a 6 feet girl. Thanks for understanding my weirdness!" People just don't care and it stresses us out. Please don't move the things on the counter and hang around the plexiglass to my side.
Rosie is being raised in the middle of a global pandemic. I assure you that you aren't what will fuck up this child. There are bigger, scarier things in life than your dad wanting to keep you safe. You are doing a good job!
And anxiety about reopening, vaccinations and :gulp: the kiddos going back to school? Oh, hell yes. My daughter wants to go and her anxiety took her back to therapy during the lockdown. (It's been a very good thing for her to return.) Still, doing a career program requires attendance. Thankful that the governor mandated K-12 wear masks. He has been known to backpedal so there is always a possibility that it will be different tomorrow, but let's hope this sticks. It was our biggest concern.
If we could all just be on the same page and work together for the common good . . . the fact that we are being lead by a "president" I have zero faith in worries me to the core of my soul. It's a hot mess out there and it's not going to be better any time soon.
2016: Lexington and Wrigley 1
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
Of anything.
Love
Fear
Anything. I reckon i cant cope with this confusion and search for peace.
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
There is for lack of a better words “less educated “ people whom either thru ignorance of science or just feeling over this are starting to carry on as if nothing is wrong. I drive home from work ever night just exhausted from the day and see people without masks going into restaurants , shopping malls or hanging out. In this world right now I can’t help but get upset.
i get the weed part , there was a month I just had to stop because it just made things worse and I kept doing it for some reason. I think laying off of it is a good thing. I still use it but at night to get me to relax and fall asleep ( also someone else posted but I have been there with waking up at 2am just to smoke so I can fall back asleep ) and you are run down you are so stressed and tired , your brain is going to be misfiring or feeling hyper sensitive ( please know I’m dealing with this as well so I’m not preaching and I wish I could take my own advice )
try to remember how worried you were in March and we are now in Aug , you are here your loved ones are here. Try to take it one day at a time.
I wish nothing but the best to you your family and friends and everyone else here on the board , we will make it thru this.
love Matt
I lost my allotment (garden plot) due to flood and now standing water 3 feet deep.
I had some bloods. I have a positive rheumatoid factor. But no other markers. And some negative antibody tests. I dont understand and best i dont i guess.
School creeps nearer. My daughter got screwed over with her exams now that might be fixed by the wank government. My beautiful 16 year old has come out as gay which im very proud of but she is so unwell now self harming.
My only son started a job and first day a kid stopped breathing and his co worker went home with fever and cough. Son then isolated left the job and has since had 2 neg corona tests.
Now in my twisted head i was going to run away and hide in my shed that is now 3 feet deep in shitty water.
The walls are closed in and im losing sanity.
The metallica song frayed ends of sanity keeps playing in my head.
Hear them calling me hahahah.
You all are so kind to me and i always feel like a family here.
I cant face a day anymore . The edges are blurred and i cant make out reality so much. Im in trouble and it only gets worse. I dont believe there is a way to stop this confusion thats taken my sanity
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
Dublin 2010
Madrid 2018
Werchter 2022
London 1 2022
London 2 2022
Krakow 2022
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Dublin 2010
Madrid 2018
Werchter 2022
London 1 2022
London 2 2022
Krakow 2022
Lost totally lost all my kids are suffering so much.
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
I have promised the person this is involving to not talk about it, so I am sorry for being vague. A promise is a promise. Even when feeling like I've been worth nothing.
I found out late last week that I have this whole summer been betrayed by this person in a very serious way. I have never in my 36 year old life felt this degraded. This being caused by this person treating themselves like shit, and not caring one bit about treating me like in the process.
To make it worse, last week when I was finally told about what has transpired it was not to ask forgiveness, or being sad for what they had done (to me, our relationship or themselves). Rather -- They have had every right to act like they had. I vaguely remember something being said about "I thought you would be okey with it, don't see why not" and "I was first not going to tell you at all".
What the person has done to themselves is giving me such anxiety, that I can't even focus on me -- and all the steps and choices this person actively took to betray and hurt me. From knowing myself, every instinct in my body would normally tell one to fuck off. But maybe it is the surreal nature of it all, or how I happen to feel about this person and/or the serious situation they have put themselves in that I can't find the anger. I'm just exhausted and sad. Sad for how they chose to treat me, and the ignorance shown when telling me- regarding both me and our relationship. But mostly sad for what they have done to themselves. It breaks my heart.
I haven't been able to sleep. At all. I feel nauseous. I cannot eat. I have thrown up. I can't get rid of the tears in my eyes so I'm working from home instead of the office. A friend said I should get some pills to get help sleeping. But I don't know. I feel like I have to help this person get out if this mess. I feel panic for their well-being. But with there being not much feelings of regret about what has taken/is taking place, and with my pleads to please reconsider this taken path seemingly falling on deaf ears - I feel helpless.
I don't know what to do. If I could be more specific everyone in here would have all agreed that I should just tell the person to fuck off for what they did. But yeah, I am not everyone looking at it from the outside. I just don't know what to do.
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -