A safe place for anxiety sufferers to share.

deadendp

hedonist said:

Good going, Rob! Whatever brings you relief and peace. Keep reading, posting, and DOING for yourself. 

Matts, I couldn’t even make it around the block a year ago. Many literal and figurative strides since then .

Goddamn “no pain, no gain” cliche of truth!

You have come so far, Hedo.

hedonist

deadendp said:

hedonist said:

Good going, Rob! Whatever brings you relief and peace. Keep reading, posting, and DOING for yourself. 

Matts, I couldn’t even make it around the block a year ago. Many literal and figurative strides since then .

Goddamn “no pain, no gain” cliche of truth!

You have come so far, Hedo.

To quote JT, “and ten thousand more to go”

HughFreakingDillon

I reached out to a fellow headstones fan on twitter in may 2019 because she seemed so down on herself a lot of the time with her posts. I thought maybe she was going to do something drastic. we had a few back and forths, telling each other our stories. Hadn't heard from her until earlier this week. She messaged me to thank me for reaching out to a complete stranger. 

been trying to help her all week, but man, it's so tough when someone is at that stage of disbelief, or simply not wanting to help themselves. I've been there. I would tell my wife there was nothing she could do, but if she didn't offer, I'd start to get even more down and even bordering on bitterness. depression makes some of us so selfishly needy. at least it did to me. and when i realized it, it made my feelings of worthlessness and burden even worse. 

i don't know what to do, except just offer my ears/eyes and that's about it. obviously everyone experiences differently, so I can't assume what worked for me will work for her, but i'm no expert, i can only draw on my own experience. especially when it's someone i don't even know. 

deadendp

HughFreakingDillon said:

I reached out to a fellow headstones fan on twitter in may 2019 because she seemed so down on herself a lot of the time with her posts. I thought maybe she was going to do something drastic. we had a few back and forths, telling each other our stories. Hadn't heard from her until earlier this week. She messaged me to thank me for reaching out to a complete stranger. 

been trying to help her all week, but man, it's so tough when someone is at that stage of disbelief, or simply not wanting to help themselves. I've been there. I would tell my wife there was nothing she could do, but if she didn't offer, I'd start to get even more down and even bordering on bitterness. depression makes some of us so selfishly needy. at least it did to me. and when i realized it, it made my feelings of worthlessness and burden even worse. 

i don't know what to do, except just offer my ears/eyes and that's about it. obviously everyone experiences differently, so I can't assume what worked for me will work for her, but i'm no expert, i can only draw on my own experience. especially when it's someone i don't even know. 

Thank you for reaching out and offering the ears and the eyes to them. 

HughFreakingDillon

deadendp said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

I reached out to a fellow headstones fan on twitter in may 2019 because she seemed so down on herself a lot of the time with her posts. I thought maybe she was going to do something drastic. we had a few back and forths, telling each other our stories. Hadn't heard from her until earlier this week. She messaged me to thank me for reaching out to a complete stranger. 

been trying to help her all week, but man, it's so tough when someone is at that stage of disbelief, or simply not wanting to help themselves. I've been there. I would tell my wife there was nothing she could do, but if she didn't offer, I'd start to get even more down and even bordering on bitterness. depression makes some of us so selfishly needy. at least it did to me. and when i realized it, it made my feelings of worthlessness and burden even worse. 

i don't know what to do, except just offer my ears/eyes and that's about it. obviously everyone experiences differently, so I can't assume what worked for me will work for her, but i'm no expert, i can only draw on my own experience. especially when it's someone i don't even know. 

Thank you for reaching out and offering the ears and the eyes to them. 

It's a really strange thing, that ever since the Headstones community started having an online presence, I'm astounded how many people are affected by mental illness. the amount of armchair counselling i've attempted to do is really surprising. many have reached out to me because of my openness with my own issues, but if I've noticed someone struggling with "call for help" post, I'll reach out. and the group is overwhelmingly female. 

what dreams

Listening and affirmation of feelings, that's all anyone can do. It's taken me a long time, but I'm finally beginning to understand that nobody really wants to be "fixed" or "changed" by anyone else. They just want to be understood and accepted. 

hedonist

what dreams said:

Listening and affirmation of feelings, that's all anyone can do. It's taken me a long time, but I'm finally beginning to understand that nobody really wants to be "fixed" or "changed" by anyone else. They just want to be understood and accepted. 

True!  However, I also think it's important to recognize when change is warranted and reach out for help if needed.  To me, being aware of the need to shift is that first - and sometimes awful - first step toward self-peace.

what dreams

To be clear, I agree some people need to recognize the need and embrace change. I meant to say that the likelihood of someone changing because someone else told them to = never. 

It's very hard for me as a teacher, because we have this mythical, romantic notion about teachers that we "change lives." I can say with absolute certainty that everytime I have had conflict in my role as a teacher is when I have tried to do exactly that. Judging a student as needing to be changed and then working like hell to change him/her. About a year ago, a psychiatrist told me to give that up, stop trying to fix them. You never will. You're fighting whole systems and dynamics stronger than you. Just let them be who they are and teach them to read and write. I'm still working on it. It's much easier in my personal life.

HughFreakingDillon

what dreams said:

To be clear, I agree some people need to recognize the need and embrace change. I meant to say that the likelihood of someone changing because someone else told them to = never. 

It's very hard for me as a teacher, because we have this mythical, romantic notion about teachers that we "change lives." I can say with absolute certainty that everytime I have had conflict in my role as a teacher is when I have tried to do exactly that. Judging a student as needing to be changed and then working like hell to change him/her. About a year ago, a psychiatrist told me to give that up, stop trying to fix them. You never will. You're fighting whole systems and dynamics stronger than you. Just let them be who they are and teach them to read and write. I'm still working on it. It's much easier in my personal life.

yeah, most people who haven't lived depression give suggestions like "just get up and go to the gym". yeah, sorry, doesn't work like that. as you said, listen, make them feel as heard as you can, and maybe give examples of what helped you, but beyond that, nothing much more. 

Fifthelement

I came across a really interesting article the other day with a term that resonated for me due to some family members.  It’s in “Help Rejecting Complainers.”  https://www.google.ca/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/the-happiness-project/201101/assay-useful-term-the-help-rejecting-complainer%3famp

Might be an interesting read.  It ties in with what what dreams said about not trying to fix people.  An important take-away was that sometimes people just need to verbalise their fears and concerns and be heard.  Others not so much.

overall, I think that’s why this thread is so important.  It should be a safe place for people to vent, share, and commiserate.  It’s also a place where we can share our successes and ongoing trials dealing with mental health.  Be well and be kind.

hedonist

It's really important to push yourself at times - like, for instance, going to the gym.  Or going for a walk.  Painting, volunteering, writing, gardening, whatever.  Just something, anything, to take yourself OUT of yourself.  The mental and physical releases are fantastic payoffs.  And they're free!  Mostly.

Effort and change are neither easy nor comfortable.

Fifth, that was an interesting read.  I could apply it to several people, but particularly to my mom; unfortunately, my years of hearing her laments but making no changes forced me to tell her I'm no longer participating in this futile and draining exercise.  I love her, but she's happier complaining (about serious shit, too) and frankly, I've had enough of listening to it without any constructive action on her part.

Fifthelement

Hedo, you are absolutely right, pushing yourself out of your comfort zone is can be challenging but the effort can be so rewarding.  

I’m glad you were able to set boundaries for yourself.  It’s so hard when it’s family but absolutely necessary for self care.  I’ve had to cut toxic people from my life and set firm boundaries with others in the past.  I find it gets easier as time goes on. 

Fifthelement

Just saw this online and thought it might be useful to others as well, even if you’re not necessarily thinking of giving up.

lastexitlondon

Im in a hole . Im not  sure there is an answer anymore . I just  want to tell someone .
Im sick of being confused im sick of trying  my best every second of the day.
I haven't  a way out of this  no matter how much i talk ,walk,dig,help others. 
Im scared

JPPJ84

lastexitlondon said:

Im in a hole . Im not  sure there is an answer anymore . I just  want to tell someone .
Im sick of being confused im sick of trying  my best every second of the day.
I haven't  a way out of this  no matter how much i talk ,walk,dig,help others. 
Im scared

We‘re all here for you Rob. We’re listening and rooting for you!

lastexitlondon

Thanks for being here. 

lastexitlondon

Im worried that  as we spoke about on previous pages people will distance from me because im negative and repetitive 

JPPJ84

lastexitlondon said:

Im worried that  as we spoke about on previous pages people will distance from me because im negative and repetitive 

You‘ve got enough worries as it is, don’t worry about us. We‘re not going anywhere 

hedonist

lastexitlondon said:

Im worried that  as we spoke about on previous pages people will distance from me because im negative and repetitive 

Not I! And I’m pretty sure I speak for many

lastexitlondon

You  know how it gets. Saying the same thing over and over and its hard to say anything.  I hate to think people think im not trying. Ive smoked too much and hate myself im still sober and ive used weed as an escape. Problem  is it makes me confused more but an escape. I tried a month just doing no anything and i couldnt  cope with my symptoms.  Still cant. Im losing reality  now

lastexitlondon

Im meant to go back  to the  soil breathing  woman today i want to cancel i just can't  face it i dont have faith in it

JPPJ84

lastexitlondon said:

Im meant to go back  to the  soil breathing  woman today i want to cancel i just can't  face it i dont have faith in it

Don't cancel. Rather ask her to explain the idea behind the soil breathing thing because you didn't get it/ it didn't work for you at all. Be open, maybe use the appointment to vent. Be yourself and don't hold back. It could be that she then finds another, more suitable approach

Fifthelement

lastexitlondon said:

Im worried that  as we spoke about on previous pages people will distance from me because im negative and repetitive 

hedonist said:

lastexitlondon said:

Im worried that  as we spoke about on previous pages people will distance from me because im negative and repetitive 

Not I! And I’m pretty sure I speak for many

I’m here for you too, Rob.  An ear to listen if you want.  good vibes being sent.  

lastexitlondon

My partner just broke down in tears. She never does.
She has a scan on weds on her overy i tried not to panic but with health anxiety  i was already thinking  the worst. Now to know she is scared breaks my heart and im so selfish. Im angry and sad with myself.
Yeah i will use this advice at this appointment.

what dreams

lastexitlondon said:

Im meant to go back  to the  soil breathing  woman today i want to cancel i just can't  face it i dont have faith in it

Can you breathe something other than soil?  I mean, I wouldn't want to breathe in soil either. Can you count your breath? Can you breathe in light? Peace? Health? There are many positive words out there that might fit you better as you do the meditation.

Fifthelement

lastexitlondon said:

My partner just broke down in tears. She never does.
She has a scan on weds on her overy i tried not to panic but with health anxiety  i was already thinking  the worst. Now to know she is scared breaks my heart and im so selfish. Im angry and sad with myself.
Yeah i will use this advice at this appointment.

I hope your partners scan comes up clear.  She must be very scared right now.  Please pass on my hugs and good wishes to her.  

Matts3221

lastexitlondon said:

My partner just broke down in tears. She never does.
She has a scan on weds on her overy i tried not to panic but with health anxiety  i was already thinking  the worst. Now to know she is scared breaks my heart and im so selfish. Im angry and sad with myself.
Yeah i will use this advice at this appointment.

I am also hopeful it comes up clear or is something simple like a cyst ( My wife would slap me for saying simply as they can be painful but are very normal and nothing to have to worry much about )

Having your own Anxiety at such high levels , to take on a loved ones can feel like too much or that you start to think very negative or catastrophizing  (  jumping 50 steps ahead of were you are ) .

You are not selfish , you are who you are and you can try to change behaviors but you will always be you. My thoughts are with you and your wife whom I do think will be fine.

Hang in there my friend.

mickeyrat

who has contact with T_A outside of here?

have you or can you reach out to see how things are going for him?

Fifthelement

mickeyrat said:

who has contact with T_A outside of here?

have you or can you reach out to see how things are going for him?

I’ve sent a pm.  I know you have a lot going on Rob, but maybe you can reach out to him on WhatsApp or PM me his phone number so I can send a text.

lastexitlondon

mickeyrat said:

who has contact with T_A outside of here?

have you or can you reach out to see how things are going for him?

I sent him a whatsapp a couple days ago and he said he was doing better  but didnt elaborate . He could have been using the advice he was given about  just saying he is fine i will send him another.