A safe place for anxiety sufferers to share.

lastexitlondon

I have. Ive been 9 days sober but ive been angry and now my partner told me to leave.  Ive been up all night wondering the  streets. I saw T.A s message and i went home. Ive spoken a long time but ive lost faith in the whole thing. 

JPPJ84

Don’t lose faith, 9 days is quite an achievement, isn’t it?! You know this won’t be easy but you keep going, so cut yourself some slack!

lastexitlondon

I was not violent or anything  like it . Ive just been insular and snappy. I take responsibility 

Thoughts_Arrive

Rob, 9 days sober is a huge achievement. I applaud you. You're doing okay so give yourself credit. And keep going out for walks when you feel irritable. Walking is good for mental health. Pay attention to your surroundings (i.e. be mindful) whilst walking. Focus on nature.

stuckinline

lastexitlondon, hang in there! We are all here to support you!

lastexitlondon

I thought  of this place when it was 3 am and i was by a motorway. And how many people would  say rob go home and talk.

vogonpoetbythelake

Yes...communication is key...Russel Brand has a free course right now ...recovery course...safe space to communicate...reflect and project into a brighter future...if you are able to be electronically connected this might be a helpful course of action among others...so proud of you though I dont know you for toughing it out and carrying on...bokonon...that is be..ok...on..on..( kurt vonnegut)

Fifthelement

lastexitlondon said:

I thought  of this place when it was 3 am and i was by a motorway. And how many people would  say rob go home and talk.

Rob, I’m so glad you thought of us.  We truly care about you.  You are correct, we would have said come here and talk or talk to your partner.  Your in a weird space right now in your sobriety.  Please try to keep it up as challenging as it is.  

lastexitlondon

Ive again looked into these  ssri drugs and im not getting involved. I bet over the years of being on and off they are the cause of my memory  issues and confusion.  Just legalised  poison.
Day 10. I have my first meeting  today. 
Yesterday i went to a meeting at MIND. Pointless.
As each day goes by i realise i didnt drink great amounts it was a ritual or habit. 
Whats fucked me is probably  prescription drugs .
I dont know where  this will all end but even with a sober mind i wont last long

Matts3221

Lastexit

Congrats on day 10 , keep it up. Each day is another tally on your success. Also if you don't think you drank large amounts , if you did for a long time or smoked for a long time there are going to be some changes to your body as it readjusted.

That said if you are overmedicated it could also be something that needs to change. Just know I think of you every day and you would not be posting here if you did not care. We care we want to hear what is going on with you. Post thirty times a day if it makes you feel any bit better.

Love from Boston

deadendp

Matts3221 said:

Lastexit

Congrats on day 10 , keep it up. Each day is another tally on your success. Also if you don't think you drank large amounts , if you did for a long time or smoked for a long time there are going to be some changes to your body as it readjusted.

That said if you are overmedicated it could also be something that needs to change. Just know I think of you every day and you would not be posting here if you did not care. We care we want to hear what is going on with you. Post thirty times a day if it makes you feel any bit better.

Love from Boston

lastexitlondon

Thank you matts.
The love is reciprocated and i hope so much you are well.

lastexitlondon

I went to both meetings . A shambles  is the  best  word. The alc and drug one.  The organiser didn't  even  show. Most people  were still  using. They didn't  know why i was even there.
I chose to walk home.  Its about 3 miles i guess, all i could come up with is i do not want to live anymore. A sober non medicated. Non influenced  by any THING realisation.  Im not saying  this to cause alarm or for anyone to hear or act on.
I actually have had enough of all of it. 
I came  home walked straight in my room and sat on my bed. My partner  is now  so preoccupied  with her 18 year old daughter  who now has a baby and  cant cope. It was always going to happen,I knew this ,  with the way i cant function and no real proof or answer as to why or how to fix it my life is nothing  and my existence is nothing. 
Sure people say think  of your  kids. But dont parents always only think of the kids.
Then  what. They are watching the dad they used to know shrivel up into a raisin of nothingness thats cruel . My 3 older kids are all already in the grips of fear because of me. 
Anyway thats where im at. 

evsgjamm

Give yourself permission to be happy ... find another avenue of your life yet to be opened up. It might start with calling someone in your contacts list to go for a coffee.  
It might mean calling a friend in your contacts list to find creative ways to meet up in the days ahead.  
It might mean continuing to set small fun dates with yourself first. The first person on your list to call, is actually yourself.  You gotta talk to yourself and tell yourself "I want to be happy." 
It might mean calling a professional service to talk with someone (I hate that advice; mostly because I'm talking about suicide prevention, which is fucking intense, but I read your reply... we love you here, and you're better off here than not here.)

Give yourself permission to be happy.
Allow yourself to sit up straight and walk with your chin high. Give yourself new small goals that will lead to joy in your life. 

Ideas I'm spracking off:

Cook something you've never dreamt of cooking before.
Give yourself a gift you never have ever thought of giving yourself before.
Watch a movie you have always wanted to watch but never thought you'd get around to. Get around to it.
Talk to yourself about a small thing in your life you can totally change and see if you'll allow yourself to change it. It should be something you can change easily and that will make a small bit of joy in your immediate future.
Bring something new into your home that will make you smile every day. A piece of art, for example.
Talk to someone in your family about something small, but something that makes you happy that they do. Show gratitude in small ways and gratitude will come back to you. Continue that one as often as you can. You get what you put in.

Don't give up on yourself please. Do some of these things seriously. Find that smile and share it with your own heart first.

lastexitlondon

Hi thank you.  All of the above i seriously do and  am doing and its beyond all if that. Its beyond happy or sad.  It is infact a problem  in my brain i have no idea what to call it now.thank you for reaching  out

evsgjamm

Thanks, too, for the reply and the honesty. 
Another thing I forgot to suggest, which I understand you may already be working on. Have moderately busy days with at least an hour of real physical activity and plan a few meals out to give you good energy to burn off during that activity. Doesn't matter what it is: chop wood, clean the streets in your neighborhood - who cares? pick up the trash, the bottles, the cans... and put them in the trash or recycle bins... 
or clean the dead tree branches out in your yard... these are just examples. 
Eating breakfast, lunch and supper and doing something outside that gets your body and brain moving for a while every day... frick... I hope you can do that if you aren't. 

Are you interested in poetry? Come over to the poetry wall if you want... 
Same with art.... pick up a pen and start drawing. Are you on Facebook? Man.... if you are, join Joey Feldman Art Collectors group. Just try it out. Lots of PJ fans on there.

lastexitlondon

this is where i am right now. Doing just that. Im not on any media. Hate everything about it. Fuels my fear 

lastexitlondon

Thank you so much for taking the time to offer up ideas.  

deadendp

I see blue in that sky! 

evsgjamm

Thx for the photo. The dirt looks like it smells good. 
I don't know man... I will always hold out for brighter moods, learning and embracing self love (that's the biggest), real smiles, open conversations, busy days, great meals and even better sleeps. Those are my wishes being sent into your brain and heart forever and ever.

lastexitlondon

I agree with all you are saying. I do colouring in a book every morning for about 2 hours àlso. All great advice. Ive been cooking meals all of the above for last couple years. 

hedonist

evsgjamm said:

Thx for the photo. The dirt looks like it smells good. 
I don't know man... I will always hold out for brighter moods, learning and embracing self love (that's the biggest), real smiles, open conversations, busy days, great meals and even better sleeps. Those are my wishes being sent into your brain and heart forever and ever.

That was beautifully put...and I think applies to us all as well

Rob, as always, good energy and best of thoughts to you. 

lastexitlondon

Life is short.  So fuckin short.  Yet people like me waste it. 
Ive been in thought and i have thought that im not equipped  for life anymore. The  shell i once had many years ago has gone.
My son is 21 and he has called  me in tears today. He suffers as do my daughters.
He is training to be an electrician. He has been sent under some floor and crawled through some asbestos. I cannot cope with this.  Hearing  him so panicked and upset. As i was and am. 
As a builder when i was  young i had to do jobs where  people tried to force the young worker(me) to do work where  it was. My heart  is aching with distress for i recall  my constant fear not knowing if and when it will get me. I have no strength for any of lifes troubles.im lost

Thoughts_Arrive

Asbestos is what scared me away from any trade career

deadendp

I grew up in an old farm house with asbestos in flooring and in walls. So far, we have all made it okay. 

stuckinline

lastexitlondon, please hang in there and know that we are here for you.
I enjoyed your sunrise/sunset photos!

Matts3221

LastExit

Happy to log on today and see the progress being made , glad you have activities you are working on that bring some light to your days.

I have been well and just a few low level panic attacks but nothing bad , being keeping up with the Gym and for me that really works just 40-60 mins or running 2-4 times a week depending on work.

As always thinking of you and everyone on the board who is going thru hard times right now or feeling down. I know it does not work well for everyone but I started just a few days ago writing a "grateful list" includes my wife , family , friends even though they all live far away for the most part now , ect ect.

I keep it by my desk and if I am upset or just having a hard time I take a look at it. Just a suggestion.

Love to you all.

Fifthelement

Just checking in on everyone.  Hope you are all in a good place or at least a stable place where you’re managing to hold on.  Sending love and light to all who need it along with a reminder to be grateful for the small things.

Semi-frozen fountain in front of our legislature building.

lastexitlondon

Im still getting stuck in my bed for days in a row. Still  sober and hating everything  about it. 
I want to return the love and  say i had a realisation like matts family and loved ones go through  hell with you and some can't  stay the road and its not their fault i have the pain of watching  my older children in pain and its unbearable.  I am grateful for my mum and my partner and in the past my ex wife. I had  a long talk with my partner about my ex wife and how  my illness ruined her at a time when she had lost her mum and we had lost a son. 
To anyone who is physically  capable . Get out there  and be in the light ,be it a garden ,a gig, a walk in all weather.  Love is often not appreciated.  Until its too late.

lastexitlondon

Fifthelement said:

Just checking in on everyone.  Hope you are all in a good place or at least a stable place where you’re managing to hold on.  Sending love and light to all who need it along with a reminder to be grateful for the small things.

Semi-frozen fountain in front of our legislature building.

Where is this beauty