njnancy, Please know that you have a community here that supports you. Post as little or as often as you need/want. And if PTSD has a stranglehold at the moment, feel free to punch it in the throat to get it to loosen its grip and eventually let go. Take care of yourself, first and foremost.
Just checking in to key you guys know I'm alive. I'm in the midst of a major PTSD stranglehold. I am completely agoraphobic, haven't left the house in a long time. I am the only driver in my home, so nothing gets done when I'm suffering this intensely. Thank god for delivery services. This only adds to my feelings of self loathing.
I know what I should be doing for the most part but I also know that isolation only allows my mis-firing brain to work its negative forces on me. I know, I know - I've been told that I'm too smart for my own good throughout my 20 year journey with mental health illnesses. I think it means I'm in my head too much, & that is a scary place to be, especially alone. I have no support system, I am supposed to be support for my mom & son. I have always taken care of others, gladly, but I'm not so good at self care when I'm deep in the belly of this beast. I can't do anything.
I feel like a failure, I am scared of everything, I am freaked out about my financial situation & what will happen to me in the future. I miss my dad & brother & my sister so much. I miss the son who filled my heart with love & purpose. The son who returned is a different person, he was abused by his sociopathic father for years that were lost to me as i didn't see him for 5 years starting at 16, huge years & they were filled with his hate for me & excruciating sadness & confusion. He is messed up & I miss the son I know & the mother that I was. I was his advocate & now I have nothing.
My mom got old, acting old, real quick, & I promised my sister I'd care for her. I'd have done it anyway, that's my thing, caring for others. Or give me a crisis & I'm in go mode. But I'm just floundering in my own crisis, & that's what it is I've realized.
It's hard to see Mom slowly stop doing anything for herself. She stays up in my apartment, not hers & I sometimes get angry. I dont want to but it just comes out & I say mean things to my only 2 surviving family members because I'm scared of how they've changed & I realize no one is going to help me. It hurts, & I express it in bouts of anger they don't understand or deserve, then I retreat back to my bedroom.
I don't know how to shake the depression & anxiety from trauma. I am suspicious, I don't trust, I feel betrayed & triggers are everywhere. Everything is terrifying. It's exhausting. I contribute nothing to the world & I feel guilty for squandering precious time of which my siblings were robbed. (That's how you keep a participle from dangling.)
So that's a bit of my struggle, I know I am not unique nor am I the only one suffering. I have no advice for you guys but I do keep you in my thoughts & heart. It's a special thing to actually admit a struggle & find there are others who are right there with you.
The holidays don't help, but I am determined to get my life back. Just as alcohol was a monster that took over my life years ago, then domestic abuse. Now PTSD is the monster that I want gone. I hate this existence, the real me is screaming inside as my mind & body do nothing.
I love you guys, I see so much honesty & compassion. The world needs this type of understanding, acceptance & community. Safe places. Kindness.
Happy New Year, may we all fight the clouds of darkness & its lies, and trust truth, light & life. Let's ask for help or give it without shame. May we love ourselves no matter what, just a little bit each day. That's my grown up Christmas wish.
Be strong, Nancy ✌❤🤘
Thinking of you this morning.
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mickeyrat
up my ass, like Chadwick was up his Posts: 35,888
Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
https://youtu.be/VGRtYNGNkdE T.A This was my birthday , I was rail with my now partner. Then a friend. We have a daughter now.And this message from ed may well of bèen about Israel at the time but what he is saying about how we all should live is a good watch. It made me think of you for both reasons. 1. Life is simple . We are simple. 2. I was standing with the now love if my life. And at the time we were just a group of fans that were at a few gigs the same. Now we have a wonderful daughter in our 40's. Its there my friend. Let go and fly.
brixton 93
astoria 06
albany 06
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reading 06
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this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
https://youtu.be/VGRtYNGNkdE T.A This was my birthday , I was rail with my now partner. Then a friend. We have a daughter now.And this message from ed may well of bèen about Israel at the time but what he is saying about how we all should live is a good watch. It made me think of you for both reasons. 1. Life is simple . We are simple. 2. I was standing with the now love if my life. And at the time we were just a group of fans that were at a few gigs the same. Now we have a wonderful daughter in our 40's. Its there my friend. Let go and fly.
It wouldn't play for me either. I'll look on YouTube.
Thank you Rob. That's beautiful how you two met.
I've sadly had female friends that I've had feelings for but they didn't feel the same way about me. I'm great at being friendzoned.
Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
Friend zone is ok. And may not stay that way. Friends are more important and can become more sometimes. But if not then they have friends also to meet.
brixton 93
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
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paris 06
wembley 07
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this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
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mickeyrat
up my ass, like Chadwick was up his Posts: 35,888
female friends can be important allies on several fronts.
Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
Friend zone is ok. And may not stay that way. Friends are more important and can become more sometimes. But if not then they have friends also to meet.
I have two single female friends. I haven't seen them in a long time. I wouldn't even say we're friends, acquaintances more so but we chat on Facebook messenger all the time. One is from uni and the other I sent a friend request on Facebook because she was commenting on my post on a Simpsons page and I thought she looked pretty.
Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
So last night I got gripped with a paralyzing fear , I was legitatmal (sp) frozen in panic for a good hour or so and I thought of you Thoughts_Arrived. I had a conversation with someone who works with me yesterday at work and we got just a bit snippy with each other but it really stuck with me and when I thought about it at home I started to think , this person hates me , they are going to leave this job and I am fucked , I am fucked.
After taking a deep breath and thinking about it I realized I was just projecting how I assumed she felt and then started jumping ahead 10 steps on the ladder.
Today coming into work , nothing but smiles and laughs. It hit me again stop assuming what other people think. Just move forward with life.
Again good advice for anyone but for some reason I thought of you Thoguhts.
I hope everyone has a safe / healthy / Anxiety free New Years
I personal just plan on staying in as I do every year since I was 26 with my wife and watching some movies and eating some special gummy bears
Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
https://youtu.be/VGRtYNGNkdE T.A This was my birthday , I was rail with my now partner. Then a friend. We have a daughter now.And this message from ed may well of bèen about Israel at the time but what he is saying about how we all should live is a good watch. It made me think of you for both reasons. 1. Life is simple . We are simple. 2. I was standing with the now love if my life. And at the time we were just a group of fans that were at a few gigs the same. Now we have a wonderful daughter in our 40's. Its there my friend. Let go and fly.
I finally got around to the video, wow I've never heard Ed so fired up before.
Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
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hedonist
standing on the edge of forever Posts: 24,524
Thank you . I went sober today and im so ill . I cant breathe properly and i feel awful. Im going to a drug and alcohol place tomorrow although deep down i know i have a worse problem and the drink and weed is all i have had to hide behind. I dont think i can quit. But if i dont keep trying i will be dead soon
brixton 93
astoria 06
albany 06
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reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
Comments
They wont all die or leave.
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
Thinking of you this morning.
Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
T.A
This was my birthday , I was rail with my now partner. Then a friend. We have a daughter now.And this message from ed may well of bèen about Israel at the time but what he is saying about how we all should live is a good watch. It made me think of you for both reasons. 1. Life is simple . We are simple.
2. I was standing with the now love if my life. And at the time we were just a group of fans that were at a few gigs the same. Now we have a wonderful daughter in our 40's.
Its there my friend. Let go and fly.
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
And may not stay that way.
Friends are more important and can become more sometimes. But if not then they have friends also to meet.
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
Can it be done?
Sorry I know it came across bad.
I wouldn't even say we're friends, acquaintances more so but we chat on Facebook messenger all the time.
One is from uni and the other I sent a friend request on Facebook because she was commenting on my post on a Simpsons page and I thought she looked pretty.
So last night I got gripped with a paralyzing fear , I was legitatmal (sp) frozen in panic for a good hour or so and I thought of you Thoughts_Arrived. I had a conversation with someone who works with me yesterday at work and we got just a bit snippy with each other but it really stuck with me and when I thought about it at home I started to think , this person hates me , they are going to leave this job and I am fucked , I am fucked.
After taking a deep breath and thinking about it I realized I was just projecting how I assumed she felt and then started jumping ahead 10 steps on the ladder.
Today coming into work , nothing but smiles and laughs. It hit me again stop assuming what other people think. Just move forward with life.
Again good advice for anyone but for some reason I thought of you Thoguhts.
I hope everyone has a safe / healthy / Anxiety free New Years
I personal just plan on staying in as I do every year since I was 26 with my wife and watching some movies and eating some special gummy bears
Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
I've added that video to watch later as it is too long for today.
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -