A safe place for anxiety sufferers to share.

njnancy said:

Just checking in to key you guys know I'm alive.  I'm in the midst of a major PTSD stranglehold.    I am  completely agoraphobic,  haven't left the house in a long time.  I am the only driver in my home, so nothing  gets done when I'm suffering this intensely. Thank god for delivery  services. 
This only adds to my feelings of self loathing. 

I know what I should be doing for the most part but I also know that isolation only allows my mis-firing brain to work its negative forces on me. I know,  I know - I've been told that I'm too  smart for my own good throughout my 20 year journey with mental health illnesses. I think it means I'm  in my head too much,  & that is a scary place to be,  especially alone.  I have no support system,  I am supposed to be support for  my mom & son. I have always taken care of  others,  gladly,  but I'm  not so good at self care when I'm deep in the belly of this beast. I can't do anything.

I feel like a failure, I am scared of everything, I am freaked out about my financial situation & what will happen to me in the future. I miss my dad & brother & my sister so much. I miss the son who filled my heart  with love & purpose.  The son who returned is a different person,  he was abused by his sociopathic father for years that were lost to me as i didn't see him for 5 years starting at 16, huge years & they were filled with his hate for me & excruciating sadness & confusion. He is messed up & I miss the son I know & the mother that I was. I was his advocate & now I have nothing. 

 My  mom  got old, acting old, real quick,  & I promised my sister I'd care for  her. I'd have done it anyway, that's my thing,  caring for  others.  Or give me a crisis & I'm in go mode. But I'm just floundering in my own crisis,  & that's what it is I've realized. 

It's hard to see Mom slowly stop doing anything for  herself.  She stays up in my apartment,  not hers & I sometimes get angry.  I dont want to but it just comes out & I say mean things to my only 2 surviving family members because I'm scared of how they've changed & I realize no one is going to help me. It hurts, & I express it in bouts of anger they don't understand or deserve, then I retreat back to my bedroom. 

I don't know how to shake the depression & anxiety from trauma.  I am suspicious,  I don't trust, I feel betrayed & triggers are everywhere.  Everything is terrifying. It's exhausting. I contribute nothing to the world & I feel guilty for squandering precious time of which my siblings were robbed. (That's how you keep a participle from dangling.)

So that's a bit of my struggle,  I know I am not unique nor am I the only one suffering.  I have no advice for you guys but I do keep you in my thoughts & heart. It's a special thing to actually admit a struggle & find there are others who are right there with you. 

The holidays don't help,  but I am determined to get my life back. Just as alcohol was a monster that took over my life years ago,  then domestic abuse.  Now PTSD is the monster that I want gone. I hate this existence,  the real me is screaming inside as my mind & body do nothing. 

I love you guys,  I see so much honesty & compassion. The world needs this type of understanding,  acceptance & community. Safe places. Kindness.

Happy New Year, may we all fight the clouds of darkness & its lies, and trust truth, light & life. Let's ask for help or give it without shame. May we love  ourselves no matter what, just a little bit each day. That's my grown up Christmas wish. 

 Be strong,
 Nancy
✌❤🤘

lastexitlondon said:

https://youtu.be/VGRtYNGNkdE
T.A
 This was my birthday , I was rail with my now partner.  Then a friend. We have a daughter now.And this  message from ed may well of bèen about Israel at the time but what he is saying about how we all should live is a good watch. It made me think of you for both  reasons. 1. Life is simple . We are simple.
2. I was standing with the now love if my life. And at the time we were just a group  of fans that were at a few gigs the  same. Now we have a wonderful  daughter in our 40's. 
Its there  my friend. Let go and fly.

Thoughts_Arrive said:

JPPJ84 said:

Are you looking for friends or assets??? 

Was a joke. Star Wars reference....
Sorry I know it came across bad.

JPPJ84 said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

JPPJ84 said:

Are you looking for friends or assets??? 

Was a joke. Star Wars reference....
Sorry I know it came across bad.

Good thing the trilogy is on my agenda for tomorrow