A safe place for anxiety sufferers to share.

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  • njnancy
    njnancy Posts: 5,096
    Just checking in to key you guys know I'm alive.  I'm in the midst of a major PTSD stranglehold.    I am  completely agoraphobic,  haven't left the house in a long time.  I am the only driver in my home, so nothing  gets done when I'm suffering this intensely. Thank god for delivery  services. 
    This only adds to my feelings of self loathing. 

    I know what I should be doing for the most part but I also know that isolation only allows my mis-firing brain to work its negative forces on me. I know,  I know - I've been told that I'm too  smart for my own good throughout my 20 year journey with mental health illnesses. I think it means I'm  in my head too much,  & that is a scary place to be,  especially alone.  I have no support system,  I am supposed to be support for  my mom & son. I have always taken care of  others,  gladly,  but I'm  not so good at self care when I'm deep in the belly of this beast. I can't do anything.

    I feel like a failure, I am scared of everything, I am freaked out about my financial situation & what will happen to me in the future. I miss my dad & brother & my sister so much. I miss the son who filled my heart  with love & purpose.  The son who returned is a different person,  he was abused by his sociopathic father for years that were lost to me as i didn't see him for 5 years starting at 16, huge years & they were filled with his hate for me & excruciating sadness & confusion. He is messed up & I miss the son I know & the mother that I was. I was his advocate & now I have nothing. 

     My  mom  got old, acting old, real quick,  & I promised my sister I'd care for  her. I'd have done it anyway, that's my thing,  caring for  others.  Or give me a crisis & I'm in go mode. But I'm just floundering in my own crisis,  & that's what it is I've realized. 

    It's hard to see Mom slowly stop doing anything for  herself.  She stays up in my apartment,  not hers & I sometimes get angry.  I dont want to but it just comes out & I say mean things to my only 2 surviving family members because I'm scared of how they've changed & I realize no one is going to help me. It hurts, & I express it in bouts of anger they don't understand or deserve, then I retreat back to my bedroom. 

    I don't know how to shake the depression & anxiety from trauma.  I am suspicious,  I don't trust, I feel betrayed & triggers are everywhere.  Everything is terrifying. It's exhausting. I contribute nothing to the world & I feel guilty for squandering precious time of which my siblings were robbed. (That's how you keep a participle from dangling.)

    So that's a bit of my struggle,  I know I am not unique nor am I the only one suffering.  I have no advice for you guys but I do keep you in my thoughts & heart. It's a special thing to actually admit a struggle & find there are others who are right there with you. 

    The holidays don't help,  but I am determined to get my life back. Just as alcohol was a monster that took over my life years ago,  then domestic abuse.  Now PTSD is the monster that I want gone. I hate this existence,  the real me is screaming inside as my mind & body do nothing. 

    I love you guys,  I see so much honesty & compassion. The world needs this type of understanding,  acceptance & community. Safe places. Kindness.

    Happy New Year, may we all fight the clouds of darkness & its lies, and trust truth, light & life. Let's ask for help or give it without shame. May we love  ourselves no matter what, just a little bit each day. That's my grown up Christmas wish. 

     Be strong,
     Nancy
    ✌❤🤘


  • lastexitlondon
    lastexitlondon Posts: 14,904
    Nancy we all love you. Know that


    this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
  • deadendp
    deadendp Northeast Ohio Posts: 10,434
    Nancy,

    We can't fix it, but I am so very glad that you know that you DO have a support system here. 
    lastexitlondon said:
    Nancy we all love you. Know that
    +1. 
    2014: Cincinnati
    2016: Lexington and Wrigley 1
  • hedonist
    hedonist Posts: 24,524
    deadendp said:
    Nancy,

    We can't fix it, but I am so very glad that you know that you DO have a support system here. 
    lastexitlondon said:
    Nancy we all love you. Know that
    +1. 
    Yes, both of these.

    And this?

    Happy New Year, may we all fight the clouds of darkness & its lies, and trust truth, light & life. Let's ask for help or give it without shame. May we love  ourselves no matter what, just a little bit each day. That's my grown up Christmas wish. 

    Amen.  And for you as well.
  • Fifthelement
    Fifthelement Lotusland Posts: 6,965
    @njnancy as you continue to endure yet another battle, I echo the others, you may not know us and we’re located around the globe, but we are here for you.  Vent as much and as often as you can to purge yourself of negative thoughts and emotions.

    You’ve fought other demons (alcohol, cigs, domestic abuse) and have destroyed them or kept them in check.  You are a fucking hero.  That little spark which exists in us all, refuses, in you, to be quenched.  Fan that flame with positive thoughts of your fighting spirit.  We’ll be here to cheer you on and to listen if you need us.

    Much love today and everyday.

    S xx
    "What the CANUCK happened?!? - Esquimalt Barber Shop
  • Thoughts_Arrive
    Thoughts_Arrive Melbourne, Australia Posts: 15,165
    stuckinline said:
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    stuckinline said:
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    RunIntoTheRain said:
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    How is everyone doing?
    As for me, I'm okay. Just dealing with butthurt parents that cannot accept I am an atheist. 
    You need to perfect the art of giving zero fucks what your parents think. Seriously. Zero fucks.
    It's hard when they have a frown on their faces all day long. They both look so angry and depressed. Mum isn't talking to me and dad won't speak to me in a nice manner. Very short and with attitude. I hate that it destroys them this much because I feel responsible.
    Thoughts_Arrive, just checking in to see how you are doing.

    I'm okay. Thank you for checking in. 

    And I agree with previous posts, one day I will have the distance I so desire. I'll be dead to them, to everyone who does not understand me.
    I dream of flying free.
    Glad to hear you are doing okay!
    Thanks. Was doing okay. I've had a dive in mood.

    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • Thoughts_Arrive
    Thoughts_Arrive Melbourne, Australia Posts: 15,165
    njnancy said:
    Just checking in to key you guys know I'm alive.  I'm in the midst of a major PTSD stranglehold.    I am  completely agoraphobic,  haven't left the house in a long time.  I am the only driver in my home, so nothing  gets done when I'm suffering this intensely. Thank god for delivery  services. 
    This only adds to my feelings of self loathing. 

    I know what I should be doing for the most part but I also know that isolation only allows my mis-firing brain to work its negative forces on me. I know,  I know - I've been told that I'm too  smart for my own good throughout my 20 year journey with mental health illnesses. I think it means I'm  in my head too much,  & that is a scary place to be,  especially alone.  I have no support system,  I am supposed to be support for  my mom & son. I have always taken care of  others,  gladly,  but I'm  not so good at self care when I'm deep in the belly of this beast. I can't do anything.

    I feel like a failure, I am scared of everything, I am freaked out about my financial situation & what will happen to me in the future. I miss my dad & brother & my sister so much. I miss the son who filled my heart  with love & purpose.  The son who returned is a different person,  he was abused by his sociopathic father for years that were lost to me as i didn't see him for 5 years starting at 16, huge years & they were filled with his hate for me & excruciating sadness & confusion. He is messed up & I miss the son I know & the mother that I was. I was his advocate & now I have nothing. 

     My  mom  got old, acting old, real quick,  & I promised my sister I'd care for  her. I'd have done it anyway, that's my thing,  caring for  others.  Or give me a crisis & I'm in go mode. But I'm just floundering in my own crisis,  & that's what it is I've realized. 

    It's hard to see Mom slowly stop doing anything for  herself.  She stays up in my apartment,  not hers & I sometimes get angry.  I dont want to but it just comes out & I say mean things to my only 2 surviving family members because I'm scared of how they've changed & I realize no one is going to help me. It hurts, & I express it in bouts of anger they don't understand or deserve, then I retreat back to my bedroom. 

    I don't know how to shake the depression & anxiety from trauma.  I am suspicious,  I don't trust, I feel betrayed & triggers are everywhere.  Everything is terrifying. It's exhausting. I contribute nothing to the world & I feel guilty for squandering precious time of which my siblings were robbed. (That's how you keep a participle from dangling.)

    So that's a bit of my struggle,  I know I am not unique nor am I the only one suffering.  I have no advice for you guys but I do keep you in my thoughts & heart. It's a special thing to actually admit a struggle & find there are others who are right there with you. 

    The holidays don't help,  but I am determined to get my life back. Just as alcohol was a monster that took over my life years ago,  then domestic abuse.  Now PTSD is the monster that I want gone. I hate this existence,  the real me is screaming inside as my mind & body do nothing. 

    I love you guys,  I see so much honesty & compassion. The world needs this type of understanding,  acceptance & community. Safe places. Kindness.

    Happy New Year, may we all fight the clouds of darkness & its lies, and trust truth, light & life. Let's ask for help or give it without shame. May we love  ourselves no matter what, just a little bit each day. That's my grown up Christmas wish. 

     Be strong,
     Nancy
    ✌❤🤘


    Terribly sad to read what you've gone through and are battling today.
    A lot of what you said resonates with me. I know what I have to do to help myself but cannot find the strength to do it.
    Sending you my love. Happy new year to you too.
    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • Thoughts_Arrive
    Thoughts_Arrive Melbourne, Australia Posts: 15,165
    The hardest thing that I have had to deal with this year has been my best friend, the one person I feel truly understands me, living far from where I live as he has moved and he has become a new dad. I feel like I've lost him to due his relocation and new dad duties. Plus he's in a band now so he's busy with that. We do not chat as often as we used to. I haven't told him how I feel as I don't want to make him feel bad. It makes me feel so alone and frightened. 
    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • hedonist
    hedonist Posts: 24,524
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    The hardest thing that I have had to deal with this year has been my best friend, the one person I feel truly understands me, living far from where I live as he has moved and he has become a new dad. I feel like I've lost him to due his relocation and new dad duties. Plus he's in a band now so he's busy with that. We do not chat as often as we used to. I haven't told him how I feel as I don't want to make him feel bad. It makes me feel so alone and frightened. 
    A good reason to begin forging new friendships!
  • Thoughts_Arrive
    Thoughts_Arrive Melbourne, Australia Posts: 15,165
    edited December 2019
    hedonist said:
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    The hardest thing that I have had to deal with this year has been my best friend, the one person I feel truly understands me, living far from where I live as he has moved and he has become a new dad. I feel like I've lost him to due his relocation and new dad duties. Plus he's in a band now so he's busy with that. We do not chat as often as we used to. I haven't told him how I feel as I don't want to make him feel bad. It makes me feel so alone and frightened. 
    A good reason to begin forging new friendships!
    I know. My best friend is irreplaceable to me, we've known each other for almost 20 years. He's like a brother. 
    My heart is too big, it loves too much, too deeply and on the flip side feels immense heartache. 
    I have two other friends but we have not caught up in many months (April and July). 
    It is so hard to find someone you connect with and can trust.

    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • JPPJ84
    JPPJ84 Hamburg, Germany Posts: 3,464
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    hedonist said:
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    The hardest thing that I have had to deal with this year has been my best friend, the one person I feel truly understands me, living far from where I live as he has moved and he has become a new dad. I feel like I've lost him to due his relocation and new dad duties. Plus he's in a band now so he's busy with that. We do not chat as often as we used to. I haven't told him how I feel as I don't want to make him feel bad. It makes me feel so alone and frightened. 
    A good reason to begin forging new friendships!
    I know. My best friend is irreplaceable to me, we've known each other for almost 20 years. He's like a brother. 
    My heart is too big, it loves too much, too deeply and on the flip side feels immense heartache. 
    I have two other friends but we have not caught up in many months (April and July). 
    It is so hard to find someone you connect with and can trust.

    Make the first step then, reconnect! Don’t expect others to come to you. Just text or phone them, arrange to catch up 
  • OffSheGoes35
    OffSheGoes35 Posts: 3,517
    edited December 2019
    Which choice appeals to you more T_A, making the first move to reconnect with old friends or trying to make new friends?
    Post edited by OffSheGoes35 on
  • Thoughts_Arrive
    Thoughts_Arrive Melbourne, Australia Posts: 15,165
    OffSheGoes35 said:
    Which choice appeals to you more T_A, making the first move to reconnect with old friends or trying to make new friends?
    Reconnecting. It's very hard to find good friends, I cannot be bothered being disappointed. Plus I am too shy.
    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • Thoughts_Arrive
    Thoughts_Arrive Melbourne, Australia Posts: 15,165
    JPPJ84 said:
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    hedonist said:
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    The hardest thing that I have had to deal with this year has been my best friend, the one person I feel truly understands me, living far from where I live as he has moved and he has become a new dad. I feel like I've lost him to due his relocation and new dad duties. Plus he's in a band now so he's busy with that. We do not chat as often as we used to. I haven't told him how I feel as I don't want to make him feel bad. It makes me feel so alone and frightened. 
    A good reason to begin forging new friendships!
    I know. My best friend is irreplaceable to me, we've known each other for almost 20 years. He's like a brother. 
    My heart is too big, it loves too much, too deeply and on the flip side feels immense heartache. 
    I have two other friends but we have not caught up in many months (April and July). 
    It is so hard to find someone you connect with and can trust.

    Make the first step then, reconnect! Don’t expect others to come to you. Just text or phone them, arrange to catch up 
    If people don't come to me, am I worth it?
    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • JPPJ84
    JPPJ84 Hamburg, Germany Posts: 3,464
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    JPPJ84 said:
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    hedonist said:
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    The hardest thing that I have had to deal with this year has been my best friend, the one person I feel truly understands me, living far from where I live as he has moved and he has become a new dad. I feel like I've lost him to due his relocation and new dad duties. Plus he's in a band now so he's busy with that. We do not chat as often as we used to. I haven't told him how I feel as I don't want to make him feel bad. It makes me feel so alone and frightened. 
    A good reason to begin forging new friendships!
    I know. My best friend is irreplaceable to me, we've known each other for almost 20 years. He's like a brother. 
    My heart is too big, it loves too much, too deeply and on the flip side feels immense heartache. 
    I have two other friends but we have not caught up in many months (April and July). 
    It is so hard to find someone you connect with and can trust.

    Make the first step then, reconnect! Don’t expect others to come to you. Just text or phone them, arrange to catch up 
    If people don't come to me, am I worth it?
    Have you ever thought about what your friends might feel? Could be „I wonder why M isn’t ever calling? Maybe he doesn’t like me anymore?“
    From my own experience I can tell you it’s annoying af to have friends who never make an effort and who always expect the others to make the first step. Rise above it and make the first step. Don’t overthink it. Wish them a very happy new year and tell them it’s been way too long, let‘s have a beer and catch up in January 
  • Thoughts_Arrive
    Thoughts_Arrive Melbourne, Australia Posts: 15,165
    JPPJ84 said:
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    JPPJ84 said:
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    hedonist said:
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    The hardest thing that I have had to deal with this year has been my best friend, the one person I feel truly understands me, living far from where I live as he has moved and he has become a new dad. I feel like I've lost him to due his relocation and new dad duties. Plus he's in a band now so he's busy with that. We do not chat as often as we used to. I haven't told him how I feel as I don't want to make him feel bad. It makes me feel so alone and frightened. 
    A good reason to begin forging new friendships!
    I know. My best friend is irreplaceable to me, we've known each other for almost 20 years. He's like a brother. 
    My heart is too big, it loves too much, too deeply and on the flip side feels immense heartache. 
    I have two other friends but we have not caught up in many months (April and July). 
    It is so hard to find someone you connect with and can trust.

    Make the first step then, reconnect! Don’t expect others to come to you. Just text or phone them, arrange to catch up 
    If people don't come to me, am I worth it?
    Have you ever thought about what your friends might feel? Could be „I wonder why M isn’t ever calling? Maybe he doesn’t like me anymore?“
    From my own experience I can tell you it’s annoying af to have friends who never make an effort and who always expect the others to make the first step. Rise above it and make the first step. Don’t overthink it. Wish them a very happy new year and tell them it’s been way too long, let‘s have a beer and catch up in January 
    I did send my best friend a Christmas text to wish him and his family a Merry Christmas.
    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • JPPJ84
    JPPJ84 Hamburg, Germany Posts: 3,464
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    OffSheGoes35 said:
    Which choice appeals to you more T_A, making the first move to reconnect with old friends or trying to make new friends?
    Reconnecting. It's very hard to find good friends, I cannot be bothered being disappointed. Plus I am too shy.
    If you live your life trying to shield yourself from disappointment I‘m not sure you‘re really living. You‘ve got to take a risk sometimes. Also you don’t have to find a new best friend, it’s nice to also have very good casual friends you can have a coffee with or share a hobby. When I came to Hamburg I knew two people who were two of my best friends from uni. One‘s got a family now and we see each other about 5 times a year... lucky me! I met a couple of new friends. Two moved away but luckily we’re still in contact and meet once a year. One‘s my neighbor, who I‘m very friendly with, we catch up, we grab a drink and we help each other out. Is she a close friend? No, but that is not disappointing. It’s fine. My closest friend, who I met here during a sports program, has family and she’ll probably move away in six months... yaay! It sucks big time. So I‘ll have to look for new friends. My point is that all of this is part of life and you have to make an effort!
  • JPPJ84
    JPPJ84 Hamburg, Germany Posts: 3,464
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    JPPJ84 said:
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    JPPJ84 said:
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    hedonist said:
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    The hardest thing that I have had to deal with this year has been my best friend, the one person I feel truly understands me, living far from where I live as he has moved and he has become a new dad. I feel like I've lost him to due his relocation and new dad duties. Plus he's in a band now so he's busy with that. We do not chat as often as we used to. I haven't told him how I feel as I don't want to make him feel bad. It makes me feel so alone and frightened. 
    A good reason to begin forging new friendships!
    I know. My best friend is irreplaceable to me, we've known each other for almost 20 years. He's like a brother. 
    My heart is too big, it loves too much, too deeply and on the flip side feels immense heartache. 
    I have two other friends but we have not caught up in many months (April and July). 
    It is so hard to find someone you connect with and can trust.

    Make the first step then, reconnect! Don’t expect others to come to you. Just text or phone them, arrange to catch up 
    If people don't come to me, am I worth it?
    Have you ever thought about what your friends might feel? Could be „I wonder why M isn’t ever calling? Maybe he doesn’t like me anymore?“
    From my own experience I can tell you it’s annoying af to have friends who never make an effort and who always expect the others to make the first step. Rise above it and make the first step. Don’t overthink it. Wish them a very happy new year and tell them it’s been way too long, let‘s have a beer and catch up in January 
    I did send my best friend a Christmas text to wish him and his family a Merry Christmas.
    Good, now go text the other two and ask about catching up :smile: 
  • Thoughts_Arrive
    Thoughts_Arrive Melbourne, Australia Posts: 15,165
    I Facebook messaged my other friend and suggested a catch up as he reached out to me a month ago but I did not hear back.
    He apologised for not being in touch and just told me he's been unwinding at home as he's had a rough year which is understandable.
    He suggested a catch up next week. I said yes.
    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • Thoughts_Arrive
    Thoughts_Arrive Melbourne, Australia Posts: 15,165
    edited December 2019
    JPPJ84 said:
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    OffSheGoes35 said:
    Which choice appeals to you more T_A, making the first move to reconnect with old friends or trying to make new friends?
    Reconnecting. It's very hard to find good friends, I cannot be bothered being disappointed. Plus I am too shy.
    If you live your life trying to shield yourself from disappointment I‘m not sure you‘re really living. You‘ve got to take a risk sometimes. Also you don’t have to find a new best friend, it’s nice to also have very good casual friends you can have a coffee with or share a hobby. When I came to Hamburg I knew two people who were two of my best friends from uni. One‘s got a family now and we see each other about 5 times a year... lucky me! I met a couple of new friends. Two moved away but luckily we’re still in contact and meet once a year. One‘s my neighbor, who I‘m very friendly with, we catch up, we grab a drink and we help each other out. Is she a close friend? No, but that is not disappointing. It’s fine. My closest friend, who I met here during a sports program, has family and she’ll probably move away in six months... yaay! It sucks big time. So I‘ll have to look for new friends. My point is that all of this is part of life and you have to make an effort!
    I understand. I compare every friendship to that of me and my best friend and it often leaves me feeling down. Casual friendships make me sad. I want close, deep, loving friendships. 
    Life is too painful for sensitives. 
    I don't want to feel like I am replacing friends because of life circumstances. 
    I'm loyal to those I love and it hurts that I don't get to see them often.
    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014

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