A safe place for anxiety sufferers to share.

lastexitlondon said:

mickeyrat said:

lastexitlondon said:

Hi im writing here as a last resort. Im in the worst situation of my life and im scared. 

understandable. when is the procedure?

Nobody has called yet.  I wait for  a call and then a date. It feels so slow. Now i cant walk. My big toe is swollen  and feels like ive been stabbed in it. I give up

ok, so the Dr is concerned but not overly so. thats a positive sign.

in my class today i mentioned that i was introverted, have extreme anxiety and do not like people. the answers i got back were you dont look it, you dont seem it, i dont see that. i then went on to explain what it took for me to be in that class today, what it takes for me to show up for my shifts at work... how  i spend my time psyching myself up in order to make to work... how there are days when i find myself standing across the road from work willing myself to just walk across the road, that itll be ok once im there, how i hope that my shift times wont be changed or that where im working wont be changed cause that will throw all my good work out the window. i dont tell them that my house has become my fortress and my bedroom is my sanctuary. that those days ive been missing from class have been because im essentially hiding from the world... that i cant even  leave my bed. cause why??? cause the world is crushing me. cause i wake up when id hoped i wouldnt... cause just the sound of people makes me bristle... cause if someone sits next to me on the bus, i bristle. cause if someone speaks to me, i bristle. cause i truly wish i could step in front of that bus... but how could i do that to the driver, the passengers, my family? my mind is constantly buzzing with what ifs, why cant i justs and what the fuck is wrong with you thoughts. the guy i recently stopped seeing said to me one day that he was ok with people who had mental illnesses(as if his judgement mattered)... so long as they dealt with it themselves. naturally i thought hes got no friggin idea and hes not ok with people with mental illness. he told me he had friends that had anxiety and my immediate thought was what a sucky friend he must be to them. i found out how sucky one day, when i was going through an episode and didnt wish to see anyone, that i wanted to concentrate on myself, to try and fix myself, that he had no idea cause despite him knowing my state of mind that day, he kept me on the phone talking while he decided to show up at my house wanting me to meet up with him.. tho he didnt knock on my door. he wasnt respecting my boundaries and he wasnt  giving a shit about how i was feeling. what he wanted was for me to attend to him. i said no, i couldnt. unsurprisingly he freaked out saying no one had ever said no to him... i thought no shit sherlock. he pushed me, i resisted. i was tired of not putting myself first, of not looking out for my mental health. he gave me ultimatums . i stood my ground.  id like to say that i won, but it felt like a loss. actually it felt like  a mix of the two. but i tell you, his attitude has put me on  high alert. i cant lower my guard enough to become involved with anyone. half of me wants someone, the other half whispers dont do it. anxiety and depression suck so much. i struggle to be who i want to be... to do what i want to do. it makes me feel useless, pathetic and not worth anyones love. and tbh i cant even get out of my own way. 

lastexitlondon said:

There is a song by glen hansard called don't settle . Its about getting out of your own way

i just listened to that song. i try to get out of my own way.... to keep out of my own own way... but i cant.  i try to just let things happen, to be enveloped by whats coming at me. i cant. i want things that have been denied me, but i cant figure out out how to sort it.  

but my biggest hurdle I've jumped over is living an actual life instead of isolating myself. isolation is so easy and so fucking hard at the same time. you know it's not normal. you tell yourself it is. but it isn't. and you know it. so you get through the day. hoping tomorrow will be different. but it won't be. not unless you do something about it. 

my meds helped me with my social anxiety. i don't get all fucked up nervous about going outside my home anymore. or going to a party or whatever. i'm past that point. but I still struggle with coping with minor things. 

I still catch myself occasionally just standing around my house, not doing a fucking thing, not knowing what to do. it's such a strange thing that I always attributed to people in a mental institution; standing around, hands shaking, not being able to make a decision to sit or stand, walk or stay, turn on the tv or just fucking stare. but those are rare now.