A safe place for anxiety sufferers to share.

lastexitlondon

My dr made a thurs  appointment  to see someone.  And told me in a crisis go to a+e.
I have valium  which im reluctant to take. I cant risk losing more memory

mickeyrat

lastexitlondon said:

Sadly no good m. Its all too much. 
Mickey i tried  to read it but straight  away saw the illness that im scared of and couldn't  not read any further. I cant even see the word. Not your fault mine. I cant even  see the  word.

whats the one thing that you have not done?

in patient treatment? before you say. but my kids, just how much of a parent are you being in your current state?

lastexitlondon

To be honest im still doing all the school lifts and  that is all i can manage.  I will try meds again out of sheer desparacy . I will end up in patient in the end i guess. Its not really my choice.  The drs have to send me and they won't.  If i go to hospital it has to be when suicidal then they will assess me. Dont get me wrong i want to be better. I want to have a chance. But my symptoms are unbearable. 24/7.
I try and say my dr has 35 years  experience  and he is certain its not that disease i say it is. So i must trust him. But can't  trust anyone over myself and my inner voice and feelings.

deadendp

lastexitlondon said:

To be honest im still doing all the school lifts and  that is all i can manage.  I will try meds again out of sheer desparacy . I will end up in patient in the end i guess. Its not really my choice.  The drs have to send me and they won't.  If i go to hospital it has to be when suicidal then they will assess me. Dont get me wrong i want to be better. I want to have a chance. But my symptoms are unbearable. 24/7.
I try and say my dr has 35 years  experience  and he is certain its not that disease i say it is. So i must trust him. But can't  trust anyone over myself and my inner voice and feelings.

The other day your message sounded like a final message. I'm sorry, but Thursday is not very acceptable for someone in your state. I say this out of concern for you. 

People pull together and get kids where they need to be. I know you might hate to lean on that, but parents pull together and cover each other. Hopefully you and your family have that type of emergency support. 

Matts3221

lastexitlondon said:

To be honest im still doing all the school lifts and  that is all i can manage.  I will try meds again out of sheer desparacy . I will end up in patient in the end i guess. Its not really my choice.  The drs have to send me and they won't.  If i go to hospital it has to be when suicidal then they will assess me. Dont get me wrong i want to be better. I want to have a chance. But my symptoms are unbearable. 24/7.
I try and say my dr has 35 years  experience  and he is certain its not that disease i say it is. So i must trust him. But can't  trust anyone over myself and my inner voice and feelings.

At this point I have to agree with others , I do think your only choice right now is to be In Patient. Although you are still giving drives to your kids , this can be worked out somehow it is for your health. I think that you posting on here is something that shows you want help badly. I got very worried reading some of your messages you left the past few days. You sound like you do seriously need the help.

Although it may not be what you want if it is a step to get better than it is a step worth taken , a step for your kids and family. Don't give up , keep fighting the good fight and get the help you need.

With lots of love being sent your way to you and your family

HughFreakingDillon

Thoughts_Arrive said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

Matts3221 said:

PJ_Soul said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

I understand she has a boyfriend but at least a simple greeting wouldn't hurt. Maybe as said above she was in her own world.
Later in the day after posting the above, I was sitting on the floor outside the classroom where my tutorial was going to be and talking with a guy I know from the previous course I was enrolled in. When the tutorial finished she walked out and noticed me and and smiled and I waved hello and that was that. No, I wasn't stalking her, her tutorial is before mine and I was waiting.
I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Everyone in my circle is in love but me. I feel so alone and terrified I will never find someone. No antidepressant will fix that.

the problem I see here is that you don't allow others to be in their own world. who knows what was going on in her head when she walked passed you. people deal with their own shit, and can't always be concerned or notice absolutely every other person they know. sometimes it's just too hard. there are an infinite number of reasons she may have not said hi. 

also, why didn't YOU say hi?

I agree with all of this.

I also think that this woman with the serious boyfriend isn't up for grabs anyway, and that there is no reason for you to be sweating something so much when all it is and all it can be is a casual friendship at most.

I agree with both of the above. Thoughts_Arrived if you don't mind me asking how old are you? I think that too much is placed on humans that you need to have a partner at a certain age or need to be in love or need to have a certain job.

When really every human is so different, I had no serious girlfriend from 19-32 , just hung out with my friends , honestly did not want to be in a relationship and even when I was I would self sabotage it with my fears , worries or depression. I would project what I was feeling the other person was thinking on them. So in my mind I would assume someone was upset with me , I would then be upset with them and not even ask what was going on.

I  believe one cannot truly love until you love yourself for who you are. It took me over 10 years to realize that I loved myself for who I was , all my flaws , all my issues , my happiness my sadness it is what makes me who I am for better or worst.

I am not trying to make you feel bad at all because this is a safe space but it feels like you are putting a lot on you have to meet someone , you have to be with someone now and if you are not then you will be alone forever. That can sometimes create some desperation and I can tell you that those who do love themselves can smell that desperation a mile away. Try to take it day by day , don't think that just because someone does not say hello it is a slight to you , they could have found out someone in their family has a serious illness or they could also be depressed or have anxiety and think you are not saying hi to them.

Just take it day by day , you will get there. If everyday you are looking to fall in love it is really not going to happen , just take a deep breath , when you feel slighted don't bury the emotions you have. Let them fester for five mins or so and then move on from there.

Thanks for the words.

I'm 35.

My parents are unhappy that I have not married and had kids.

learn to live your own life and stop giving two fucking shits what anyone else thinks. parents, friends, relatives, profs, you name it. they aren't you, so they can't judge SHIT. my sister has been trying her whole life to "make me better". i was never good enough the way i was. i told her one day, well, several times, over the years, to back the fuck up and fuck the hell off. and look at her now: she had a shit marriage and her husband fucking died of alcoholism. 

see, most people who try to improve others are just sad about their own shitty lives and can't bear to deal with it, so they try to prop themselves up by 'teaching' others how they should be. it's text book unhappiness projection. or narcissism. either way, it's toxic as fuck and you need to rid yourself of it. 

you keep making excuses why you don't move out. school, no money, whatever it is. people do it. you can do it. your life will continue to suck as long as you stay under that roof. 

happiness does not come from satisfying others alone. i love making people happy. but i wouldn't be able to if i wasn't happy myself. 

it's so frustrating to sit here and see you complain over and over again what other people think of you. WHO CARES. seriously, WHO FUCKING CARES. as i said before, you need to take the bull by the horns and talk to people. initiate initiate initiate. if people don't reciprocate, then accept it and move on. don't watch someone walk by and then wonder to yourself why they didn't open up their life to you. you are responsible for how your day goes. if they don't say hi. you say hi. very simple. do you think any one of us have been accepted as 'awesome' by every person we've ever met? fuck no. i'm sure there are people that don't care for me, don't like me, even fucking hate me. guess what. i don't know because i don't give a shit. hang out and commiserate with people i know like me, and i like them. the rest of them, there's fucking 7 billion of em. all i do is try to be nice and respectful to everyone, friend or stranger, and the rest takes care of itself. 

pick up that guitar. force yourself. write a song. do something for yourself that makes you proud of yourself or at least satisfies you once a day. 

take a walk. 
go walk a dog at a shelter. 
go get a record or a cd at a used shop and put it on and get lost in it. 
go to a movie alone. 

i learned to relish, even love, being alone after my first long term relationship ended. those two years were amazing. only then, when i was happy with myself, did things start coming together. people seemed to gravitate towards me and want to hang out. because i was happy with myself, fun to be with, and it didn't matter that i was 27, working two dead end part time jobs 60 hours a week. living with a male room mate who looked like drew carey with no front teeth. i was on my own, without the witch that was dragging me down, and it was great. my parents were happy that i was happy. 

you gotta walk your own walk man. no one's going to walk it for you. and waiting for people to come around just won't work. it won't happen. not until you work on yourself first. 

Thanks for that.
And sorry.

I'm confused as to why you keep apologizing.....

PJ_Soul

lastexitlondon said:

Sadly no good m. Its all too much. 
Mickey i tried  to read it but straight  away saw the illness that im scared of and couldn't  not read any further. I cant even see the word. Not your fault mine. I cant even  see the  word.

Please go to the hospital and check yourself into the Psych Ward. I you don't feel you're worth that, then please at least remember that your family is. And NO circumstance in your life or family right now is more important than you going to the hospital and saving your life. As everyone else has already said, in-patient care is the clear next step. It really might be the one thing that helps you right now.

Thoughts_Arrive

I agree with all the above.

I would strongly recommend in patient care as it is at a crisis point and your kids need their dad in good health.

Thoughts_Arrive

HughFreakingDillon said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

Matts3221 said:

PJ_Soul said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

I understand she has a boyfriend but at least a simple greeting wouldn't hurt. Maybe as said above she was in her own world.
Later in the day after posting the above, I was sitting on the floor outside the classroom where my tutorial was going to be and talking with a guy I know from the previous course I was enrolled in. When the tutorial finished she walked out and noticed me and and smiled and I waved hello and that was that. No, I wasn't stalking her, her tutorial is before mine and I was waiting.
I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Everyone in my circle is in love but me. I feel so alone and terrified I will never find someone. No antidepressant will fix that.

the problem I see here is that you don't allow others to be in their own world. who knows what was going on in her head when she walked passed you. people deal with their own shit, and can't always be concerned or notice absolutely every other person they know. sometimes it's just too hard. there are an infinite number of reasons she may have not said hi. 

also, why didn't YOU say hi?

I agree with all of this.

I also think that this woman with the serious boyfriend isn't up for grabs anyway, and that there is no reason for you to be sweating something so much when all it is and all it can be is a casual friendship at most.

I agree with both of the above. Thoughts_Arrived if you don't mind me asking how old are you? I think that too much is placed on humans that you need to have a partner at a certain age or need to be in love or need to have a certain job.

When really every human is so different, I had no serious girlfriend from 19-32 , just hung out with my friends , honestly did not want to be in a relationship and even when I was I would self sabotage it with my fears , worries or depression. I would project what I was feeling the other person was thinking on them. So in my mind I would assume someone was upset with me , I would then be upset with them and not even ask what was going on.

I  believe one cannot truly love until you love yourself for who you are. It took me over 10 years to realize that I loved myself for who I was , all my flaws , all my issues , my happiness my sadness it is what makes me who I am for better or worst.

I am not trying to make you feel bad at all because this is a safe space but it feels like you are putting a lot on you have to meet someone , you have to be with someone now and if you are not then you will be alone forever. That can sometimes create some desperation and I can tell you that those who do love themselves can smell that desperation a mile away. Try to take it day by day , don't think that just because someone does not say hello it is a slight to you , they could have found out someone in their family has a serious illness or they could also be depressed or have anxiety and think you are not saying hi to them.

Just take it day by day , you will get there. If everyday you are looking to fall in love it is really not going to happen , just take a deep breath , when you feel slighted don't bury the emotions you have. Let them fester for five mins or so and then move on from there.

Thanks for the words.

I'm 35.

My parents are unhappy that I have not married and had kids.

learn to live your own life and stop giving two fucking shits what anyone else thinks. parents, friends, relatives, profs, you name it. they aren't you, so they can't judge SHIT. my sister has been trying her whole life to "make me better". i was never good enough the way i was. i told her one day, well, several times, over the years, to back the fuck up and fuck the hell off. and look at her now: she had a shit marriage and her husband fucking died of alcoholism. 

see, most people who try to improve others are just sad about their own shitty lives and can't bear to deal with it, so they try to prop themselves up by 'teaching' others how they should be. it's text book unhappiness projection. or narcissism. either way, it's toxic as fuck and you need to rid yourself of it. 

you keep making excuses why you don't move out. school, no money, whatever it is. people do it. you can do it. your life will continue to suck as long as you stay under that roof. 

happiness does not come from satisfying others alone. i love making people happy. but i wouldn't be able to if i wasn't happy myself. 

it's so frustrating to sit here and see you complain over and over again what other people think of you. WHO CARES. seriously, WHO FUCKING CARES. as i said before, you need to take the bull by the horns and talk to people. initiate initiate initiate. if people don't reciprocate, then accept it and move on. don't watch someone walk by and then wonder to yourself why they didn't open up their life to you. you are responsible for how your day goes. if they don't say hi. you say hi. very simple. do you think any one of us have been accepted as 'awesome' by every person we've ever met? fuck no. i'm sure there are people that don't care for me, don't like me, even fucking hate me. guess what. i don't know because i don't give a shit. hang out and commiserate with people i know like me, and i like them. the rest of them, there's fucking 7 billion of em. all i do is try to be nice and respectful to everyone, friend or stranger, and the rest takes care of itself. 

pick up that guitar. force yourself. write a song. do something for yourself that makes you proud of yourself or at least satisfies you once a day. 

take a walk. 
go walk a dog at a shelter. 
go get a record or a cd at a used shop and put it on and get lost in it. 
go to a movie alone. 

i learned to relish, even love, being alone after my first long term relationship ended. those two years were amazing. only then, when i was happy with myself, did things start coming together. people seemed to gravitate towards me and want to hang out. because i was happy with myself, fun to be with, and it didn't matter that i was 27, working two dead end part time jobs 60 hours a week. living with a male room mate who looked like drew carey with no front teeth. i was on my own, without the witch that was dragging me down, and it was great. my parents were happy that i was happy. 

you gotta walk your own walk man. no one's going to walk it for you. and waiting for people to come around just won't work. it won't happen. not until you work on yourself first. 

Thanks for that.
And sorry.

I'm confused as to why you keep apologizing.....

Because I am a pain in the ass.

deadendp

Thoughts_Arrive said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

Matts3221 said:

PJ_Soul said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

I understand she has a boyfriend but at least a simple greeting wouldn't hurt. Maybe as said above she was in her own world.
Later in the day after posting the above, I was sitting on the floor outside the classroom where my tutorial was going to be and talking with a guy I know from the previous course I was enrolled in. When the tutorial finished she walked out and noticed me and and smiled and I waved hello and that was that. No, I wasn't stalking her, her tutorial is before mine and I was waiting.
I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Everyone in my circle is in love but me. I feel so alone and terrified I will never find someone. No antidepressant will fix that.

the problem I see here is that you don't allow others to be in their own world. who knows what was going on in her head when she walked passed you. people deal with their own shit, and can't always be concerned or notice absolutely every other person they know. sometimes it's just too hard. there are an infinite number of reasons she may have not said hi. 

also, why didn't YOU say hi?

I agree with all of this.

I also think that this woman with the serious boyfriend isn't up for grabs anyway, and that there is no reason for you to be sweating something so much when all it is and all it can be is a casual friendship at most.

I agree with both of the above. Thoughts_Arrived if you don't mind me asking how old are you? I think that too much is placed on humans that you need to have a partner at a certain age or need to be in love or need to have a certain job.

When really every human is so different, I had no serious girlfriend from 19-32 , just hung out with my friends , honestly did not want to be in a relationship and even when I was I would self sabotage it with my fears , worries or depression. I would project what I was feeling the other person was thinking on them. So in my mind I would assume someone was upset with me , I would then be upset with them and not even ask what was going on.

I  believe one cannot truly love until you love yourself for who you are. It took me over 10 years to realize that I loved myself for who I was , all my flaws , all my issues , my happiness my sadness it is what makes me who I am for better or worst.

I am not trying to make you feel bad at all because this is a safe space but it feels like you are putting a lot on you have to meet someone , you have to be with someone now and if you are not then you will be alone forever. That can sometimes create some desperation and I can tell you that those who do love themselves can smell that desperation a mile away. Try to take it day by day , don't think that just because someone does not say hello it is a slight to you , they could have found out someone in their family has a serious illness or they could also be depressed or have anxiety and think you are not saying hi to them.

Just take it day by day , you will get there. If everyday you are looking to fall in love it is really not going to happen , just take a deep breath , when you feel slighted don't bury the emotions you have. Let them fester for five mins or so and then move on from there.

Thanks for the words.

I'm 35.

My parents are unhappy that I have not married and had kids.

learn to live your own life and stop giving two fucking shits what anyone else thinks. parents, friends, relatives, profs, you name it. they aren't you, so they can't judge SHIT. my sister has been trying her whole life to "make me better". i was never good enough the way i was. i told her one day, well, several times, over the years, to back the fuck up and fuck the hell off. and look at her now: she had a shit marriage and her husband fucking died of alcoholism. 

see, most people who try to improve others are just sad about their own shitty lives and can't bear to deal with it, so they try to prop themselves up by 'teaching' others how they should be. it's text book unhappiness projection. or narcissism. either way, it's toxic as fuck and you need to rid yourself of it. 

you keep making excuses why you don't move out. school, no money, whatever it is. people do it. you can do it. your life will continue to suck as long as you stay under that roof. 

happiness does not come from satisfying others alone. i love making people happy. but i wouldn't be able to if i wasn't happy myself. 

it's so frustrating to sit here and see you complain over and over again what other people think of you. WHO CARES. seriously, WHO FUCKING CARES. as i said before, you need to take the bull by the horns and talk to people. initiate initiate initiate. if people don't reciprocate, then accept it and move on. don't watch someone walk by and then wonder to yourself why they didn't open up their life to you. you are responsible for how your day goes. if they don't say hi. you say hi. very simple. do you think any one of us have been accepted as 'awesome' by every person we've ever met? fuck no. i'm sure there are people that don't care for me, don't like me, even fucking hate me. guess what. i don't know because i don't give a shit. hang out and commiserate with people i know like me, and i like them. the rest of them, there's fucking 7 billion of em. all i do is try to be nice and respectful to everyone, friend or stranger, and the rest takes care of itself. 

pick up that guitar. force yourself. write a song. do something for yourself that makes you proud of yourself or at least satisfies you once a day. 

take a walk. 
go walk a dog at a shelter. 
go get a record or a cd at a used shop and put it on and get lost in it. 
go to a movie alone. 

i learned to relish, even love, being alone after my first long term relationship ended. those two years were amazing. only then, when i was happy with myself, did things start coming together. people seemed to gravitate towards me and want to hang out. because i was happy with myself, fun to be with, and it didn't matter that i was 27, working two dead end part time jobs 60 hours a week. living with a male room mate who looked like drew carey with no front teeth. i was on my own, without the witch that was dragging me down, and it was great. my parents were happy that i was happy. 

you gotta walk your own walk man. no one's going to walk it for you. and waiting for people to come around just won't work. it won't happen. not until you work on yourself first. 

Thanks for that.
And sorry.

I'm confused as to why you keep apologizing.....

Because I am a pain in the ass.

My guess is that, like me, you are a middle child. We are over apologizers.   

Thoughts_Arrive

deadendp said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

Matts3221 said:

PJ_Soul said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

I understand she has a boyfriend but at least a simple greeting wouldn't hurt. Maybe as said above she was in her own world.
Later in the day after posting the above, I was sitting on the floor outside the classroom where my tutorial was going to be and talking with a guy I know from the previous course I was enrolled in. When the tutorial finished she walked out and noticed me and and smiled and I waved hello and that was that. No, I wasn't stalking her, her tutorial is before mine and I was waiting.
I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Everyone in my circle is in love but me. I feel so alone and terrified I will never find someone. No antidepressant will fix that.

the problem I see here is that you don't allow others to be in their own world. who knows what was going on in her head when she walked passed you. people deal with their own shit, and can't always be concerned or notice absolutely every other person they know. sometimes it's just too hard. there are an infinite number of reasons she may have not said hi. 

also, why didn't YOU say hi?

I agree with all of this.

I also think that this woman with the serious boyfriend isn't up for grabs anyway, and that there is no reason for you to be sweating something so much when all it is and all it can be is a casual friendship at most.

I agree with both of the above. Thoughts_Arrived if you don't mind me asking how old are you? I think that too much is placed on humans that you need to have a partner at a certain age or need to be in love or need to have a certain job.

When really every human is so different, I had no serious girlfriend from 19-32 , just hung out with my friends , honestly did not want to be in a relationship and even when I was I would self sabotage it with my fears , worries or depression. I would project what I was feeling the other person was thinking on them. So in my mind I would assume someone was upset with me , I would then be upset with them and not even ask what was going on.

I  believe one cannot truly love until you love yourself for who you are. It took me over 10 years to realize that I loved myself for who I was , all my flaws , all my issues , my happiness my sadness it is what makes me who I am for better or worst.

I am not trying to make you feel bad at all because this is a safe space but it feels like you are putting a lot on you have to meet someone , you have to be with someone now and if you are not then you will be alone forever. That can sometimes create some desperation and I can tell you that those who do love themselves can smell that desperation a mile away. Try to take it day by day , don't think that just because someone does not say hello it is a slight to you , they could have found out someone in their family has a serious illness or they could also be depressed or have anxiety and think you are not saying hi to them.

Just take it day by day , you will get there. If everyday you are looking to fall in love it is really not going to happen , just take a deep breath , when you feel slighted don't bury the emotions you have. Let them fester for five mins or so and then move on from there.

Thanks for the words.

I'm 35.

My parents are unhappy that I have not married and had kids.

learn to live your own life and stop giving two fucking shits what anyone else thinks. parents, friends, relatives, profs, you name it. they aren't you, so they can't judge SHIT. my sister has been trying her whole life to "make me better". i was never good enough the way i was. i told her one day, well, several times, over the years, to back the fuck up and fuck the hell off. and look at her now: she had a shit marriage and her husband fucking died of alcoholism. 

see, most people who try to improve others are just sad about their own shitty lives and can't bear to deal with it, so they try to prop themselves up by 'teaching' others how they should be. it's text book unhappiness projection. or narcissism. either way, it's toxic as fuck and you need to rid yourself of it. 

you keep making excuses why you don't move out. school, no money, whatever it is. people do it. you can do it. your life will continue to suck as long as you stay under that roof. 

happiness does not come from satisfying others alone. i love making people happy. but i wouldn't be able to if i wasn't happy myself. 

it's so frustrating to sit here and see you complain over and over again what other people think of you. WHO CARES. seriously, WHO FUCKING CARES. as i said before, you need to take the bull by the horns and talk to people. initiate initiate initiate. if people don't reciprocate, then accept it and move on. don't watch someone walk by and then wonder to yourself why they didn't open up their life to you. you are responsible for how your day goes. if they don't say hi. you say hi. very simple. do you think any one of us have been accepted as 'awesome' by every person we've ever met? fuck no. i'm sure there are people that don't care for me, don't like me, even fucking hate me. guess what. i don't know because i don't give a shit. hang out and commiserate with people i know like me, and i like them. the rest of them, there's fucking 7 billion of em. all i do is try to be nice and respectful to everyone, friend or stranger, and the rest takes care of itself. 

pick up that guitar. force yourself. write a song. do something for yourself that makes you proud of yourself or at least satisfies you once a day. 

take a walk. 
go walk a dog at a shelter. 
go get a record or a cd at a used shop and put it on and get lost in it. 
go to a movie alone. 

i learned to relish, even love, being alone after my first long term relationship ended. those two years were amazing. only then, when i was happy with myself, did things start coming together. people seemed to gravitate towards me and want to hang out. because i was happy with myself, fun to be with, and it didn't matter that i was 27, working two dead end part time jobs 60 hours a week. living with a male room mate who looked like drew carey with no front teeth. i was on my own, without the witch that was dragging me down, and it was great. my parents were happy that i was happy. 

you gotta walk your own walk man. no one's going to walk it for you. and waiting for people to come around just won't work. it won't happen. not until you work on yourself first. 

Thanks for that.
And sorry.

I'm confused as to why you keep apologizing.....

Because I am a pain in the ass.

My guess is that, like me, you are a middle child. We are over apologizers.   

Nope. The youngest of 3.

deadendp

Thoughts_Arrive said:

deadendp said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

Matts3221 said:

PJ_Soul said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

I understand she has a boyfriend but at least a simple greeting wouldn't hurt. Maybe as said above she was in her own world.
Later in the day after posting the above, I was sitting on the floor outside the classroom where my tutorial was going to be and talking with a guy I know from the previous course I was enrolled in. When the tutorial finished she walked out and noticed me and and smiled and I waved hello and that was that. No, I wasn't stalking her, her tutorial is before mine and I was waiting.
I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Everyone in my circle is in love but me. I feel so alone and terrified I will never find someone. No antidepressant will fix that.

the problem I see here is that you don't allow others to be in their own world. who knows what was going on in her head when she walked passed you. people deal with their own shit, and can't always be concerned or notice absolutely every other person they know. sometimes it's just too hard. there are an infinite number of reasons she may have not said hi. 

also, why didn't YOU say hi?

I agree with all of this.

I also think that this woman with the serious boyfriend isn't up for grabs anyway, and that there is no reason for you to be sweating something so much when all it is and all it can be is a casual friendship at most.

I agree with both of the above. Thoughts_Arrived if you don't mind me asking how old are you? I think that too much is placed on humans that you need to have a partner at a certain age or need to be in love or need to have a certain job.

When really every human is so different, I had no serious girlfriend from 19-32 , just hung out with my friends , honestly did not want to be in a relationship and even when I was I would self sabotage it with my fears , worries or depression. I would project what I was feeling the other person was thinking on them. So in my mind I would assume someone was upset with me , I would then be upset with them and not even ask what was going on.

I  believe one cannot truly love until you love yourself for who you are. It took me over 10 years to realize that I loved myself for who I was , all my flaws , all my issues , my happiness my sadness it is what makes me who I am for better or worst.

I am not trying to make you feel bad at all because this is a safe space but it feels like you are putting a lot on you have to meet someone , you have to be with someone now and if you are not then you will be alone forever. That can sometimes create some desperation and I can tell you that those who do love themselves can smell that desperation a mile away. Try to take it day by day , don't think that just because someone does not say hello it is a slight to you , they could have found out someone in their family has a serious illness or they could also be depressed or have anxiety and think you are not saying hi to them.

Just take it day by day , you will get there. If everyday you are looking to fall in love it is really not going to happen , just take a deep breath , when you feel slighted don't bury the emotions you have. Let them fester for five mins or so and then move on from there.

Thanks for the words.

I'm 35.

My parents are unhappy that I have not married and had kids.

learn to live your own life and stop giving two fucking shits what anyone else thinks. parents, friends, relatives, profs, you name it. they aren't you, so they can't judge SHIT. my sister has been trying her whole life to "make me better". i was never good enough the way i was. i told her one day, well, several times, over the years, to back the fuck up and fuck the hell off. and look at her now: she had a shit marriage and her husband fucking died of alcoholism. 

see, most people who try to improve others are just sad about their own shitty lives and can't bear to deal with it, so they try to prop themselves up by 'teaching' others how they should be. it's text book unhappiness projection. or narcissism. either way, it's toxic as fuck and you need to rid yourself of it. 

you keep making excuses why you don't move out. school, no money, whatever it is. people do it. you can do it. your life will continue to suck as long as you stay under that roof. 

happiness does not come from satisfying others alone. i love making people happy. but i wouldn't be able to if i wasn't happy myself. 

it's so frustrating to sit here and see you complain over and over again what other people think of you. WHO CARES. seriously, WHO FUCKING CARES. as i said before, you need to take the bull by the horns and talk to people. initiate initiate initiate. if people don't reciprocate, then accept it and move on. don't watch someone walk by and then wonder to yourself why they didn't open up their life to you. you are responsible for how your day goes. if they don't say hi. you say hi. very simple. do you think any one of us have been accepted as 'awesome' by every person we've ever met? fuck no. i'm sure there are people that don't care for me, don't like me, even fucking hate me. guess what. i don't know because i don't give a shit. hang out and commiserate with people i know like me, and i like them. the rest of them, there's fucking 7 billion of em. all i do is try to be nice and respectful to everyone, friend or stranger, and the rest takes care of itself. 

pick up that guitar. force yourself. write a song. do something for yourself that makes you proud of yourself or at least satisfies you once a day. 

take a walk. 
go walk a dog at a shelter. 
go get a record or a cd at a used shop and put it on and get lost in it. 
go to a movie alone. 

i learned to relish, even love, being alone after my first long term relationship ended. those two years were amazing. only then, when i was happy with myself, did things start coming together. people seemed to gravitate towards me and want to hang out. because i was happy with myself, fun to be with, and it didn't matter that i was 27, working two dead end part time jobs 60 hours a week. living with a male room mate who looked like drew carey with no front teeth. i was on my own, without the witch that was dragging me down, and it was great. my parents were happy that i was happy. 

you gotta walk your own walk man. no one's going to walk it for you. and waiting for people to come around just won't work. it won't happen. not until you work on yourself first. 

Thanks for that.
And sorry.

I'm confused as to why you keep apologizing.....

Because I am a pain in the ass.

My guess is that, like me, you are a middle child. We are over apologizers.   

Nope. The youngest of 3.

Well then stop all the apologizing! You are going to leave us middle children with nothing to do!

njnancy

Matts3221 said:

lastexitlondon said:

To be honest im still doing all the school lifts and  that is all i can manage.  I will try meds again out of sheer desparacy . I will end up in patient in the end i guess. Its not really my choice.  The drs have to send me and they won't.  If i go to hospital it has to be when suicidal then they will assess me. Dont get me wrong i want to be better. I want to have a chance. But my symptoms are unbearable. 24/7.
I try and say my dr has 35 years  experience  and he is certain its not that disease i say it is. So i must trust him. But can't  trust anyone over myself and my inner voice and feelings.

At this point I have to agree with others , I do think your only choice right now is to be In Patient. Although you are still giving drives to your kids , this can be worked out somehow it is for your health. I think that you posting on here is something that shows you want help badly. I got very worried reading some of your messages you left the past few days. You sound like you do seriously need the help.

Although it may not be what you want if it is a step to get better than it is a step worth taken , a step for your kids and family. Don't give up , keep fighting the good fight and get the help you need.

With lots of love being sent your way to you and your family

Rob, you know that I have been through the same crisis that you are experiencing now. I wrote this weeks ago,  you are having a nervous breakdown  & drinking isn't working anymore,  it's not calming the dread &feeling of hopelessness. 

I know you don't want to end it because you are reaching out & saying it here.  People who  really want to kill themselves don't say a word & act like things are fine once they've made up their minds. 

You don't want to die.  You want to stop this unbearable anguish & you can't. I understand. I have been there so many times,  dead inside except for fear & self loathing. I don't know what you think you have,  but you are really not the best person to be making a diagnosis right now. 

Go to the ER & tell them you
are scared you will hurt yourself,  that gets you into the pysch ward.  If they want to send you home at any point, cry, beg to see a psychiatrist. Don't leave. 

 Don't tell them what you think you have or what they should do to help you. Be real, drop the excuses, stop minimizing things.


Continuing to ignore how badly you need to be in a psychiatric hospital is hurting your children  your wife,  friends,  family,  work. You will lose them all, & maybe yourself if you don't get your ass to the hospital NOW.


I can't do anything else to help,  you have to break out  of  your comfort zone & get help. 

Please, Rob.

lastexitlondon

I understand. I am a passenger atm. Cant type anymore.

Thoughts_Arrive

Hey Rob, how are you going?
Have you tried to admit yourself to a clinic or book an appointment with a psychologist specialising in health anxiety? 

lastexitlondon

There isnt a clinic i can admit to. 
I havent left  my bed. 
Ive had 2 sober days  not that i drink volumes but most days something and im worse(i cant physically  get up )
My appointment  is thurs.
I don't  want to keep posting the same stuff so i must refrain im waiting.
I took a sleeping pill only lasted  4 hours.
I have a feeling  everyone around me has had enough of me.

JPPJ84

lastexitlondon said:

There isnt a clinic i can admit to. 
I havent left  my bed. 
Ive had 2 sober days  not that i drink volumes but most days something and im worse(i cant physically  get up )
My appointment  is thurs.
I don't  want to keep posting the same stuff so i must refrain im waiting.
I took a sleeping pill only lasted  4 hours.
I have a feeling  everyone around me has had enough of me.

You’re in London, Rob, not Timbuktu! There’s got to be clinics!

Thoughts_Arrive

lastexitlondon said:

There isnt a clinic i can admit to. 
I havent left  my bed. 
Ive had 2 sober days  not that i drink volumes but most days something and im worse(i cant physically  get up )
My appointment  is thurs.
I don't  want to keep posting the same stuff so i must refrain im waiting.
I took a sleeping pill only lasted  4 hours.
I have a feeling  everyone around me has had enough of me.

Have you tried those psychologists I linked you to?
Are the clinics all booked out or they won't admit you?
Noone has had enough of you, don't let your mind trick you.

lastexitlondon

All of this requires  money. Im on benefit and have to wait  for nhs. The same mental health people that keep turning me away. Honestly im not  putting anything off at all.
I live on benefit  all those  options require money

lastexitlondon

Everyone has had enough. I cant. Not won't! 
Its a big difference make myself believe  otherwise.
Im now like nancy said making loved ones  and close people frustrated. I get  it and what that does is make me isolated and guilty.  3 days sober now and im lost as fuck. Haven't  left my room. Im 44 so i should be able to look after myself but no.
Its all too embarrassing  and  lonely. 
Im gonna hold back from going over and over same old shit . I am sorry and i am bored of myself. I am  making every step possible  . But i am getting nowhere. So please don't  think im not  helping myself or doing  nothing

Thoughts_Arrive

Sorry to hear man, it's unaffordable for me too, lucky I can get bulk-billed (covered by Medicare) for the psychologist I am seeing and psychiatrist I am booked in to see next month. It's just so ridiculous, mental health should not be unaffordable.
How long do you have to wait for NHS? Have they given you a timeframe?
Sorry if I came across as pushy with regards to booking to see a psychologist. I really want you to get help asap.
Don't beat yourself up over 'should be's'. You are human and are unwell right now. 
Please do not feel embarrassed. You are not alone, me and others here are there for you.

lastexitlondon

Tomorrow i see a mental  health professional  for 40mins. Then i dont know. I really just  type here to say it to someone or it all eats me up. As you know.  I do not use any other place or internet. I cant even click on links because i did the other day amd it fucks  me up seeing words  im scared of. 

Thoughts_Arrive

That is why this thread exists, let it all out here man.
I hope tomorrow goes well with the mental health professional. 

HughFreakingDillon

in canada if you walked into an ER and told them you are suicidal, money wouldn't be an issue. my apologies if I can't recall Rob, have you gone that route?

lastexitlondon

No i havent  gone to a and e yet.  I will when i am

West Coast Dreamgirl

I'd like to recommend listening to the Power of Now Eckhart Tolle meditations on you tube for people with a lot of negative internal dialogue. It really helps, there are books, you tube videos, downloadable PDF's, etc.  

However, looking at the tone of the most recent conversation on this thread, I would also like to add if your mental health problems are extremely severe and your suffering is beyond listening to meditations and learning new self help techniques, please do seek professional help via your GP or A&E.

Matts3221

Lastexitlondon

I do apologize if for any reason you felt like we were all piling up on you to get help. Truly only because we care. When you speak to your mental health appointment , I would  say you cannot get out of bed and you feel like you are going to hurt yourself. This should get you admitted.

Please know you can say anything you want over and over and over again , never apologize , never feel bad this is a safe place for humans to share and that is all you are doing. You are not bringing anyone down , or boring anyone or whatever you may think you are doing to bother us.

I wish I lived in London or could just come to your house , honestly if having someone there could help I would be there in a heart beat. In the meantime post ever hour if you want , if it helps do it.

With love  

hedonist

Matts3221 said:

Lastexitlondon

I do apologize if for any reason you felt like we were all piling up on you to get help. Truly only because we care. When you speak to your mental health appointment , I would  say you cannot get out of bed and you feel like you are going to hurt yourself. This should get you admitted.

Please know you can say anything you want over and over and over again , never apologize , never feel bad this is a safe place for humans to share and that is all you are doing. You are not bringing anyone down , or boring anyone or whatever you may think you are doing to bother us.

I wish I lived in London or could just come to your house , honestly if having someone there could help I would be there in a heart beat. In the meantime post ever hour if you want , if it helps do it.

With love  

Yes.

For no one else, do this - for YOU.  It's needed.

deadendp

hedonist said:

Matts3221 said:

Lastexitlondon

I do apologize if for any reason you felt like we were all piling up on you to get help. Truly only because we care. When you speak to your mental health appointment , I would  say you cannot get out of bed and you feel like you are going to hurt yourself. This should get you admitted.

Please know you can say anything you want over and over and over again , never apologize , never feel bad this is a safe place for humans to share and that is all you are doing. You are not bringing anyone down , or boring anyone or whatever you may think you are doing to bother us.

I wish I lived in London or could just come to your house , honestly if having someone there could help I would be there in a heart beat. In the meantime post ever hour if you want , if it helps do it.

With love  

Yes.

For no one else, do this - for YOU.  It's needed.

Agreed. 

We're not picking on you, Rob. Not at all. It's love from a community. 

lastexitlondon

I feel the  love and i am forever  grateful .thanks all of you