So...my husband had an affair.

CHANGEinWAVES

iluvcats wrote:

you know, I knew another woman who did it with a married man, at work, in his car at the softball field.

she's living a miserable life too like the other one I know.

I think the focus shouldn't be on the woman, but more so on the husband.
sure the other girl did the wrong thing too, but he is Cinnamon's husband and the one who made his commitment to Cinnamon.

CHANGEinWAVES

iluvcats wrote:

CHANGEinWAVES wrote:

iluvcats wrote:

oh well, I guess I'm just old (the property remark)

I understand what you meant by it, but yes I guess the notion is not a great one to be considered someone's property.... because then wouldn't cinnamon be considered his property too.

regardless... I understand what you meant, and that you meant not bad terms with it.
you're an awesome lady Cats... always there for support!

thanks dear I guess if I were single, I just wouldn't want a married man because he's not available and he's not respecting his marriage vows. And then if the cheater is available after his divorce, how could the one he cheated with trust him if he wants to continue the "relationship?"

I just learned to never guess what you'd do in someone else's situation.... things that seem so obvious to you that you wouldn't do, sometimes change. My divorce has taught me a lot.

decides2dream

iluvcats wrote:

CHANGEinWAVES wrote:

iluvcats wrote:

oh well, I guess I'm just old (the property remark)

I understand what you meant by it, but yes I guess the notion is not a great one to be considered someone's property.... because then wouldn't cinnamon be considered his property too.

regardless... I understand what you meant, and that you meant not bad terms with it.
you're an awesome lady Cats... always there for support!

thanks dear I guess if I were single, I just wouldn't want a married man because he's not available and he's not respecting his marriage vows. And then if the cheater is available after his divorce, how could the one he cheated with trust him if he wants to continue the "relationship?"

i think something like 85% or an even higher # of men who cheat do NOT stay with the woman they cheated with. and this is not to say he dumped her, she may well have dumped him, etc. i don't know if they percentages are the same for married women who cheat, but i would imagine so. i don't think that most, male or female, who cheat...are looking for a new relationship...but more than likely, a way out of their current relationship, an excuse..or simply variety. as to the singles who go with marrieds....i would think many don't even know, especially if it's not a long-term relationship...and of those who do, again more than likely...not looking for a relationship...merely a fling. or sure, some people are delusional. :P


and....

CHANGESinWAVES wrote:

I think the focus shouldn't be on the woman, but more so on the husband.
sure the other girl did the wrong thing too, but he is Cinnamon's husband and the one who made his commitment to Cinnamon.

absolutely!
the only person 'responsible' is the person who is IN the commited relationship. i would harbor no 'blame' for anyone else.

Fighting Hellfish

Cinnamon Girl wrote:

[

I was afraid to post here cause of the shame, but I knew that this board is full of supportive people.

Your words are really healing right now and it's so nice to relate to people.

Thanks.

there's certainly no shame on your part, or at least there shouldnt be.

CHANGEinWAVES

decides2dream wrote:

i don't think that most, male or female, who cheat...are looking for a new relationship...but more than likely, a way out of their current relationship, an excuse..or simply variety.

From everything I've learned I think this is true... it's easier to be hated and end a marriage than it is to just leave.

Cinnamon Girl

I put no blame on the other woman, no matter how much i would have liked to. Her issues aren't my problem. In a sick way, I'm grateful that she has come into our lives and broken this facade. I hope she goes in the right direction from here.


ps...she's a dirty slut!....j/k ugh..... :oops:

Cinnamon Girl

CHANGEinWAVES wrote:

decides2dream wrote:

i don't think that most, male or female, who cheat...are looking for a new relationship...but more than likely, a way out of their current relationship, an excuse..or simply variety.

From everything I've learned I think this is true... it's easier to be hated and end a marriage than it is to just leave.

Agreed. I think this is the case for us. But then I wonder why he tried so hard to hide it.

iluvcats

I guess I started posting about other women b/c she said she is pretty.

I'm sorry Cinnamon if I got off track, I hope you are ok. I had a terrible first marriage, my husband loved Budweiser more than he loved me. He hung out with other women (if you want to call them that) in bars, I never caught him cheating but I suspected it (since he came home in the a.m. drunk.)

CHANGEinWAVES

Cinnamon Girl wrote:

ps...she's a dirty slut!....j/k ugh..... :oops:

LOL!!
you can have your feeling for her... and I'm sure you do, but when it comes to "blame" I think you know where to place it.

decides2dream

CHANGEinWAVES wrote:

decides2dream wrote:

i don't think that most, male or female, who cheat...are looking for a new relationship...but more than likely, a way out of their current relationship, an excuse..or simply variety.

From everything I've learned I think this is true... it's easier to be hated and end a marriage than it is to just leave.

i don't have first-hand experience, but i know many who do. and i don't even think it's necessarily needed to be *hated*...just that it is something definitive, an act, an event.....something to set it in motion. i am of course not referencing ANYone's marriage here...but it just seems that usually, the marriage was already in trouble...and many times the couple knew, but were still going forward, not facing their issues, etc.....and so an affair is almost like a difnitive statement, it's done...or even just to feel attracted/attractive to someone else, 'test the waters' so to speak. i know a few couples with affair issues...some stuck it out and happier than ever, others divorced, and in both instnaces, while sure...some were lokking to hurt their spouse, more often, they weren't...they were just being selfish working out their own shit, even if badly. but sure, on some level, i think it may be *easier* for lack of a better term, for a couple to call it off after an affair, rather than just call it off for irreconcilable differences.

Cinnamon Girl

iluvcats wrote:

I guess I started posting about other women b/c she said she is pretty.

I'm sorry Cinnamon if I got off track, I hope you are ok. I had a terrible first marriage, my husband loved Budweiser more than he loved me. He hung out with other women (if you want to call them that) in bars, I never caught him cheating but I suspected it (since he came home in the a.m. drunk.)

No no...you didn't get off track. These thoughts of hatred for what she represents are so strong...I just know that I don't have the capacity to spend my time or energy on that hatred....I can hardly get out of bed, you know.

I appreciate your support, truly.

CHANGEinWAVES

Cinnamon Girl wrote:

I just know that I don't have the capacity to spend my time or energy on that hatred....I can hardly get out of bed, you know.

this is the best thought for yourself. You need to focus on yourself and what you need out of life and the situation... and not focus on hatred for her or him even. The best thing I did was forgive (not forgotten or off the hook... but I forgave and "understood") I did it for myself not for them, because they were all I was thinking of instead of myself. All that's happened to you is shitty and wrong, but the best you can do is not let it completely destroy you. (i'm sure you won't you seem to have a hold on yourself the best that you can right now).

adropinthepark

So sorry Cinn.

Here's a good song for the ass: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pyxftLC7gew :twisted:

My friend had it on her Myspace for awhile and I fell in love with it. Wanted to send it to my dad, 'cause he's a lifelong womanizer, but I haven't felt confident that (at 64) he's mature enough to take it as a joke. Some people NEVER grow up.

I think moving back near your family is worth consideration. As much as your kids might like where they are at, they are young and kids are resilient. In the long run, they may appreciate being near family a whole lot more.

When I was a kid, we did a lot of moving around. Now, I enjoyed the excitement of journeying to each new place. However, I was super stoked when we finally moved back near the family and my FAVORITE cousins.

soulsinging

CHANGEinWAVES wrote:

Cinnamon Girl wrote:

I just know that I don't have the capacity to spend my time or energy on that hatred....I can hardly get out of bed, you know.

this is the best thought for yourself. You need to focus on yourself and what you need out of life and the situation... and not focus on hatred for her or him even. The best thing I did was forgive (not forgotten or off the hook... but I forgave and "understood") I did it for myself not for them, because they were all I was thinking of instead of myself. All that's happened to you is shitty and wrong, but the best you can do is not let it completely destroy you. (i'm sure you won't you seem to have a hold on yourself the best that you can right now).

This is good advice. You don't want to end up like me or this guy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LTnq268y2ms

I still keep hoping I'll find out the guy my ex left me for will give her a terrible STD someday. It's been a few years since we split... that's not healthy Don't go down that road!

LONGRD

Cinnamon Girl wrote:

pjhawks wrote:

just to bring some levity just think that now you will become the hot single mom of the neighborhood

Thanks....but I have never, in my life, felt less hot....and "single mother" isn't the sexiest tag. :oops:

I know that I can't sit around and feel sorry for myself. I just hope I can shake this feeling soon.

Being raise by a single mother myself I can tell you the only things she cared about were her 3 kids, we were everything to her. After my dad and step-dad, she pretty much lost faith in all men. LOL

Like everybody said, it's cliche but it's true...just strong for your kids and by the time they're my age they will look at you as the greatest mom in the world!

Stay strong and good luck!

FoxyMop

I'm so sorry Cinn... :(

First... though we haven't met, you come across as a really funny, articulate person, and by your photo you look young and gorgeous. Don't even compare yourself to the other woman. Remain confident in yourself, for your own sake and the sake of your children. A guy who cheats will cheat regardless if you look like Jennifer Anniston or whoever.

Second... I know it's hard to deal with, but I would focus as much as you can on your children for now. Consult their pediatrician on how best to explain it to them, and if it's possible, have BOTH of you there explaining that it is not their fault (though you may only need to do this with the 6 year old). Someone mentioned moving back to where you came from and having your family's support... I agree 100%.

He lied. He cheated. YOU are not at fault in this.

:hugs: You will get through this.

CHANGEinWAVES

Cinnamon Girl wrote:

CHANGEinWAVES wrote:

decides2dream wrote:

i don't think that most, male or female, who cheat...are looking for a new relationship...but more than likely, a way out of their current relationship, an excuse..or simply variety.

From everything I've learned I think this is true... it's easier to be hated and end a marriage than it is to just leave.

Agreed. I think this is the case for us. But then I wonder why he tried so hard to hide it.

I was talking to my ex yesterday about the debt, and there was a moment where he said
"it was then I knew we were in debt we couldn't get out of"... to which my reply was... "WTF why didn't you tell me then?! that was 5 years ago!" and his answer was "What, me admit I was wrong, I still can't do that"

For some it's hard to admit their marriage isn't working, and it's even harder to be the one who's going to end it. Possibly in their eyes it's "easier" to go down in flames. Kinda like jumping in head first instead of "testing the waters".

norm

i have nothing really to add except to say i'm sorry you're going through this..stay strong and positive

Cinnamon Girl

Thanks everyone.

Reading all these posts is helping to put everything in perspective. I know what needs to be done and I wish I could just throw these emotions out the window!

Last night when I was talking to...lets call him "Mr.HeadUpHisAss"...He said "I need this to be real...it's the only way I can fix this." I know I'm sharing a lot...but you guys (and the whiskey) make it easy.

Anyway, I think that was him asking me to really end this. I've tried to work through it so many times. I do believe that he wants to be a good person. And I honestly hope that he fixes his issues. It's hard for me to admit that this is the end....but it is....this is the end.

Geez...I have never been so publicly open in my life.

PS...Gone is a fabulous song right now (Thanks PJ)

DeLukin

And every time one of life's chapters ends another one starts so this could just be the beginning of the next act for you. I know when I've had problems I've always found solace in music. That line in Thumbing My Way about there being a springtime ahead comes to mind. Right now, it's probably hard to smile but it'll get better. You'll see!