So...my husband had an affair.

sweet adeline

worth looking into: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lorena_Bobbitt

NoCode_inMT

Cinnamon Girl wrote:

pjhawks wrote:

just to bring some levity just think that now you will become the hot single mom of the neighborhood

Thanks....but I have never, in my life, felt less hot....and "single mother" isn't the sexiest tag. :oops:

I know that I can't sit around and feel sorry for myself. I just hope I can shake this feeling soon.

Sorry about your situation Cinn...
Like someone else said- Emerse yourself in your kids.
I'm with a woman who never thought she'd be a 'MILF' after her divorce. She has three amazing kids. Single moms are awesome. There are a lot of people who were raised by them...
The main thing is to make sure the kids are alright.

Good Luck. Keep you head up...

justam

Cinnamon Girl wrote:

justam wrote:

Was it a mistake he made or is it an on-going situation?

I think if you have two young children, it might be worth talking about what it means in the long run before you decide to end your marriage.

he claims it's over...but I have little to no faith in that.

I agree about making it work. We have been trying for years. This is the first affair (that I know of) but there have been so many other lies and secrets.

Hmm... that does sound like something that won't really go away. UGH.

Try to work on the relationship while you are simultaneously getting yourself organized. That way you won't be left with two little children and no way to take care of them. It'll give you some time to find a job.

Cinnamon Girl

sweet adeline wrote:

worth looking into: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lorena_Bobbitt

hmmm.....tempting.

soulsinging

Cinnamon Girl wrote:

Well thanks...thats nice to hear.

I'm 28. We were married when I was 22 so I guess we're just coming up on 7 years. I've been with him since I was 13. Didn't sleep with him till I was 17. Sorry if it's too much information.

Agreed...lesson learned.

Our relationship has had ups and downs, but the continuous trend is the lying. He likes to have secrets. And he seems to feel little guilt until he's been caught.

I was afraid to post here cause of the shame, but I knew that this board is full of supportive people.

You're welcome, I hope I didn't offend you... I meant that comment as a compliment!

In any case your description of him reminds me of... well, me. I've often behaved that way in the past and while I've tried to be better about it, it still resurfaces. The fact is, there's nothing you can do about a guy like that. He just needs to grow up and it's clear he hasn't done that and he probably won't while he has you and thinks you'll accept him as he is. Like an adolescent, he feels entitled to whatever he wants and doesn't care how pursuing it affects those around him. In fact, I'm willing to bet that anytime you pushed on the secrets he turned it on you and tried to make you feel irrational or nagging for even wanting to know. Just don't buy it. You have nothing to be ashamed of and there's nothing you could have done to prevent it. He made the choices and he's the one that failed in the relationship. It doesn't mean he never loved you or that he's a monster, but it does mean that he's not the kind of guy you deserve or can depend upon in a committed relationship. Better to find that out sooner rather than later.

Brain of J.Lo

I'm very sorry this happened to you and your children. You shouldn't be embarrassed or ashamed of this.

He is the loser in this situation. Even though it might not feel like it right now, you will be better off, and he will be the one left with regrets. So take some solace in that. (Maybe that's not healthy, lol, but it is true and I know that would make me feel better if I were in this situation.)

In the meantime, hold your head up.

And do gross things to the food he eats.

AmentsChick

Cinnamon Girl wrote:

Our relationship has had ups and downs, but the continuous trend is the lying. He likes to have secrets. And he seems to feel little guilt until he's been caught.

http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html

CHANGEinWAVES

Cinnamon Girl wrote:

I'm 28. We were married when I was 22 so I guess we're just coming up on 7 years. I've been with him since I was 13. Didn't sleep with him till I was 17.
I was afraid to post here cause of the shame, but I knew that this board is full of supportive people.

Your words are really healing right now and it's so nice to relate to people.

Thanks.

Even the ages are similar for us. Yes this place is very supportive. Remember I'm here if you need to talk, or cry, or be pissed

Heineken Helen

wow don't feel shame... you've absolutely nothing to be ashamed of... that's one thing that's crystal clear ok?

Cinnamon Girl

Heineken Helen wrote:

wow don't feel shame... you've absolutely nothing to be ashamed of... that's one thing that's crystal clear ok?

Thanks...It's strange cause I know I shouldn't feel ashamed...I did nothing wrong. It's just embarrassing to admit that my husband wanted someone else.


I talked to my sister yesterday and I said "She's just so pretty..."
she said "Would it make it easier if she wasn't??"

I've been thinking about that and I guess no, it wouldn't be easier. It's just so hard not to blame yourself on some level.

iluvcats

I'm very sorry to read about what you and your children are going through.

She may be pretty, but we all grow old and gray.

Maybe, she will end up like the woman I know who knowingly dated (several) married men. She's old, ill, and alone -- and no longer pretty. As for dating (if you want to call it that) a married man, I could not imagine touching another woman's property like that. This says alot about what she's like on the inside.

CHANGEinWAVES

Cinnamon Girl wrote:

[

I talked to my sister yesterday and I said "She's just so pretty..."
she said "Would it make it easier if she wasn't??"

I'll tell you that I was in this position... the girl my husband went for was on the not so pretty side (as mean as that is to say)... It made me feel disgusting for him to chose her over me. But I think I would of felt that way either way, as I'm sure you would of too. It's not about the looks... some men just cheat, and some are looking for something, and some are done in their marriage long before they are ready to admit it to the wife. I don't know your husband and I'm just getting to know you so I can't tell you which it is for you... but you are beautiful and a Pj fan so there's nothing better than that!! oh and I'm sure you're a kick ass momma too!!

Cinnamon Girl

soulsinging wrote:

You're welcome, I hope I didn't offend you... I meant that comment as a compliment!

In any case your description of him reminds me of... well, me. I've often behaved that way in the past and while I've tried to be better about it, it still resurfaces. The fact is, there's nothing you can do about a guy like that. He just needs to grow up and it's clear he hasn't done that and he probably won't while he has you and thinks you'll accept him as he is. Like an adolescent, he feels entitled to whatever he wants and doesn't care how pursuing it affects those around him. In fact, I'm willing to bet that anytime you pushed on the secrets he turned it on you and tried to make you feel irrational or nagging for even wanting to know. Just don't buy it. You have nothing to be ashamed of and there's nothing you could have done to prevent it. He made the choices and he's the one that failed in the relationship. It doesn't mean he never loved you or that he's a monster, but it does mean that he's not the kind of guy you deserve or can depend upon in a committed relationship. Better to find that out sooner rather than later.

no, I wasn't offended at all. And YES to everything you wrote...you seem to understand my husband and the way he works.

Cinnamon Girl

CHANGEinWAVES wrote:

... but you are beautiful and a Pj fan so there's nothing better than that!! oh and I'm sure you're a kick ass momma too!!

soulsinging

iluvcats wrote:

As for dating (if you want to call it that) a married man, I could not imagine touching another woman's property like that. This says alot about what she's like on the inside.

I can only imagine the shit storm that would occur if some guy here posted about not pursuing a woman because she was some other guy's property

Cinnamon Girl wrote:

I talked to my sister yesterday and I said "She's just so pretty..."
she said "Would it make it easier if she wasn't??"

I've been thinking about that and I guess no, it wouldn't be easier. It's just so hard not to blame yourself on some level.

I don't think there's anything unnatural about that. When someone you love goes to someone else, it can't help but level your confidence.

The guy my ex left me for had martial arts and working out listed as his hobbies, he's in the kind of grad program I wanted before I ended up in law school, and he wants to be in the CIA. Looking at his picture, he doesn't look any better than me... honestly, he's kind of a goofier looking version of me (hard as that might be to imagine ). Nonetheless, I hear stuff like that and can't shake the thought that I got left for James Bond or Jason Bourne... some real life super spy action hero that I'll never be cool enough to compete with.

It's ridiculous when you think about it, but the feelings it inspires are perfectly legit. So don't tear yourself up about feeling that way, it's going to bother you. Just realize that doesn't make it true and do whatever you have to do to work past it and feel good about yourself again.

iluvcats

soulsinging wrote:

iluvcats wrote:

As for dating (if you want to call it that) a married man, I could not imagine touching another woman's property like that. This says alot about what she's like on the inside.

I can only imagine the shit storm that would occur if some guy here posted about not pursuing a woman because she was some other guy's property

Cinnamon Girl wrote:

I talked to my sister yesterday and I said "She's just so pretty..."
she said "Would it make it easier if she wasn't??"

I've been thinking about that and I guess no, it wouldn't be easier. It's just so hard not to blame yourself on some level.

I don't think there's anything unnatural about that. When someone you love goes to someone else, it can't help but level your confidence.

The guy my ex left me for had martial arts and working out listed as his hobbies, he's in the kind of grad program I wanted before I ended up in law school, and he wants to be in the CIA. Looking at his picture, he doesn't look any better than me... honestly, he's kind of a goofier looking version of me (hard as that might be to imagine ). Nonetheless, I hear stuff like that and can't shake the thought that I got left for James Bond or Jason Bourne... some real life super spy action hero that I'll never be cool enough to compete with.

It's ridiculous when you think about it, but the feelings it inspires are perfectly legit. So don't tear yourself up about feeling that way, it's going to bother you. Just realize that doesn't make it true and do whatever you have to do to work past it and feel good about yourself again.

oh well, I guess I'm just old (the property remark)

iluvcats

you know, I knew another woman who did it with a married man, at work, in his car at the softball field.

she's living a miserable life too like the other one I know.

CHANGEinWAVES

iluvcats wrote:

oh well, I guess I'm just old (the property remark)

I understand what you meant by it, but yes I guess the notion is not a great one to be considered someone's property.... because then wouldn't cinnamon be considered his property too.

regardless... I understand what you meant, and that you meant not bad terms with it.
you're an awesome lady Cats... always there for support!

Wobbie

My wife has a friend who went through the same thing. One night, the friend was at our house (I was gone) and they stayed up crying and all until 2:00 in the morning. The girl was devastated. It seemed like the worst thing ever.

Long story short..........fast forward two years..............the friend is remarried to a really cool guy who makes the first husband look like the POS he is and she is fantastically happy. I know this marriage will last. So, even though things look bad right now, I'm sure you will end up in a better place. I just know it. If possible, I think your avatar shows what a fantastic woman you are.

iluvcats

CHANGEinWAVES wrote:

iluvcats wrote:

oh well, I guess I'm just old (the property remark)

I understand what you meant by it, but yes I guess the notion is not a great one to be considered someone's property.... because then wouldn't cinnamon be considered his property too.

regardless... I understand what you meant, and that you meant not bad terms with it.
you're an awesome lady Cats... always there for support!

thanks dear I guess if I were single, I just wouldn't want a married man because he's not available and he's not respecting his marriage vows. And then if the cheater is available after his divorce, how could the one he cheated with trust him if he wants to continue the "relationship?"