@HughFreakingDillon I don’t think you are responsible for her ending her marriage. This is something she’d probably been weighing for a long time. Your text was just a sign validating the things she was already realising. It’s not on you to decide if she’s making a mistake. She recognised that she’s not who she was and that she’s not happy. I wish her luck as she embarks on a new path of discovery. It was nice of you to reach out though. You let her know that she made a difference in your life. That’s inspiring.
"What the CANUCK happened?!? - Esquimalt Barber Shop
Ugh! I just missed a call from a therapist because I completely forgot I made the appointment and who she was so I didn’t recognize the name or take the call at first. My memory is so awful. I feel beyond stupid. And quickly moving towards hopeless. I can’t get my heart to stop pounding today. I can’t get my brain to work. I just want to sleep and start over tomorrow.
i understand this completely. my cycle for a couple years straight:
wakes up, wishes it were tomorrow spends all day looking forward to sleep spends all night trying to sleep spends all morning wishing i slept spends all afternoon wishing i could sleep now
depression and anxiety fuck with memory BIG TIME. that's proven. unfortunately you have to figure out a way to not want to sleep all the time. because it just doesn't work. i honestly don't recall what i did, if anything. i think it was just a natural thing that happened that i finally decided to start living in the present because there's no other way to survive. having kids helped/sucked. i wanted to kill myself because i thought they'd be better off without me, but eventually i knew they wouldn't be. so it was either live or exist.
i'm not saying at all that it's that easy. i know all too well that it's not really a choice, but at the same time it kind of is. i mean, youdon'tchooseanydisease, butyouchoosetofightit. i lost my fight with depression 10,000 times, but then i won once. i may lose again. i'm sure i will. it's been a battle over 25 years. right now things are good. only thing i can do is try to live the best i can in hopes my "brain vitamins" (living positively) will help stave off future illness.
it took me months to come out of it. meds helped, and now i'm off them.
The bolded part really hits home. Not to hijack (though related), I recently had an epiphany that it wasn’t cirrhosis that stopped my boozing. It was me. Much like with my own anxiety, I will always have that addiction, and I will always continue to fight it.
And curse it, too (it’s worn out its welcome).
Same applies here too, I believe.
Yay you! Own that shit! The good and the bad make up each of us. We only hope that we’ll have the time to learn the lesson and to make different choices.
"What the CANUCK happened?!? - Esquimalt Barber Shop
i don't know where to put this, but i'll put it here because it's causing me some anxiety. i messaged a friend two nights ago whom i haven't spoken to in years. I told her how she inspired me in our 20's to be a more independent thinker, more confident in myself, etc etc.
she messaged me back a bombshell. my message gave her the courage to go through with ending her marriage. she said all the things i said about her were true, but my message made her realize she wasn't that person anymore. i was stunned. i'm not entirely sure how to process this. she said it's been brewing for some time, but the timing of my text to her couldn't have been more perfect. went on about the universe and such.
i kinda feel terrible. i mean, i'm glad my words inspired her to make what she thinks is a positive change. but i'm worried that i may have inspired a huge mistake.
This is in no way your fault. A message from an old friend would not negatively affect a good marriage. You actually may have saved her from an unhappy situation. Years ago I was in a bad relationship where I totally lost myself. Looking back, getting out of that relationship was the best thing. I have blossomed in so many ways since then and got back to my old self. Don’t feel bad. Her leaving her marriage is in no way about you.
i'm honestly not trying to make this about me. i'm just mildly uncomfortable being the "inspiration" of such a life changing event. that's all.
I know you weren’t trying to make it about you. See what happens. Maybe she just was having moment.
0
brianlux
Moving through All Kinds of Terrain. Posts: 42,944
Oh boy, the deep dark spin cycle. Neighbors were shooting again today. The worst thing in the world for me is when people in the neighborhood target practice with guns. What's worse is, we are in critical fire danger mode her in the Sierra Foothills. CalFire put out a notice asking people not to engage in activities that could cause sparks, including chain sawing and target practicing. But it is not prohibited. So the proverbial question is: What the hell is wrong with some people? One spark from a bullet hitting something hard or metallic and the whole damn neighborhood could go up in flames. People and animals could easily die.
I would move, but there is no place safe to go until we get out from under the bookstore.
It's night now and the danger has passed, but my innards are still grinding and my head is in a whirl.
Sorry, friends. I needed to get that off my chest.
Oh boy, the deep dark spin cycle. Neighbors were shooting again today. The worst thing in the world for me is when people in the neighborhood target practice with guns. What's worse is, we are in critical fire danger mode her in the Sierra Foothills. CalFire put out a notice asking people not to engage in activities that could cause sparks, including chain sawing and target practicing. But it is not prohibited. So the proverbial question is: What the hell is wrong with some people? One spark from a bullet hitting something hard or metallic and the whole damn neighborhood could go up in flames. People and animals could easily die.
I would move, but there is no place safe to go until we get out from under the bookstore.
It's night now and the danger has passed, but my innards are still grinding and my head is in a whirl.
Sorry, friends. I needed to get that off my chest.
Oh wow. That would terrify me to the core. I don’t even know what to say other than hang in there and praying that your family and property all stay safe.
0
brianlux
Moving through All Kinds of Terrain. Posts: 42,944
Oh boy, the deep dark spin cycle. Neighbors were shooting again today. The worst thing in the world for me is when people in the neighborhood target practice with guns. What's worse is, we are in critical fire danger mode her in the Sierra Foothills. CalFire put out a notice asking people not to engage in activities that could cause sparks, including chain sawing and target practicing. But it is not prohibited. So the proverbial question is: What the hell is wrong with some people? One spark from a bullet hitting something hard or metallic and the whole damn neighborhood could go up in flames. People and animals could easily die.
I would move, but there is no place safe to go until we get out from under the bookstore.
It's night now and the danger has passed, but my innards are still grinding and my head is in a whirl.
Sorry, friends. I needed to get that off my chest.
Oh wow. That would terrify me to the core. I don’t even know what to say other than hang in there and praying that your family and property all stay safe.
Thank you RS. So far so good. When winter comes, things will be better- little if any chance of fire, less shooting, longer nights. Night time is my friend. Most nights, most of the booby traps of life are asleep.
This fucking school bollocks. I had to go cry at my step sons school . And be around more people than ive even seen in 6 months to be told we get fined I said fine me. I aint got a dime. I feel impending doom and ive had enough of this illness and the struggle i just know i will be leaving my family soon because im not being part of this. My panic is off the chart way off
brixton 93
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
This fucking school bollocks. I had to go cry at my step sons school . And be around more people than ive even seen in 6 months to be told we get fined I said fine me. I aint got a dime. I feel impending doom and ive had enough of this illness and the struggle i just know i will be leaving my family soon because im not being part of this. My panic is off the chart way off
I'm sorry, Rob. I thought he was going the online option. Is that no longer an option?
No they said its a legal requirement to go school and only kids with a dr letter that must shield can get work sent home. He is now an unauthorized absence.
brixton 93
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
Thanks guys. If anything, she got a good idea of what kind of patient I am. What she’s in for.
What did we do before post-it’s? Most of the time I forget something in the few seconds it takes to write it down. And I have significantly cut down on weed and booze. Like, a lot. I’m eating healthier too. I just have further to go.
HFD, that is also my cycle right now. Add in the daily “shit! Is it morning already?” and it’s exact.
I’ve been thinking about getting off of my meds but every time I did that in the past, I tried to kill myself. I can’t do that. One of my kids really needs me (God only knows why). I just gotta keep chugging along until it passes.
Thanks all for being here. The friend that would understand me right now is gone. She killed herself. Third anniversary coming up in two weeks. Maybe that’s what’s triggering me? Damn I miss her!
I always got a little hinky around my sisters anniversary. lurks there under the surface, in the background...
Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
I was listening to this song - yet again, and so damn fitting - and think I'll start a journal titled "The Face of Today". I don't have Word on my computer and my handwriting's for shit sometimes (speed of mind exceeds that of writing) but I think it'll be helpful...a release, anyway, at least until I decide to go back to therapy or even after, if I do.
I was listening to this song - yet again, and so damn fitting - and think I'll start a journal titled "The Face of Today". I don't have Word on my computer and my handwriting's for shit sometimes (speed of mind exceeds that of writing) but I think it'll be helpful...a release, anyway, at least until I decide to go back to therapy or even after, if I do.
I've kept a journal since grammar school (not one, a massive series of them). I just start writing & go till my brain stops. Kinda like most of my posts, but longer. It is really healthy, for me, to get shit on the written page. It releases some of its power over me.
I also just love to write. I have journals that have themes, ask questions,etc. But I have a main one I try to write in as often as possible. The longest I have gone without writing is a year, during these past 5 or 6 years. I was just shut down so completely that I had no access to that part of my brain. I also have had difficulty reading, which must be in the same brain area. I am an extremely avid reader so it has been difficult, I love almost nothing more than to escape into books. Now I can read posts, headlines in the newspaper, but my ability to lose myself in a book is temporarily sidelined.
PTSD kind of 'blows up' that part of your brain. C-PTSD blows it up & curb stomps it. I was able to access my creative side through clinical depression & panic disorder, it actually was functioning extremely well. This is a heinous beast. I have forced myself to write, & I was uncomfortable AF. Stomach in anxiety knots, amorphous fear, impending doom all swirled in my mind as I started with one shaky sentence. I cant write everyday, but when I do write, it is usually for a long time. Then my brain shuts down. Which is fine with me mostly.
I still haven't read a book, but I have been doing word & number puzzles which I've always enjoyed, so i hope I'm retraining my brain. I keep several books on my nightstand in case I'm struck with the urge. But putting pen to paper in various ways is my only step forward so far.
I've kept a journal since grammar school (not one, a massive series of them). I just start writing & go till my brain stops. Kinda like most of my posts, but longer. It is really healthy, for me, to get shit on the written page. It releases some of its power over me.
I also just love to write. I have journals that have themes, ask questions,etc. But I have a main one I try to write in as often as possible. The longest I have gone without writing is a year, during these past 5 or 6 years. I was just shut down so completely that I had no access to that part of my brain. I also have had difficulty reading, which must be in the same brain area. I am an extremely avid reader so it has been difficult, I love almost nothing more than to escape into books. Now I can read posts, headlines in the newspaper, but my ability to lose myself in a book is temporarily sidelined.
PTSD kind of 'blows up' that part of your brain. C-PTSD blows it up & curb stomps it. I was able to access my creative side through clinical depression & panic disorder, it actually was functioning extremely well. This is a heinous beast. I have forced myself to write, & I was uncomfortable AF. Stomach in anxiety knots, amorphous fear, impending doom all swirled in my mind as I started with one shaky sentence. I cant write everyday, but when I do write, it is usually for a long time. Then my brain shuts down. Which is fine with me mostly.
I still haven't read a book, but I have been doing word & number puzzles which I've always enjoyed, so i hope I'm retraining my brain. I keep several books on my nightstand in case I'm struck with the urge. But putting pen to paper in various ways is my only step forward so far.
A long time ago, friend of mine suggested I keep a journal. I'm not real consistent with it, but that has helped me a lot at times. Writing in general is great. I write pretty much everyday, whether as letters, emails, cards and such. I find even writing comments on forums to be helpful for focusing my thoughts, especially when I take time to write and edit them carefully.
Do those of you who keep journals ever go back and read them? I have a hard time doing that. Either it’s too painful or I feel stupid for being in the same situation over and over again.
This is the start of a difficult season for me. Every year it’s the same. I’m fighting suicidal urges while trying to pretend to be in the holiday spirit. I can’t really talk to anyone. The people I trusted are dead. The rest I no longer trust. I had my first therapy appointment but the audio cut out for half of it. Not that it mattered. It’ll take a long time for me to open up again, even to a therapist. Maybe I’m beyond help.
In addition to journaling, I started writing letters to certain people. I’ll never send them but it’s a way of getting closure I hope. At least I finally realized I need to do this for myself. None of the people I’m writing to are worth my time or my thoughts. I just have to get rid of this anger and resentment and move on. And be grateful for the friends that are worth keeping and truly care about me.
0
brianlux
Moving through All Kinds of Terrain. Posts: 42,944
Do those of you who keep journals ever go back and read them? I have a hard time doing that. Either it’s too painful or I feel stupid for being in the same situation over and over again.
This is the start of a difficult season for me. Every year it’s the same. I’m fighting suicidal urges while trying to pretend to be in the holiday spirit. I can’t really talk to anyone. The people I trusted are dead. The rest I no longer trust. I had my first therapy appointment but the audio cut out for half of it. Not that it mattered. It’ll take a long time for me to open up again, even to a therapist. Maybe I’m beyond help.
In addition to journaling, I started writing letters to certain people. I’ll never send them but it’s a way of getting closure I hope. At least I finally realized I need to do this for myself. None of the people I’m writing to are worth my time or my thoughts. I just have to get rid of this anger and resentment and move on. And be grateful for the friends that are worth keeping and truly care about me.
I rarely go back too far and read my journals, especially the ones from the 90's- a decade that I only barely survived. I think the writing process itself- very much what you are talking- is more helpful than actually going back and reading them. The fact that you do have journals that you could read if you wanted to shows that you have kept at it, that you keep pushing forward.
Your desire to focus on being grateful to friends who are worth keeping is a real strength. That is a very smart and healthy approach and to me shows that you are not beyond help.
Comments
-EV 8/14/93
Thank you RS. So far so good. When winter comes, things will be better- little if any chance of fire, less shooting, longer nights. Night time is my friend. Most nights, most of the booby traps of life are asleep.
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
2016: Lexington and Wrigley 1
I said fine me. I aint got a dime. I feel impending doom and ive had enough of this illness and the struggle i just know i will be leaving my family soon because im not being part of this. My panic is off the chart way off
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
2016: Lexington and Wrigley 1
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
Be a disappointment in your own home
It's alright to turn it off
Ignore the rules of the state
It's your own
Disappear in thin air
It's your home
It's alright to be alone
To listen for a heartbeat
It's your own
Keep battling Rob, i been battling, the magic of life is worth the pain.
Trieste 14, Vienna 14, Gdynia 14, Leeds 14, Milton Keynes 14, Denver 14
Central Park 15
Fort Lauderdale 16, Miami 16, Tampa 16, Jacksonville 16, Greenville 16, Hampton 16, Columbia 16, Lexington 16, Philly1 16, Philly2 16, NYC1 16, NYC2 16, Quebec City 16, Ottawa 16, Toronto1 16, Toronto2 16, Fenway1 16, Fenway2 16, Wrigley1 16, Wrigley2 16
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
I always got a little hinky around my sisters anniversary. lurks there under the surface, in the background...
Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
We'll see.
2016: Lexington and Wrigley 1
I also just love to write. I have journals that have themes, ask questions,etc. But I have a main one I try to write in as often as possible. The longest I have gone without writing is a year, during these past 5 or 6 years. I was just shut down so completely that I had no access to that part of my brain. I also have had difficulty reading, which must be in the same brain area. I am an extremely avid reader so it has been difficult, I love almost nothing more than to escape into books. Now I can read posts, headlines in the newspaper, but my ability to lose myself in a book is temporarily sidelined.
PTSD kind of 'blows up' that part of your brain. C-PTSD blows it up & curb stomps it. I was able to access my creative side through clinical depression & panic disorder, it actually was functioning extremely well. This is a heinous beast. I have forced myself to write, & I was uncomfortable AF. Stomach in anxiety knots, amorphous fear, impending doom all swirled in my mind as I started with one shaky sentence. I cant write everyday, but when I do write, it is usually for a long time. Then my brain shuts down. Which is fine with me mostly.
I still haven't read a book, but I have been doing word & number puzzles which I've always enjoyed, so i hope I'm retraining my brain. I keep several books on my nightstand in case I'm struck with the urge. But putting pen to paper in various ways is my only step forward so far.
I gotta say, being a lefty isn't conducive to journal writing. I end up using the "wrong" side of the page, smearing words, etc.
Maybe typewriting is the way to go for me; different means, similar results.
A long time ago, friend of mine suggested I keep a journal. I'm not real consistent with it, but that has helped me a lot at times. Writing in general is great. I write pretty much everyday, whether as letters, emails, cards and such. I find even writing comments on forums to be helpful for focusing my thoughts, especially when I take time to write and edit them carefully.