A safe place for anxiety sufferers to share.

brianlux

HughFreakingDillon said:

@lastexitlondon, you and I are anxiety brothers. I have written about my struggles here before, and I was actually going to start a new mental health thread today. I came to AET by chance, as I don't come to this part of the forum often because I don't watch much tv or sports. LOL. But I looked today anyway, and look what I found. 

I didn't know there was an actual name for my problem. Every day it's a new fucking illness. medical symptom websites have been the worst thing I've ever come across in my life. I'm not always that busy at work, so I have spent an incredible amount of time looking up my symptoms. I won't go into what I feel I have, as I get it. I SO FUCKING GET IT. Whenever my wife comes home from her job and tells me about someone who has this or who has that, I freak out and remind her not to tell me, as I will feel like I have that within minutes. She can't even tell me if she's not feeling that great. I start asking her about her symptoms, then BAM all of a sudden I start thinking about it.

I haven't gotten to the point of being OCD with washing my hands, but anytime someone at work has the flu I freak out (to myself). I take minor steps to try to avoid them. 

There was a very low point in my anxiety where I was certain I was going to die, I didn't eat or drink much for two months. Lost 40 pounds. Slept a lot. Had to listen to my kids ask my wife repeatedly if daddy was sick again. It broke my heart. called in sick a lot at work. I laid in bed not long ago for 2 days shaking in fear of the medical boogeyman. 

I also decided some time ago to stop making plans with friends, as I got tired of cancelling on them when I wasn't feeling well. My home is my safe place. But everyone always wants to go out! Why the fuck don't you just come over? I've got snacks, I've got beer/booze! Nope, let's meet up! NO THANKS. 

it's so isolating, as people just stop asking. But that's just par for the new course, unfortunately. 

I cancelled on my siblings to go to a movie and a buddy of mine for drinks in the same day because of it. People get all bent out of shape about it. I'm sorry, that's why I generally don't make plans. I have to take care of myself. Worrying about the feelings of others has had to be put on the back burner. 

As thoughts mentioned, I honestly believe that there is truth to this empath stuff. I feel what people feel. I somehow take on their pain and stress and make it my own, to my own detriment. For the first 3 decades of my life I was the caretaker of everyone I knew. I would instinctively know when someone was not right. People would be astounded when I'd say "what's wrong?" when they'd be putting up a face and no one else was the wiser. Even when they'd deny it and I'd press and they'd cave and ask "how the fuck did you know?". 

And I think it broke me. 

I have struggled with substance abuse as well. I mostly kept it to just parties and such, then when I became isolated, I started to party on my own. that hasn't gone well. I have since been able to cut it back to a respectable level. But I didn't know if I could. 

I have been on and off medication since my mid 20's. The last time I was on them I swore I would never go off them. Fast forward to a couple years ago and my daughter had an extended stay in the hospital right at the time I needed to renew my Rx and it obviously lapsed and when I realized it I stupidly thought "well, I might as well give it a try".

Four months later is the time I thought i was going to die and lost 40 pounds. 

And things have been shit ever since. 

I went back on the meds, but for some reason, I can never remember to take them. I took them for years like clockwork, never missed a beat, but now I can't fucking remember. It's like my brain/body is not letting me have them. 

You also mentioned intrusive thoughts. These started for me about 15 years ago. I don't know if I should go into detail, as I don't want to trigger anything, but I was legitimately concerned for my safety and the safety of those around me. It was fucking scary. I sought help, and the first asshole I saw laughed at me and said "do you think Jeffery Dahmer worried about his thoughts or told anyone what he was going to do? Of course you're not crazy!". This was an educated psychologist. I never went back to that asshole again. After much research of my own, I was finally able to put a name to it; intrusive thoughts, and was able to manage it and not get triggered by it. I still have them occasionally, but I have been able to figure out how to let them go. But that took YEARS. I seriously considered committing myself or just moving away so my wife and daughter would be safe. 

Now, if I could only do that with my perceived physical symptoms. 

YEah and that's very unfortunate!  They used to be better but I think ads, big pharma are ruining them.  Mayoclinic.com com and merckmanuals.com are still OK.  What more places need is a good health library.  I volunteered 1,000 hours at the health library in Placerville (it has since moved about 17 miles down the hill to Cameron Park).  I was able to help people find information for their medical concerns and I found ways to help myself as well.  We are very fortunate to have a medical library in our area.  Normally they are only found in large cities (Placerville is only about 11,000 and Cameron Park about 18,000).  If you have one in your town, maybe give it a visit.

And as always, HFD, best wishes!

Thoughts_Arrive

Thanks for bravely sharing HFC.
Wishing you all the best.

lastexitlondon

Never ever google symptoms HFD that is what started all my problems. I haven't for 3 years now. But thats not to say im better infact worse but anyhow. It will only cause harm. I ve been thinking and you are the exact same as me. Health anxiety. Symptoms catastrophasising everything. My dr says the mental illness i have is worse than any disease i have thought i had. Bec it will keep going from one to the next with no peace in between. Its become that they over lap now . Im fucked and most days i wish never to wake in the morning when im dropping to sleep . Its no life. At all.
I am so grateful that even during my journey i managed to have ny children who are now 19,16,13 and 5 months. But they care about me and thats great but also embarrassing. Im open with them. Sadly my 13 year old has this also and that i will never forgive myself for.
All bar my 19 yr old have only known me like this. I keep trying to explain i was successful at my job and payed my way in life since age 14. But they only know this shell of a man. 
Also im grateful to my good friends I met who kept me alive whilst i travelled out of my town and even country to see pj. Those days nobody can take from me. I have a new problem this tour and sadly it could be a bridge to far to get another memory as mine has gone

lastexitlondon

I started with O C D. Exactly what you said about wife coming home. Same but i stopped my family from living and my kids from being normal with hand washing. 

Thoughts_Arrive

lastexitlondon said:

Never ever google symptoms HFD that is what started all my problems. I haven't for 3 years now. But thats not to say im better infact worse but anyhow. It will only cause harm. I ve been thinking and you are the exact same as me. Health anxiety. Symptoms catastrophasising everything. My dr says the mental illness i have is worse than any disease i have thought i had. Bec it will keep going from one to the next with no peace in between. Its become that they over lap now . Im fucked and most days i wish never to wake in the morning when im dropping to sleep . Its no life. At all.
I am so grateful that even during my journey i managed to have ny children who are now 19,16,13 and 5 months. But they care about me and thats great but also embarrassing. Im open with them. Sadly my 13 year old has this also and that i will never forgive myself for.
All bar my 19 yr old have only known me like this. I keep trying to explain i was successful at my job and payed my way in life since age 14. But they only know this shell of a man. 
Also im grateful to my good friends I met who kept me alive whilst i travelled out of my town and even country to see pj. Those days nobody can take from me. I have a new problem this tour and sadly it could be a bridge to far to get another memory as mine has gone

You are not at fault for your 13 year old having the same anxiety. You can never be guilty of something that is beyond your control.

lastexitlondon

I wish i had advice or wisdom from my mistakes but sadly im just making different mistakes causing more pain but with a new partner and away from my beloved children. So you can loose everything and continue to damage yourself and others so easily you can't see it .

lastexitlondon

Its learned behaviour

lastexitlondon

She calls me at 5 am and i have to try and be the voice of reason whilst im sitting here crying my eyes out for the same  reason. And fear is beating me. Its impossible im like the child

Thoughts_Arrive

lastexitlondon said:

Its learned behaviour

Maybe, maybe not.
Many psychological disorders are a combination of biological/social/psychological factors. Some more hereditary than anything. Many anxiety disorders are passed on genetically. 

lastexitlondon

That is interesting

brianlux

lastexitlondon said:

Never ever google symptoms HFD that is what started all my problems. I haven't for 3 years now. But thats not to say im better infact worse but anyhow. It will only cause harm. I ve been thinking and you are the exact same as me. Health anxiety. Symptoms catastrophasising everything. My dr says the mental illness i have is worse than any disease i have thought i had. Bec it will keep going from one to the next with no peace in between. Its become that they over lap now . Im fucked and most days i wish never to wake in the morning when im dropping to sleep . Its no life. At all.
I am so grateful that even during my journey i managed to have ny children who are now 19,16,13 and 5 months. But they care about me and thats great but also embarrassing. Im open with them. Sadly my 13 year old has this also and that i will never forgive myself for.
All bar my 19 yr old have only known me like this. I keep trying to explain i was successful at my job and payed my way in life since age 14. But they only know this shell of a man. 
Also im grateful to my good friends I met who kept me alive whilst i travelled out of my town and even country to see pj. Those days nobody can take from me. I have a new problem this tour and sadly it could be a bridge to far to get another memory as mine has gone

Here's a good article that explains why using the internet or even trying to self-diagnose with a DSM-IV or V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) is maybe not always a good idea.  It also points out why professional help is a good idea but also shows that even professionals are sometimes wrong.  A second or third opinion is is often the best way to go. 

I've had to learn to be careful to not read too much into what I read on-line.  It's easy to talk yourself into thinking you have a problem (either psychological and/or physical) that you really don't have. 

https://io9.gizmodo.com/this-is-why-you-constantly-diagnose-yourself-over-the-i-1619233242

Shyner

I did it. I accomplished some goals today and now i pray. Really though life sucks but i can't live without everyone who is alive right now. 

I feel a sense of loss. 

RogueStoner

Shyner said:

I did it. I accomplished some goals today and now i pray. Really though life sucks but i can't live without everyone who is alive right now. 

I feel a sense of loss. 

Why loss? You should be proud of yourself. You made it through another day. It may not seem like much to others but this is a daily struggle for some of us. So give yourself a break and feel good about the little things. Shine on, Shyner!

RogueStoner

brianlux said:

lastexitlondon said:

Never ever google symptoms HFD that is what started all my problems. I haven't for 3 years now. But thats not to say im better infact worse but anyhow. It will only cause harm. I ve been thinking and you are the exact same as me. Health anxiety. Symptoms catastrophasising everything. My dr says the mental illness i have is worse than any disease i have thought i had. Bec it will keep going from one to the next with no peace in between. Its become that they over lap now . Im fucked and most days i wish never to wake in the morning when im dropping to sleep . Its no life. At all.
I am so grateful that even during my journey i managed to have ny children who are now 19,16,13 and 5 months. But they care about me and thats great but also embarrassing. Im open with them. Sadly my 13 year old has this also and that i will never forgive myself for.
All bar my 19 yr old have only known me like this. I keep trying to explain i was successful at my job and payed my way in life since age 14. But they only know this shell of a man. 
Also im grateful to my good friends I met who kept me alive whilst i travelled out of my town and even country to see pj. Those days nobody can take from me. I have a new problem this tour and sadly it could be a bridge to far to get another memory as mine has gone

Here's a good article that explains why using the internet or even trying to self-diagnose with a DSM-IV or V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) is maybe not always a good idea.  It also points out why professional help is a good idea but also shows that even professionals are sometimes wrong.  A second or third opinion is is often the best way to go. 

I've had to learn to be careful to not read too much into what I read on-line.  It's easy to talk yourself into thinking you have a problem (either psychological and/or physical) that you really don't have. 

https://io9.gizmodo.com/this-is-why-you-constantly-diagnose-yourself-over-the-i-1619233242

According to web md, I have cancer everywhere. Or it could just be the common cold. And the odds are always almost the same. WTF?  So yeah, I don't look stuff up with one exception...before going to the doctor. Then I will look up any symptoms I may be having, but just so that I can ask the doctor about any questions that I may not have considered. But otherwise...no, thanks. 

lastexitlondon

RS i agree. I would never google again. My dr is my reference point. I don't think i need a second or third opinion. My dr has been at my surgery over 30 years and i hope he has seen most things several times. I MUST trust him i have no other choice. But this mental illness i have is a sly beast. Cunning and deceptive. It will make me suffer. My DR i trust but my mind i can't it seems.
Well done shyner any progress is to be held dearly

lastexitlondon

RS i agree also with this being a daily battle 
Everyday i cry to myself and at some points i wish for death to take me fast. We only have today. Easy to say but so hard to understand. I am controlled by fear . Otherwise i would just say fuck it what ever happens ,happens. Impossible for me.
You all here know the illness so well. Its really something to be able to talk with like people. If only from a far on a screen. 

stuckinline

lastexitlondon, sending you a virtual hug.

stuckinline

double post

RogueStoner

lastexitlondon said:

RS i agree. I would never google again. My dr is my reference point. I don't think i need a second or third opinion. My dr has been at my surgery over 30 years and i hope he has seen most things several times. I MUST trust him i have no other choice. But this mental illness i have is a sly beast. Cunning and deceptive. It will make me suffer. My DR i trust but my mind i can't it seems.
Well done shyner any progress is to be held dearly

Dude, if your Dr. has been doing your surgery for 30 years, I strongly recommend a second opinion.

lastexitlondon

My heart sank then i got the joke. Phew