A safe place for anxiety sufferers to share.

brianlux

RogueStoner said:

If 2017 has taught me one thing, it's that people are assholes. Especially the ones you least expect. Any hope is false hope. Trust is for fools. Nothing is what it seems to be. Disillusionment is par for the course. Being nice to others is seen as a weakness. There are two types of people...predators and prey. I don't know how to be a predator so I guess I'm the prey. Looks like I better build my wall much higher. 

Be the wall!

(Let's copyright that a make a million damn dollars!)

RogueStoner

brianlux said:

RogueStoner said:

If 2017 has taught me one thing, it's that people are assholes. Especially the ones you least expect. Any hope is false hope. Trust is for fools. Nothing is what it seems to be. Disillusionment is par for the course. Being nice to others is seen as a weakness. There are two types of people...predators and prey. I don't know how to be a predator so I guess I'm the prey. Looks like I better build my wall much higher. 

Be the wall!

(Let's copyright that a make a million damn dollars!)

I like the way you think!

RogueStoner

Thoughts_Arrive said:

RogueStoner said:

If 2017 has taught me one thing, it's that people are assholes. Especially the ones you least expect. Any hope is false hope. Trust is for fools. Nothing is what it seems to be. Disillusionment is par for the course. Being nice to others is seen as a weakness. There are two types of people...predators and prey. I don't know how to be a predator so I guess I'm the prey. Looks like I better build my wall much higher. 

:(
I feel you.
I thought I made 2 good friends only to wake up and realise they were playing me for a fool just so they could get a laugh.

I'm sorry. People suck. 

Shyner

I'm scared folks. 
I have to drive downtown , park the car in a garage and walk to the hospital. 
Then i have to remember where i parked. Get the car pick up my step dad and drive home. 
I'm thinking if you could save me tonight i wouldn't have to go through it..

Dreaming of who?  Jesus would do

mickeyrat

Shyner said:

I'm scared folks. 
I have to drive downtown , park the car in a garage and walk to the hospital. 
Then i have to remember where i parked. Get the car pick up my step dad and drive home. 
I'm thinking if you could save me tonight i wouldn't have to go through it..

Dreaming of who?  Jesus would do

take a picture.....

brianlux

RogueStoner said:

brianlux said:

RogueStoner said:

If 2017 has taught me one thing, it's that people are assholes. Especially the ones you least expect. Any hope is false hope. Trust is for fools. Nothing is what it seems to be. Disillusionment is par for the course. Being nice to others is seen as a weakness. There are two types of people...predators and prey. I don't know how to be a predator so I guess I'm the prey. Looks like I better build my wall much higher. 

Be the wall!

(Let's copyright that a make a million damn dollars!)

I like the way you think!

Awww shucks, thanks! 

stuckinline

RogueStoner said:

If 2017 has taught me one thing, it's that people are assholes. Especially the ones you least expect. Any hope is false hope. Trust is for fools. Nothing is what it seems to be. Disillusionment is par for the course. Being nice to others is seen as a weakness. There are two types of people...predators and prey. I don't know how to be a predator so I guess I'm the prey. Looks like I better build my wall much higher. 

Ditto for me, except it's continuing in 2018 as well.
Brian, excellent suggestion on 'Be the wall!'

hedonist

I think some people are assholes, or can be.  If that brush is painted among all, you're depriving yourself of the beauty within others and maybe even within yourself.

Sometimes you need to force your mind or eyes or soul or whatever to see the light.

Life isn't always dark.  Find a way, or try to, even if it takes time.

stuckinline

Very true Hedonist. ^

RogueStoner

I'm sorry, I couldn't help it this time. 

RogueStoner

Ok, I've composed myself. I guess a better way to say it is to expect people to be assholes in the end and proceed with great caution. 

And yes, if only some could "see the light". 
Although sometimes you try and try, and there is no light to be seen. Because people are assholes. 

HughFreakingDillon

@lastexitlondon, you and I are anxiety brothers. I have written about my struggles here before, and I was actually going to start a new mental health thread today. I came to AET by chance, as I don't come to this part of the forum often because I don't watch much tv or sports. LOL. But I looked today anyway, and look what I found. 

I didn't know there was an actual name for my problem. Every day it's a new fucking illness. medical symptom websites have been the worst thing I've ever come across in my life. I'm not always that busy at work, so I have spent an incredible amount of time looking up my symptoms. I won't go into what I feel I have, as I get it. I SO FUCKING GET IT. Whenever my wife comes home from her job and tells me about someone who has this or who has that, I freak out and remind her not to tell me, as I will feel like I have that within minutes. She can't even tell me if she's not feeling that great. I start asking her about her symptoms, then BAM all of a sudden I start thinking about it.

I haven't gotten to the point of being OCD with washing my hands, but anytime someone at work has the flu I freak out (to myself). I take minor steps to try to avoid them. 

There was a very low point in my anxiety where I was certain I was going to die, I didn't eat or drink much for two months. Lost 40 pounds. Slept a lot. Had to listen to my kids ask my wife repeatedly if daddy was sick again. It broke my heart. called in sick a lot at work. I laid in bed not long ago for 2 days shaking in fear of the medical boogeyman. 

I also decided some time ago to stop making plans with friends, as I got tired of cancelling on them when I wasn't feeling well. My home is my safe place. But everyone always wants to go out! Why the fuck don't you just come over? I've got snacks, I've got beer/booze! Nope, let's meet up! NO THANKS. 

it's so isolating, as people just stop asking. But that's just par for the new course, unfortunately. 

I cancelled on my siblings to go to a movie and a buddy of mine for drinks in the same day because of it. People get all bent out of shape about it. I'm sorry, that's why I generally don't make plans. I have to take care of myself. Worrying about the feelings of others has had to be put on the back burner. 

As thoughts mentioned, I honestly believe that there is truth to this empath stuff. I feel what people feel. I somehow take on their pain and stress and make it my own, to my own detriment. For the first 3 decades of my life I was the caretaker of everyone I knew. I would instinctively know when someone was not right. People would be astounded when I'd say "what's wrong?" when they'd be putting up a face and no one else was the wiser. Even when they'd deny it and I'd press and they'd cave and ask "how the fuck did you know?". 

And I think it broke me. 

I have struggled with substance abuse as well. I mostly kept it to just parties and such, then when I became isolated, I started to party on my own. that hasn't gone well. I have since been able to cut it back to a respectable level. But I didn't know if I could. 

I have been on and off medication since my mid 20's. The last time I was on them I swore I would never go off them. Fast forward to a couple years ago and my daughter had an extended stay in the hospital right at the time I needed to renew my Rx and it obviously lapsed and when I realized it I stupidly thought "well, I might as well give it a try".

Four months later is the time I thought i was going to die and lost 40 pounds. 

And things have been shit ever since. 

I went back on the meds, but for some reason, I can never remember to take them. I took them for years like clockwork, never missed a beat, but now I can't fucking remember. It's like my brain/body is not letting me have them. 

You also mentioned intrusive thoughts. These started for me about 15 years ago. I don't know if I should go into detail, as I don't want to trigger anything, but I was legitimately concerned for my safety and the safety of those around me. It was fucking scary. I sought help, and the first asshole I saw laughed at me and said "do you think Jeffery Dahmer worried about his thoughts or told anyone what he was going to do? Of course you're not crazy!". This was an educated psychologist. I never went back to that asshole again. After much research of my own, I was finally able to put a name to it; intrusive thoughts, and was able to manage it and not get triggered by it. I still have them occasionally, but I have been able to figure out how to let them go. But that took YEARS. I seriously considered committing myself or just moving away so my wife and daughter would be safe. 

Now, if I could only do that with my perceived physical symptoms. 

hedonist

Glad I gave you a laugh, I guess?

I suppose we have different expectations based on our experiences.  I've been burned as well, but also been given the gift of some fine souls in my life.  Maybe it's easier for me to separate the two, I don't know.

dankind

RogueStoner said:

Ok, I've composed myself. I guess a better way to say it is to expect people to be assholes in the end and proceed with great caution. 

And yes, if only some could "see the light". 
Although sometimes you try and try, and there is no light to be seen. Because people are assholes. 

Composed yourself? Why deprive us of the real RS?

Wait....

Is it because we're assholes...?

RogueStoner

hedonist said:

Glad I gave you a laugh, I guess?

I suppose we have different expectations based on our experiences.  I've been burned as well, but also been given the gift of some fine souls in my life.  Maybe it's easier for me to separate the two, I don't know.

Always a pleasure.

dankind said:

RogueStoner said:

Ok, I've composed myself. I guess a better way to say it is to expect people to be assholes in the end and proceed with great caution. 

And yes, if only some could "see the light". 
Although sometimes you try and try, and there is no light to be seen. Because people are assholes. 

Composed yourself? Why deprive us of the real RS?

Wait....

Is it because we're assholes...?

No, silly. And I doubt I'm depriving anyone. Annoying, maybe. Depriving, no. 

HughFreakingDillon

one of the last few joys of my life, going to concerts, has been drastically altered by this as well. Because I'm so afraid of cancelling on people, I buy tickets to to go shows alone. that makes a guy feel like a complete fucking loser. But it was a necessary step I had to take. I have missed only a show or two because of my anxiety, but it still sucks ass. I can't socialize like I used to. 

My wife's family cottage is my one refuge away from my brain. I go there, and holy fucking shit, the anxiety melts off. a weekend of my old self. my in laws drive me a bit batty, but there's something about being at the beach that is so calming. Same when we went to Mexico last spring. I was a basket case leading up to the trip (terrified of the buffet), bargaining with my wife constantly about me cancelling, but once we were there, it was 7 days of pure bliss. 

yesterday, my wife was doing laundry. I walked up to her, me in tears, telling her how sorry I was for what she has to endure with me. This has happened many times. She always assures me it's fine, but I know it isn't. I know it's rough on her. 

The guilt of being who I am is so enormous, I just want to rid the world of my nonsense for others. This is where I think many people get to where they ultimately decide they've had enough. I am not near that, but I was close a while back. I have two daughters, who I KNOW would be devastated without me. As much of a horrible burden I feel that I am, I am still their dad. All they see is their dad. And they need their dad. I used to believe their life would be better without me. But then I started thinking about that reality. Every special occasion, every little milestone, even playing a family board game on a Friday night, there would be that dagger in the heart of "I wish Dad were here". I can't do that willingly. If death takes me, fine, but I'm not going to give myself to it. 

This is what you need to do. Think about, I mean really think about what life would be like without you. Would it really be better? Would people really be happier if you were gone? Abso-fucking-lutely not, and you deep down all know that. Even if it's just one person that would be devastated, that's enough. 

As much of a fuck up and a loser you might think you are, we are like this because we feel deeper than we wish we did. And that's actually a gift. And a curse.

But a gift, nonetheless. 

HughFreakingDillon

thank you for this thread, lastexit. 

RogueStoner

HughFreakingDillon said:

As much of a fuck up and a loser you might think you are, we are like this because we feel deeper than we wish we did. And that's actually a gift. And a curse.

But a gift, nonetheless. 

Well said, HFD. It is a gift, but so damn hard to live with. People don't realize how easily I can feel and absorb what others are feeling. I sometimes have to avoid people altogether when I can't take any more. Then, not knowing how to release that energy is what makes it really bad. So painful. But I'm still thankful for it. 

lastexitlondon

HughFreakingDillon said:

@lastexitlondon, you and I are anxiety brothers. I have written about my struggles here before, and I was actually going to start a new mental health thread today. I came to AET by chance, as I don't come to this part of the forum often because I don't watch much tv or sports. LOL. But I looked today anyway, and look what I found. 

I didn't know there was an actual name for my problem. Every day it's a new fucking illness. medical symptom websites have been the worst thing I've ever come across in my life. I'm not always that busy at work, so I have spent an incredible amount of time looking up my symptoms. I won't go into what I feel I have, as I get it. I SO FUCKING GET IT. Whenever my wife comes home from her job and tells me about someone who has this or who has that, I freak out and remind her not to tell me, as I will feel like I have that within minutes. She can't even tell me if she's not feeling that great. I start asking her about her symptoms, then BAM all of a sudden I start thinking about it.

I haven't gotten to the point of being OCD with washing my hands, but anytime someone at work has the flu I freak out (to myself). I take minor steps to try to avoid them. 

There was a very low point in my anxiety where I was certain I was going to die, I didn't eat or drink much for two months. Lost 40 pounds. Slept a lot. Had to listen to my kids ask my wife repeatedly if daddy was sick again. It broke my heart. called in sick a lot at work. I laid in bed not long ago for 2 days shaking in fear of the medical boogeyman. 

I also decided some time ago to stop making plans with friends, as I got tired of cancelling on them when I wasn't feeling well. My home is my safe place. But everyone always wants to go out! Why the fuck don't you just come over? I've got snacks, I've got beer/booze! Nope, let's meet up! NO THANKS. 

it's so isolating, as people just stop asking. But that's just par for the new course, unfortunately. 

I cancelled on my siblings to go to a movie and a buddy of mine for drinks in the same day because of it. People get all bent out of shape about it. I'm sorry, that's why I generally don't make plans. I have to take care of myself. Worrying about the feelings of others has had to be put on the back burner. 

As thoughts mentioned, I honestly believe that there is truth to this empath stuff. I feel what people feel. I somehow take on their pain and stress and make it my own, to my own detriment. For the first 3 decades of my life I was the caretaker of everyone I knew. I would instinctively know when someone was not right. People would be astounded when I'd say "what's wrong?" when they'd be putting up a face and no one else was the wiser. Even when they'd deny it and I'd press and they'd cave and ask "how the fuck did you know?". 

And I think it broke me. 

I have struggled with substance abuse as well. I mostly kept it to just parties and such, then when I became isolated, I started to party on my own. that hasn't gone well. I have since been able to cut it back to a respectable level. But I didn't know if I could. 

I have been on and off medication since my mid 20's. The last time I was on them I swore I would never go off them. Fast forward to a couple years ago and my daughter had an extended stay in the hospital right at the time I needed to renew my Rx and it obviously lapsed and when I realized it I stupidly thought "well, I might as well give it a try".

Four months later is the time I thought i was going to die and lost 40 pounds. 

And things have been shit ever since. 

I went back on the meds, but for some reason, I can never remember to take them. I took them for years like clockwork, never missed a beat, but now I can't fucking remember. It's like my brain/body is not letting me have them. 

You also mentioned intrusive thoughts. These started for me about 15 years ago. I don't know if I should go into detail, as I don't want to trigger anything, but I was legitimately concerned for my safety and the safety of those around me. It was fucking scary. I sought help, and the first asshole I saw laughed at me and said "do you think Jeffery Dahmer worried about his thoughts or told anyone what he was going to do? Of course you're not crazy!". This was an educated psychologist. I never went back to that asshole again. After much research of my own, I was finally able to put a name to it; intrusive thoughts, and was able to manage it and not get triggered by it. I still have them occasionally, but I have been able to figure out how to let them go. But that took YEARS. I seriously considered committing myself or just moving away so my wife and daughter would be safe. 

Now, if I could only do that with my perceived physical symptoms. 

We are the same. I lay here atm wishing for a chance that never comes despite the hardest fight i can give. Love to you for sharing. Now i try to sleep...again. 

lastexitlondon

I say sorry in tears 10 times at least a day to my partner. Ive already lost one marriage and my family . 20 years of doing exactly as you described. And now im dying again