A safe place for anxiety sufferers to share.

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  • HughFreakingDillonHughFreakingDillon WinnipegPosts: 16,890
    Barely existing
    been there, crawled out of that. you can too. you will. 
    "It's so nice when toxic people stop talking to you.
    It's like the trash took itself out"
  • Barely existing
    been there, crawled out of that. you can too. you will. 
    Same, just gotta realize that it's all in your mind.
    Worcester1 13, Worcester2 13, Hartford 13, San Diego 13, Los Angeles1 13, Los Angeles2 13
    Trieste 14, Vienna 14, Gdynia 14, Leeds 14, Milton Keynes 14, Denver 14
    Central Park 15
    Fort Lauderdale 16, Miami 16, Tampa 16, Jacksonville 16, Greenville 16, Hampton 16, Columbia 16, Lexington 16, Philly1 16, Philly2 16, NYC1 16, NYC2 16, Quebec City 16, Ottawa 16, Toronto1 16, Toronto2 16, Fenway1 16, Fenway2 16, Wrigley1 16, Wrigley2 16


  • HughFreakingDillonHughFreakingDillon WinnipegPosts: 16,890
    Barely existing
    been there, crawled out of that. you can too. you will. 
    Same, just gotta realize that it's all in your mind.
    it's not as easy as that. I know it's all in my mind, and so does lastexit. but that doesn't really change anything. you can't will yourself out of it, nor does knowing it's an illness and not your fault help, unfortunately. you have to work at it, and that is so incredibly difficult. like telling someone with a broken leg to run a marathon. luckily for me, the meds worked. it's not like that for everyone. and every time you go through seeing someone, getting new meds, waiting for them to work, which can be weeks and in some cases months, only to have to start over again, it is so incredibly easy to just fucking give up. when every waking moment is torture, all you wish for is sleep and/or the end. you don't necessarily WANT to die, but you believe that is the only way the pain will stop, so it comes out as wishing for death. when all you are wishing for is to be back to normal. But the longer it goes on, that seems about as likely as winning the lottery or getting struck by lightning. it is so incredibly discouraging. 
    "It's so nice when toxic people stop talking to you.
    It's like the trash took itself out"
  • Barely existing
    been there, crawled out of that. you can too. you will. 
    Same, just gotta realize that it's all in your mind.
    it's not as easy as that. I know it's all in my mind, and so does lastexit. but that doesn't really change anything. you can't will yourself out of it, nor does knowing it's an illness and not your fault help, unfortunately. you have to work at it, and that is so incredibly difficult. like telling someone with a broken leg to run a marathon. luckily for me, the meds worked. it's not like that for everyone. and every time you go through seeing someone, getting new meds, waiting for them to work, which can be weeks and in some cases months, only to have to start over again, it is so incredibly easy to just fucking give up. when every waking moment is torture, all you wish for is sleep and/or the end. you don't necessarily WANT to die, but you believe that is the only way the pain will stop, so it comes out as wishing for death. when all you are wishing for is to be back to normal. But the longer it goes on, that seems about as likely as winning the lottery or getting struck by lightning. it is so incredibly discouraging. 
    This is exactly right. The sad thing is i do not think its all in my head. I 100%believe i have dementia and am dying.. now everyone else involved in this says otherwise thats what i find the hardest. Im meant to not trust my instinct or voice inside that we are from a young age told to trust and listen to. Im somehow at 42 meant to not trust myself. Im an intelligent guy well I used to be. I sitting here this afternoon after keeping busy all day forgeting things ive instantly done thinking shall i drink beer/take valium/get some wine/ or suffer more. HFD is correct i don't ever want to die but im left with the NEED for this to stop immediately as each period of illness or phantom fuckin illness ive been through turned out dr was 100%correct. But this time like all the others ik 100%sure i am right. And its worn me down to a shadow of rob fuck i don't even know rob . I wish for a fast death all the time. I have no joy in anything .
    I have been lucky in that i saved money when i used work. Follwed my dream and saw PJ all over the world. I have 4 beautiful intelligent children and a partner that loves me. Ive played sports ive loved. I have done all the things i ever wanted. So im ready now to die if its quick. I won't hang on and rot away.
    brixton 93
    astoria 06
    albany 06
    hartford 06
    reading 06
    barcelona 06
    paris 06
    wembley 07
    dusseldorf 07
    nijmegen 07

    this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
  • And you guys really are the good ones around here. Ive encountered many pj fans world wide most epic. You are some of the kindest
    brixton 93
    astoria 06
    albany 06
    hartford 06
    reading 06
    barcelona 06
    paris 06
    wembley 07
    dusseldorf 07
    nijmegen 07

    this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
  • HughFreakingDillonHughFreakingDillon WinnipegPosts: 16,890
    Barely existing
    been there, crawled out of that. you can too. you will. 
    Same, just gotta realize that it's all in your mind.
    it's not as easy as that. I know it's all in my mind, and so does lastexit. but that doesn't really change anything. you can't will yourself out of it, nor does knowing it's an illness and not your fault help, unfortunately. you have to work at it, and that is so incredibly difficult. like telling someone with a broken leg to run a marathon. luckily for me, the meds worked. it's not like that for everyone. and every time you go through seeing someone, getting new meds, waiting for them to work, which can be weeks and in some cases months, only to have to start over again, it is so incredibly easy to just fucking give up. when every waking moment is torture, all you wish for is sleep and/or the end. you don't necessarily WANT to die, but you believe that is the only way the pain will stop, so it comes out as wishing for death. when all you are wishing for is to be back to normal. But the longer it goes on, that seems about as likely as winning the lottery or getting struck by lightning. it is so incredibly discouraging. 
    This is exactly right. The sad thing is i do not think its all in my head. I 100%believe i have dementia and am dying.. now everyone else involved in this says otherwise thats what i find the hardest. Im meant to not trust my instinct or voice inside that we are from a young age told to trust and listen to. Im somehow at 42 meant to not trust myself. Im an intelligent guy well I used to be. I sitting here this afternoon after keeping busy all day forgeting things ive instantly done thinking shall i drink beer/take valium/get some wine/ or suffer more. HFD is correct i don't ever want to die but im left with the NEED for this to stop immediately as each period of illness or phantom fuckin illness ive been through turned out dr was 100%correct. But this time like all the others ik 100%sure i am right. And its worn me down to a shadow of rob fuck i don't even know rob . I wish for a fast death all the time. I have no joy in anything .
    I have been lucky in that i saved money when i used work. Follwed my dream and saw PJ all over the world. I have 4 beautiful intelligent children and a partner that loves me. Ive played sports ive loved. I have done all the things i ever wanted. So im ready now to die if its quick. I won't hang on and rot away.
    the physical symptoms I have, as well, make me 100% believe that the doctors and everyone else are wrong. BUT, I also know what the brain is capable of. if it is capable of moving things in my body involuntarily or causing pain when there shouldn't be any, damn rights it can cause dementia-like symptoms as a defense mechanism against itself. I 100% believe that. And you should too. 

    Again, I don't want to mention my symptoms to you as I know how that works (you may appropriate the same ones without even realizing it). But just KNOW that some of the things I experience on a daily basis scare the living fuck out of me. things I see, things I experience. It's our fucked up brains doing it. once we learn to somewhat live with it, accept it for what it is, it can alleviate the symptoms to the point where you either don't notice them or they become bearable. 

    I also know that drinking is a short term solution but it will cause more pain down the road. I know when I have had a few, everything is great. Then the next day, even if you don't feel hungover, the shame is a cloud that's fucking hard to get rid of. I've curbed my consumption because I was falling into that trap. I can't imagine how difficult it must be in your situation (not working). it is so easy to have one. convince yourself you're only going to have one more. ok, one more. ok, THIS IS IT. THE LAST ONE. and it ends up being 10 more. anything to numb.  you convince yourself you don't need it, you're just having fun. but you're not. you're numbing it. and it works. but numbing is temporary. and then the pain comes back worse than it was before, because now you have the pain and the shame and maybe a hangover. But hey, at least you got that 2-3 hour reprieve, right? I know. it's hard. it's fucking hard. but also, the meds won't work as well, or at all, if you are consuming alcohol. I know this. I've lived this. you can do this. decide you can do this. and you will. 
    "It's so nice when toxic people stop talking to you.
    It's like the trash took itself out"
  • All true.
    brixton 93
    astoria 06
    albany 06
    hartford 06
    reading 06
    barcelona 06
    paris 06
    wembley 07
    dusseldorf 07
    nijmegen 07

    this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
  • I was in a similar abyss about a year and a half ago that OP is in now, under slightly different circumstances. Took a drug I shouldn't have taken, felt bad heart cramps, had a terrible panic attack, thought I was dying, so went to the ER. I had an abnormal heart rhythm on the EKG that took about an hour or two to settle. Everything looked fine on the echocardiogram that was taken. The tightness in my chest didn't go away for the next month or two and i was CONVINCED i did some kind of damage to my heart even though the doctors said everything was fine. Got bloodwork taken and everything came back fine and I wanted to see a cardiologist.

    Every day of those 3-4 months was a living hell wondering if the tightness, headaches, and brain fog that were persistent 24/7 was just from anxiety or was from heart damage. I was convinced it was the latter. Family and close friends either didn't believe me or had no clue about the existential crisis i was going through cause I hold everything in and don't want to burden anybody with my problems. I couldn't do or enjoy anything because I was convinced it was the end of me. Wrote up a will, put the fork in me. Thank god the new Metallica album just came out and was atleast able to meet me halfway. "When all is pain, may it be, it's all we've ever known". It was the only way I could justify that season in the abyss, afraid of waking life and hoping to just get any kind of sleep. Sometimes i think we choose a body/life/mind of anxiety, depression, struggles, pitstops or whatever it is cause that's how we strengthen ourselves in the long run.

    Anyway I finally willed myself out of that state of perception. It wasn't until I 100% convinced myself that the tightness and cramps was just from my own anxiety. The physical symptoms slowly subsided at that point. It took months to get myself out of that maze. You can't die from a panic attack, but anxiety can DEFINITELY cause long term physical symptoms. I only bring it up because it reminds me of your story, Rob. You can get out of that maze, you just have to believe you can. Personally I learned that drinking, doctors, medications, drugs, the justice of the peace is not the answer for me. It's gotta come from the self. I wish everybody the best.
    Worcester1 13, Worcester2 13, Hartford 13, San Diego 13, Los Angeles1 13, Los Angeles2 13
    Trieste 14, Vienna 14, Gdynia 14, Leeds 14, Milton Keynes 14, Denver 14
    Central Park 15
    Fort Lauderdale 16, Miami 16, Tampa 16, Jacksonville 16, Greenville 16, Hampton 16, Columbia 16, Lexington 16, Philly1 16, Philly2 16, NYC1 16, NYC2 16, Quebec City 16, Ottawa 16, Toronto1 16, Toronto2 16, Fenway1 16, Fenway2 16, Wrigley1 16, Wrigley2 16


  • Thoughts_ArriveThoughts_Arrive Melbourne, AustraliaPosts: 13,156
    Wise words above.
    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • ShynerShyner Posts: 1,226
    I'm quitting my job and leaving home tomorrow
    Hope i can make it. Love you all
  • Im trying so hard to keep saying over and over the words mentioned above. 
    brixton 93
    astoria 06
    albany 06
    hartford 06
    reading 06
    barcelona 06
    paris 06
    wembley 07
    dusseldorf 07
    nijmegen 07

    this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
  • brianluxbrianlux Moving through All Kinds of Terrain.Posts: 25,999
    I'm thinking the best thoughts I possibly can for lastexitlion and shyner and anybody else here in the grips of anxiety, depression, and the difficult feelings that are a part of that world. 

    I had a friend who lost to depression.  The details aren't important for here but the thing is, she didn't make it.  I nor anyone else could save her.  I still wish I could reach around to the other side and pull her back. 

    But I can't do that, so all I can do is put out the best thoughts I can-- for all of us, really.  I'm guessing anyone reading this has been there.
    "Love and only love will break it down"
    -Neil Young
    ***********
    M.I.T.S.





  • mickeyratmickeyrat Posts: 14,397
    Im trying so hard to keep saying over and over the words mentioned above. 
    does it help, at all, to remind yourself that you HAVE been wrong before? Even in the face of your certainty otherwise?
    _____________________________________SIGNATURE________________________________________________

    Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
    you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
    memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
    another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
  • I keep saying that over and over . Its all i have. I MUST trust im terrible at faith and trust. 
    brixton 93
    astoria 06
    albany 06
    hartford 06
    reading 06
    barcelona 06
    paris 06
    wembley 07
    dusseldorf 07
    nijmegen 07

    this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
  • HughFreakingDillonHughFreakingDillon WinnipegPosts: 16,890
    I keep saying that over and over . Its all i have. I MUST trust im terrible at faith and trust. 
    it's incredibly difficult because what you are experiencing is real. it's not real "to you". it's real. embrace that. you know it's real. you know it's there. it's not "all in your head". so accept it. this is your existence. at least for now. try to laugh at it here and there. i have tried it, and sometimes it lightens it a bit. not much, but everything helps. like if you forget something, just laugh it off "oh, there i go again!". 

    leaving this world is not an option for you. you have kids who need their dad. being a parent means surviving through everything for our kids. don't fool yourself and tell yourself the Depression Lie: they will NOT be better off without you. 

    my mom has 3 working limbs. has since she was 4 when she contracted polio. i'm sure there must have been a time, probably a long time, of self-pity. but she is one of the most positive people i know. she is my hero in that regard. she accepts her reality and lives within that framework. 

    the doctor says you aren't dying so you aren't. 
    you get confused and forget things so you have to learn to live with it until you can find figure out what it is. my strong guess is it is the anxiety fucking with your neurons. 

    go for a walk. 
    go get a cup of coffee somewhere and read the news or a magazine. 
    go to a pub and have a beer with a friend and catch up. 
    put on headphones and get lost in the music for an hour. or if it's a pj boot, 3 hours. 

    i'm off sick today cause i just couldn't fucking get out of bed. there is a massive shame element when my kids are off to school and asking me why i'm in bed. i just tell them daddy needs a day to himself. that's all i can say. 
    "It's so nice when toxic people stop talking to you.
    It's like the trash took itself out"
  • kce8kce8 Posts: 1,368
    How have you guys been over the last "Club free" days?

    Hope you are all doing well!!! 
  • HFD your words seriously keep me going. Ive been a mess since the board was down . Ive become dependent on visiting here as its a sanctuary for 10 mins . You truly are one person ive spoken with who GETS IT. You seem to live this life along side me the same way. Im in tears reading this its 5.am and im ill as well as sick now some fuckin flu like shit. Im getting worse not better don't see my dr till Friday. I got drunk 2 days ago and it was useless. Staying sober and valium free is so hard but the after effects of drink are no good. Also i will add 3 people around the family and neighbours have died this week. Along with all 3 of my older kids have health issues i can't fix. Im not able to die like you say so i live in the half life in the chasm where i don't even know what day im in.
    Big love and a warm heart to all of you in this boat with me 
    brixton 93
    astoria 06
    albany 06
    hartford 06
    reading 06
    barcelona 06
    paris 06
    wembley 07
    dusseldorf 07
    nijmegen 07

    this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
  • Fuck i really can't get a second of break from confusion and vacantness.
    brixton 93
    astoria 06
    albany 06
    hartford 06
    reading 06
    barcelona 06
    paris 06
    wembley 07
    dusseldorf 07
    nijmegen 07

    this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
  • ShynerShyner Posts: 1,226
    Hi I'm scared to go to sleep because tomorrow = anxiety
    I haven't quit my job and left home yet but I'm praying i can do it 
    The city she loves me
  • brianluxbrianlux Moving through All Kinds of Terrain.Posts: 25,999
    edited January 2018
    Shyner said:
    Hi I'm scared to go to sleep because tomorrow = anxiety
    I haven't quit my job and left home yet but I'm praying i can do it 
    The city she loves me
    I get that too, Shyner.  Or sometimes I can't get to sleep because I know I should be sleeping because I have to get up the next day to do something that will involve anxiety.  It's quite a dilemma.  So now I'm going to go crawl in bed and try and try and try to sleep.  If only I didn't try so hard, I probably would.

    But we can get through these things, right?  Yes, we can.   Hope you have a good tomorrow!
    "Love and only love will break it down"
    -Neil Young
    ***********
    M.I.T.S.





  • Thoughts_ArriveThoughts_Arrive Melbourne, AustraliaPosts: 13,156
    I would have to disagree with HFD regarding coffee. Caffeine exacerbates or causes anxiety for me.
    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • Oh yes i don't drink coffee but get the sentiment. What is everyones name mine is rob seems more friendly
    brixton 93
    astoria 06
    albany 06
    hartford 06
    reading 06
    barcelona 06
    paris 06
    wembley 07
    dusseldorf 07
    nijmegen 07

    this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
  • HughFreakingDillonHughFreakingDillon WinnipegPosts: 16,890
    I would have to disagree with HFD regarding coffee. Caffeine exacerbates or causes anxiety for me.
    I had to quit caffeine totally at the height of my anxiety. I would literally sit at my desk and shake the rest of the morning. once my anxiety got better, i slowly reintroduced it, but only one cup per day, instead of the 3 or 4 that I was having previously. 
    "It's so nice when toxic people stop talking to you.
    It's like the trash took itself out"
  • HughFreakingDillonHughFreakingDillon WinnipegPosts: 16,890
    HFD your words seriously keep me going. Ive been a mess since the board was down . Ive become dependent on visiting here as its a sanctuary for 10 mins . You truly are one person ive spoken with who GETS IT. You seem to live this life along side me the same way. Im in tears reading this its 5.am and im ill as well as sick now some fuckin flu like shit. Im getting worse not better don't see my dr till Friday. I got drunk 2 days ago and it was useless. Staying sober and valium free is so hard but the after effects of drink are no good. Also i will add 3 people around the family and neighbours have died this week. Along with all 3 of my older kids have health issues i can't fix. Im not able to die like you say so i live in the half life in the chasm where i don't even know what day im in.
    Big love and a warm heart to all of you in this boat with me 
    dude, when the forum was down, I was just hoping that you would still be here when it came back up. I knew that you were using this as a sort of lifeline, so glad to see you still around. I was worrying about you all weekend. 

    like I said before, I've been through this and came out the other side, so you can too. so has Brian. Do I still have issues? of course. I had hoped I would be back to 100% by now. I'll be honest in that I don't know if I ever will be. But I'm light years better than I was two years ago. there is a light at the end of this tunnel. believe me. 

    I think you'd find that there are many more people like you than just me. I am just at a point where I'm not longer embarrassed to share it publicly. I've been told by some friends that I'm hyper-self-aware as well. I don't know about that. I just think I think too much, and I found over the years of reading story after story of anxiety forums on the web that all or most of the stuff that has gone through my head is all-too-common and not unique to me or anyone else. none of us are nuts and think stuff no one else thinks of. that's really the part that scared me the most. it is incredibly isolating to believe your brain is the only one in existence that operates the way it does. but it's not. the most liberating part of this is being able to share your most frightening thoughts and having people's eyes light up and go "holy fuck! that's ME!". 

    I'm not trying to sound all-knowing or some type of yoda here, but from what I've been through, I've been where you're at right now. Aware that all of your troubles are being caused by your brain, but not quite able to let go of it yet. It could be a while yet. But you'll get there. 
    "It's so nice when toxic people stop talking to you.
    It's like the trash took itself out"
  • HughFreakingDillonHughFreakingDillon WinnipegPosts: 16,890
    Oh yes i don't drink coffee but get the sentiment. What is everyones name mine is rob seems more friendly
    Paul. 
    "It's so nice when toxic people stop talking to you.
    It's like the trash took itself out"
  • i_lov_iti_lov_it Perth, Western AustraliaPosts: 3,898
    edited January 2018
    I would have to disagree with HFD regarding coffee. Caffeine exacerbates or causes anxiety for me.
    I had to quit caffeine totally at the height of my anxiety. I would literally sit at my desk and shake the rest of the morning. once my anxiety got better, i slowly reintroduced it, but only one cup per day, instead of the 3 or 4 that I was having previously. 
    I gave up Coffee a few years ago...but I still drink Tea though...I just felt better not drinking Coffee...but I do limit the amount of Tea...
    Post edited by i_lov_it on
    E.V. - "Music is a Weapon of Mass Construction"
    Perth-20th March 1998
    Perth-23rd February 2003
    Perth-25th November 2006
    Perth-14th November 2009
    E.V. - Perth-31st March, 1st April 2011
  • What's your name thoughts_arrive?
    Paul and brian i really appreciate you being here and frank. I ask the people around me all the time the same questions which they wish they could help with. But you guys are distant but close in heart if you know what i mean. And do you know to be able to share with other men is rare. Ive drank again tonight . I will regret it but i have had an hour or so of a break. Even though IT hasn't gone away . Im so close to the end because drink isn't the answer neither is meds or valium. But each day i do none of them im in utter turmoil and can't concentrate or recall or remember. I know im truly fucked either way. Love to you all
    brixton 93
    astoria 06
    albany 06
    hartford 06
    reading 06
    barcelona 06
    paris 06
    wembley 07
    dusseldorf 07
    nijmegen 07

    this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
  • HughFreakingDillonHughFreakingDillon WinnipegPosts: 16,890
    What's your name thoughts_arrive?
    Paul and brian i really appreciate you being here and frank. I ask the people around me all the time the same questions which they wish they could help with. But you guys are distant but close in heart if you know what i mean. And do you know to be able to share with other men is rare. Ive drank again tonight . I will regret it but i have had an hour or so of a break. Even though IT hasn't gone away . Im so close to the end because drink isn't the answer neither is meds or valium. But each day i do none of them im in utter turmoil and can't concentrate or recall or remember. I know im truly fucked either way. Love to you all
    I know saying "it's close to the end" can be comforting in ways. almost calming, as it helps you feel as if the pain will soon end. I used to say stuff like that to myself all the time. Still do sometimes. But I'm still here. And so are you. 
    "It's so nice when toxic people stop talking to you.
    It's like the trash took itself out"
  • Thoughts_ArriveThoughts_Arrive Melbourne, AustraliaPosts: 13,156
    How are you doing, Rob?
    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • brianluxbrianlux Moving through All Kinds of Terrain.Posts: 25,999
    edited January 2018
    Rob, I'm so glad you got through the shut down OK.  That shut down WAS a bummer!  Keep hanging in there with us!

    And Rob and others who felt like posting your names, thanks!  I totally understand people not wanting to post their name so no problem there, but I also love it when people do.  I'm pretty sure you've all ready guessed mine, lol!

    My wife and I head for Medford, Oregon for my father's memorial tomorrow (Sunday) morning which means a) not likely too have internet access since I only have this computer at home, b) having to sleep somewhere away from home which is a MAJOR anxiety producer for me (the worst, really) and, c) being scheduled to play my guitar at the memorial and wanting to honor my father by getting it right which is hard to do with old arthritic hands.  I'm a complete nervous wreck and will be SO relieved when I get home Tuesday. 
    Post edited by brianlux on
    "Love and only love will break it down"
    -Neil Young
    ***********
    M.I.T.S.





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