A safe place for anxiety sufferers to share.

RogueStoner said:

Another sleepless night. I’d love to take a nap right now but I’m not sleepy. Exhausted, but not sleepy. 

the mountains of weed you consume don't help you sleep?

camsjam said:

Just try to get on one day at a time. I felt very challenged today...almost cried several times at work-got though it but can tell I won't be sleeping tonight.  I haven't experienced the kind of anxiety you have suffered until recently. I have mostly struggled with depression. I moved back to my hometown to take care of my mom a couple of months ago.  I had a couple of great doctors--a psychiatrist and a rheumatologist and have been avoiding starting over with new doctors who don't know me. I'm out of my meds--can't refill from another state.   The thing that helped calm me that I miss the most was my dog. When I was unable to sleep I would hold out my hand and he would come up and bump his head on it. I would pet him, talk or sing to him as he curled up next to me.  I'm not sure how that would be with an OCD but maybe it could be a good thing.  Some of us are lucky to have kind and supportive people in our lives but it's mixed with the guilt and sadness that comes with having someone we love tangled in our struggles.  The other thing I wish to share is don't give up...Even if you have seen a dr. for years if you are in such a dark place...see another..and maybe another because there can be one out there who can really help you. It's tough to find but if you can do it could make such a difference. Sending healing thoughts to you and HFD.

All the best to you too.
That warmed my heart, the part about your dog. They're remarkable beings.

HughFreakingDillon said:

lastexitlondon said:

Barely existing

been there, crawled out of that. you can too. you will. 

Same, just gotta realize that it's all in your mind.

lastexitlondon said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

SmallestOceans said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

lastexitlondon said:

Barely existing

been there, crawled out of that. you can too. you will. 

Same, just gotta realize that it's all in your mind.

it's not as easy as that. I know it's all in my mind, and so does lastexit. but that doesn't really change anything. you can't will yourself out of it, nor does knowing it's an illness and not your fault help, unfortunately. you have to work at it, and that is so incredibly difficult. like telling someone with a broken leg to run a marathon. luckily for me, the meds worked. it's not like that for everyone. and every time you go through seeing someone, getting new meds, waiting for them to work, which can be weeks and in some cases months, only to have to start over again, it is so incredibly easy to just fucking give up. when every waking moment is torture, all you wish for is sleep and/or the end. you don't necessarily WANT to die, but you believe that is the only way the pain will stop, so it comes out as wishing for death. when all you are wishing for is to be back to normal. But the longer it goes on, that seems about as likely as winning the lottery or getting struck by lightning. it is so incredibly discouraging. 

This is exactly right. The sad thing is i do not think its all in my head. I 100%believe i have dementia and am dying.. now everyone else involved in this says otherwise thats what i find the hardest. Im meant to not trust my instinct or voice inside that we are from a young age told to trust and listen to. Im somehow at 42 meant to not trust myself. Im an intelligent guy well I used to be. I sitting here this afternoon after keeping busy all day forgeting things ive instantly done thinking shall i drink beer/take valium/get some wine/ or suffer more. HFD is correct i don't ever want to die but im left with the NEED for this to stop immediately as each period of illness or phantom fuckin illness ive been through turned out dr was 100%correct. But this time like all the others ik 100%sure i am right. And its worn me down to a shadow of rob fuck i don't even know rob . I wish for a fast death all the time. I have no joy in anything .
I have been lucky in that i saved money when i used work. Follwed my dream and saw PJ all over the world. I have 4 beautiful intelligent children and a partner that loves me. Ive played sports ive loved. I have done all the things i ever wanted. So im ready now to die if its quick. I won't hang on and rot away.

the physical symptoms I have, as well, make me 100% believe that the doctors and everyone else are wrong. BUT, I also know what the brain is capable of. if it is capable of moving things in my body involuntarily or causing pain when there shouldn't be any, damn rights it can cause dementia-like symptoms as a defense mechanism against itself. I 100% believe that. And you should too. 

Again, I don't want to mention my symptoms to you as I know how that works (you may appropriate the same ones without even realizing it). But just KNOW that some of the things I experience on a daily basis scare the living fuck out of me. things I see, things I experience. It's our fucked up brains doing it. once we learn to somewhat live with it, accept it for what it is, it can alleviate the symptoms to the point where you either don't notice them or they become bearable. 

I also know that drinking is a short term solution but it will cause more pain down the road. I know when I have had a few, everything is great. Then the next day, even if you don't feel hungover, the shame is a cloud that's fucking hard to get rid of. I've curbed my consumption because I was falling into that trap. I can't imagine how difficult it must be in your situation (not working). it is so easy to have one. convince yourself you're only going to have one more. ok, one more. ok, THIS IS IT. THE LAST ONE. and it ends up being 10 more. anything to numb.  you convince yourself you don't need it, you're just having fun. but you're not. you're numbing it. and it works. but numbing is temporary. and then the pain comes back worse than it was before, because now you have the pain and the shame and maybe a hangover. But hey, at least you got that 2-3 hour reprieve, right? I know. it's hard. it's fucking hard. but also, the meds won't work as well, or at all, if you are consuming alcohol. I know this. I've lived this. you can do this. decide you can do this. and you will. 

I was in a similar abyss about a year and a half ago that OP is in now, under slightly different circumstances. Took a drug I shouldn't have taken, felt bad heart cramps, had a terrible panic attack, thought I was dying, so went to the ER. I had an abnormal heart rhythm on the EKG that took about an hour or two to settle. Everything looked fine on the echocardiogram that was taken. The tightness in my chest didn't go away for the next month or two and i was CONVINCED i did some kind of damage to my heart even though the doctors said everything was fine. Got bloodwork taken and everything came back fine and I wanted to see a cardiologist.

Every day of those 3-4 months was a living hell wondering if the tightness, headaches, and brain fog that were persistent 24/7 was just from anxiety or was from heart damage. I was convinced it was the latter. Family and close friends either didn't believe me or had no clue about the existential crisis i was going through cause I hold everything in and don't want to burden anybody with my problems. I couldn't do or enjoy anything because I was convinced it was the end of me. Wrote up a will, put the fork in me. Thank god the new Metallica album just came out and was atleast able to meet me halfway. "When all is pain, may it be, it's all we've ever known". It was the only way I could justify that season in the abyss, afraid of waking life and hoping to just get any kind of sleep. Sometimes i think we choose a body/life/mind of anxiety, depression, struggles, pitstops or whatever it is cause that's how we strengthen ourselves in the long run.

Anyway I finally willed myself out of that state of perception. It wasn't until I 100% convinced myself that the tightness and cramps was just from my own anxiety. The physical symptoms slowly subsided at that point. It took months to get myself out of that maze. You can't die from a panic attack, but anxiety can DEFINITELY cause long term physical symptoms. I only bring it up because it reminds me of your story, Rob. You can get out of that maze, you just have to believe you can. Personally I learned that drinking, doctors, medications, drugs, the justice of the peace is not the answer for me. It's gotta come from the self. I wish everybody the best.