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  • catefrances
    catefrances Posts: 29,003
    'stronger than leave me the fuck alone? maybe you're right david. but you know what gives me the shits? the fact that every little god damn thing here is analysed. don't you think people are capable of doing something just for the sake of it?'

    he had me. i sat back down and crossed my legs, burying my hands under my knee.
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • karma defect
    karma defect Posts: 5,483
    The fact that every little thing here is analysed, has to do with the function of the place. He smiled. Paused for a second and deceded to cut me some slack and just reply to what I said in the doorway.
    He did so with a question as to not make it to easy, by him doing all the work.

    Don't you think people are capable of doing something just for the sake of it?
    Of course there are actions that have no deeper meaning. Usually they don't involve heavy emotions though.
    Am I right to asume you don't read as much into the night that brought you here as, let's say, your sister does?
    « One man's glory is another man's hell.
    You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
    Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
    I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
    I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
  • catefrances
    catefrances Posts: 29,003
    'we've gone through this before. for the past two weeks you've been trying to get me to say something that will satisfy you. freya doesn't understand. she's stuck in a relationship that dissatifies her and she doesn't approve of the way i live my life. i do what i want to do.'

    i paused trying to decide what to share and what to keep.

    ' do you think that i tried to kill myself because my boyfriend was leaving? i know that's what freya thinks. that i'm so weak that the thought of davey going away just broke me or something. davey left weeks before that night. i was dealing with that. i don't know what happened that night. so i can't place any importance on it. if in fact there's any to place.'
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • karma defect
    karma defect Posts: 5,483
    Whether I think you tried to kill yourself or not has to be based on what you say. Now you say that I have tried to get you to satisfy me with an answer. That’s an interesting concept. I really have no use fore satisfaction on this subject. It is you that stand to gain from it all. Your sister, your ex-lover, me or anyone else have nothing invested in this. Again whether you tried to kill yourself or not has nothing to do with what led you to do what you did. I just want you to ask yourself; Is what happened that night anything I enjoy? Do I want to cultivate that feeling?

    I want you to think about this. And know that I am not interested in what Freya has to say about you. If you have the notion that you want to pursue the out come of these questions then we can work on a plan. If not then perhaps you might know another use for your time.

    He handed me a note and said he would see me again in four days, then he told me goodbye. I stared at the note and read.

    Is what happened that night anything I enjoy?
    Do I want to cultivate that feeling?

    I didn't want to accept his words, I put them in my pocket. The ones that were now printed in my mind I couldn’t put away that easy. Who did he thought he was. Fuck him.
    « One man's glory is another man's hell.
    You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
    Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
    I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
    I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
  • catefrances
    catefrances Posts: 29,003
    i wanted to continue talking but i thought that perhaps he'd take what i had to say with more gravity if there was that distance of time. that way i guess he'd at least figure that i had thought about it, when in actual fact i had nothing to think about.
    i do enjoy the feeling that cutting gives me. if i didn't, then guess what? i wouldn't do it would i?
    do i want to cultivate that feeling? i don't even know what that means.
    i walked back to my room with my hands shoved deep into my pockets, thinking about davey.
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • karma defect
    karma defect Posts: 5,483
    I went in my room to try and sleep some time away until lunch. I wasn't supposed to be in my room at day time, but I didn't feel like anything else.
    « One man's glory is another man's hell.
    You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
    Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
    I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
    I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
  • catefrances
    catefrances Posts: 29,003
    this was worse than being in hospital. at least there, i could walk out the front door. here, it was locked and believe it or not, it was guarded. tomorrow is family day. great. sitting in a circle trying to control the urge to reach over and wring my sister's scrawny neck. i haven't seen freya since i've been here. it's the rules. they prefer the clients(how's that for a laugh?) to settle in before they see anyone from the outside. i hate the colour of these walls. my room mate jenna talks and cries in her sleep. usually it's incomprehensible. i hate it here. i don't have my books. i don't have my music. and most of all i don't have my paints. i look at the scars on my arms. i like the way they feel. my perfect skin. i am so bored i may well end up mad. we've got chores and mine this week is to lay out breakfast. it's enough to put me off food forever. maybe i could slap marie in the face. maybe they'll throw me out. maybe i should just sleep and think of........
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • karma defect
    karma defect Posts: 5,483
    The whole stay has been one big drag up to now. I got to paint twice in creative therapy, But I wanted my own stuff. Not that shitty metirial they had here. And most of all I couldn't careless what they felt from looking at my work. That was probaly the worst thing, having to discuss my work. I paint, that has aboslutely nothing to do with talking. Damn I should ask Freya if she could bring me some stuff from home.
    « One man's glory is another man's hell.
    You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
    Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
    I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
    I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
  • catefrances
    catefrances Posts: 29,003
    the door flew open.

    'you can't be in here anna'

    i looked at david. he wasn't smiling. yeah well maybe he shouldn't be in here either. that's why he's standing in the doorway. he won't come in the room.no boys in the girls' rooms. those are the rules. i say nothing and stare at the wall. my back to the door.
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • karma defect
    karma defect Posts: 5,483
    It was probable too much to hope for, but I did so anyway. Repeatedly said to myself; I want you to leave, I want you to leave.
    « One man's glory is another man's hell.
    You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
    Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
    I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
    I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
  • catefrances
    catefrances Posts: 29,003
    'anna. i'm only going to ask you once. come out of your room and join the others.'
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • karma defect
    karma defect Posts: 5,483
    I wondered what the fuck he could do to me. I couldn't relly think of anythibg so again I didn't reply.
    « One man's glory is another man's hell.
    You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
    Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
    I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
    I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
  • catefrances
    catefrances Posts: 29,003
    'you know this doesn't look good on your file. willful disobedience doesn't get you a gold star.'

    david walked away and i sat up. he's right. thet don't give out gold stars if you refuse to follow the rules. they suspend your privileges and recommend more adjustment time. i have to get out of here.
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • karma defect
    karma defect Posts: 5,483
    I realize that idea wouldn't help me. I needed to somehow give them the notion that I would play ball.
    « One man's glory is another man's hell.
    You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
    Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
    I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
    I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
  • catefrances
    catefrances Posts: 29,003
    i said nothing to david as i walked past him in the hall heading towards the rec room. with him was sara, obviuosly one of the female security counsellors. looking around and seeing no one i particularly wanted to get into a conversation with, i decided to go for a walk through the grounds. i could do this. i was half way through my "treatment". what i had to look forward to after i got out, was my painting. and drinking again.i knew just the person to help me there. i wonder if hamish would visit if i asked him. maybe i'll ask freya tomorrow to sound him out for me.
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • karma defect
    karma defect Posts: 5,483
    His total lack of respect for anything that smelled like authority would be of good use to me.
    « One man's glory is another man's hell.
    You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
    Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
    I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
    I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
  • catefrances
    catefrances Posts: 29,003
    *************
    speaking to his brother johnny about anna, hamish asked him if he's drive him up there to see her. freya had called last night and said that anna wanted to see him. but did he want to see her. hamish didn't even like zoos, so any place that locked up people was going to rub him the wrong way. he didn't think she was needed to be in a place like that. freya tried to reassure him that it was for the best, but he ignored her. he was polite but he couldn't disagree with freya more. so what if sometimes anna freaked out. at least she wasn't one of those zoned out automatons he saw trudging every day to an office job they hated purely because it was expected of them. many times over the past fortnight, hamish had picked the phone upto call davey. and every time he'd put it down. davey didn't need to know about anna. and anna didn't need him knowing.
    ever helpful johnny asked if anna couldn't just sign herself out. hamish admitted that he didn't know but, he doubted it.
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • karma defect
    karma defect Posts: 5,483
    Well, I'm up for a drive to the country. Why not? But I do want to go for a pick nick. It wouldn't be proper if we didn't.
    « One man's glory is another man's hell.
    You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
    Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
    I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
    I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
  • catefrances
    catefrances Posts: 29,003
    hamish looked at his brother.

    'how is it that you are my brother?'
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • karma defect
    karma defect Posts: 5,483
    Johnny looked like he was seriously considering giving a real answer. Instead he replied; well we have got different mothers, so if you mean why am I more sane than you Hamish? I'd say better building materials. He smiled, seemingly happy with his reply.
    « One man's glory is another man's hell.
    You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
    Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
    I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
    I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»

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