Acquaintance Rape

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  • soulsingingsoulsinging Posts: 13,202
    mookie9999 wrote:
    I agree with most of what you are saying except for you extreme version of reaching for things that are not there. Unless the OP did some drastic editing, nowhere does it mention anything about kissing, making out, etc. Furthermore, she states that she was wearing old digs she wears around the house. Put aside your speculation about what did/did not happen and we are almost on the same page.

    and i do think there was significant editing. she didnt say she wore old digs. she said what she was wearing did not matter and that it's clothing she commonly wears around the house. odd considering she also says that he explicitly mentioned that and then refuses to say just what that was. she also says it was an acquaintance and then seems to act like she barely knew the guy. there are just some odd things going on here and im not entirely sure she was pure as the driven snow while he was just this side of ted bundy. regardless, im glad she's ok and that nothing too bad happened and hope she never finds herslef in this kind of situation again.
  • mookie9999mookie9999 Posts: 4,677
    what's your point? would the video i posted make you happy? we no longer would have to worry about the power of "suggestion" ever influencing sexual behavior again. it could always be nice and professional.

    Your video was funny. Article 20? Good stuff! But with that being said, it is not indicative of what I want in life. However, since were in the mood for assuming, let's take the OP's post at face value and assume her intentions were to just watch videos in her comfy wear, now where is the "suggestion" other than from his own mind and perception? It is possible for someone to invite someone else over just for movies and drinks, is it not?
    "The leads are weak!"

    "The leads are weak? Fuckin' leads are weak? You're Weak! I've Been in this business 15 years"

    "What's your name?"

    "FUCK YOU! THAT"S MY NAME!"
  • Oooohh yeh, cos inviting someone over to watch a video is DEFINITELY sluttish for 'come shag, me horny' :rolleyes: It MAY well be... but you don't go EXPECTING it.

    I've experienced something similar from somebody I WORKED with and knew really well and had been out drinking quite a few times with. I was very very lucky that night and don't I know it... had to fight him off literally. Thankfully he was too off his face on all kinds of drugs to overpower me. It was a different story with the girl he brought home the following week though :( :mad: And I was in NO way asking for it and to even suggest otherwise, no matter how well meaning you put it, is just fucking ridiculous.
    Nowhere did I call her a slut, whore, whatever or imply that she was. Watching a movie at her house, alone, probably lights out, is basically a date. It's more of a date than going to the theater with someone. In a man's mind, that means that something is going down, I'd say 90% or more of the time. Again, not justifying or approving of his actions.

    And as far as your experience, the drugs are probably the culprit, not your co-worker. If he was "too off his face" then he obviously wasn't acting normal. You gotta be careful yourself.


    Anyway, this is a dead horse it seems, I just wanted to point out that you were putting words and ideas in my mouth.
  • mookie9999 wrote:
    It is possible for someone to invite someone else over just for movies and drinks, is it not?

    maybe if you're the same gender, and not gay. Or if its your sister (unless you live in Arkansas or West Virginia).
    "It's all happening"
  • MCGMCG Posts: 780
    tish wrote:
    Last weekend, I invited a man over to watch videos since the snow didn't call for going out for coffee. This guy took the invitation as sexual rights. Except for him (respecting) my "No's", I'd say he did everything but rape me. He said I was asking for it by the way I was dressed. And if I wouldn't do this, would I do that? And since I wouldn't do that, would I do this? In the words of Avril Lavigne, it was "badder than it sounds." I held the door open for him to leave and that took 15 painful minutes.

    The experience rates #2 in my top two worst times with a male. (The first, worst time being when I nearly divorced yet managed to help write a few hit songs...)

    That is disgusting. If you recieve anything short of a heartfelt apology you should press charges. Behavior like that should not be encouraged by letting it go unpunished.
    Which came first,
    the bad idea or me befallen by it?
  • soulsingingsoulsinging Posts: 13,202
    mookie9999 wrote:
    Your video was funny. Article 20? Good stuff! But with that being said, it is not indicative of what I want in life. However, since were in the mood for assuming, let's take the OP's post at face value and assume her intentions were to just watch videos in her comfy wear, now where is the "suggestion" other than from his own mind and perception? It is possible for someone to invite someone else over just for movies and drinks, is it not?

    it is. assuming she had no designs and she was wearing ratty old clothes like she claims, i still stand by my beliefs. maybe he's hopelessly socially inept to have read that as interest, but i still see no harm in him trying to kiss her. is that the barometer of sexual assault? doesn't matter what the perp was doing, it's all about whether or not the "victim" thought he was ugly and couldnt believe he tried to kiss her? in that event, i would say his belief in her being interested was unreasonable, but there is still no crime in him trying to kiss her if he wanted. again, the issue becomes his reaction when she tells him no. whatever his reasons for initiating contact, it is not a crime. the crime is his persistence once he KNOWS she doesn't want it. not him trying to get some when he thinks she might be ok with it.
  • MCG wrote:
    That is disgusting. If you recieve anything short of a heartfelt apology you should press charges. Behavior like that should not be encouraged by letting it go unpunished.

    his word against hers, that will go nowhere.
    "It's all happening"
  • mookie9999mookie9999 Posts: 4,677
    maybe if you're the same gender, and not gay. Or if its your sister (unless you live in Arkansas or West Virginia).

    LOL. But seriously, as a guy you may be hoping that movies = sex, but to assume and expect followed by being disappointed is asinine. That's the problem I've had with this thread. A lot of guys on here seem that expecting sex is ok up until the point of her saying no. As a guy in a committed relationship, I'm saying to hope is fine, to expect is foolish. That is all.
    "The leads are weak!"

    "The leads are weak? Fuckin' leads are weak? You're Weak! I've Been in this business 15 years"

    "What's your name?"

    "FUCK YOU! THAT"S MY NAME!"
  • mookie9999 wrote:
    LOL. But seriously, as a guy you may be hoping that movies = sex, but to assume and expect followed by being disappointed is asinine. That's the problem I've had with this thread. A lot of guys on here seem that expecting sex is ok up until the point of her saying no. As a guy in a committed relationship, I'm saying to hope is fine, to expect is foolish. That is all.

    I'm not saying the guy wasn't way out of line.....but to accuse him of rape is way off base.
    "It's all happening"
  • MCGMCG Posts: 780
    his word against hers, that will go nowhere.

    You don't necessarily need a conviction to deter this behavior. The embarassment of being accused of a sexual crime that your parents, family and friends all hear about would likely be enough of a deterent to keep him from doing it again at least. 2 or 3 accusations against this guy and the authorities would likely realize where there is smoke there is fire.

    More often than not, women don't report these things because they don't think anything will come of it and it leads to the guy thinking he has a free pass to do it again. Reporting it may not directly help the victim but it could prevent there from being future victims.
    Which came first,
    the bad idea or me befallen by it?
  • redrockredrock Posts: 18,341
    I'm not saying the guy wasn't way out of line.....but to accuse him of rape is way off base.

    This is what the original poster said: "I'd say he did everything but rape me." She did not accuse him of rape.

    Maybe this original post can open up the debate of 'date rape' instead of being extremely judgemental and accusatory. If the person had been 'nastier' maybe she wouldn't have been so lucky.
  • redrock wrote:
    This is what the original poster said: "I'd say he did everything but rape me." She did not accuse him of rape.

    Maybe this original post can open up the debate of 'date rape' instead of being extremely judgmental and accusatory. If the person had been 'nastier' maybe she wouldn't have been so lucky.


    She titled the thread "Acquaintance Rape" thats misleading.
    "It's all happening"
  • redrockredrock Posts: 18,341
    She titled the thread "Acquaintance Rape" thats misleading.

    The thread title doesn't mean much, what is said in the original post does. The thing is that it could have led to a date rape. As I said, we can see the title as a more general debate on the subject. You seem to take this too personally and too much at heart.
  • She titled the thread "Acquaintance Rape" thats misleading.

    what really confuses me about the OP is that it says he "respected" her no's. so it seems like he kept "suggesting" they do stuff, and was basically being an ass for not leaving when asked, but he didn't actually assault her...but how is all this "respectful"? I don't know the story is just extremely confusing.

    And also, how does snow preclude a coffee date? He still had to go out to her house. Whether it was laziness or originally wanting to get some or something, she had some alteria motive she is not telling us about. Not that it justifies the guy's bad behavior, but I don't think we have this entire story in front of us.
  • what really confuses me about the OP is that it says he "respected" her no's. so it seems like he kept "suggesting" they do stuff, and was basically being an ass for not leaving when asked, but he didn't actually assault her...but how is all this "respectful"? I don't know the story is just extremely confusing.

    And also, how does snow preclude a coffee date? He still had to go out to her house. Whether it was laziness or originally wanting to get some or something, she had some alteria motive she is not telling us about. Not that it justifies the guy's bad behavior, but I don't think we have this entire story in front of us.

    I would love to hear HIS side of this story.
    "It's all happening"
  • soulsingingsoulsinging Posts: 13,202
    mookie9999 wrote:
    LOL. But seriously, as a guy you may be hoping that movies = sex, but to assume and expect followed by being disappointed is asinine. That's the problem I've had with this thread. A lot of guys on here seem that expecting sex is ok up until the point of her saying no. As a guy in a committed relationship, I'm saying to hope is fine, to expect is foolish. That is all.

    so how does one find out if that hope can become reality without trying? aside from having an attorney draw up papers like in the video i suggested?
  • mookie9999 wrote:
    LOL. But seriously, as a guy you may be hoping that movies = sex, but to assume and expect followed by being disappointed is asinine. That's the problem I've had with this thread. A lot of guys on here seem that expecting sex is ok up until the point of her saying no. As a guy in a committed relationship, I'm saying to hope is fine, to expect is foolish. That is all.

    hehe once this guy whom I knew and had gone on a few dates with but had become mostly just platonic with asked if I wanted to "watch a movie" one night. I totally assumed he wanted to hook up! I was fine with that idea...so he comes over...and he really just wanted to watch a movie! I felt very foolish!
  • in_hiding79in_hiding79 Posts: 4,315
    She wasn't raped....

    Did he hit her, did her call her a whore?

    She wasn't assaulted and she wasn't raped!

    She was made uncomfortable by a guy who was horny and eager to get it on by a woman who INVITED him over. He didn't pin her down and hold her against her will!

    She even stated that she didn't know the guy to well. That isn't smart!
    And so the lion fell in love with the lamb...,"
    "What a stupid lamb."
    "What a sick, masochistic lion."
  • The ChampThe Champ Posts: 4,063
    She wasn't raped....

    Did he hit her, did her call her a whore?

    She wasn't assaulted and she wasn't raped!

    She was made uncomfortable by a guy who was horny and eager to get it on by a woman who INVITED him over. He didn't pin her down and hold her against her will!

    She even stated that she didn't know the guy to well. That isn't smart!

    As a warning, if you invite me over to watch some dumb fucking movie, fully expect me to make a move early. This way if you turn me down, maybe I'd still make happy hour..
    'I want to hurry home to you
    put on a slow, dumb show for you
    and crack you up
    so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain
    god I'm very, very frightening
    and I'll overdo it'
  • drivingrl wrote:
    It's called self-restraint. If a woman says "no," that's the end of the discussion. Period. No matter what she's wearing, no matter what she says, no means no. Any other response is a lack of self-restraint on the man's part.

    If I were you, I'd be very careful about saying things like this. It is never the victim's fault.
    Agreed. I don't see why her choice of clothing is even up for discussion. That's like saying if a guy driving a fancy car and wearing an expensive watch asks me out I not only have the right to expect that he'll pay for the date, but that if he refuses I can then take his car and a couple credit cards cause he led me on. :rolleyes:
    There's a light when my baby's in my arms :)
  • drivingrldrivingrl Posts: 1,448
    She wasn't raped! There was no victim! She just had some awkward moments on a date. People throw that term around too loosely.

    It doesn't have to go as far as rape. It's an imbalance of power I'm referring to. That threat or that feeling like a situation is out of your control.
    drivingrl: "Will I ever get to meet Gwen Stefani?"
    kevinbeetle: "Yes. When her career washes up and her and Gavin move to Galveston, you will meet her at Hot Topic shopping for a Japanese cheerleader outfit.

    Next!"
  • mookie9999mookie9999 Posts: 4,677
    so how does one find out if that hope can become reality without trying? aside from having an attorney draw up papers like in the video i suggested?

    So he makes a move, she says no, c'est finit! This guy allegedly hung around for another 15 minutes and blamed it on her clothing. That's all. I'm not trying to hinder anyone from making a move, but if all he's going off of (or getting off on) is her outfit, then he might be grasping at straws.
    "The leads are weak!"

    "The leads are weak? Fuckin' leads are weak? You're Weak! I've Been in this business 15 years"

    "What's your name?"

    "FUCK YOU! THAT"S MY NAME!"
  • soulsingingsoulsinging Posts: 13,202
    Agreed. I don't see why her choice of clothing is even up for discussion. That's like saying if a guy driving a fancy car and wearing an expensive watch asks me out I not only have the right to expect that he'll pay for the date,

    yes. you are welcome to your hopes and expectations based on your perceptions.
    but that if he refuses I can then take his car and a couple credit cards cause he led me on. :rolleyes:

    no. you are not allowed to force the other party to live up to them once it is clear they have said they will not.

    is this really so hard for you all to comprehend?
  • soulsingingsoulsinging Posts: 13,202
    mookie9999 wrote:
    So he makes a move, she says no, c'est finit! This guy allegedly hung around for another 15 minutes and blamed it on her clothing. That's all. I'm not trying to hinder anyone from making a move, but if all he's going off of (or getting off on) is her outfit, then he might be grasping at straws.

    so what? poor judgment is not a crime. his misreading of the situation is not a crime, nor is his trying to find out if he was right sexual assault. it is his behavior AFTER he found out that those perceptions were wrong that is sexual harassment or assault. which is what i've been saying this whole time. that his behavior after she said no is wrong, period. but that whatever he did before that is "just tryin to get laid."
  • mookie9999mookie9999 Posts: 4,677
    hehe once this guy whom I knew and had gone on a few dates with but had become mostly just platonic with asked if I wanted to "watch a movie" one night. I totally assumed he wanted to hook up! I was fine with that idea...so he comes over...and he really just wanted to watch a movie! I felt very foolish!

    :D
    "The leads are weak!"

    "The leads are weak? Fuckin' leads are weak? You're Weak! I've Been in this business 15 years"

    "What's your name?"

    "FUCK YOU! THAT"S MY NAME!"
  • soulsingingsoulsinging Posts: 13,202
    drivingrl wrote:
    It doesn't have to go as far as rape. It's an imbalance of power I'm referring to. That threat or that feeling like a situation is out of your control.

    so now all men are guilty of any crimes you think they might possibly commit? if i say hello and you think "jesus, he could rape me" then i am guilty of sexual harassment and assault? if you go on a blind date and the guy turns out to be kinda ugly and creepy, you should be able to press charges based on him making you feel uncomfortable, regardless of what he did?
  • drivingrl wrote:
    It doesn't have to go as far as rape. It's an imbalance of power I'm referring to. That threat or that feeling like a situation is out of your control.

    I know the feeling you are referring to (what woman doesn't) and that's when you have to take control back.
  • mookie9999mookie9999 Posts: 4,677
    so now all men are guilty of any crimes you think they might possibly commit? if i say hello and you think "jesus, he could rape me" then i am guilty of sexual harassment and assault? if you go on a blind date and the guy turns out to be kinda ugly and creepy, you should be able to press charges based on him making you feel uncomfortable, regardless of what he did?


    On principle, and principle alone, you are right on most accounts, yet you are pullling extreme examples out of the sky and presenting them as true (see post above). I can't speak for everyone on here, but personally, the problem I have with you and otherss (on this subject) is the justification and expectation of something based on clothing that may or may not have been worn. These are people not objects were talking about. If I was taken to Baskin Robbins I would have the right to expect some ice cream, if I'm headed over to a girls house I don't have the same right with sex. Sorry you can't see how this might be offensive to some. You bet your ass I'm hoping for some fun times, but wouldn't base any decisions on what she was wearing, but rather how the evening was progressing.
    "The leads are weak!"

    "The leads are weak? Fuckin' leads are weak? You're Weak! I've Been in this business 15 years"

    "What's your name?"

    "FUCK YOU! THAT"S MY NAME!"
  • soulsingingsoulsinging Posts: 13,202
    mookie9999 wrote:
    On principle, and principle alone, you are right on most accounts, yet you are pullling extreme examples out of the sky and presenting them as true (see post above). I can't speak for everyone on here, but personally, the problem I have with you and otherss (on this subject) is the justification and expectation of something based on clothing that may or may not have been worn. These are people not objects were talking about. If I was taken to Baskin Robbins I would have the right to expect some ice cream, if I'm headed over to a girls house I don't have the same right with sex. Sorry you can't see how this might be offensive to some. You bet your ass I'm hoping for some fun times, but wouldn't base any decisions on what she was wearing, but rather how the evening was progressing.

    that is part of what im basing it on... how the evening was progressing. she barely knows this guy. she calls him up on a dark and snowy evening. asks if he wants to come over and watch a late movie alone with her. he shows up, sees she is dressed appealingly... im not alone in thinking this sounds like a pretty classic booty call.

    also, where di i ever say anyone has a right to sex? show me where? i said he does nothing wrong by reading the situation and maybe getting it wrong. he has a right to think whatever the hell he wants of the situation adn the right to find out by making a move. it is only once his advance is rejected and he continues on that he does something wrong. he has no right to sex. he has every right to think that's what he's being called over for and to find out. he does not have a right to persist on his course after she says no.

    to say that he is wrong for what he thinks, regardless of what he bases that on, is what i find offensive... and i think it is what the men here are reacting to. we are not just being told what actions we can and cannot take, we are being told by women that we are not allowed to think certain thoughts regardless of what she is doing.

    also, if this had been a guy she liked and wanted to sleep with and everything else had been the same and he had not made any moves all night, she would be on here in this post bitching about how guys dont pick up on anything and what does she have to do to get his attention.
  • mookie9999mookie9999 Posts: 4,677
    to say that he is wrong for what he thinks, regardless of what he bases that on, is what i find offensive... and i think it is what the men here are reacting to. we are not just being told what actions we can and cannot take, we are being told by women that we are not allowed to think certain thoughts regardless of what she is doing.


    Maybe he is just a really bad read on people. If she exuding signs such as making advances or not turning down his advances then this thread wouldn't exist either. If he is that bad a read maybe I could play him in Poker, cause I'm a shitty gambler! You didn't say he had a right to sex, but you created and continue to create a situation that may not have happened (her dressing sexy, acting like a booty call, etc.). Until she comes back on and gives more details there really isn't any other place for this conversation to go other than even further examples of speculation. I'm out.
    "The leads are weak!"

    "The leads are weak? Fuckin' leads are weak? You're Weak! I've Been in this business 15 years"

    "What's your name?"

    "FUCK YOU! THAT"S MY NAME!"
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