A safe place for anxiety sufferers to share.

HughFreakingDillon

Matts3221 said:

Thank you so much Lastexit

I am slowly coming down but still up there. I realize that I have wasted a large amount of my early 20's in fear that I was dying and can never get those days back.

As I sat back in my office and just closed my eyes and started to breath I opened them to an email. A client of mine lost their wife ( only 47 ) less than a month ago , he said he was not able to call me because it is still to early.

This in turn moved by brain around , this poor man would give anything to have a second back of his life with his wife. I have my wife , my cats , my house , friends , health ect ect ect.

I am so sorry for this man at the same time he brought me out of this funk. Again thank you lastexit just to know you care enough for me that you would log on each hour is pretty amazing. This whole group is something I am happy to be a part of , I hope one day to cross paths with all of you.

Still up there but I would say I was at a 10 on anxiety when I wrote the first message but have come down to a 6-7.

a lot of us come around to the fact that we believe we wasted much of our time, but no time is truly wasted. you needed to "waste" that time to come that realization to live a better life. that's what I learned about bad relationships: none of them are wasted time if we learn from them. 

lastexitlondon

We sure made better people of ourselves in those dark moments. As humans  we learned compassion 

Matts3221

HughFreakingDillon said:

Matts3221 said:

Thank you so much Lastexit

I am slowly coming down but still up there. I realize that I have wasted a large amount of my early 20's in fear that I was dying and can never get those days back.

As I sat back in my office and just closed my eyes and started to breath I opened them to an email. A client of mine lost their wife ( only 47 ) less than a month ago , he said he was not able to call me because it is still to early.

This in turn moved by brain around , this poor man would give anything to have a second back of his life with his wife. I have my wife , my cats , my house , friends , health ect ect ect.

I am so sorry for this man at the same time he brought me out of this funk. Again thank you lastexit just to know you care enough for me that you would log on each hour is pretty amazing. This whole group is something I am happy to be a part of , I hope one day to cross paths with all of you.

Still up there but I would say I was at a 10 on anxiety when I wrote the first message but have come down to a 6-7.

a lot of us come around to the fact that we believe we wasted much of our time, but no time is truly wasted. you needed to "waste" that time to come that realization to live a better life. that's what I learned about bad relationships: none of them are wasted time if we learn from them. 

Yeah years ago I had surgery and nearly died during it ( 26 , Kidney surgery and my Kidney ruptured ) this was during the worst moments of my anxiety and depression.  Woke up in the ICU having no idea what was going on and about 30 hours later woke up and was in the hospital for 10 days. During that time I was at a job I hated , was just not happy with life and all I could think was " So if I had never woken up , that's it ? The last thing on your mind was how unhappy your job made you before you die" Changed a lot of stuff around me after that , left my job found another , took life in a lot more. Its sad that a near death experience was what I needed at that time to make a life change.

All I can do is look forward with pride and hope that I am being the best human I can be.

That 6-7 is now hovering around a 5.

RunIntoTheRain

lastexitlondon said:

I never expected any feeling from this song. 
And i found it hard to absorb anything. 
Im having  so many emotions right  now .
I fuckin  hate what ive become and cant find a way back. I saw a psychologist  Monday  and my gp yesterday. 
 Man if only i had recorded it. I am alone with this . And from  here  on in i have to not  care. But my soul  cares.
Im a great human i know this i have proof everyday.  It counts for nothing  in the end. Only how others will look back and say i knew rob. Good guy.big heart.
But as for my remaining days nobody is inside me only me. 

You are a great human. I've never met you but I know that you are. It DOES count right now that you are a great human and it matters that you are here. Keep being here Rob. Keep trying. You matter.

P.S. I love the new song.

JPPJ84

Matts3221 said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

Matts3221 said:

Thank you so much Lastexit

I am slowly coming down but still up there. I realize that I have wasted a large amount of my early 20's in fear that I was dying and can never get those days back.

As I sat back in my office and just closed my eyes and started to breath I opened them to an email. A client of mine lost their wife ( only 47 ) less than a month ago , he said he was not able to call me because it is still to early.

This in turn moved by brain around , this poor man would give anything to have a second back of his life with his wife. I have my wife , my cats , my house , friends , health ect ect ect.

I am so sorry for this man at the same time he brought me out of this funk. Again thank you lastexit just to know you care enough for me that you would log on each hour is pretty amazing. This whole group is something I am happy to be a part of , I hope one day to cross paths with all of you.

Still up there but I would say I was at a 10 on anxiety when I wrote the first message but have come down to a 6-7.

a lot of us come around to the fact that we believe we wasted much of our time, but no time is truly wasted. you needed to "waste" that time to come that realization to live a better life. that's what I learned about bad relationships: none of them are wasted time if we learn from them. 

Yeah years ago I had surgery and nearly died during it ( 26 , Kidney surgery and my Kidney ruptured ) this was during the worst moments of my anxiety and depression.  Woke up in the ICU having no idea what was going on and about 30 hours later woke up and was in the hospital for 10 days. During that time I was at a job I hated , was just not happy with life and all I could think was " So if I had never woken up , that's it ? The last thing on your mind was how unhappy your job made you before you die" Changed a lot of stuff around me after that , left my job found another , took life in a lot more. Its sad that a near death experience was what I needed at that time to make a life change.

All I can do is look forward with pride and hope that I am being the best human I can be.

That 6-7 is now hovering around a 5.

Hi Matt, 
reading your posts I always find your honesty and self-reflection so astonishing and I think it helps you to find a way to get yourself into a better spot again after a rough patch. To pick yourself up and try things like sports to get better takes strength.
 I’m wishing you all the best 

Matts3221

JPPJ84 said:

Matts3221 said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

Matts3221 said:

Thank you so much Lastexit

I am slowly coming down but still up there. I realize that I have wasted a large amount of my early 20's in fear that I was dying and can never get those days back.

As I sat back in my office and just closed my eyes and started to breath I opened them to an email. A client of mine lost their wife ( only 47 ) less than a month ago , he said he was not able to call me because it is still to early.

This in turn moved by brain around , this poor man would give anything to have a second back of his life with his wife. I have my wife , my cats , my house , friends , health ect ect ect.

I am so sorry for this man at the same time he brought me out of this funk. Again thank you lastexit just to know you care enough for me that you would log on each hour is pretty amazing. This whole group is something I am happy to be a part of , I hope one day to cross paths with all of you.

Still up there but I would say I was at a 10 on anxiety when I wrote the first message but have come down to a 6-7.

a lot of us come around to the fact that we believe we wasted much of our time, but no time is truly wasted. you needed to "waste" that time to come that realization to live a better life. that's what I learned about bad relationships: none of them are wasted time if we learn from them. 

Yeah years ago I had surgery and nearly died during it ( 26 , Kidney surgery and my Kidney ruptured ) this was during the worst moments of my anxiety and depression.  Woke up in the ICU having no idea what was going on and about 30 hours later woke up and was in the hospital for 10 days. During that time I was at a job I hated , was just not happy with life and all I could think was " So if I had never woken up , that's it ? The last thing on your mind was how unhappy your job made you before you die" Changed a lot of stuff around me after that , left my job found another , took life in a lot more. Its sad that a near death experience was what I needed at that time to make a life change.

All I can do is look forward with pride and hope that I am being the best human I can be.

That 6-7 is now hovering around a 5.

Hi Matt, 
reading your posts I always find your honesty and self-reflection so astonishing and I think it helps you to find a way to get yourself into a better spot again after a rough patch. To pick yourself up and try things like sports to get better takes strength.
 I’m wishing you all the best 

yeah life is short for not being honest , I would journal all the time in the past , a lot of it I would just throw away after but I found that if I just was writing about why I was upset over something or sad that I would find my way thru it with words. I know that does not work for everyone. I try it all Writing , Therapy , Meds , Gym , Mindfulness. Something has got to stick and I find that all of those together work for me.  As I get older ( not that 41 is old ) I just see more and more that I don't want to waste away. I accept that I will have days that are rough for the rest of my life. It is what it is but I know I will have way more good than bad. In the grand scheme of things I am a very lucky person and I have a wonderful life. I can pay my bills , have a little savings , would like a little more money for travel but I work for a non-profit and I enjoy my job day in and out , not something a lot of people can say. I don't grade my life on money but happiness.

Thank you for the compliment , I think the stigma of what we suffer thru is getting less and less but I feel if you are 100% honest people feel at ease. I truly appreciate each and ever human on this thread who has nice things to say to anyone or any advice we give one another.

Love to everyone.

oftenreading

HughFreakingDillon said:

Matts3221 said:

Thank you so much Lastexit

I am slowly coming down but still up there. I realize that I have wasted a large amount of my early 20's in fear that I was dying and can never get those days back.

As I sat back in my office and just closed my eyes and started to breath I opened them to an email. A client of mine lost their wife ( only 47 ) less than a month ago , he said he was not able to call me because it is still to early.

This in turn moved by brain around , this poor man would give anything to have a second back of his life with his wife. I have my wife , my cats , my house , friends , health ect ect ect.

I am so sorry for this man at the same time he brought me out of this funk. Again thank you lastexit just to know you care enough for me that you would log on each hour is pretty amazing. This whole group is something I am happy to be a part of , I hope one day to cross paths with all of you.

Still up there but I would say I was at a 10 on anxiety when I wrote the first message but have come down to a 6-7.

a lot of us come around to the fact that we believe we wasted much of our time, but no time is truly wasted. you needed to "waste" that time to come that realization to live a better life. that's what I learned about bad relationships: none of them are wasted time if we learn from them. 

I agree. Everything we experience goes into making us who and what we are. Some of it is crummy, some of it is boring, and if we are lucky, some of it gets us in touch with the wonder that is our world. None of it is wasted, unless we refuse to learn and grow. 

Fifthelement

Really feeling the love and positivity around here today.  Matts I hope you were able to get yourself down below a five today.  Thinking of you and definitely sending good vibes your way.

Thoughts_Arrive

Great to see Matts and Rob supporting each other here.

Thoughts_Arrive

The depression has returned for me. I feel so lost, confused, hopeless and grief stricken. 

lastexitlondon

Matt i read your last post and cried because  you sound so much like me. I used to journal only to read  back and find sorrow repeated so i stopped. I may start again after reading  this. 
I wanted my kids to be able to read it when im gone. Always a morbid  reason though  and i now wouldnt want them to see the depth of my sorrow.
 T.A i feel you.  That hollow feeling is recognizable  when its coming.

mickeyrat

lastexitlondon said:

Matt i read your last post and cried because  you sound so much like me. I used to journal only to read  back and find sorrow repeated so i stopped. I may start again after reading  this. 
I wanted my kids to be able to read it when im gone. Always a morbid  reason though  and i now wouldnt want them to see the depth of my sorrow.
 T.A i feel you.  That hollow feeling is recognizable  when its coming.

yeah but it may provide answers as to who dad is/was and why things were as they were......

mickeyrat

am curious though Rob, did the writing of the journey provide any relief? if so, dont read it......just write it.

lastexitlondon

True mickey. My 3 older kids suffer and real bad atm. The guilt i carry as i see them mirror  me is huge. I guess they know me and themselves really well. 
Im in their  lives almost daily despite being all most house bound atm.
Via phone yesterday my 18 year old and 21 year old needed my support.
We are all very open but that also has a down side , its all very visable and im sure they absorb my sorrow. I want them to be 18 and 21 and see the world with a free spirit sadly its not been that way and my 16 year old is house bound with extreme fear already. So all 3 that i do not live with anymore are in deep shit . My 2 year old i live with has no idea yet and its ad much as i can do to hold tight to her blank canvas and bo matter what do not pass on fear and  anxiety.
I have this balance in my head that tips one way to the other. Saying stay  alive and try fix or all. 
Then  it says go now and dont damage thos new life and theirs  anymore.
Now suicide damages all involved for lifetimes i know  this. I see a young lad around this  town that i knew his dad and i want to go hug him and say thats from your dad. His dad was a lovely man who took his life years ago when this lad was  young.  
It kept me going a while  . That thought  of the lad not ever  hugging  his dad in times of joy or sorrow as we as parents mainly get the sorrow. But thats ok. 

lastexitlondon

mickeyrat said:

am curious though Rob, did the writing of the journey provide any relief? if so, dont read it......just write it.

It actually made me feel pathetic. And useless . My now partner said why are you reliving your  pain and it was kind of confirming my sorrow was every single minute of my day. Sadly

hedonist

Maybe think of it as releasing your pain, not reliving it?

Good thoughts for your children and, of course, for you.

JPPJ84

Thoughts_Arrive said:

The depression has returned for me. I feel so lost, confused, hopeless and grief stricken. 

Maybe it’s the stress of wanting to change something, namely selling the house and moving out. Don’t let fear cripple you, there’s a whole life waiting for you to actually live it. 

Change can be really good, embrace it 

Thoughts_Arrive

^ ^ and thinking my best friend is mad at me.
I feel sick in the stomach.

JPPJ84

Thoughts_Arrive said:

^ ^ and thinking my best friend is mad at me.
I feel sick in the stomach.

Try to be strong and don’t just say you’re not and give up. You need the change, M! I know what I told you about my friend and me may have seemed harsh but just consider it. It might be that your friend has a reaction like me. Don’t be like my friend. Get out of your comfort zone and take a risk

lastexitlondon

There is no failure only lessons and growth. I told this to my 18 year old daughter  yesterday. 

Thoughts_Arrive

I apologised to him and he said I'm alright. I guess that means it's all good unless he doesn't want to tell me he really is.
He's just holding me to my word that I'm selling the property and looking to move out.

lastexitlondon

hedonist said:

Maybe think of it as releasing your pain, not reliving it?

Good thoughts for your children and, of course, for you.

Thank you it means a lot that all over the world at the same time we are thinking  of others and not so much ourselves. I often think  of all of us who visit here  and it does keep a dark thought  out for  a moment

lastexitlondon

Living with a chronic illness is the hardest when you want to fly and the illness says no. 
So i want to say if you physically can do it . No matter how small . Do it

Thoughts_Arrive

Yeah anxiety stops me often. All the what if's

JPPJ84

Thoughts_Arrive said:

Yeah anxiety stops me often. All the what if's

Next time you’re anxious to do something, ask yourself, what if this could be good?

Thoughts_Arrive

Yeah, my best friend said it can be a good thing as it motivates us to do something.

mickeyrat

Thoughts_Arrive said:

^ ^ and thinking my best friend is mad at me.
I feel sick in the stomach.

thinking it. is it factually true?

so what if he is? are you supposed to be miserable in your parents house so he can live in yours? dont you have the right at the chance for peace somewhere else?

if he really truly is a friend shouldnt he care about your wellbeing?

Thoughts_Arrive

who knows, I'd like to hope not. 

Thoughts_Arrive

what a day of extreme emotions. All the negative emotions and then excitement at hearing my own song for the first time after I received it back from my friend who produced it in his home studio.

lastexitlondon

Care about the  important  things.  Let go of all the  what ifs and non important trivia.
Life is short.
Keep this in mind.
At anytime it can all be very very different trust me on that