A safe place for anxiety sufferers to share.

Matts3221

lastexitlondon said:

What a wonderful letter to have and read when you feel this way. 

OnWis97

Lastexitlondon just (indirectly) reminded me of this thread in another thread...I checked this out a couple of weeks ago and it's old/long enough that I don't even remember whether I've ever posted on it.  But I have OCD and I think it's great that people can use this median to chat about something that, despite some progress, still has a lot of stigma.  I recently broke my arm (well, small fracture) and nobody questions it, even though they don't see a cast. But with mental injuries/illness, it's a different story.

Some of us are not ready to talk about it in person and I think this is a great median to talk with semi-anonymous people that have at least one thing in common. I always hid this. Always. Then one day three years ago, we had ten guys drinking around a campfire and one of them says "I want everyone to say something that you're usually uncomfortable saying." Some people embraced it and some were hesitant. It was during this that I decided I was going to talk about it. For me, it was a huge moment. I suddenly stopped having this shame. I don't bring it up a lot or tell people while small-talking out and about but I don't pretend as much with people that matter.

For me, OCD comes out in large part as absolutely not wanting to have a negative impact on anything, which has made Covid tough. I was already a bit of a germaphobe (I probably wash my hands a bit more than most, but not 50 times a day or anything) but the most bizarre things I have ever done include:

• Realizing my wife bought seven postcards on a trip and we were charged for six. I contemplated sending a dollar to the store in the mail with a note. This bugged me for days as my inability to accept underpaying clashed with my self-consciousness. I think I ended up figuring out that I was wrong and there was no error (it was along process that included the use of google earth).
• Walking my dog, I get upset when she pees on trash because I think someone might pick it up (like the dog pee is deadly poison). So I'll pick it up with a dog poop bag. OK; no biggie. But I had this period of time when I'd freak out if she peed on actual nature. I once took a stick home, washed it and brought it back. A stick. That was probably my peak.
  
• I worked out at one of those 24-hour fitness places (Snap Fitness) and I could see all the people come to the door, ding their card and walk away. Realistically that's almost certainly to let their insurance companies think they're going the 12 times a month that gives them a payback. While I'm not pro-snitching, I struggle with what crimes to "report." I never did anything about this (in fact, this doesn't belong on this list, but it contributes to my next point). 

I'd seen several counselors and about that third bullet, I had one tell me to just work out where I could not see it happening (which was impossible). He was ultimately just a guy that talked with me for an hour. The next counselor told me to actually look this kind of thing in the face and get used to having it front of me (more or less become desensitized to it). This worked much better; I cannot run from it. I have to confront it and acknowledge to myself the irrationality of my feelings. 

I'm taking medication, which, to be frank, works better than therapy. That's not advice; just my experience. No side effects, far less dwelling on things that are truly unimportant...though maybe still regard a few unimportant things as important.

(there are times when OCD helps me; I think it's why I am in such good cardio shape. I hate to miss and work out about 350 days a year)

My fear to do anything negatively impactful to anyone often comes out in guilt...sometimes years after the fact. I'm not a "music saved my life" guy. I'm just a guy who likes what he likes. In fact, there's only one lyric that really ever helped my beyond entertainment: "You can spend your time alone redigesting past regrets...or you can come to terms and realize you're the only one who cannot forgive yourself. Makes much more sense to live in the present tense."

I wish you all the best with your mental health journeys.

HughFreakingDillon

OnWis97 said:

Lastexitlondon just (indirectly) reminded me of this thread in another thread...I checked this out a couple of weeks ago and it's old/long enough that I don't even remember whether I've ever posted on it.  But I have OCD and I think it's great that people can use this median to chat about something that, despite some progress, still has a lot of stigma.  I recently broke my arm (well, small fracture) and nobody questions it, even though they don't see a cast. But with mental injuries/illness, it's a different story.

Some of us are not ready to talk about it in person and I think this is a great median to talk with semi-anonymous people that have at least one thing in common. I always hid this. Always. Then one day three years ago, we had ten guys drinking around a campfire and one of them says "I want everyone to say something that you're usually uncomfortable saying." Some people embraced it and some were hesitant. It was during this that I decided I was going to talk about it. For me, it was a huge moment. I suddenly stopped having this shame. I don't bring it up a lot or tell people while small-talking out and about but I don't pretend as much with people that matter.

For me, OCD comes out in large part as absolutely not wanting to have a negative impact on anything, which has made Covid tough. I was already a bit of a germaphobe (I probably wash my hands a bit more than most, but not 50 times a day or anything) but the most bizarre things I have ever done include:

• Realizing my wife bought seven postcards on a trip and we were charged for six. I contemplated sending a dollar to the store in the mail with a note. This bugged me for days as my inability to accept underpaying clashed with my self-consciousness. I think I ended up figuring out that I was wrong and there was no error (it was along process that included the use of google earth).
• Walking my dog, I get upset when she pees on trash because I think someone might pick it up (like the dog pee is deadly poison). So I'll pick it up with a dog poop bag. OK; no biggie. But I had this period of time when I'd freak out if she peed on actual nature. I once took a stick home, washed it and brought it back. A stick. That was probably my peak.
  
• I worked out at one of those 24-hour fitness places (Snap Fitness) and I could see all the people come to the door, ding their card and walk away. Realistically that's almost certainly to let their insurance companies think they're going the 12 times a month that gives them a payback. While I'm not pro-snitching, I struggle with what crimes to "report." I never did anything about this (in fact, this doesn't belong on this list, but it contributes to my next point). 

I'd seen several counselors and about that third bullet, I had one tell me to just work out where I could not see it happening (which was impossible). He was ultimately just a guy that talked with me for an hour. The next counselor told me to actually look this kind of thing in the face and get used to having it front of me (more or less become desensitized to it). This worked much better; I cannot run from it. I have to confront it and acknowledge to myself the irrationality of my feelings. 

I'm taking medication, which, to be frank, works better than therapy. That's not advice; just my experience. No side effects, far less dwelling on things that are truly unimportant...though maybe still regard a few unimportant things as important.

(there are times when OCD helps me; I think it's why I am in such good cardio shape. I hate to miss and work out about 350 days a year)

My fear to do anything negatively impactful to anyone often comes out in guilt...sometimes years after the fact. I'm not a "music saved my life" guy. I'm just a guy who likes what he likes. In fact, there's only one lyric that really ever helped my beyond entertainment: "You can spend your time alone redigesting past regrets...or you can come to terms and realize you're the only one who cannot forgive yourself. Makes much more sense to live in the present tense."

I wish you all the best with your mental health journeys.

excellent post. thanks for sharing. 

one day, at the height of my anxiety/depression, i just decided, "fuck it", and I unloaded on facebook. It wasn't a "woe is me" post. It was a "treat people nicely as you never know what they are dealing with; this is me, if you think of me as just the funny guy who makes jokes all the time, that's fine, but this is me behind the curtain, and if it helps anyone feel not so alone, then it was worth it". I should have turned off the comments, as a lot of them were pitying me, which I so did not want. that was the worst part of it. feeling like people felt sorry for me, when the object of the post was to empower myself to be ok with who I am. 

then at work some people started asking me on a daily basis in a soft voice "how ya doin' today" and I'd always try to be honest, but sometimes I just felt like people were treating me differently. DON'T DO THIS. I want you to act as if I'm a normal person, because I AM. for me, depression isn't being sad all the time. it's being really sad some of the time. and constantly being asked about it is depressing as fuck. 

and yes, onwis97, that lyric quote is one of the most relatable I've seen. 

OffSheGoes35

I can see how that hesitant checking in would seem like people are treating you differently, but some people get upset if they tell you something that meaningful to them and then you just act like everything is normal. I guess the safe thing to do would be to ask if they want you to check in with them.

hedonist

OnWis97 said:

Lastexitlondon just (indirectly) reminded me of this thread in another thread...I checked this out a couple of weeks ago and it's old/long enough that I don't even remember whether I've ever posted on it.  But I have OCD and I think it's great that people can use this median to chat about something that, despite some progress, still has a lot of stigma.  I recently broke my arm (well, small fracture) and nobody questions it, even though they don't see a cast. But with mental injuries/illness, it's a different story.

Some of us are not ready to talk about it in person and I think this is a great median to talk with semi-anonymous people that have at least one thing in common. I always hid this. Always. Then one day three years ago, we had ten guys drinking around a campfire and one of them says "I want everyone to say something that you're usually uncomfortable saying." Some people embraced it and some were hesitant. It was during this that I decided I was going to talk about it. For me, it was a huge moment. I suddenly stopped having this shame. I don't bring it up a lot or tell people while small-talking out and about but I don't pretend as much with people that matter.

For me, OCD comes out in large part as absolutely not wanting to have a negative impact on anything, which has made Covid tough. I was already a bit of a germaphobe (I probably wash my hands a bit more than most, but not 50 times a day or anything) but the most bizarre things I have ever done include:

• Realizing my wife bought seven postcards on a trip and we were charged for six. I contemplated sending a dollar to the store in the mail with a note. This bugged me for days as my inability to accept underpaying clashed with my self-consciousness. I think I ended up figuring out that I was wrong and there was no error (it was along process that included the use of google earth).
• Walking my dog, I get upset when she pees on trash because I think someone might pick it up (like the dog pee is deadly poison). So I'll pick it up with a dog poop bag. OK; no biggie. But I had this period of time when I'd freak out if she peed on actual nature. I once took a stick home, washed it and brought it back. A stick. That was probably my peak.
  
• I worked out at one of those 24-hour fitness places (Snap Fitness) and I could see all the people come to the door, ding their card and walk away. Realistically that's almost certainly to let their insurance companies think they're going the 12 times a month that gives them a payback. While I'm not pro-snitching, I struggle with what crimes to "report." I never did anything about this (in fact, this doesn't belong on this list, but it contributes to my next point). 

I'd seen several counselors and about that third bullet, I had one tell me to just work out where I could not see it happening (which was impossible). He was ultimately just a guy that talked with me for an hour. The next counselor told me to actually look this kind of thing in the face and get used to having it front of me (more or less become desensitized to it). This worked much better; I cannot run from it. I have to confront it and acknowledge to myself the irrationality of my feelings. 

I'm taking medication, which, to be frank, works better than therapy. That's not advice; just my experience. No side effects, far less dwelling on things that are truly unimportant...though maybe still regard a few unimportant things as important.

(there are times when OCD helps me; I think it's why I am in such good cardio shape. I hate to miss and work out about 350 days a year)

My fear to do anything negatively impactful to anyone often comes out in guilt...sometimes years after the fact. I'm not a "music saved my life" guy. I'm just a guy who likes what he likes. In fact, there's only one lyric that really ever helped my beyond entertainment: "You can spend your time alone redigesting past regrets...or you can come to terms and realize you're the only one who cannot forgive yourself. Makes much more sense to live in the present tense."

I wish you all the best with your mental health journeys.

While I can relate only to parts of this, I have to say this is a stunningly honest post (and so well-written!).

Thank you. 

HughFreakingDillon

OffSheGoes35 said:

I can see how that hesitant checking in would seem like people are treating you differently, but some people get upset if they tell you something that meaningful to them and then you just act like everything is normal. I guess the safe thing to do would be to ask if they want you to check in with them.

I can absolutely see how this would be difficult or uncomfortable for some to navigate after seeing something like that. hell, it took me YEARS to figure it out for myself, so I get that end of it absolutely. I suppose I just wasn't anticipating the "kid gloves" some people were now treating me with. It was honestly only a few, but one of them in particular is one of the loudest mouths in the office so she'd walk by "feelin' better today, (Hugh)?" at the top of her lungs. which would then prompt others who I'm not connected with on social media to then ask "why'd she ask that like that? are you sick?" which started to get a bit intrusive. However, I opened myself up, so I should have been prepared for that. 

But I had a frank conversation with the few (including loud mouth) about it and they understood where I was coming from and what my needs were, so it turned out fine in the end. 

jammergirl

I feel like I was meant to see this thread today. I haven't read through it all yet, but just seeing other people talk about their medical anxiety almost made me cry with relief. For the longest time I thought I was the only one or I was going crazy. To the OP, this line in particular that you wrote was like a lightning bolt for me: "My brain seems to sabotage happiness with physical symptoms." Fucking hell that strikes a nerve. 

Anyways, I just wanted to say thanks for making this thread, it's definitely made me feel less alone. 

lastexitlondon

You are definitely not alone. Sending peace your way. I hope you can find some  small things that take you away even briefly. Sorry i haven't posted  
 Mainly because  i dont want to bring  anyone down. So much bad is happening  i cant  type it all.  Never have i ever been through this much fear and despair . Kids at school bo restrictions  amd my 4 year old is ill . Had pcr tests on us adults . Neg.  Partner  ill also. Now  4 year old fever  . I will not get through this even now im on meds . My symptoms  still here and i have to show a dr a lump again in 2 more  weeks after  he looked  at a damn photo of it intead of seeing me . All way too much

brianlux

jammergirl said:

I feel like I was meant to see this thread today. I haven't read through it all yet, but just seeing other people talk about their medical anxiety almost made me cry with relief. For the longest time I thought I was the only one or I was going crazy. To the OP, this line in particular that you wrote was like a lightning bolt for me: "My brain seems to sabotage happiness with physical symptoms." Fucking hell that strikes a nerve. 

Anyways, I just wanted to say thanks for making this thread, it's definitely made me feel less alone. 

lastexitlondon said:

You are definitely not alone. Sending peace your way. I hope you can find some  small things that take you away even briefly. Sorry i haven't posted  
 Mainly because  i dont want to bring  anyone down. So much bad is happening  i cant  type it all.  Never have i ever been through this much fear and despair . Kids at school bo restrictions  amd my 4 year old is ill . Had pcr tests on us adults . Neg.  Partner  ill also. Now  4 year old fever  . I will not get through this even now im on meds . My symptoms  still here and i have to show a dr a lump again in 2 more  weeks after  he looked  at a damn photo of it intead of seeing me . All way too much

Yeah, I'll second that.  You're definitely not alone, jammergirl.  And the great things about this thread is that even though some of us who come here have differing view points on some things, on this thread, everyone here understands how tough anxiety is, and everyone is cool here and reaches out to help each other.  Love and care and empathy runs deep here.  I'm glad for you that you found your way here.

JPPJ84

lastexitlondon said:

You are definitely not alone. Sending peace your way. I hope you can find some  small things that take you away even briefly. Sorry i haven't posted  
 Mainly because  i dont want to bring  anyone down. So much bad is happening  i cant  type it all.  Never have i ever been through this much fear and despair . Kids at school bo restrictions  amd my 4 year old is ill . Had pcr tests on us adults . Neg.  Partner  ill also. Now  4 year old fever  . I will not get through this even now im on meds . My symptoms  still here and i have to show a dr a lump again in 2 more  weeks after  he looked  at a damn photo of it intead of seeing me . All way too much

Rob, all the best to you and your family. Remember that it isn’t all about Covid. It can just be a bug, a cold, the flu. Remember all the times your family has gotten through those before and I’m certain you‘ll do it again.

lastexitlondon

I love you people

lastexitlondon

Just had a call
 Ex wife mother of my other 3 kids is anti vax. Now got covid. But went in the car for  3 hrs with my step dad . And kids to take my daughter  to uni. So now  its fucked. 

OffSheGoes35

I hope your kids are okay.

OnWis97

jammergirl said:

I feel like I was meant to see this thread today. I haven't read through it all yet, but just seeing other people talk about their medical anxiety almost made me cry with relief. For the longest time I thought I was the only one or I was going crazy. To the OP, this line in particular that you wrote was like a lightning bolt for me: "My brain seems to sabotage happiness with physical symptoms." Fucking hell that strikes a nerve. 

Anyways, I just wanted to say thanks for making this thread, it's definitely made me feel less alone. 

I hear you. At some point as a kid, I started to realize that my obsessions/compulsions were "different" and there was a period of time between making that realization and discovering that, yeah, there are other people that are going through something similar. The feeling of being the only one is sad and part of why I wish it wasn't taboo to talk about.  I have seven aunts/uncles and two parents. I would guess at least three of them have depression and my mother has a crippling anxiety disorder she won't even acknowledge. If people had been more open, it might have saved me some anguish.

a5pj

OnWis97 said:

jammergirl said:

I feel like I was meant to see this thread today. I haven't read through it all yet, but just seeing other people talk about their medical anxiety almost made me cry with relief. For the longest time I thought I was the only one or I was going crazy. To the OP, this line in particular that you wrote was like a lightning bolt for me: "My brain seems to sabotage happiness with physical symptoms." Fucking hell that strikes a nerve. 

Anyways, I just wanted to say thanks for making this thread, it's definitely made me feel less alone. 

I hear you. At some point as a kid, I started to realize that my obsessions/compulsions were "different" and there was a period of time between making that realization and discovering that, yeah, there are other people that are going through something similar. The feeling of being the only one is sad and part of why I wish it wasn't taboo to talk about.  I have seven aunts/uncles and two parents. I would guess at least three of them have depression and my mother has a crippling anxiety disorder she won't even acknowledge. If people had been more open, it might have saved me some anguish.

Funny how that works right. I realized my anxiety during the pandemic, sent me into overdrive. Now I hear stories about how I would almost break down in Kindergarten if I couldn't do something perfect, but I've just lived with it thinking it's normal, luckily never had panic attacks, that I know of. But that's also how that generation dealt with feelings, just move on. Now there's the swing that therapy is good. I know older people in my family that won't acknowledge it as well, which is their problem, not mine, doesn't mean I don't care.
Baby steps

NEweather

( anyone here ever checkout Tim Fletcher on youTube? The topic of healing from complex trauma?  I just started seeing and sometimes watching episodes since Sept. I say "sometimes", cuz sometimes ( even he says) the topics are "triggering", and to take a break- If this isn't ok to ask about, please forgive me )

OffSheGoes35

For people suffering with social anxiety, have you ever looked into the symptoms for Autism Spectrum Disorder? I have done so recently, and found that I share traits associated with female Aspies, so I was just wondering if anyone else has looked into it 

OffSheGoes35

How is everybody else doing? 

HughFreakingDillon

better than usual, actually. I have hope. 

lastexitlondon

Im ashamed to post here  as i don't  want  to bring  anyone down.so many times i have wanted to but i realise how many people see this and i cant expose myself