A safe place for anxiety sufferers to share.

Purple Fairy Tree

I'd really like to share photos of shih tzu's, in fact I might start a thread dedicated to this breed cos these little dogs are so awesome -

jhager79

It's been close to 9 months since I last posted here and in those 9 months I've had to put down my dog, moved cities, dealt with the vaccine choas in Ontario, kept on showing up to work everyday at a grocery store, gotten through delta, absolute choas at work with shortages ( staff and supply chain issues) family and friends getting infected with omicron and for the most part I've been good.  Had a couple rough times but gotten through them. Today though I'm right back to the shakes, elevated heart rate, loss of appetite and an indescribable feeling throughout my body of being about a minute away from total breakdown.  I've had this premonition of something bad happening in the spring for a couple of weeks that I can't shake, and yesterday after reading about neocov I'm certain that come April we are going to be in a bad place. I hope I'm wrong but I can't shake it and I'm back square one with nothing that has worked before is working and I have no idea what I'm going to do next. 

HughFreakingDillon

hadn't heard of neocov until your post, but I just read that it hasn't even mutated to the point of being able to infect humans yet.

hedonist

jhager79 said:

It's been close to 9 months since I last posted here and in those 9 months I've had to put down my dog, moved cities, dealt with the vaccine choas in Ontario, kept on showing up to work everyday at a grocery store, gotten through delta, absolute choas at work with shortages ( staff and supply chain issues) family and friends getting infected with omicron and for the most part I've been good.  Had a couple rough times but gotten through them. Today though I'm right back to the shakes, elevated heart rate, loss of appetite and an indescribable feeling throughout my body of being about a minute away from total breakdown.  I've had this premonition of something bad happening in the spring for a couple of weeks that I can't shake, and yesterday after reading about neocov I'm certain that come April we are going to be in a bad place. I hope I'm wrong but I can't shake it and I'm back square one with nothing that has worked before is working and I have no idea what I'm going to do next. 

I’m so sorry for your anxiety. I get it. Is there someone trusted or a professional to try and work through this? I wish I could offer more.

Alao l, I’m very sorry about your dog. 

jhager79

HughFreakingDillon said:

hadn't heard of neocov until your post, but I just read that it hasn't even mutated to the point of being able to infect humans yet.

Unfortunately all I see is foreshadowing of what's to come whether it's rational or not. My mind goes through dark scenarios of what's coming over the next 10 weeks or so and once it starts it spirals and gets worse and I can't get out. I think about 2 weeks after the Olympics end some horrible scenarios are going to play out. Hopefully I'm wrong. 

HughFreakingDillon

jhager79 said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

hadn't heard of neocov until your post, but I just read that it hasn't even mutated to the point of being able to infect humans yet.

Unfortunately all I see is foreshadowing of what's to come whether it's rational or not. My mind goes through dark scenarios of what's coming over the next 10 weeks or so and once it starts it spirals and gets worse and I can't get out. I think about 2 weeks after the Olympics end some horrible scenarios are going to play out. Hopefully I'm wrong. 

I get it. I do. I just went back on my anxiety meds last week. I stopped reading the news for the most part because of it. 

jhager79

hedonist said:

jhager79 said:

It's been close to 9 months since I last posted here and in those 9 months I've had to put down my dog, moved cities, dealt with the vaccine choas in Ontario, kept on showing up to work everyday at a grocery store, gotten through delta, absolute choas at work with shortages ( staff and supply chain issues) family and friends getting infected with omicron and for the most part I've been good.  Had a couple rough times but gotten through them. Today though I'm right back to the shakes, elevated heart rate, loss of appetite and an indescribable feeling throughout my body of being about a minute away from total breakdown.  I've had this premonition of something bad happening in the spring for a couple of weeks that I can't shake, and yesterday after reading about neocov I'm certain that come April we are going to be in a bad place. I hope I'm wrong but I can't shake it and I'm back square one with nothing that has worked before is working and I have no idea what I'm going to do next. 

I’m so sorry for your anxiety. I get it. Is there someone trusted or a professional to try and work through this? I wish I could offer more.

Alao l, I’m very sorry about your dog. 

Thanks, unfortunately it's difficult to get any professional help right now. 
He was a14 year old lab so we knew it was only a matter of time but it doesn't make it any easier. 

Purple Fairy Tree

@jhager79

I’m so sorry for your anxiety. I get it. Is there someone trusted or a professional to try and work through this? I wish I could offer more.

Alao l, I’m very sorry about your dog. 

Thanks, unfortunately it's difficult to get any professional help right now. 
He was a14 year old lab so we knew it was only a matter of time but it doesn't make it any easier. 

Sorry for your loss, i cant imagine how horrible it must be to lose your best friend. 
Sorry to hear you have anxiety, perhaps your GP can prescribe some medication for you. It has certainly helped me.

HughFreakingDillon

lastexitlondon said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

SmallestOceans said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

lastexitlondon said:

Barely existing

been there, crawled out of that. you can too. you will. 

Same, just gotta realize that it's all in your mind.

it's not as easy as that. I know it's all in my mind, and so does lastexit. but that doesn't really change anything. you can't will yourself out of it, nor does knowing it's an illness and not your fault help, unfortunately. you have to work at it, and that is so incredibly difficult. like telling someone with a broken leg to run a marathon. luckily for me, the meds worked. it's not like that for everyone. and every time you go through seeing someone, getting new meds, waiting for them to work, which can be weeks and in some cases months, only to have to start over again, it is so incredibly easy to just fucking give up. when every waking moment is torture, all you wish for is sleep and/or the end. you don't necessarily WANT to die, but you believe that is the only way the pain will stop, so it comes out as wishing for death. when all you are wishing for is to be back to normal. But the longer it goes on, that seems about as likely as winning the lottery or getting struck by lightning. it is so incredibly discouraging. 

This is exactly right. The sad thing is i do not think its all in my head. I 100%believe i have dementia and am dying.. now everyone else involved in this says otherwise thats what i find the hardest. Im meant to not trust my instinct or voice inside that we are from a young age told to trust and listen to. Im somehow at 42 meant to not trust myself. Im an intelligent guy well I used to be. I sitting here this afternoon after keeping busy all day forgeting things ive instantly done thinking shall i drink beer/take valium/get some wine/ or suffer more. HFD is correct i don't ever want to die but im left with the NEED for this to stop immediately as each period of illness or phantom fuckin illness ive been through turned out dr was 100%correct. But this time like all the others ik 100%sure i am right. And its worn me down to a shadow of rob fuck i don't even know rob . I wish for a fast death all the time. I have no joy in anything .
I have been lucky in that i saved money when i used work. Follwed my dream and saw PJ all over the world. I have 4 beautiful intelligent children and a partner that loves me. Ive played sports ive loved. I have done all the things i ever wanted. So im ready now to die if its quick. I won't hang on and rot away.

I just wanted to highlight something for you, Rob, that has helped me in the past. This post was 4 years ago. You are still here. You are still healthy. If you thought what was wrong with you was really wrong with you, you wouldn't be here to post. 

This is how I try to focus now. There is one debilitating illness I keep thinking I have.....I went through a "dry spell" of not worrying about it at all. But now it's back. In full fucking force. I had to tell my boss that I'm not ok, and to be patient with me with deadlines and shit; I'm not sleeping, I can't focus. I forgot my VP's last name last night FFS. I had to look it up. Seriously. I interact with this guy almost daily. 

My point is, I'm trying to focus on the fact above, that how unlikely it is that I actually have the illness I stressed about 5 years ago and never ended up having. Sure, I'm having some symptoms of it again, and it's driving me batty. But it's all I have to hang onto until the meds start working (never should have gone off them, dammit). 

lastexitlondon

Wow . Fuck. I sit here today like time has frozen such is this illness. Sickness.  I no longer believe i have  dementia.  4 years i did. I now  belive  i have something  else . I wont  mention.  I haven't  posted  here for so  many  reasons when what i should have done is post. Hedo is going through  so much i don't   want to post whilst our  dear friend  is being  stronger  than  i can ever  be. 

Im a fuck up. Drunk . On pills  and a coward. 
Ive had a visit face to face after 2 years with my dr.  I now  try and trust. But at the same time  my dad is dying  and i take on his pain  and it becomes  symptoms.  This illness of health  anxiety.  ( hypercondria) fits  well. I hate myself  and i hate who i am.  My kids don't  want to be in a Group chat with me because  i upset  them.  Imagine  that.  Soul  destroying.  So my advice is do anything you can not to fall so deep you can't  reach for the edge  and lift your head up to breath the air of normal.  I can no longer feel that.  I wish i could offer  advice or help. I can't  thats  why i say very little here.  I can't  offer anything  except  upset or negative.  
I have love in my heart  and actions. That's  the best and only thing  i can offer. . Love to you all. Rob

lastexitlondon

Thank you so much HFD

HughFreakingDillon

lastexitlondon said:

Thank you so much HFD

I was about to apologize after reading your previous post....I thought I had done more harm than good. You aren't a fuck up, Rob. Well, you are, but all of us are! LOL. that's being human. I'm so sorry about your dad and how that's affecting you. You aren't "lost" as long as you are still here. I hope things get better talking to a doc again. Peace...

cblock4life

jhager79 said:

hedonist said:

jhager79 said:

It's been close to 9 months since I last posted here and in those 9 months I've had to put down my dog, moved cities, dealt with the vaccine choas in Ontario, kept on showing up to work everyday at a grocery store, gotten through delta, absolute choas at work with shortages ( staff and supply chain issues) family and friends getting infected with omicron and for the most part I've been good.  Had a couple rough times but gotten through them. Today though I'm right back to the shakes, elevated heart rate, loss of appetite and an indescribable feeling throughout my body of being about a minute away from total breakdown.  I've had this premonition of something bad happening in the spring for a couple of weeks that I can't shake, and yesterday after reading about neocov I'm certain that come April we are going to be in a bad place. I hope I'm wrong but I can't shake it and I'm back square one with nothing that has worked before is working and I have no idea what I'm going to do next. 

I’m so sorry for your anxiety. I get it. Is there someone trusted or a professional to try and work through this? I wish I could offer more.

Alao l, I’m very sorry about your dog. 

Thanks, unfortunately it's difficult to get any professional help right now. 
He was a14 year old lab so we knew it was only a matter of time but it doesn't make it any easier. 

I’m so sorry about your pup.  If humans were 1/2 as loving as dogs the world would be much different.  

Based on the shit you’ve gone through over the past months I believe you’re a very strong person.  We all have times where things get too heavy.  Think hard about what you’ve gotten through and find pride in handling all that and still surviving.  I realize it’s easy for others to say “just do this, do that”  but read again what you went through, what you wrote in your own words and I think you’ll find a strong normal human being. 

cblock4life

lastexitlondon said:

Wow . Fuck. I sit here today like time has frozen such is this illness. Sickness.  I no longer believe i have  dementia.  4 years i did. I now  belive  i have something  else . I wont  mention.  I haven't  posted  here for so  many  reasons when what i should have done is post. Hedo is going through  so much i don't   want to post whilst our  dear friend  is being  stronger  than  i can ever  be. 

Im a fuck up. Drunk . On pills  and a coward. 
Ive had a visit face to face after 2 years with my dr.  I now  try and trust. But at the same time  my dad is dying  and i take on his pain  and it becomes  symptoms.  This illness of health  anxiety.  ( hypercondria) fits  well. I hate myself  and i hate who i am.  My kids don't  want to be in a Group chat with me because  i upset  them.  Imagine  that.  Soul  destroying.  So my advice is do anything you can not to fall so deep you can't  reach for the edge  and lift your head up to breath the air of normal.  I can no longer feel that.  I wish i could offer  advice or help. I can't  thats  why i say very little here.  I can't  offer anything  except  upset or negative.  
I have love in my heart  and actions. That's  the best and only thing  i can offer. . Love to you all. Rob

It takes a very sane person to recognize and admit their faults.  We all have elements of insanity and instability in us, that’s just part of being human.  If your heart and actions are full of love that’s a remarkable trait to possess.  Stop feeling bad about feeling bad. You’re allowed to feel like crap and your emotions and feelings are real…please find someone to speak with face to face.  We’re all thinking about you, wishing you the best.  If you were close I’d hug you for sure. Please take care. 

hedonist

lastexitlondon said:

Wow . Fuck. I sit here today like time has frozen such is this illness. Sickness.  I no longer believe i have  dementia.  4 years i did. I now  belive  i have something  else . I wont  mention.  I haven't  posted  here for so  many  reasons when what i should have done is post. Hedo is going through  so much i don't   want to post whilst our  dear friend  is being  stronger  than  i can ever  be. 

Im a fuck up. Drunk . On pills  and a coward. 
Ive had a visit face to face after 2 years with my dr.  I now  try and trust. But at the same time  my dad is dying  and i take on his pain  and it becomes  symptoms.  This illness of health  anxiety.  ( hypercondria) fits  well. I hate myself  and i hate who i am.  My kids don't  want to be in a Group chat with me because  i upset  them.  Imagine  that.  Soul  destroying.  So my advice is do anything you can not to fall so deep you can't  reach for the edge  and lift your head up to breath the air of normal.  I can no longer feel that.  I wish i could offer  advice or help. I can't  thats  why i say very little here.  I can't  offer anything  except  upset or negative.  
I have love in my heart  and actions. That's  the best and only thing  i can offer. . Love to you all. Rob

Rob, I say this with nothing but compassion - please don’t let what I’m going through — or what anyone else is experiencing really —  make you feel like you can’t scream or vent as you need. Do it! First and foremost for yourself. You may see yourself as less than you truly are; trust us who can see you objectively that you are not. Give yourself some of that huge love you have; you deserve It as well.

….and cblock, you’re so right about dogs and their unconditional love. If only the world worked that way. 

lastexitlondon

Im very proud to have you  guys care and give me strength. Last night seeing my post from the past was so profound on me. Im still digesting  looking back at myself and what it is provoking in me.  I actually  think its blown my mind . In a good way. I really do feel pain of everyone i interact with or love or even know here.  I dont know why i feel the pain of others  so deeply.  Adversely  it's making me think 

cblock4life

hedonist said:

lastexitlondon said:

Wow . Fuck. I sit here today like time has frozen such is this illness. Sickness.  I no longer believe i have  dementia.  4 years i did. I now  belive  i have something  else . I wont  mention.  I haven't  posted  here for so  many  reasons when what i should have done is post. Hedo is going through  so much i don't   want to post whilst our  dear friend  is being  stronger  than  i can ever  be. 

Im a fuck up. Drunk . On pills  and a coward. 
Ive had a visit face to face after 2 years with my dr.  I now  try and trust. But at the same time  my dad is dying  and i take on his pain  and it becomes  symptoms.  This illness of health  anxiety.  ( hypercondria) fits  well. I hate myself  and i hate who i am.  My kids don't  want to be in a Group chat with me because  i upset  them.  Imagine  that.  Soul  destroying.  So my advice is do anything you can not to fall so deep you can't  reach for the edge  and lift your head up to breath the air of normal.  I can no longer feel that.  I wish i could offer  advice or help. I can't  thats  why i say very little here.  I can't  offer anything  except  upset or negative.  
I have love in my heart  and actions. That's  the best and only thing  i can offer. . Love to you all. Rob

Rob, I say this with nothing but compassion - please don’t let what I’m going through — or what anyone else is experiencing really —  make you feel like you can’t scream or vent as you need. Do it! First and foremost for yourself. You may see yourself as less than you truly are; trust us who can see you objectively that you are not. Give yourself some of that huge love you have; you deserve It as well.

….and cblock, you’re so right about dogs and their unconditional love. If only the world worked that way. 

Well you know what dog spelled backwards is….

i know you don’t believe which is okay, no judgement here, however I think about, follow your posts, and pray for you everyday.  

hedonist

cblock4life said:

hedonist said:

lastexitlondon said:

Wow . Fuck. I sit here today like time has frozen such is this illness. Sickness.  I no longer believe i have  dementia.  4 years i did. I now  belive  i have something  else . I wont  mention.  I haven't  posted  here for so  many  reasons when what i should have done is post. Hedo is going through  so much i don't   want to post whilst our  dear friend  is being  stronger  than  i can ever  be. 

Im a fuck up. Drunk . On pills  and a coward. 
Ive had a visit face to face after 2 years with my dr.  I now  try and trust. But at the same time  my dad is dying  and i take on his pain  and it becomes  symptoms.  This illness of health  anxiety.  ( hypercondria) fits  well. I hate myself  and i hate who i am.  My kids don't  want to be in a Group chat with me because  i upset  them.  Imagine  that.  Soul  destroying.  So my advice is do anything you can not to fall so deep you can't  reach for the edge  and lift your head up to breath the air of normal.  I can no longer feel that.  I wish i could offer  advice or help. I can't  thats  why i say very little here.  I can't  offer anything  except  upset or negative.  
I have love in my heart  and actions. That's  the best and only thing  i can offer. . Love to you all. Rob

Rob, I say this with nothing but compassion - please don’t let what I’m going through — or what anyone else is experiencing really —  make you feel like you can’t scream or vent as you need. Do it! First and foremost for yourself. You may see yourself as less than you truly are; trust us who can see you objectively that you are not. Give yourself some of that huge love you have; you deserve It as well.

….and cblock, you’re so right about dogs and their unconditional love. If only the world worked that way. 

Well you know what dog spelled backwards is….

i know you don’t believe which is okay, no judgement here, however I think about, follow your posts, and pray for you everyday.  

Thank you; I appreciate well-wishes in any form.  From where they stem doesn’t matter to me.  I think I’m just more spiritual than religious — yet I’m open. 

“Religion is a smile on a dog.”

Fifthelement

lastexitlondon said:

Im very proud to have you  guys care and give me strength. Last night seeing my post from the past was so profound on me. Im still digesting  looking back at myself and what it is provoking in me.  I actually  think its blown my mind . In a good way. I really do feel pain of everyone i interact with or love or even know here.  I dont know why i feel the pain of others  so deeply.  Adversely  it's making me think 

That’s great to hear Rob.  Empathy is a good thing, until it’s not.  Being weighed down with others pain, in addition to your own, can paralyse a person.  It’s okay to be a bit selfish and take care of your health first.  It’s the old adage of putting on your oxygen mask first before helping others.  You can think more clearly and act intentionally.

Sending everyone here love, good vibes, and hope that you have the support you need if you are struggling.  ((((Hugs))))

jhager79

Thank you to everyone here who has offered their support and help to myself and others who are struggling with anxiety and other issues. Some truly great people here, better than I could ever hope to be. Unfortunately my situation is not improving and I'm unable to find the help that I need. I no longer see the situation improving and think it's getting worse and no longer see a realistic possibility of a solution. 
Last night I got to have one last dinner with family and I feel somewhat at peace with the decision I've made. I wish there was another way, but I'm no longer able even think positively about the future and I don't see myself in that future. It's time for a rest. 
Thanks again.