A safe place for anxiety sufferers to share.

hedonist

deadendp said:

Jedi,  

RogueStoner

.

GlowGirl

hedonist said:

I was listening to this song - yet again, and so damn fitting - and think I'll start a journal titled "The Face of Today".  I don't have Word on my computer and my handwriting's for shit sometimes (speed of mind exceeds that of writing) but I think it'll be helpful...a release, anyway, at least until I decide to go back to therapy or even after, if I do.

We'll see.
https://youtu.be/rZOsIfRJGKU

Such a great song. It brings me back to a very specific time in my life. Journaling can be very soothing for the mind. I hope it helps.

njnancy

I've kept a journal since grammar school (not one, a massive series of them). I just start writing & go till my brain stops. Kinda like most of my posts, but longer.  It is really healthy, for me, to get shit on the written page. It releases some of its power over me.

I also just love to write.  I have journals that have themes, ask questions,etc. But I have a main one I try to write in as often as possible. The longest I have gone without writing is a year, during these past 5 or 6 years. I was just shut down so completely that I had no access to that part of my brain. I also have had difficulty reading, which must be in the same brain area. I am an extremely avid reader so it has been difficult, I love almost nothing more than to escape into books. Now I can read posts, headlines in the newspaper, but my ability to lose myself in a book is temporarily sidelined.

 PTSD kind of 'blows up' that part of your brain. C-PTSD blows it up & curb stomps it. I was able to access my creative side through clinical depression & panic disorder, it actually was functioning extremely well. This is a heinous beast. I have forced myself to write, & I was uncomfortable AF. Stomach in anxiety knots, amorphous fear, impending doom all swirled in my mind as I started with one shaky sentence. I cant write everyday, but when I do write, it is usually for a long time. Then my brain shuts down. Which is fine with me mostly. 

I still haven't read a book, but I have been doing word & number puzzles which I've always enjoyed, so i hope I'm retraining my brain. I keep several books on my nightstand in case I'm struck with the urge. But putting pen to paper in various ways is my only step forward so far. 

hedonist

I do the Sunday Times crosswords for my noggin   They're tough!  But I learn from them.

I gotta say, being a lefty isn't conducive to journal writing.  I end up using the "wrong" side of the page, smearing words, etc.

Maybe typewriting is the way to go for me; different means, similar results.

Fifthelement

hedonist said:

I do the Sunday Times crosswords for my noggin   They're tough!  But I learn from them.

I gotta say, being a lefty isn't conducive to journal writing.  I end up using the "wrong" side of the page, smearing words, etc.

Maybe typewriting is the way to go for me; different means, similar results.

Or learn to write in: 

• Arabic.
• Aramaic.
• Azeri.
• Dhivehi/Maldivian.
• Hebrew.
• Kurdish (Sorani)
• Persian/Farsi.
• Urdu.

😂 😝 

brianlux

njnancy said:

I've kept a journal since grammar school (not one, a massive series of them). I just start writing & go till my brain stops. Kinda like most of my posts, but longer.  It is really healthy, for me, to get shit on the written page. It releases some of its power over me.

I also just love to write.  I have journals that have themes, ask questions,etc. But I have a main one I try to write in as often as possible. The longest I have gone without writing is a year, during these past 5 or 6 years. I was just shut down so completely that I had no access to that part of my brain. I also have had difficulty reading, which must be in the same brain area. I am an extremely avid reader so it has been difficult, I love almost nothing more than to escape into books. Now I can read posts, headlines in the newspaper, but my ability to lose myself in a book is temporarily sidelined.

 PTSD kind of 'blows up' that part of your brain. C-PTSD blows it up & curb stomps it. I was able to access my creative side through clinical depression & panic disorder, it actually was functioning extremely well. This is a heinous beast. I have forced myself to write, & I was uncomfortable AF. Stomach in anxiety knots, amorphous fear, impending doom all swirled in my mind as I started with one shaky sentence. I cant write everyday, but when I do write, it is usually for a long time. Then my brain shuts down. Which is fine with me mostly. 

I still haven't read a book, but I have been doing word & number puzzles which I've always enjoyed, so i hope I'm retraining my brain. I keep several books on my nightstand in case I'm struck with the urge. But putting pen to paper in various ways is my only step forward so far. 

A long time ago, friend of mine suggested I keep a journal.  I'm not real consistent with it, but that has helped me a lot at times.  Writing in general is great.  I write pretty much everyday, whether as letters, emails, cards and such.  I find even writing comments on forums to be helpful for focusing my thoughts, especially when I take time to write and edit them carefully.

RogueStoner

Do those of you who keep journals ever go back and read them? I have a hard time doing that. Either it’s too painful or I feel stupid for being in the same situation over and over again. 

This is the start of a difficult season for me. Every year it’s the same. I’m fighting suicidal urges while trying to pretend to be in the holiday spirit. I can’t really talk to anyone. The people I trusted are dead. The rest I no longer trust. I had my first therapy appointment but the audio cut out for half of it. Not that it mattered. It’ll take a long time for me to open up again, even to a therapist. Maybe I’m beyond help. 

In addition to journaling, I started writing letters to certain people. I’ll never send them but it’s a way of getting closure I hope. At least I finally realized I need to do this for myself. None of the people I’m writing to are worth my time or my thoughts. I just have to get rid of this anger and resentment and move on. And be grateful for the friends that are worth keeping and truly care about me. 

brianlux

RogueStoner said:

Do those of you who keep journals ever go back and read them? I have a hard time doing that. Either it’s too painful or I feel stupid for being in the same situation over and over again. 

This is the start of a difficult season for me. Every year it’s the same. I’m fighting suicidal urges while trying to pretend to be in the holiday spirit. I can’t really talk to anyone. The people I trusted are dead. The rest I no longer trust. I had my first therapy appointment but the audio cut out for half of it. Not that it mattered. It’ll take a long time for me to open up again, even to a therapist. Maybe I’m beyond help. 

In addition to journaling, I started writing letters to certain people. I’ll never send them but it’s a way of getting closure I hope. At least I finally realized I need to do this for myself. None of the people I’m writing to are worth my time or my thoughts. I just have to get rid of this anger and resentment and move on. And be grateful for the friends that are worth keeping and truly care about me. 

I rarely go back too far and read my journals, especially the ones from the 90's- a decade that I only barely survived.  I think the writing process itself- very much what you are talking- is more helpful than actually going back and reading them.  The fact that you do have journals that you could read if you wanted to shows that you have kept at it, that you keep pushing forward. 

Your desire to focus on being grateful to friends who are worth keeping is a real strength.  That is a very smart and healthy approach and to me shows that you are not beyond help. 

Hang in there, RS, and keep up the good work!

RogueStoner

Thanks, Brian.

Fifthelement

RogueStoner said:

Do those of you who keep journals ever go back and read them? I have a hard time doing that. Either it’s too painful or I feel stupid for being in the same situation over and over again. 

This is the start of a difficult season for me. Every year it’s the same. I’m fighting suicidal urges while trying to pretend to be in the holiday spirit. I can’t really talk to anyone. The people I trusted are dead. The rest I no longer trust. I had my first therapy appointment but the audio cut out for half of it. Not that it mattered. It’ll take a long time for me to open up again, even to a therapist. Maybe I’m beyond help. 

In addition to journaling, I started writing letters to certain people. I’ll never send them but it’s a way of getting closure I hope. At least I finally realized I need to do this for myself. None of the people I’m writing to are worth my time or my thoughts. I just have to get rid of this anger and resentment and move on. And be grateful for the friends that are worth keeping and truly care about me. 

Hang on RS.  You are worth fighting for and don’t let anyone, including your inner demon tell you there i’se.  You are worthy of love most especially from yourself.  I’m sorry that those you trusted are no longer here, but you’re smart enough to recognise that you need to protect yourself.  Good for you for doing therapy, self care means that somewhere deep inside you, you know you’re worth caring about.  I’m sorry that the audio cut out.  Why do you feel you need to project a holiday spirit?  Is it for others?  Can you chose to limit your participation in the holidays?

sending you (((hugs))).

RogueStoner

Fifthelement said:

RogueStoner said:

Do those of you who keep journals ever go back and read them? I have a hard time doing that. Either it’s too painful or I feel stupid for being in the same situation over and over again. 

This is the start of a difficult season for me. Every year it’s the same. I’m fighting suicidal urges while trying to pretend to be in the holiday spirit. I can’t really talk to anyone. The people I trusted are dead. The rest I no longer trust. I had my first therapy appointment but the audio cut out for half of it. Not that it mattered. It’ll take a long time for me to open up again, even to a therapist. Maybe I’m beyond help. 

In addition to journaling, I started writing letters to certain people. I’ll never send them but it’s a way of getting closure I hope. At least I finally realized I need to do this for myself. None of the people I’m writing to are worth my time or my thoughts. I just have to get rid of this anger and resentment and move on. And be grateful for the friends that are worth keeping and truly care about me. 

Hang on RS.  You are worth fighting for and don’t let anyone, including your inner demon tell you there i’se.  You are worthy of love most especially from yourself.  I’m sorry that those you trusted are no longer here, but you’re smart enough to recognise that you need to protect yourself.  Good for you for doing therapy, self care means that somewhere deep inside you, you know you’re worth caring about.  I’m sorry that the audio cut out.  Why do you feel you need to project a holiday spirit?  Is it for others?  Can you chose to limit your participation in the holidays?

sending you (((hugs))).

Thank you. It means a lot. 

The holidays have always been stressful. I felt pressured to match my in-laws’ Christmas and never could. I felt guilty, feeling like my kids missed out. But now they’re older and more concerned with giving than getting. We’re going to focus on family activities and hopefully that’ll ease the pressure. Any way I look at it, this year will be different. There are no expectations. Just gotta keep my anxiety in check. 

lastexitlondon

When  is enough. Enough.
Oh is amy ok i dont see her around?

ConorKavanagh

I hope everyone is doing okay today. I've been up and down myself. The rise in cases again in Ireland has lead to increased restrictions, and I've found that quite tough. In my new job (I know I'm lucky to be working) I have a lot of down time, so I do my best to keep that time occupied.

Matts3221

Have not checked in for a while. I hope everyone is doing as best as they can. My anxiety is better but my nerves are on overload. Going into work Monday - Friday , be as careful as I can. When I get home shower and eat dinner my body is so tired I just want to go to bed. 

Cases are going up but I knew they would , just have to stay as safe as possible, I hope no one has given up hope.

i have had moments of wanting to rip my mask off and saying fuck it but that passes in a min or two as it would be idiotic. The US is just so poor at handling this I find us to be a third world country at this point , mix in elections our president really getting into dictator mode and half the country hating the other half , it honestly feels like we may have a civil war after the election.

Trying to spend a lot less time on the Internet so not sure when I’ll be back on but I really do hope everyone is doing ok.

Fifthelement

Sending love and light to whomever needs it.  Keep hanging in there. I’m trying to limit my time online as well @Matts3221. The situation south of the border is terrifying to witness from afar, I cannot imagine what it’s like living there.  I really hope that there is a change in administration, but I fear the result either way.

brianlux

Fifthelement said:

Sending love and light to whomever needs it.  Keep hanging in there. I’m trying to limit my time online as well @Matts3221. The situation south of the border is terrifying to witness from afar, I cannot imagine what it’s like living there.  I really hope that there is a change in administration, but I fear the result either way.

Thanks for love and light, Fifth.  Same for you! 

My anxiety has been reaching some strange extremes.  It's been driven hard lately by my hearing issues, worry about fire, COVID, and political dangers.  A few days ago I had a moment where a multitude of things both internal and external were compromising my mental well being and for a brief period of time, I felt like my mind had blown a fuse.  It was like a momentary waking night terror.  My instincts kicked in and I shook it off, but it was very strange and unsettling.  It was like a glimpse of what it means to lose ones mind.  I was having an anxiety meltdown and had no choice but to just hang on by my teeth.

And then today, that high anxiety episode was still resonating in my head.  I took the car and went and ran some errands- not only because I had things I needed to get done, but because that kind of doing almost always helps me get centered.  It took longer than usual, but I was still struggling.  After dropping off some stuff at the bookstore, I went to get into my car and opened the door and jumped back and let out an audible gasp.  I had opened the wrong car door and a woman was sitting behind the wheel!  I apologized profusely and, much to my extreme good luck, this nice young woman simply smiled at me and said, "It's OK."  I apologized again and this angel repeated the assurance than all was fine.  I slunk off to my own vehicle and was a bit stunned by my good fortune at not having her scream at me or punch me in the face.  Maybe my mask helped.  Maybe she really was an angel. 

So tonight I ask the powers of the universe that be to grant me a better day tomorrow.  I sometimes wonder what my anxiety and depression could do to me.  I'm pretty tough, I fight it off, but it's hard and I don't comply understand why I have to be this way.  But then again, these strange days don't help and I think everyone is affected by them to some degree.  How can you not be, right?

hedonist

Sometimes we just are who and as we are, and there is no why. Otherwise we’d be wondering what we did to deserve mental pain, physical disease, etc. It can be as simple as the old “play the cards you’re dealt as best you can” but to wonder why you have those cards to begin with?

This isn’t said in a cold way, but it’s just...life.

(Of course, I can say this calmly now, vs. when I’m going through something similar myself.)

Purple Fairy Tree

brianlux said:

Fifthelement said:

Sending love and light to whomever needs it.  Keep hanging in there. I’m trying to limit my time online as well @Matts3221. The situation south of the border is terrifying to witness from afar, I cannot imagine what it’s like living there.  I really hope that there is a change in administration, but I fear the result either way.

Thanks for love and light, Fifth.   

So tonight I ask the powers of the universe that be to grant me a better day tomorrow.  I sometimes wonder what my anxiety and depression could do to me.  I'm pretty tough, I fight it off, but it's hard and I don't comply understand why I have to be this way.  But then again, these strange days don't help and I think everyone is affected by them to some degree.  How can you not be, right?

Hi Brian @brianluxSorry to hear things are tough. I'm sure there are better days ahead.  A while ago I had a tough time and then after (like now) I'm having better days. It's a relief and makes me feel grateful for staying strong through the bad times. I'm sure it will be same for you too.  My dad has cataracts and when we took him on holiday last year he couldn't remember which hire car we had hired and kept going up to random cars and trying to open the door. It was nuts and I kept imagining the worst like a woman was sitting there or even worse an angry man that thought we were trying to steal his car.  I'm so pleased neither happened. The mad thing was he kept trying to get back in the car straight after we  parked and got out, when we arrived somewhere instead of when we were going back home to the hotel. Xxxx

brianlux

hedonist said:

Sometimes we just are who and as we are, and there is no why. Otherwise we’d be wondering what we did to deserve mental pain, physical disease, etc. It can be as simple as the old “play the cards you’re dealt as best you can” but to wonder why you have those cards to begin with?

This isn’t said in a cold way, but it’s just...life.

(Of course, I can say this calmly now, vs. when I’m going through something similar myself.)

I think you're absolutely right, Hedo, and I don't see you words as being cold at all.  Truth and reality and saying it like it is is never a bad thing!   Yes, wondering why is really not very productive.   When I worked in the Human Services doing counselor training at out local community college, one of the things we stressed was avoiding too much focus on a causal past and placing the emphasis on building coping methods. 

West Coast Dreamgirl said:

brianlux said:

Fifthelement said:

Sending love and light to whomever needs it.  Keep hanging in there. I’m trying to limit my time online as well @Matts3221. The situation south of the border is terrifying to witness from afar, I cannot imagine what it’s like living there.  I really hope that there is a change in administration, but I fear the result either way.

Thanks for love and light, Fifth.   

So tonight I ask the powers of the universe that be to grant me a better day tomorrow.  I sometimes wonder what my anxiety and depression could do to me.  I'm pretty tough, I fight it off, but it's hard and I don't comply understand why I have to be this way.  But then again, these strange days don't help and I think everyone is affected by them to some degree.  How can you not be, right?

Hi Brian @brianluxSorry to hear things are tough. I'm sure there are better days ahead.  A while ago I had a tough time and then after (like now) I'm having better days. It's a relief and makes me feel grateful for staying strong through the bad times. I'm sure it will be same for you too.  My dad has cataracts and when we took him on holiday last year he couldn't remember which hire car we had hired and kept going up to random cars and trying to open the door. It was nuts and I kept imagining the worst like a woman was sitting there or even worse an angry man that thought we were trying to steal his car.  I'm so pleased neither happened. The mad thing was he kept trying to get back in the car straight after we  parked and got out, when we arrived somewhere instead of when we were going back home to the hotel. Xxxx

I'm glad to hear you are having better days, Dreamgirl.  I hope they continue that way!

Thanks, I hope for better days as well.  I woke up this morning and felt the heavy blanket of depression and anxiety crushing me again and I didn't want to get out of bed, but then I started thinking about a time in the late 90's when I stayed in bed for about two weeks and how dangerous that time was with the downward spiral I was going through and I said, "No!  I'm not going there again!" and pushed myself up and went and made coffee.  Thank GOD for coffee!