A safe place for anxiety sufferers to share.

Fifthelement

@HughFreakingDillon I don’t think you are responsible for her ending her marriage.  This is something she’d probably been weighing for a long time. Your text was just a sign validating the things she was already realising. It’s not on you to decide if she’s making a mistake.  She recognised that she’s not who she was and that she’s not happy.  I wish her luck as she embarks on a new path of discovery. It was nice of you to reach out though.  You let her know that she made a difference in your life.  That’s inspiring.

Fifthelement

hedonist said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

RogueStoner said:

Ugh! I just missed a call from a therapist because I completely forgot I made the appointment and who she was so I didn’t recognize the name or take the call at first. My memory is so awful. I feel beyond stupid. And quickly moving towards hopeless. I can’t get my heart to stop pounding today. I can’t get my brain to work. I just want to sleep and start over tomorrow. 

i understand this completely. my cycle for a couple years straight:

wakes up, wishes it were tomorrow
spends all day looking forward to sleep
spends all night trying to sleep
spends all morning wishing i slept
spends all afternoon wishing i could sleep now

depression and anxiety fuck with memory BIG TIME. that's proven. unfortunately you have to figure out a way to not want to sleep all the time. because it just doesn't work. i honestly don't recall what i did, if anything. i think it was just a natural thing that happened that i finally decided to start living in the present because there's no other way to survive. having kids helped/sucked. i wanted to kill myself because i thought they'd be better off without me, but eventually i knew they wouldn't be. so it was either live or exist. 

i'm not saying at all that it's that easy. i know all too well that it's not really a choice, but at the same time it kind of is. i mean, you don't choose any disease, but you choose to fight it. i lost my fight with depression 10,000 times, but then i won once. i may lose again. i'm sure i will. it's been a battle over 25 years. right now things are good. only thing i can do is try to live the best i can in hopes my "brain vitamins" (living positively) will help stave off future illness. 

it took me months to come out of it. meds helped, and now i'm off them. 

The bolded part really hits home. Not to hijack (though related), I recently had an epiphany that it wasn’t cirrhosis that stopped my boozing. It was me. Much like with my own anxiety, I will always have that addiction, and I will always continue to fight it.

And curse it, too (it’s worn out its welcome).

Same applies here too, I believe.

Yay you!  Own that shit!  The good and the bad make up each of us.  We only hope that we’ll have the time to learn the lesson and to make different choices.

GlowGirl

HughFreakingDillon said:

i don't know where to put this, but i'll put it here because it's causing me some anxiety. i messaged a friend two nights ago whom i haven't spoken to in years. I told her how she inspired me in our 20's to be a more independent thinker, more confident in myself, etc etc. 

she messaged me back a bombshell. my message gave her the courage to go through with ending her marriage. she said all the things i said about her were true, but my message made her realize she wasn't that person anymore. i was stunned. i'm not entirely sure how to process this. she said it's been brewing for some time, but the timing of my text to her couldn't have been more perfect. went on about the universe and such. 

i kinda feel terrible. i mean, i'm glad my words inspired her to make what she thinks is a positive change. but i'm worried that i may have inspired a huge mistake. 

This is in no way your fault. A message from an old friend would not negatively affect a good marriage. You actually may have saved her from an unhappy situation. Years ago I was in a bad relationship where I totally lost myself. Looking back, getting out of that relationship was the best thing. I have blossomed in so many ways since then and got back to my old self. Don’t feel bad. Her leaving her marriage is in no way about you. 

HughFreakingDillon

i'm honestly not trying to make this about me. i'm just mildly uncomfortable being the "inspiration" of such a life changing event. that's all. 

GlowGirl

HughFreakingDillon said:

i'm honestly not trying to make this about me. i'm just mildly uncomfortable being the "inspiration" of such a life changing event. that's all. 

I know you weren’t trying to make it about you. See what happens. Maybe she just was having moment. 

brianlux

Oh boy, the deep dark spin cycle.  Neighbors were shooting again today.  The worst thing in the world for me is when people in the neighborhood target practice with guns.  What's worse is, we are in critical fire danger mode her in the Sierra Foothills.    CalFire put out a notice asking people not to engage in activities that could cause sparks, including chain sawing and target practicing.  But it is not prohibited.  So the proverbial question is:  What the hell is wrong with some people?  One spark from a bullet hitting something hard or metallic and the whole damn neighborhood could go up in flames.  People and animals could easily die. 

I would move, but there is no place safe to go until we get out from under the bookstore.

It's night now and the danger has passed, but my innards are still grinding and my head is in a whirl. 

Sorry, friends.  I needed to get that off my chest.

RogueStoner

brianlux said:

Oh boy, the deep dark spin cycle.  Neighbors were shooting again today.  The worst thing in the world for me is when people in the neighborhood target practice with guns.  What's worse is, we are in critical fire danger mode her in the Sierra Foothills.    CalFire put out a notice asking people not to engage in activities that could cause sparks, including chain sawing and target practicing.  But it is not prohibited.  So the proverbial question is:  What the hell is wrong with some people?  One spark from a bullet hitting something hard or metallic and the whole damn neighborhood could go up in flames.  People and animals could easily die. 

I would move, but there is no place safe to go until we get out from under the bookstore.

It's night now and the danger has passed, but my innards are still grinding and my head is in a whirl. 

Sorry, friends.  I needed to get that off my chest.

Oh wow. That would terrify me to the core. I don’t even know what to say other than hang in there and praying that your family and property all stay safe. 

brianlux

RogueStoner said:

brianlux said:

Oh boy, the deep dark spin cycle.  Neighbors were shooting again today.  The worst thing in the world for me is when people in the neighborhood target practice with guns.  What's worse is, we are in critical fire danger mode her in the Sierra Foothills.    CalFire put out a notice asking people not to engage in activities that could cause sparks, including chain sawing and target practicing.  But it is not prohibited.  So the proverbial question is:  What the hell is wrong with some people?  One spark from a bullet hitting something hard or metallic and the whole damn neighborhood could go up in flames.  People and animals could easily die. 

I would move, but there is no place safe to go until we get out from under the bookstore.

It's night now and the danger has passed, but my innards are still grinding and my head is in a whirl. 

Sorry, friends.  I needed to get that off my chest.

Oh wow. That would terrify me to the core. I don’t even know what to say other than hang in there and praying that your family and property all stay safe. 

Thank you RS.  So far so good.  When winter comes, things will be better- little if any chance of fire, less shooting, longer nights.  Night time is my friend.  Most nights, most of the booby traps of life are asleep.

lastexitlondon

My fuckin head is going to explode

deadendp

lastexitlondon said:

My fuckin head is going to explode

What's up, R?

RogueStoner

lastexitlondon said:

My fuckin head is going to explode

I’m sorry to hear that. What’s making you feel that way?

lastexitlondon

This fucking school bollocks. I had to go cry at my step sons school . And be around  more people than ive even seen in 6 months  to be told we get fined
 I said fine me. I aint got a dime. I feel impending  doom and ive had enough of this  illness and the struggle i just know i will be leaving my family soon because im not being  part of this. My panic is off the chart  way off

deadendp

lastexitlondon said:

This fucking school bollocks. I had to go cry at my step sons school . And be around  more people than ive even seen in 6 months  to be told we get fined
 I said fine me. I aint got a dime. I feel impending  doom and ive had enough of this  illness and the struggle i just know i will be leaving my family soon because im not being  part of this. My panic is off the chart  way off

I'm sorry, Rob.  I thought he was going the online option.  Is that no longer an option? 

lastexitlondon

No they  said  its a legal requirement to go school and only kids  with a dr letter that  must shield  can get work sent home.  He is now an unauthorized  absence.  

lastexitlondon

i got a tent . Im trying  it out incase my quick escape is imminent 

SmallestOceans

It's alright to say no 
Be a disappointment in your own home 
It's alright to turn it off 
Ignore the rules of the state 
It's your own 

It's alright to shut it down 
Disappear in thin air 
It's your home 
It's alright to be alone 
To listen for a heartbeat 
It's your own

Keep battling Rob, i been battling, the magic of life is worth the pain.

lastexitlondon

Thank you frank. The words fit perfectly. 

mickeyrat

RogueStoner said:

Thanks guys. If anything, she got a good idea of what kind of patient I am. What she’s in for. 

What did we do before post-it’s? Most of the time I forget something in the few seconds it takes to write it down. And I have significantly cut down on weed and booze. Like, a lot. I’m eating healthier too. I just have further to go. 

HFD, that is also my cycle right now. Add in the daily “shit! Is it morning already?” and it’s exact. 

I’ve been thinking about getting off of my meds but every time I did that in the past, I tried to kill myself. I can’t do that. One of my kids really needs me (God only knows why). I just gotta keep chugging along until it passes. 

Thanks all for being here. The friend that would understand me right now is gone. She killed herself. Third anniversary coming up in two weeks. Maybe that’s what’s triggering me? Damn I miss her! 

I always got a little hinky around my sisters anniversary. lurks there under the surface, in the background...

hedonist

I was listening to this song - yet again, and so damn fitting - and think I'll start a journal titled "The Face of Today".  I don't have Word on my computer and my handwriting's for shit sometimes (speed of mind exceeds that of writing) but I think it'll be helpful...a release, anyway, at least until I decide to go back to therapy or even after, if I do.

We'll see.
https://youtu.be/rZOsIfRJGKU

deadendp

Jedi,