A safe place for anxiety sufferers to share.

deadendp

hedonist said:

So good to see you, Nancy. Big hugs from California

+10,000!   

Fifthelement

Hi Nancy! *waves enthusiastically*

Nice to see you back.  You’ve been in my thoughts.  I hope you’re well.

brianlux

Always good to see you back here, Nancy.

brianlux

I Googled "Mood tests" (because I'm a curious kind of guy) and took a few of them.  I have to say, that was a really dumb thing to do.  My scores were not great- not great at all.  Dumb!   I mean, really, of course I'm depressed and have anxiety.  If I didn't, I'd probably worry that there is something wrong with me.  But pointing out those facts to myself... how dumb is that?  Dumb! 

deadendp

brianlux said:

I Googled "Mood tests" (because I'm a curious kind of guy) and took a few of them.  I have to say, that was a really dumb thing to do.  My scores were not great- not great at all.  Dumb!   I mean, really, of course I'm depressed and have anxiety.  If I didn't, I'd probably worry that there is something wrong with me.  But pointing out those facts to myself... how dumb is that?  Dumb! 

There will be no googling when you are already anxious. Good things cannot come from that. 

Have you started to tumble dry yet? 

lastexitlondon

Can be a moment  of realisation i guess. You prob would not have looked if you were well.!

HughFreakingDillon

web md is easily the worst thing on the planet for anyone with health anxiety. take it from someone who knows. 

lastexitlondon

I no way ever use google for medical things  at all.  Its the first  rule of health anxiety 

brianlux

deadendp said:

brianlux said:

I Googled "Mood tests" (because I'm a curious kind of guy) and took a few of them.  I have to say, that was a really dumb thing to do.  My scores were not great- not great at all.  Dumb!   I mean, really, of course I'm depressed and have anxiety.  If I didn't, I'd probably worry that there is something wrong with me.  But pointing out those facts to myself... how dumb is that?  Dumb! 

There will be no googling when you are already anxious. Good things cannot come from that. 

Have you started to tumble dry yet? 

Only in my dreams, lol.  But it was a good dream.  I was living right at the base of these beautiful mountains with snow on them and clear air and no worries.  A beautiful dream!

HughFreakingDillon said:

web md is easily the worst thing on the planet for anyone with health anxiety. take it from someone who knows. 

I hear you, brother!

lastexitlondon said:

I no way ever use google for medical things  at all.  Its the first  rule of health anxiety 

Very wise- I must follow that rule, my friend.

RogueStoner

Mood test huh? Sure, why not. I’m already down the rabbit hole. 

Purple Fairy Tree

I've been listening to some podcasts about wellbeing and working during the pandemic crisis which may also interest you: https://www.culturefirst.com/working-through-it/part-1-start-with-today#inside-culture-amp

RogueStoner

Ugh! I just missed a call from a therapist because I completely forgot I made the appointment and who she was so I didn’t recognize the name or take the call at first. My memory is so awful. I feel beyond stupid. And quickly moving towards hopeless. I can’t get my heart to stop pounding today. I can’t get my brain to work. I just want to sleep and start over tomorrow. 

hedonist

I live by reminders and post-it notes.

Just call her back; I’m sure it’s not a big deal for her. 

brianlux

hedonist said:

I live by reminders and post-it notes.

Just call her back; I’m sure it’s not a big deal for her. 

What on earth did we do before post-it notes?

Speaking of, where did I put that pad of post-its I was going to jot a note down on...? 

I've also taken to keeping a list on a sheet of steno paper in my desk drawer called: "Where I've stowed things list."  It includes such oddities as, "Emergency candles, hall closet, blue box." 

HughFreakingDillon

RogueStoner said:

Ugh! I just missed a call from a therapist because I completely forgot I made the appointment and who she was so I didn’t recognize the name or take the call at first. My memory is so awful. I feel beyond stupid. And quickly moving towards hopeless. I can’t get my heart to stop pounding today. I can’t get my brain to work. I just want to sleep and start over tomorrow. 

i understand this completely. my cycle for a couple years straight:

wakes up, wishes it were tomorrow
spends all day looking forward to sleep
spends all night trying to sleep
spends all morning wishing i slept
spends all afternoon wishing i could sleep now

depression and anxiety fuck with memory BIG TIME. that's proven. unfortunately you have to figure out a way to not want to sleep all the time. because it just doesn't work. i honestly don't recall what i did, if anything. i think it was just a natural thing that happened that i finally decided to start living in the present because there's no other way to survive. having kids helped/sucked. i wanted to kill myself because i thought they'd be better off without me, but eventually i knew they wouldn't be. so it was either live or exist. 

i'm not saying at all that it's that easy. i know all too well that it's not really a choice, but at the same time it kind of is. i mean, you don't choose any disease, but you choose to fight it. i lost my fight with depression 10,000 times, but then i won once. i may lose again. i'm sure i will. it's been a battle over 25 years. right now things are good. only thing i can do is try to live the best i can in hopes my "brain vitamins" (living positively) will help stave off future illness. 

it took me months to come out of it. meds helped, and now i'm off them. 

RogueStoner

Thanks guys. If anything, she got a good idea of what kind of patient I am. What she’s in for. 

What did we do before post-it’s? Most of the time I forget something in the few seconds it takes to write it down. And I have significantly cut down on weed and booze. Like, a lot. I’m eating healthier too. I just have further to go. 

HFD, that is also my cycle right now. Add in the daily “shit! Is it morning already?” and it’s exact. 

I’ve been thinking about getting off of my meds but every time I did that in the past, I tried to kill myself. I can’t do that. One of my kids really needs me (God only knows why). I just gotta keep chugging along until it passes. 

Thanks all for being here. The friend that would understand me right now is gone. She killed herself. Third anniversary coming up in two weeks. Maybe that’s what’s triggering me? Damn I miss her! 

deadendp

RogueStoner said:

Thanks guys. If anything, she got a good idea of what kind of patient I am. What she’s in for. 

What did we do before post-it’s? Most of the time I forget something in the few seconds it takes to write it down. And I have significantly cut down on weed and booze. Like, a lot. I’m eating healthier too. I just have further to go. 

HFD, that is also my cycle right now. Add in the daily “shit! Is it morning already?” and it’s exact. 

I’ve been thinking about getting off of my meds but every time I did that in the past, I tried to kill myself. I can’t do that. One of my kids really needs me (God only knows why). I just gotta keep chugging along until it passes. 

Thanks all for being here. The friend that would understand me right now is gone. She killed herself. Third anniversary coming up in two weeks. Maybe that’s what’s triggering me? Damn I miss her! 

I am so very sorry about your friend. 

Fifthelement

RogueStoner said:

Thanks guys. If anything, she got a good idea of what kind of patient I am. What she’s in for. 

What did we do before post-it’s? Most of the time I forget something in the few seconds it takes to write it down. And I have significantly cut down on weed and booze. Like, a lot. I’m eating healthier too. I just have further to go. 

HFD, that is also my cycle right now. Add in the daily “shit! Is it morning already?” and it’s exact. 

I’ve been thinking about getting off of my meds but every time I did that in the past, I tried to kill myself. I can’t do that. One of my kids really needs me (God only knows why). I just gotta keep chugging along until it passes. 

Thanks all for being here. The friend that would understand me right now is gone. She killed herself. Third anniversary coming up in two weeks. Maybe that’s what’s triggering me? Damn I miss her! 

I’m sorry your friend lost her battle. Her loss must weigh heavily in your heart.  (((Hugs)))

I’m glad you recognise that even though your meds aren’t working as effectively as you’d like right now, that coming off them isn’t currently an option. I hope that you will eventually be able to get your dosage sorted under your doctor’s care.  Confusion, distraction, and exhaustion really take their toll on mind and body.  Glad you’re reaching out.

hedonist

HughFreakingDillon said:

RogueStoner said:

Ugh! I just missed a call from a therapist because I completely forgot I made the appointment and who she was so I didn’t recognize the name or take the call at first. My memory is so awful. I feel beyond stupid. And quickly moving towards hopeless. I can’t get my heart to stop pounding today. I can’t get my brain to work. I just want to sleep and start over tomorrow. 

i understand this completely. my cycle for a couple years straight:

wakes up, wishes it were tomorrow
spends all day looking forward to sleep
spends all night trying to sleep
spends all morning wishing i slept
spends all afternoon wishing i could sleep now

depression and anxiety fuck with memory BIG TIME. that's proven. unfortunately you have to figure out a way to not want to sleep all the time. because it just doesn't work. i honestly don't recall what i did, if anything. i think it was just a natural thing that happened that i finally decided to start living in the present because there's no other way to survive. having kids helped/sucked. i wanted to kill myself because i thought they'd be better off without me, but eventually i knew they wouldn't be. so it was either live or exist. 

i'm not saying at all that it's that easy. i know all too well that it's not really a choice, but at the same time it kind of is. i mean, you don't choose any disease, but you choose to fight it. i lost my fight with depression 10,000 times, but then i won once. i may lose again. i'm sure i will. it's been a battle over 25 years. right now things are good. only thing i can do is try to live the best i can in hopes my "brain vitamins" (living positively) will help stave off future illness. 

it took me months to come out of it. meds helped, and now i'm off them. 

The bolded part really hits home. Not to hijack (though related), I recently had an epiphany that it wasn’t cirrhosis that stopped my boozing. It was me. Much like with my own anxiety, I will always have that addiction, and I will always continue to fight it.

And curse it, too (it’s worn out its welcome).

Same applies here too, I believe.

HughFreakingDillon

i don't know where to put this, but i'll put it here because it's causing me some anxiety. i messaged a friend two nights ago whom i haven't spoken to in years. I told her how she inspired me in our 20's to be a more independent thinker, more confident in myself, etc etc. 

she messaged me back a bombshell. my message gave her the courage to go through with ending her marriage. she said all the things i said about her were true, but my message made her realize she wasn't that person anymore. i was stunned. i'm not entirely sure how to process this. she said it's been brewing for some time, but the timing of my text to her couldn't have been more perfect. went on about the universe and such. 

i kinda feel terrible. i mean, i'm glad my words inspired her to make what she thinks is a positive change. but i'm worried that i may have inspired a huge mistake.