A safe place for anxiety sufferers to share.

lastexitlondon

HughFreakingDillon said:

lastexitlondon said:

So  i haven't  been here for a bit. I just had the call . My dad has a month or so left. Its a long long story our relationship.  I want to say so much . Im alone. So much happened  the last 10 years in our relationship.  And i thought  many times i might lose him. I lost him many times emotionally  and prepared  so many times. But  im ill prepared and im an outcast now for speaking  the actual truth. He was an alcoholic.  10 years sober  but it turns out his liver remembered . So many things  i need help working out. My siblings are there with him when he found out. Not  me. His new wife and my half sister hate me because  i spoke up for my full brother who they mistreated.  I lost my relationship  so my younger  brother could have his  relationship  with dad. I was always close but from  afar to dad as the  eldest. 
He left when i was 8 and bro was 6. To have to more kids with this  lady he had been cheating  with since my mum was young. Horrible. But  i love my 2 siblings from that marriage. They are full brother and sister to me. But i had to call out bad behaviour  towards chris  my full bro. And from then on half sis and step mum won't  speak  to me. My dad did bad things  to my mum and us by proxy. From alcoholism.  Not anyones fault but horrible. Chris didn't want to know  my dad. I always  spent my life trying.  Trying trying to get dad to notice me and us. I never gave up. Now chris is there with him and im here miles away  alone. They all recieved the news together.  But not me. Sorry this is long

ugh. I really don't know what to say to this. This sounds so incredibly complex. All I would try to do (and this is easy to say but would be very hard for me to do) is swallow whatever pride you have in the moment and speak your truth to your dad. Don't worry about whatever reaction you might get from others. Think of what you'd regret not saying/doing and say/do it. And then let it be and move on and let the universe take it from there. All you can control is you. 

You made a sacrifice for your brother and you should be proud that you did that. In the end, we have to live with ourselves, and you can do that knowing you did the right thing, as much as you lost because of it. 

Great advice my friend 

Fifthelement

@lastexitlondon
Sending love your way Rob.

HFD has some great advice there. Saying goodbye is never easy.  Do what’s best for yourself, what you can live with.  (((Hugs)))

lastexitlondon

I made it to dads. So many tears here and distress its 3 hrs away.  I plan to come  back  next  week if i can.  Trying to make things "normal " with only  weeks to go

lastexitlondon

I fixed all the  things that were wrong  its what my dad wanted  to go in peace. With us all friends .we had this picture. 

lastexitlondon

My sister took it. I wish my brother had a shirt on. But dad insisted we all went in the sea. It was about minus 50 in there.

hedonist

Way to go, Rob. I know that was difficult for you.

And nice pic! Your dad looks happy. 

lastexitlondon

Thank you
His wish was i apologise to my sister  and make it right.  So i did. And we were togther. Must be honest. Saying goodbye i thought  i wont be back. I might get to. But holding his hand he couldn't  let go. Killed me like nothing  else has. 
I appreciate  you guys being  here 

Purple Fairy Tree

Im sorry for your loss Rob :_(

Fifthelement

Good for you Rob. Glad you went.  

Matts3221

Really good on your Rob.  I am sure this was hard and I honestly did not have advice on your last post as how could one ever understand a lifetime of family entanglement.

I hope this brought you , your father and your family some peace.  

lastexitlondon

Ive got a health  issue atm i may need a colonoscopy  and all i can think is cancer .
Ive been in bed crying and scared  all weekend. My dad and his brother  both on palliative care and weeks to live. Health anxiety  is the worst part in all this. I now have nothing  but fear and voices  and scenarios of my own death. 
Thank  you to all of you who care. H .A is a lonely illness. So fucking lonely.  
The victims in all of this  are my kids and my beautiful  partner. She is struggling  with her own daughters  mental health 
 We are having to look after  her autistic  son.
My poor  4 year old .  The shame is i can't  lift selfish ass out of my pit of despair.  Im dead in my mind and living  like it.

lastexitlondon

Matts3221 said:

Really good on your Rob.  I am sure this was hard and I honestly did not have advice on your last post as how could one ever understand a lifetime of family entanglement.

I hope this brought you , your father and your family some peace.  

Thanks matt it did do that. I made peace amd swallowed  my pride and truth  for the wishes of my dad. And i now have my sister back.

lastexitlondon

Well that all ended in the  most odd way.
Me and my brother  were told NOT to go to my dads side as he lay dying
 Only  my sister amd brother that are 26 and 28. Were told to be there and nurse  him. 
 His 2 children that he lived with all their lives.
So me and my bro 44 .
Had to sit and wait for a call whilst comforting  my youngest who  was traumatised through the harrowing end of life procedure.
All very weird and heartless. Typical 

Fifthelement

lastexitlondon said:

Well that all ended in the  most odd way.
Me and my brother  were told NOT to go to my dads side as he lay dying
 Only  my sister amd brother that are 26 and 28. Were told to be there and nurse  him. 
 His 2 children that he lived with all their lives.
So me and my bro 44 .
Had to sit and wait for a call whilst comforting  my youngest who  was traumatised through the harrowing end of life procedure.
All very weird and heartless. Typical 

I’m sorry the ending wasn’t what you had anticipated.  My condolences.  I imagine you’re having a lot of different, complicated emotions right now. Look after yourself as best you can. (((Hugs)))

HughFreakingDillon

my anxiety has become the worst its ever been. Summer is always a tough time for me. No idea why. I love summer and look forward to it every year, then all of a sudden, BAM, my breathing gets laboured, I get light headed, nauseous, my eyelid twitches become nearly constant, I start non-stop googling symptoms; it's awful. Today is one of the worst days so far. 

I tried so hard to go back on my meds, but the side effects over 5 weeks (maybe I mentioned this before) were just terrible. But I'm starting to think the point I'm at now is even worse. 

I was doing so well. I had decided to quit hard liquor, and most booze about a month ago. Had a fabulous couple weeks without my routine cyclical "drink on friday and saturday, have crippling anxiety for 3 or 4 days, feel good for 1, then decided to do it all over again" thing. Then we went to a friend's cottage for the weekend. Made the BIG mistake of buying a bottle of Crown on the Friday and downed the entire thing after having a bunch of beers and weed. The hangover lasted 2 days. It was hell. I refused to hair of the dog it, even though I knew it would temp fix it. But now I'm in REAL hell. I can handle feeling physically ill. But this....this is....something else entirely. Mainly because the mental begets the physical. 

Being at work is so difficult. Working from home I could go to my happy place (lie down on my bed while I breathed deeply). I can't do that here....no reprieve. Keyed up for 8 or so hours straight is terrible on the body and mind. 

If I do get through this, obviously I won't be touching hard liquor again. I won't forget this. EVER. 

Fifthelement

HughFreakingDillon said:

my anxiety has become the worst its ever been. Summer is always a tough time for me. No idea why. I love summer and look forward to it every year, then all of a sudden, BAM, my breathing gets laboured, I get light headed, nauseous, my eyelid twitches become nearly constant, I start non-stop googling symptoms; it's awful. Today is one of the worst days so far. 

I tried so hard to go back on my meds, but the side effects over 5 weeks (maybe I mentioned this before) were just terrible. But I'm starting to think the point I'm at now is even worse. 

I was doing so well. I had decided to quit hard liquor, and most booze about a month ago. Had a fabulous couple weeks without my routine cyclical "drink on friday and saturday, have crippling anxiety for 3 or 4 days, feel good for 1, then decided to do it all over again" thing. Then we went to a friend's cottage for the weekend. Made the BIG mistake of buying a bottle of Crown on the Friday and downed the entire thing after having a bunch of beers and weed. The hangover lasted 2 days. It was hell. I refused to hair of the dog it, even though I knew it would temp fix it. But now I'm in REAL hell. I can handle feeling physically ill. But this....this is....something else entirely. Mainly because the mental begets the physical. 

Being at work is so difficult. Working from home I could go to my happy place (lie down on my bed while I breathed deeply). I can't do that here....no reprieve. Keyed up for 8 or so hours straight is terrible on the body and mind. 

If I do get through this, obviously I won't be touching hard liquor again. I won't forget this. EVER. 

Sounds like it’s an absolutely shit time for you right now.  I’m so sorry.  I hope you are able to get things back under control soon.  Sending you (((hugs))).

HughFreakingDillon

thanks Fifth. I appreciate it. Today is slightly better. But we have another cottage trip to a friend's this weekend and a big 50th birthday party on Saturday. The guy is stocked to the GILLS with Crown Royal at all times. It's going to take all of my strength (which I don't feel is very much). I told my wife today that maybe I just shouldn't go. But then the kids would be so sad. And I can't keep recusing myself from life because of this. I have to try to push through, and take rests when needed. But hibernating can't be the solution (even thought I've used that several times in the past). 

Purple Fairy Tree

@HughFreakingDillon
I reackon you'll feel better if you keep drinking lots of water or other non-alcoholic fluid. Just keep hydrated, whether you drink anymore alcohol or not!

lastexitlondon

I typed a long reply out earlier  and its gone. Hmm i wonder  where i posted it by mistake.

HughFreakingDillon

I saw this earlier and wondered if you posted it to the wrong thread:

https://community.pearljam.com/discussion/comment/7553892#Comment_7553892

HughFreakingDillon

West Coast Dreamgirl said:

@HughFreakingDillon
I reackon you'll feel better if you keep drinking lots of water or other non-alcoholic fluid. Just keep hydrated, whether you drink anymore alcohol or not!

yeah, I've always been a big water drinker (very paranoid about stones! no logical reason why lol). so I'm sure that will help. I did learn a long time ago that water is the best thing to drink for anxiety. 

I'm just really worried about the damage I've done to myself after 3 decades of partying. 

lastexitlondon

Yes thats it
 Ffs see anxiety  fucks many things  up. Like today i went to that pop up shop i still hadnt eaten for 2 days. Weak as fuck found my credit  card denied. Had to borrow money and thanks to tempo who sent me money on the  spot. 
It was all abit much for me and there were  only a few hundred  people and all out doors.
 Im no longer cut out for all this. 
HfD know that i feel you. I tried weed. Makes me have bowel issues i think.  Drink  i fucking hate but i go to it. Not like before but just pills no good
 Pills and weed no good. Pills weed and drink no good. Being  totally sober of anything or meds. I cannot do it. I really think this is me now
 Fucked. Its horrible  and people are bored of me. Keep going my friend  you  are not alone.

cblock4life

HughFreakingDillon said:

thanks Fifth. I appreciate it. Today is slightly better. But we have another cottage trip to a friend's this weekend and a big 50th birthday party on Saturday. The guy is stocked to the GILLS with Crown Royal at all times. It's going to take all of my strength (which I don't feel is very much). I told my wife today that maybe I just shouldn't go. But then the kids would be so sad. And I can't keep recusing myself from life because of this. I have to try to push through, and take rests when needed. But hibernating can't be the solution (even thought I've used that several times in the past). 

I hate giving my opinion because I’m not a trained professional and I do tend to be a little direct.  Maybe it’s cause I’m sooo much older than y’all.  So feel free to tell me to go fuck myself and that will honestly be fine.  

If you’re having issues with what may happen at this next party, stay away from it.  Do something else with your kids and they’ll probably enjoy it even more even though they’ll never tell you that.  They’ll get over not going to the party and one day they’ll understand why when they’re not just thinking of themselves all day everyday (I know this because all kids are the same! It’s hysterical) I think the best you can do for your daughters right now is to concentrate on getting well.  God willing, and if you succeed, there’ll be many parties in the future to attend.  Panic attacks are nothing to mess with.  They beat your mind so much that your body ends up exhausted (ever feel like that?). 

You only have to hibernate if you allow it to happen. Get better….then go see the world differently than you have been.  You’re a strong person and the first step is knowing what the problem is, which you do.  I spent many days lying on the boardroom floor trying to make the pains in my chest subside on those occasionally overly stressful days.  Your mind may be hurting your body probably worse than the booze, weed, etc..  
talk to your wife, talk to somebody.  One day, one step at a time.  You know the answer so you just need to take the first step

lastexitlondon

When is enough . Enough. Been a long long long road to absolutely  nowhere. Dragging  my heavy ass along to just slump in the corner and  realise im just sinking in my own shit. 

a5pj

HughFreakingDillon said:

West Coast Dreamgirl said:

@HughFreakingDillon
I reackon you'll feel better if you keep drinking lots of water or other non-alcoholic fluid. Just keep hydrated, whether you drink anymore alcohol or not!

yeah, I've always been a big water drinker (very paranoid about stones! no logical reason why lol). so I'm sure that will help. I did learn a long time ago that water is the best thing to drink for anxiety. 

I'm just really worried about the damage I've done to myself after 3 decades of partying. 

Cold water is best, actual science behind how it calms your body down.
I drank for like 20 years, only thing you can do is stop and move on, and your body will thank you. I had stomach issues, which I found were were directly related to anxiety. Drinking would help the anxiety but ruin my stomach - lovely cycle. Really bad marriage didn't help either, realized that along the way and it's so much better now. Divorce is a good thing.

OffSheGoes35

Divorce can be a good thing, but don't ever go into it thinking you will soon find a better relationship. Better to go into it thinking about whether being alone is ultimately better than staying in the marriage. 

lastexitlondon

Ive just been completely  let down and belittled.  And what's  more angered by our so called emergency  mental health services.  I wrote my last statement  as i was outside about to go in to my appointment.  I told the truth in there  .   I was  open
 Scared. Alone  and most of all honest.  Im so angry and let down
 Instead  of offering  me any help . A phone  call in oct!  I was  referred  after telling my dr i didn't  want to do this  anymore.   Now social  services  are involved.  Now  anyone who knows me. @tempo_n_groove knows  i spend  my "good" days gardening  with my 5 year old  who is my best friend.  

I told this  guy  who just rang back to tell me this. " this is how you lose a patient. And this  is how you  make fear.  In someone scared  already for thier life. " i said j wont  use tgr service  ever
 Ever again. So that next time.  Thats  a dead dad.  3 times  now awful experience  with  them.  DONT ASK FOR HELP.  Is the actual facts. Now they  want my  5 year  olds d.o.b
School  address and someone will come and snoop around.  Fuck  them and fuck it all.

tempo_n_groove

lastexitlondon said:

Ive just been completely  let down and belittled.  And what's  more angered by our so called emergency  mental health services.  I wrote my last statement  as i was outside about to go in to my appointment.  I told the truth in there  .   I was  open
 Scared. Alone  and most of all honest.  Im so angry and let down
 Instead  of offering  me any help . A phone  call in oct!  I was  referred  after telling my dr i didn't  want to do this  anymore.   Now social  services  are involved.  Now  anyone who knows me. @tempo_n_groove knows  i spend  my "good" days gardening  with my 5 year old  who is my best friend.  

I told this  guy  who just rang back to tell me this. " this is how you lose a patient. And this  is how you  make fear.  In someone scared  already for thier life. " i said j wont  use tgr service  ever
 Ever again. So that next time.  Thats  a dead dad.  3 times  now awful experience  with  them.  DONT ASK FOR HELP.  Is the actual facts. Now they  want my  5 year  olds d.o.b
School  address and someone will come and snoop around.  Fuck  them and fuck it all.

Fuck them in the neck Rob.

Sorry you aren't feeling so hot Rob.  Tell your daughter her yank friend from NY says HI!

lastexitlondon

I swear chris ive been under the  mental health services  2 twice  before and both times  i  got  discharged  against my will.  I mean what kind of service  doesnt  hear this guy.  Now i didn't  even ask to go. The  g.p sent me. Now they "assess  " me. i.e interrogate me. Fuck this. Ive raised  4 kids. 23. 20 18 and now 5. All the  elders are working rax paying citizens  other  at university  studying  neuro science.  And they have the fuckin balls  to send social services.   I feel so angry and let down.  So where  are we told to go for  help

HughFreakingDillon

I'm sorry the system is failing you Rob. I know. It's hard. I've had two psychiatrists. One laughed me out of our first meeting ("crazy people don't know they're crazy-you're fine! LOL) and the second was nice enough but he was honest that his caseload was simply too high to take on a patient like me for the long haul. I wasn't bad off enough for him.