Friend at work just cutting me off for no known reason

Thoughts_Arrive

Well if them two are not an item then it would hurt more. I think she's just found someone she likes to hang around more, maybe he's funnier and more fun than me. People's tastes change I guess, they get sick of someone or something and move on.

Thank you for the advice and the harsh truths.
My problem is also my extreme shyness which stops me from joining in.
I've always had that fear, at school and at short courses I've done for work, people always start mingling and I just sit on my own scared to approach people and groups of people.

Thoughts_Arrive

Perhaps I am just a misanthrope? :?

Thoughts_Arrive

backseatLover12 wrote:

AllNiteThing wrote:

You've ignored a plethora of advice here and are still focusing on wallowing in your negativity. If you're so turned inside out and stuck wondering what you did to piss this woman off, simply man up and ask her face to face. Sucking your thumb and slinking off into the shadows hasn't been working for you, has it? Take some responsibility for your life and act rather than being a bystander. You say that you give, give, give to people and are continuously pissed on, but everything else you've told us contradicts that. You don't put yourself out there in activities, you don't participate in idle chit chat to get to know people and you've been very judgemental about what others do with their spare time.

To fix your depression, you need to be a little more outgoing, stop focusing on what you THINK others think about you and offer something of value to others that would make them want to be around you. Don't just expect the world to present you with friends and life mates while you sit on the couch. Join some groups, get to know what other people are interested in and who they are, be friendly to strangers or those you think you know, but don't really. Also, eat well, exercise and get fresh air regularly. Take control of you.

A little abrasive, but bravo.

I'm done posting in a thread attempting to help an OP who just wants attention to his problem and is not interested in the advice given, nor helping himself.

How do you know I am not interested in the advice? I never said no to any suggestion here.

Thoughts_Arrive

MayDay10 wrote:

whatever happened with this?

viewtopic.php?f=14&t=202238&start=270

I recalled this thread and thought it was you. A 19 page thread with you smitten with a girl, tentative to ask her out, only to really come to this conclusion:

She invited me to the movie night before our date.
I already know these people going to the movie night and I don't have anything in common with them. Add to that I don't particularly like some of these people they are immature tools. Not keen on going.

She is nice and talkative but I wasn't 100% sold on her because:
* admitted to me during the date she never cooks and cannot cook, I need someone I can settle down with and I won't have to do all the cooking.
* Not to sound mean but she isn't as articulate as me and I don't feel she is on the same level intellectually, not saying she is stupid but I just felt more mature during conversation.
* I don't like her friends and her uncle and cousins (we had a fall out over some lies they spread about me and my family)
* I am friends with her brother but we haven't seen each other in a long time.

I can tell that you are "wired" pretty similar to me. I have the same feelings about the "masses" and a general disinterest in small talk/socializing. You are focused on a few "interests" where you have extensive knowledge, and conversation on those subjects is even frustrating unless it is with someone who also has a fairly advanced understanding of those subjects and can speak intelligently. You look at various small talk as a sign of "simpletons" but you still look out at the world as a bit lost. Also that creates severe social anxiety, a depleted self image, and general bashfulness... which also lends to a paranoia complex. I am the same way and always have had trouble dealing with it. Honestly, I think we are somewhere on the autism spectrum.

Oh her, I told her I like her and she told me "I see you as a friend, sorry" "don't worry you'll find someone" "how awkward" "I'm flattered".
I suck at women.
Btw, doubt I am autistic.

hedonist

Thoughts_Arrive wrote:

How do you know I am not interested in the advice? I never said no to any suggestion here.

I don't know you beyond a few posts...but yeah, you seem to have deflected some sound advice and insights.

Think I'm done here too, but again, wish you well and hope you can get over.

(whelmed by the grace)

Leave the labels at the door. You want others to do the same for you, no?

As you hopefully change, grow - allow others to do the same, even if their path doesn't include you.

And if you wish them well from the wayside?

Well hell...talk about grace - that'd be it right there.

polaris_x

Thoughts_Arrive wrote:

Thank you for the advice and the harsh truths.
My problem is also my extreme shyness which stops me from joining in.
I've always had that fear, at school and at short courses I've done for work, people always start mingling and I just sit on my own scared to approach people and groups of people.

hey ... you're starting to talk some sense now! ...

i wouldn't classify you as a misanthrope ... i think you are kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place ... on one hand you have social anxiety; you long to be part of a social group that is comfortable ... yet, on the other your anxiety and discomfort makes it hard for you to integrate ... as you get older - these things only get worse over time ...

i think the first thing you need to do is recognize all these things about yourself as well as some other key facts ...

1. there are a lot of other people that are in similar situations
2. yes, there are a lot of shallow people out there (growing exponentially every day i'd say); but there is a lot of genuine people to
3. you need to accept certain aspects of your personality - there are some things you can't change or at least are unwilling to change ... if that is the case, you will need to adapt to those aspects

my next suggestion is to get yourself in projects that interest you ... integrate into social circles but don't look for long term mates right off the get go ... start with establishing acquaintances first ... get to know people ... slowly allow yourself to open up ... allow people to get to know you (the good and the bad) ... don't put too much pressure on yourself ... it will get easier over time ... and hopefully, one day you will have alleviated some of the anxiety you feel and express in social settings ... it may get worse before it gets better but you have to first acknowledge what your trying to address ...

good luck

backseatLover12

Thoughts_Arrive wrote:

backseatLover12 wrote:

AllNiteThing wrote:

You've ignored a plethora of advice here and are still focusing on wallowing in your negativity. If you're so turned inside out and stuck wondering what you did to piss this woman off, simply man up and ask her face to face. Sucking your thumb and slinking off into the shadows hasn't been working for you, has it? Take some responsibility for your life and act rather than being a bystander. You say that you give, give, give to people and are continuously pissed on, but everything else you've told us contradicts that. You don't put yourself out there in activities, you don't participate in idle chit chat to get to know people and you've been very judgemental about what others do with their spare time.

To fix your depression, you need to be a little more outgoing, stop focusing on what you THINK others think about you and offer something of value to others that would make them want to be around you. Don't just expect the world to present you with friends and life mates while you sit on the couch. Join some groups, get to know what other people are interested in and who they are, be friendly to strangers or those you think you know, but don't really. Also, eat well, exercise and get fresh air regularly. Take control of you.

A little abrasive, but bravo.

I'm done posting in a thread attempting to help an OP who just wants attention to his problem and is not interested in the advice given, nor helping himself.

How do you know I am not interested in the advice? I never said no to any suggestion here.

You keep talking about the girl. You keep wallowing in yourself. You talk about your personality. You talk about your communication style. Yet, you've said nothing about moving on. There won't be many people who will continue to come around someone who won't help himself. All you seem to want to do is talk about yourself and why the girl doesn't like you the way you like her. You need to get over this. It's gotten ridiculous.

That said, good luck, I hope you take that first step soon. For your health and sanity. Do it for your sanity, for God's sake!!!

And as far as being shy - I was painfully shy growing up, yet I knew that I didn't want to be shy. It took my entire 40 years to finally get over shyness - because living with that sort of social fear is not good for anyone, but especially for yourself. Find the courage to stop being shy, because it's not an excuse. Living with that kind of anxiety is awful, I know.

Annafalk

You were talking about shyness, I know how that feels..
I guess I don't take things so serious as I did before worrying about what everyone thinks and such..
If you are thinking that you want to say something but are unsure, You can think like this;

Two of three should be answered yes on the matter you want to say:

1. Is it true?
2. Is it kind?
3. Is it necessary?

(Maybe this was old news, I don't know)

I don't think small talk must be something bad, if it's honest questions and people truly cares about the answers.
I think it's ok to say; I don't feel too good, feeling a bit blue..or something like that, I think people can relate and understand, lot's of people have been trough depressions..maybe someone has some good advises, people can seem superficial but they probably have other sides as well.

I hope you will feel better soon

callen

dimitrispearljam wrote:

yeah,some people mistreat their friends with no reason,its sad..

Pretty common. You do your best, treat people as you'd want to be treated and they take advantage. Once you get into relationship like this have to cut your losses and hope they see they blew a good thing so next person they befriend may get better friend/partner. There are good people aNd there are bad. Life's short, leave the bad.

Thoughts_Arrive

She texted me out of the blue today, first I've heard of her in almost 3 weeks.
Wished me a happy new year and all the best.
She also told me that her friend suddenly died recently and that that is why she has been acting different around me lately, told me she didn't know how to handle her own pain and my pain.

I feel like the biggest asshole jerk on Earth right now.

Here I was having all sorts of ideas, her ditching me, her having an affair, her not wanting to hang around a depressed person.
I feel so fucking horrible right now.
But am relieved to hear she still cares about me and there was a reason for all this.

I called her and we had a long chat, I told her how I was feeling and what I was thinking were the reasons for her not wanting to hang out with me.
She's such a sweet soul, I just feel terrible, I apologised to her.
I am kind of regretting telling her these things on the phone, I told her I understand why, just don't want her feeling bad now.

I did not expect this today on new years day.
I was feeling down about stuff today then got her text.
I am kind of kicking myself for saying somethings on the phone, maybe I could have not revealed some things, but it's my nature, I am an honest person, too honest for my own good at times.

slobberdog68

some words when spoken....can't be taken back.
I feel like if she was a true friend, she wouldn't have ditched you like that no matter what
the circumstances were. You can't figure people out, worry about yourself for the New Year

backseatLover12

slobberdog68 wrote:

some words when spoken....can't be taken back.
I feel like if she was a true friend, she wouldn't have ditched you like that no matter what
the circumstances were. You can't figure people out, worry about yourself for the New Year

Don't be a pushover, OP! There's nothing more appealing than a person with a spine. Don't fall for any tricks from this girl. It appears that she may merely be using you when it's convenient.

PJ_Soul

slobberdog68 wrote:

some words when spoken....can't be taken back.
I feel like if she was a true friend, she wouldn't have ditched you like that no matter what
the circumstances were. You can't figure people out, worry about yourself for the New Year

That's my reaction too. Here you are calling yourself an asshole and feeling guilty and oh so sorry for her and everything.... Sorry, but SHE is the asshole here, no matter what might have happened to a friend of hers. I can't believe how easy it was for her to draw you back in when she happened to feel like it after treating you so poorly for so long and after everything that has happened. This chick has you absolutely wrapped around her little finger! I think you should stay the hell away from her! She sounds like a man-eater!

mickeyrat

so heres where we are now, he was all up in arms about what he perceived as an "dumping" by his friend. Was going to blah blah blah. Now he finds out something WAS in fact going on but not what he thought it was. So he feels like an asshole.

Guess what folks. It doesnt matter what happens in his life. He uses it as an excuse to be an asshole to himself. Period.

Forgive but I'm a little pissed. He has answered EVERY single other post usually with soem excuse or other BS reason to discount whats offered, but I post something that connects him with others who walk in his shoes and can give support that no one else can and it gets ignored. He doesnt want help. he wants attention and the sympathy that comes from this place.

Good luck, go sell that story to the papers, cuz I'm no longer buying it.

Thoughts_Arrive

mickeyrat wrote:

so heres where we are now, he was all up in arms about what he perceived as an "dumping" by his friend. Was going to blah blah blah. Now he finds out something WAS in fact going on but not what he thought it was. So he feels like an asshole.

Guess what folks. It doesnt matter what happens in his life. He uses it as an excuse to be an asshole to himself. Period.

Forgive but I'm a little pissed. He has answered EVERY single other post usually with soem excuse or other BS reason to discount whats offered, but I post something that connects him with others who walk in his shoes and can give support that no one else can and it gets ignored. He doesnt want help. he wants attention and the sympathy that comes from this place.

Good luck, go sell that story to the papers, cuz I'm no longer buying it.

Sorry if I have pissed you off, I am not after sympathy, just advice.
This place is full of great people with good advice.
I am seeking advice here because I have nowhere else to receive it.
I am very confused by this situation and don't know how to handle it right now.
How am I an asshole to myself? I'm hurt for being treated how I've been treated but I understand if someone is going through a tough time that they cannot be there.

I don't know if I should be upset at her or not, I feel bad she's lost someone recently.
But how recent I don't know, I should have asked her.
She started acting weird a while ago, but her text said she's had a lot going on in her life recently, I guess the passing of her friend was one of them.

I still have a strong feeling she is having something going on with our colleague.
In a way I was starting to get over it and feel better lately, now I feel like I am back to where I was when I started this thread, kind of wish I didn't get a text, I regret opening up so much during our phone chat.