Hi Thoughts Arrive, sorry that you're going through such a rough time with your close friend and with your mood/thoughts about it all. It sounds like you have invested a lot in your friend emotionally. My unsolicited 2 cents for what it is worth is find a GP and counsellor (psych or social worker) that you trust and discuss any troubling thoughts and feelings with them. Objective, professional and consistent support can be very helpful at times of high emotional need - sometimes friends may feel overwhelmed or like they are unable to help. I agree with everyone else about talking to your friend (without making her responsible for what you feel). Acknowledge the change in the friendship, that you miss your lunches - it would be great to go to lunch together eg. 3rd Wednesday of the month. Don't give up on all women, or assume that you know what all women want. Put yourself in the path of more women so you can get to know more women in all their diverse personalities eg. Join a ballroom dancing class - become one of the sought after and few male dance partners! I hope I don't sound flippant (I don't mean to) but give yourself a better chance of meeting someone by getting professional support and giving yourself permission to play, love, fall and get up again. I wish you all the best mate. Mx
Already see a psychologist regularly, have spoken to him about this.
Thanks mate.
Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
And it happened again today.
They leave the office separately and come back in one at a time.
They think I am stupid and cannot see what's going on.
To make it worse she gives me this cheery friendly tone of voice when she speaks to me or calls my name.
Fake!
I really held this girl in high regard, thought she was one of a kind and she cold heartedly does this to me.
I cannot trust anyone again, too many people have mistreated me when I have shown I am loyal and care.
I ask myself, am I the problem, is there something wrong with me?
Am strongly considering leaving the company, this has hurt me big time, I just want to move on and leave it behind. Feel anxious walking in every day to face them.
Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
Yes, I did have feelings for her more than friendship, she's a very down to Earth, warm person, or so I thought.
And I thought she had the same feelings, always doing kind things for me, being touchy feely with me, and even wanting to stay late at work with me whilst I was doing extra hours just to 'hang out with me' as she said. Even drove me home from work so I did not have to commute by transport in bad rain, she lives on the other end of town and drove all the way, I didn't ask, she kept insisting.
It's like she's gone from one extreme to the other so sudden.
I don't think I told her anything to upset her.
She knows lately I've had a breakdown, maybe she doesn't want to hang around a depressed person?
I want to know why but am scared I may come across as confrontational.
What I am most hurt by is that I've always been there in her time of need and she ditches me when I am in need of a friend.
Should I tell her how much she has hurt me?
If she has feelings for the other guy I can accept that, even though I am disappointed because she was someone I thought I may have a chance with, it's just that sudden cut off.
I did tell my manager that this played a part in my recent spiral, my manager called her into her office last Friday which she never has done before, not sure if she said anything. But after that my work friend asked me via office chat IM if I brought lunch and said her and her new best friend are eating at a local restaurant.
I came along, she bought me lunch.
Then this week when I want to hang out she runs off.
Heck I feel like resigning from this, cannot bear this hurt and facing them every day.
In the new year I am moving back to her team and she will be my team leader to make things worse.
I had a feeling we weren't getting the whole story.
So apparently she's partially or mostly cut you off recently, just after you went to your manager, correct? I am confused as to what you told your manager exactly or what she did as part of you depression if she didn't really cut you off until after you went to your manager? Were you depressed that she had found another friend to go to lunch with sometimes?
Regardless of the timing of when you went to the manager, that has definitely played a huge part in her cutting you off, actually it's probably the main part. Her and her friend know exactly what you're doing when you're sitting by the entrance when they come back from lunch. Stop doing that.
I initially said that you should approach her and ask her straight up what's wrong. You can still do that for piece of mind, but whatever you do, don't tell her what she 'did to you', how she's made you feel bad or be accusatory in any way. All you want to do is ask if you did something wrong because you feel your relationship has changed. However, after learning of you going to your manager, you pretty much know what you did.
As others have said, you just need to back off, act like you don't care and be cool. Watching them come and go is not cool. Telling your manager or other coworkers about your feelings or if she hurt you is not cool. Make other friends, be cordial to her and don't press anything or be weird. Maybe apologize eventually for bringing her name up to your manager if you do talk to her or sometime in the future, but don't push it.
Sometimes when we like someone we do stupid things and it can spiral out of control trying to make up for it or chasing after someone as we're pushing them away. All you're doing is pushing her farther and farther away with everything you're doing. Just chill out for a while, find a hobby, talk to different people and just put her out of your mind. It might seem like the hardest thing in the world to do right now, but trust me, it will work out for you. Just keep your head straight. You are in control.
24 years old, mid-life crisis
nowadays hits you when you're young
yes, Allnightthing is dead on. It is exactly what I was trying to say, but came out a bit course typing on a cell phone.
Read every word of that post and take it like gospel.
lol thanks. Like I said...most of us have been there before. It's so much easier to know what you should do when you're not in the middle of the situation, but the advice is always the same. Be cool, don't push it and move on (at least externally).
Another thing, OP: Do not, whatever you do, for all that is holy, I repeat DO NOT quit your job. That is the absolute worst thing (well, almost) that you can do right now and you will forever kick yourself for it. If you have to get out of there, start applying for other jobs and focus all of that depression energy into a job search. Don't leave this job until you have a concrete offer somewhere else. I had a friend all broken up over a girl he was dating for a couple of years, so he quit his 6-figure job because he was depressed. 6-FIGURES!!!!!! He took some time off and when he felt alright to work again, he had trouble finding anything and settled for a temp job making half as much. Don't be that guy. :nono:
24 years old, mid-life crisis
nowadays hits you when you're young
well ... i would say i read 50% of the thread to date ...
i would say this "friend" is not cutting you off for no reason ... she is into another guy at work ... whatever feelings she may have had for you are no longer there ... she may still like you as a friend but she's on another "love" project now so you are disposable ... in this day and age - it is harder to establish true friendships ... my advice to anyone is that if you do have true and good friends - you cherish those relationships as sometimes they are more valuable than family ...
i would also say to you that the crux of your feelings now are tied into you wanting more out of this relationship than is currently available ... although getting ditched as a friend is bad also ... doing it so poorly is also bad form on her part ...
but most people don't have the capacity to feel for people in that way ... to see how their actions may hurt others ... she probably also feels like she doesn't owe you an explanation ...
most guys have probably gone through this with a girl at some point ... it sucks ... if it's any consolation - nice guys do better long term ... just don't be afraid of putting yourself out there ... nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight (can't believe i'm quoting bruce cockburn) ... it may feel like shit when it doesn't but if you don't - you won't get to experience what your heart truly desires ...
and lastly ... at some point you will have to understand what kind of person you are and come to terms with all that is good and bad so that you can be confident in the person you are ... that way when things don't go your way on an interpersonal way - you don't automatically fall into a self-defacing mode ... where you question your worth as a person ... work on you for a while ... gain back your sense of being ... that way when you allow yourself to be hurt - it won't be so bad ...
And it happened again today. I cannot trust anyone again, too many people have mistreated me when I have shown I am loyal and care.
I ask myself, am I the problem, is there something wrong with me?
Am strongly considering leaving the company, this has hurt me big time, I just want to move on and leave it behind. Feel anxious walking in every day to face them.
This is coming from a woman's perspective and if you were my son, this is what I would be telling him.
1. You will trust people again. This is just a stepping stone in your life. You've heard the saying "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" it is true.
2. If you are not already, you need to get on some antidepressants for your depression, even if it's just to give you the little help you need to get through this ordeal. You don't have to stay on them for life.
3. DO NOT quit your job! You go in there every day with your head held high, you did nothing wrong! Don't even look in this girls direction, let her go to lunch with this guy all she wants, if you guys had such a great friendship, she will be back when this thing fizzles out, hopefully you won't care by the time that happens.
4. Stop looking for a girlfriend/soulmate/wife etc...., you cannot be happy with someone until you are happy with yourself
5. Start some type of exercise program, for the simple fact, it makes you feel better and is good for your health. Most girls I know could give a shit less about muscles! What is the most attractive quality in any man or woman is confidence and when you know who you are and what you want in life you will find someone who brings out the best in you.
You sound like a real nice guy but you need to pull up your boot straps and deal with what is going on in your life and make whatever improvements you need to live a happy life. You cannot change people, no matter how hard you try. If you really need to know why this girl is blowing you off, ask her. If she is the person that you thought she was, she will be honest with you and If she doesn't tell you the honest truth, fuck her, that should make it even easier to move on. Anyway, just my 2 cents. Take Good Care of Yourself.
Post edited by slobberdog68 on
Make sure the fortune that you seek
Is the fortune that you need
Dude, dont worry, you'll be OK. This is a cure-list for you.
- Don't talk to her about the situation. The thing is; you didnt act on time with her and she moved on to the next guy. You dont have a chance with her anymore for the next 10-15 years. And dont blame her about this. She did what is in her best interest and this will also work out better for you, in the long run.
- Dont think of leaving the job or smtg. If you are on the verge of depression, being unemployed wont help.
- You're young and single, so you dont have the right to complain. You should be enjoying your life now, even if it only consists of checking out internet with some beer and pizza.
- There's a lot to do in life and being 29, you should still be exploring. As a man, you should think of going into a relationship once you're done with doing stuff for your own and you wanna devote your life to another person.
And it happened again today.
They leave the office separately and come back in one at a time.
They think I am stupid and cannot see what's going on.
To make it worse she gives me this cheery friendly tone of voice when she speaks to me or calls my name.
Fake!
I really held this girl in high regard, thought she was one of a kind and she cold heartedly does this to me.
I cannot trust anyone again, too many people have mistreated me when I have shown I am loyal and care.
I ask myself, am I the problem, is there something wrong with me?
Am strongly considering leaving the company, this has hurt me big time, I just want to move on and leave it behind. Feel anxious walking in every day to face them.
quick thought
why on earth did you go to your manager or boss or whoever it was you went to? that there was not a good idea. please do not ever do that again. please do not quit your job. please stop watching for their coming & going... stop stop stop. regroup yourself
LEAVE THIS GAL ALONE! DO NOT WATCH FOR THEM! NO MORE LOBBY FOR AWHILE. DON'T EVEN ASK HER WHAT HAPPENED. LEAVE HER ALONE
And it happened again today.
They leave the office separately and come back in one at a time.
They think I am stupid and cannot see what's going on.
To make it worse she gives me this cheery friendly tone of voice when she speaks to me or calls my name.
Fake!
I really held this girl in high regard, thought she was one of a kind and she cold heartedly does this to me.
I cannot trust anyone again, too many people have mistreated me when I have shown I am loyal and care.
I ask myself, am I the problem, is there something wrong with me?
Am strongly considering leaving the company, this has hurt me big time, I just want to move on and leave it behind. Feel anxious walking in every day to face them.
quick thought
why on earth did you go to your manager or boss or whoever it was you went to? that there was not a good idea. please do not ever do that again. please do not quit your job. please stop watching for their coming & going... stop stop stop. regroup yourself
LEAVE THIS GAL ALONE! DO NOT WATCH FOR THEM! NO MORE LOBBY FOR AWHILE. DON'T EVEN ASK HER WHAT HAPPENED. LEAVE HER ALONE
I have to admit, it seems like WAY too much... so some chick you thought was your friend is acting like a biatch... It's not the end of the world... Unless you're in love with her, of course, and given how much thought you're putting into it, that seems entirely possible. If you're in love with this woman, then she obviously doesn't feel the same way, so same result - forget about it and move on.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. ~ Desiderata
Yes, I did have feelings for her more than friendship, she's a very down to Earth, warm person, or so I thought.
And I thought she had the same feelings, always doing kind things for me, being touchy feely with me, and even wanting to stay late at work with me whilst I was doing extra hours just to 'hang out with me' as she said. Even drove me home from work so I did not have to commute by transport in bad rain, she lives on the other end of town and drove all the way, I didn't ask, she kept insisting.
It's like she's gone from one extreme to the other so sudden.
I don't think I told her anything to upset her.
She knows lately I've had a breakdown, maybe she doesn't want to hang around a depressed person?
I want to know why but am scared I may come across as confrontational.
What I am most hurt by is that I've always been there in her time of need and she ditches me when I am in need of a friend.
Should I tell her how much she has hurt me?
If she has feelings for the other guy I can accept that, even though I am disappointed because she was someone I thought I may have a chance with, it's just that sudden cut off.
I did tell my manager that this played a part in my recent spiral, my manager called her into her office last Friday which she never has done before, not sure if she said anything. But after that my work friend asked me via office chat IM if I brought lunch and said her and her new best friend are eating at a local restaurant.
I came along, she bought me lunch.
Then this week when I want to hang out she runs off.
Heck I feel like resigning from this, cannot bear this hurt and facing them every day.
In the new year I am moving back to her team and she will be my team leader to make things worse.
I had a feeling we weren't getting the whole story.
So apparently she's partially or mostly cut you off recently, just after you went to your manager, correct? I am confused as to what you told your manager exactly or what she did as part of you depression if she didn't really cut you off until after you went to your manager? Were you depressed that she had found another friend to go to lunch with sometimes?
Regardless of the timing of when you went to the manager, that has definitely played a huge part in her cutting you off, actually it's probably the main part. Her and her friend know exactly what you're doing when you're sitting by the entrance when they come back from lunch. Stop doing that.
I initially said that you should approach her and ask her straight up what's wrong. You can still do that for piece of mind, but whatever you do, don't tell her what she 'did to you', how she's made you feel bad or be accusatory in any way. All you want to do is ask if you did something wrong because you feel your relationship has changed. However, after learning of you going to your manager, you pretty much know what you did.
As others have said, you just need to back off, act like you don't care and be cool. Watching them come and go is not cool. Telling your manager or other coworkers about your feelings or if she hurt you is not cool. Make other friends, be cordial to her and don't press anything or be weird. Maybe apologize eventually for bringing her name up to your manager if you do talk to her or sometime in the future, but don't push it.
Sometimes when we like someone we do stupid things and it can spiral out of control trying to make up for it or chasing after someone as we're pushing them away. All you're doing is pushing her farther and farther away with everything you're doing. Just chill out for a while, find a hobby, talk to different people and just put her out of your mind. It might seem like the hardest thing in the world to do right now, but trust me, it will work out for you. Just keep your head straight. You are in control.
I don't know if my manager told her what I said, now I'll feel awkward asking my manager if she said anything to her. This cutting off started before I told my manager anyways.
Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
do not ask your manager what she said to your co-worker/friend. leave every single thing to do w/ your co-worker/friend alone. no more manager speaking to, no more watching for them coming & going. this could get real bad in a real hurry
OK. Heres what happened. You thought there was more to this than just a friendship, she did not or at least not anymore. You were a good friend to her but never made a move. She became interested in another guy, which you did not like. It got weird when you talked to your manager about it affecting your work. Your manager called her in and made it even weirder. What you need to do now is treat her like a friend, say hello if you see her but don't go out of your way to find her. DO NOT wait for her in the lobby and judge who shes having lunch with and why. ABSOLUTELY do not speak to your manager about your personal problems with her again. You are only 29, it takes a long time to find a happy place with balance. Don't sweet it, things like this happen to everyone all the time....EVERYONE.
When I'm at the lobby I am sitting on one of the many couches there like so many workers in the shared building do. I read the newspaper or am on my phone reading.
I don't sit there just watching.
I got nothing else to do, I need to get out of the office away from my desk for 1 hr to relax.
It's been raining every day here, can't go out for walks.
They have seen me twice now sitting alone in the lobby.
She keeps this friendly smiling face facade with me however, finding it hard to be friendly in return.
I just cold shoulder her, don't say hi or bye anymore in the mornings/evenings.
Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
OK. Heres what happened. You thought there was more to this than just a friendship, she did not or at least not anymore. You were a good friend to her but never made a move. She became interested in another guy, which you did not like. It got weird when you talked to your manager about it affecting your work. Your manager called her in and made it even weirder. What you need to do now is treat her like a friend, say hello if you see her but don't go out of your way to find her. DO NOT wait for her in the lobby and judge who shes having lunch with and why. ABSOLUTELY do not speak to your manager about your personal problems with her again. You are only 29, it takes a long time to find a happy place with balance. Don't sweet it, things like this happen to everyone all the time....EVERYONE.
It's true... I've been the woman in this situation, and where I was coming from was that the guy (you) was clearly really into me, but I only saw him as a friend, and it was making me uncomfortable, but never quite felt I was in the position to do anything about it, because he (you) never said anything to me about his feelings, so who was I to suddenly confront him with what were only suspicions?? Well, it became very uncomfortable once I met someone, and this guy was acting all weird (they way you are with this girl). Although my tactic was to try and stay JUST friends... but the way the guy was acting did not allow for that at all, just like with the way you're acting. You're practically stalking her for crying out loud (and don't kid yourself - she would be aware of this stuff. You think you're being subtle, but I seriously doubt that. Women usually sense these things strongly). I can't believe you brought it up to your boss. Anyway, my situation ultimately ended in us never speaking again. I would have liked to have stayed friends, but that wasn't possible for him, because he was in love with me. It sucked to lose a friend, but that was better than hanging out with this guy with not-so-secret feelings of love for me while I'm not into him like that at all. That's just painful for both of us.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. ~ Desiderata
I have a few weeks off for the holidays as of next week.
Not sure if I should ask her if she's mad at me or leave it for until the new year.
Wish her a Happy Holidays and leave it at that.
As PJ_Soul said, 'don't be that guy'...the creepy stalker dude because you *will* just continually push her farther and farther away.
The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.
I have a few weeks off for the holidays as of next week.
Not sure if I should ask her if she's mad at me or leave it for until the new year.
Don't ask her shit just let her be as if you don't care you have to show an air of confidence fuck her you were there when she was down & now she does this , i would ignore her at all costs ....
Find a different job so you don't have to deal with these psychos?
Sorry, couldn't help myself. I'd lay low if I were you, find some hobbies, other friends to hang out with, and just not get all wrapped up in this shit. Because the drama isn't really worth it. Ya know?
do not ask your manager what she said to your co-worker/friend. leave every single thing to do w/ your co-worker/friend alone. no more manager speaking to, no more watching for them coming & going. this could get real bad in a real hurry
Exactly.
And a few more closing advices:
- There is some good advice here granted to you and be certain that in 5-10 years timeframe, you'll be giving the exact similar advices to a younger one in a similar situation, with a smile on your face.
- The situation with this girl might feel weird now but let me tell you; she's enjoying everything about it; even if she might appear not to. Women like drama and this kind of stuff provides the excitement they need in their lives. She knows that one day she'll remember all this with a smile on her face and even if you're on the wrong side of this adventure, you're still the one providing this to her so you wont be forgotten.
- Just dont make this experience to yourself and her as a threat to your and her job security and overall security; which I'm sure you wont think of. Otherwise, be sure that this will both be an interesting memory for both you and her in your lives, once it's cooled off.
What's your part, who you are?
2012: Arras, Berlin 1-2
2013: Sao Paulo, Buenos Aires
2014: Milano, Trieste, Vienna, Berlin
2016: NY MSG 1
My best friend work has been acting strange in the past few weeks.
Me and her started at the company about the same time and have been colleagues for over 2 years and developed a close friendship in that time.
A year ago I moved to another team but we still hung out together almost every day at lunch breaks.
During that time I gave her support when she was being bullied by other colleagues, and also lent a couple of hundred bucks when she was under a bit of financial pressure. I also helped her write two important personal letters. I have been nothing but loyal and cared for her well being.
Well lately she runs off on her lunch break with her colleague in her team, she's become very close with him lately, they have lunch together and never do I get asked if I want to join them, they just walk out quickly without looking at me. She used to always want to have lunch with me and it got to the point we never even asked each other, we just automatically walked out on lunch together.
So yesterday they quickly walked out together, I walked out soon after to see if they'd see me in the lobby and ask if I want to join. As I was walking out she came out of a meeting room holding her phone and was stunned to bump into me. So we got the lift down and her new best friend was waiting, then I asked what they're doing, they said going to the bank and she kind of hinted for me to go another way.
Today I asked her if she wants to have lunch with me, she said she has to wait for her boss to get back before she can go and told me ''you go now if you want'', then I asked her new best friend what he's doing for lunch and he said nothing because he has a report due.
Before that, they both looked at me funny, and were chatting online, they looked sneaky.
What happened is he left first then she left soon after and got her phone out to call someone.
I went downstairs on my own 10 mins later and chilled in the lobby reading and saw them come back together.
Her new best friend seemed stunned for me to see them.
The same thing happened 2 weeks ago, I told her I'll go lunch with her and then she just ran out on the phone and later them two walked back into the office together.
She also no longer returns my texts.
In the office she still gives me this warm caring vibe with a smile yet does not want to hang out at lunch.
It is fucking with my mind.
Is she being two faced to me? fake?
This is causing me confusion, anxiety, and deep hurt, tears and a spiral of depression.
What should I do?
Ask her what's up?
Move on?
Ignore her and not be friendly at work to her?
Am I being obsessive and/or jealous?
I was experiencing a bout of depression before this due to many life problems, this just makes it harder.
I have struggled because of all of this and have broken down at work.
And I am still depressed as hell, and anxious.
:(
Are you using the word work instead of high school? Get over the douche and make some new friends. You need to ask if she is two faced? Just read what you have typed.
The poison from the poison stream caught up to you ELEVEN years ago and you floated out of here. Sept. 14, 08
do not ask your manager what she said to your co-worker/friend. leave every single thing to do w/ your co-worker/friend alone. no more manager speaking to, no more watching for them coming & going. this could get real bad in a real hurry
Exactly.
And a few more closing advices:
- There is some good advice here granted to you and be certain that in 5-10 years timeframe, you'll be giving the exact similar advices to a younger one in a similar situation, with a smile on your face.
- The situation with this girl might feel weird now but let me tell you; she's enjoying everything about it; even if she might appear not to. Women like drama and this kind of stuff provides the excitement they need in their lives. She knows that one day she'll remember all this with a smile on her face and even if you're on the wrong side of this adventure, you're still the one providing this to her so you wont be forgotten.
- Just dont make this experience to yourself and her as a threat to your and her job security and overall security; which I'm sure you wont think of. Otherwise, be sure that this will both be an interesting memory for both you and her in your lives, once it's cooled off.
Haha. That's true. Chances are pretty good that if you just stop everything you're doing and start ignoring her, she will start talking to you again.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. ~ Desiderata
you say it is raining & you can't go out walking during your lunch/break times. horse shit. people in the northwest usa, canada are some walking outdoors folks in the rain as it rains all the time. rain is good for you. get some rain gear if you need it. it is fun & again, good for you
can you swim? swimming is so fucking awesome. you need to do one hour of exercise 5-7 days a week. this lifts your spirits & it helps to get over depression. this builds a healthy body & mind. start out doing 5 minutes, then 10 minutes, then pretty soon 30 minutes of exercise. walk the stairs at your work if you are in a multi-leveled building.
Comments
Both are single.
She recently broke up with her boyfriend.
Already see a psychologist regularly, have spoken to him about this.
Thanks mate.
29. Why?
They leave the office separately and come back in one at a time.
They think I am stupid and cannot see what's going on.
To make it worse she gives me this cheery friendly tone of voice when she speaks to me or calls my name.
Fake!
I really held this girl in high regard, thought she was one of a kind and she cold heartedly does this to me.
I cannot trust anyone again, too many people have mistreated me when I have shown I am loyal and care.
I ask myself, am I the problem, is there something wrong with me?
Am strongly considering leaving the company, this has hurt me big time, I just want to move on and leave it behind. Feel anxious walking in every day to face them.
I had a feeling we weren't getting the whole story.
So apparently she's partially or mostly cut you off recently, just after you went to your manager, correct? I am confused as to what you told your manager exactly or what she did as part of you depression if she didn't really cut you off until after you went to your manager? Were you depressed that she had found another friend to go to lunch with sometimes?
Regardless of the timing of when you went to the manager, that has definitely played a huge part in her cutting you off, actually it's probably the main part. Her and her friend know exactly what you're doing when you're sitting by the entrance when they come back from lunch. Stop doing that.
I initially said that you should approach her and ask her straight up what's wrong. You can still do that for piece of mind, but whatever you do, don't tell her what she 'did to you', how she's made you feel bad or be accusatory in any way. All you want to do is ask if you did something wrong because you feel your relationship has changed. However, after learning of you going to your manager, you pretty much know what you did.
As others have said, you just need to back off, act like you don't care and be cool. Watching them come and go is not cool. Telling your manager or other coworkers about your feelings or if she hurt you is not cool. Make other friends, be cordial to her and don't press anything or be weird. Maybe apologize eventually for bringing her name up to your manager if you do talk to her or sometime in the future, but don't push it.
Sometimes when we like someone we do stupid things and it can spiral out of control trying to make up for it or chasing after someone as we're pushing them away. All you're doing is pushing her farther and farther away with everything you're doing. Just chill out for a while, find a hobby, talk to different people and just put her out of your mind. It might seem like the hardest thing in the world to do right now, but trust me, it will work out for you. Just keep your head straight. You are in control.
nowadays hits you when you're young
Read every word of that post and take it like gospel.
lol thanks. Like I said...most of us have been there before. It's so much easier to know what you should do when you're not in the middle of the situation, but the advice is always the same. Be cool, don't push it and move on (at least externally).
Another thing, OP: Do not, whatever you do, for all that is holy, I repeat DO NOT quit your job. That is the absolute worst thing (well, almost) that you can do right now and you will forever kick yourself for it. If you have to get out of there, start applying for other jobs and focus all of that depression energy into a job search. Don't leave this job until you have a concrete offer somewhere else. I had a friend all broken up over a girl he was dating for a couple of years, so he quit his 6-figure job because he was depressed. 6-FIGURES!!!!!! He took some time off and when he felt alright to work again, he had trouble finding anything and settled for a temp job making half as much. Don't be that guy. :nono:
nowadays hits you when you're young
i would say this "friend" is not cutting you off for no reason ... she is into another guy at work ... whatever feelings she may have had for you are no longer there ... she may still like you as a friend but she's on another "love" project now so you are disposable ... in this day and age - it is harder to establish true friendships ... my advice to anyone is that if you do have true and good friends - you cherish those relationships as sometimes they are more valuable than family ...
i would also say to you that the crux of your feelings now are tied into you wanting more out of this relationship than is currently available ... although getting ditched as a friend is bad also ... doing it so poorly is also bad form on her part ...
but most people don't have the capacity to feel for people in that way ... to see how their actions may hurt others ... she probably also feels like she doesn't owe you an explanation ...
most guys have probably gone through this with a girl at some point ... it sucks ... if it's any consolation - nice guys do better long term ... just don't be afraid of putting yourself out there ... nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight (can't believe i'm quoting bruce cockburn) ... it may feel like shit when it doesn't but if you don't - you won't get to experience what your heart truly desires ...
and lastly ... at some point you will have to understand what kind of person you are and come to terms with all that is good and bad so that you can be confident in the person you are ... that way when things don't go your way on an interpersonal way - you don't automatically fall into a self-defacing mode ... where you question your worth as a person ... work on you for a while ... gain back your sense of being ... that way when you allow yourself to be hurt - it won't be so bad ...
i also liked your advice, mayday
"Hear me, my chiefs!
I am tired; my heart is
sick and sad. From where
the sun stands I will fight
no more forever."
Chief Joseph - Nez Perce
This is coming from a woman's perspective and if you were my son, this is what I would be telling him.
1. You will trust people again. This is just a stepping stone in your life. You've heard the saying "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" it is true.
2. If you are not already, you need to get on some antidepressants for your depression, even if it's just to give you the little help you need to get through this ordeal. You don't have to stay on them for life.
3. DO NOT quit your job! You go in there every day with your head held high, you did nothing wrong! Don't even look in this girls direction, let her go to lunch with this guy all she wants, if you guys had such a great friendship, she will be back when this thing fizzles out, hopefully you won't care by the time that happens.
4. Stop looking for a girlfriend/soulmate/wife etc...., you cannot be happy with someone until you are happy with yourself
5. Start some type of exercise program, for the simple fact, it makes you feel better and is good for your health. Most girls I know could give a shit less about muscles! What is the most attractive quality in any man or woman is confidence and when you know who you are and what you want in life you will find someone who brings out the best in you.
You sound like a real nice guy but you need to pull up your boot straps and deal with what is going on in your life and make whatever improvements you need to live a happy life. You cannot change people, no matter how hard you try. If you really need to know why this girl is blowing you off, ask her. If she is the person that you thought she was, she will be honest with you and If she doesn't tell you the honest truth, fuck her, that should make it even easier to move on. Anyway, just my 2 cents. Take Good Care of Yourself.
Is the fortune that you need
nice advice
"Hear me, my chiefs!
I am tired; my heart is
sick and sad. From where
the sun stands I will fight
no more forever."
Chief Joseph - Nez Perce
why on earth did you go to your manager or boss or whoever it was you went to? that there was not a good idea. please do not ever do that again. please do not quit your job. please stop watching for their coming & going... stop stop stop. regroup yourself
LEAVE THIS GAL ALONE! DO NOT WATCH FOR THEM! NO MORE LOBBY FOR AWHILE. DON'T EVEN ASK HER WHAT HAPPENED. LEAVE HER ALONE
"Hear me, my chiefs!
I am tired; my heart is
sick and sad. From where
the sun stands I will fight
no more forever."
Chief Joseph - Nez Perce
I don't know if my manager told her what I said, now I'll feel awkward asking my manager if she said anything to her. This cutting off started before I told my manager anyways.
do not ask your manager what she said to your co-worker/friend. leave every single thing to do w/ your co-worker/friend alone. no more manager speaking to, no more watching for them coming & going. this could get real bad in a real hurry
"Hear me, my chiefs!
I am tired; my heart is
sick and sad. From where
the sun stands I will fight
no more forever."
Chief Joseph - Nez Perce
OK. Heres what happened. You thought there was more to this than just a friendship, she did not or at least not anymore. You were a good friend to her but never made a move. She became interested in another guy, which you did not like. It got weird when you talked to your manager about it affecting your work. Your manager called her in and made it even weirder. What you need to do now is treat her like a friend, say hello if you see her but don't go out of your way to find her. DO NOT wait for her in the lobby and judge who shes having lunch with and why. ABSOLUTELY do not speak to your manager about your personal problems with her again. You are only 29, it takes a long time to find a happy place with balance. Don't sweet it, things like this happen to everyone all the time....EVERYONE.
I don't sit there just watching.
I got nothing else to do, I need to get out of the office away from my desk for 1 hr to relax.
It's been raining every day here, can't go out for walks.
They have seen me twice now sitting alone in the lobby.
She keeps this friendly smiling face facade with me however, finding it hard to be friendly in return.
I just cold shoulder her, don't say hi or bye anymore in the mornings/evenings.
Not sure if I should ask her if she's mad at me or leave it for until the new year.
Wish her a Happy Holidays and leave it at that.
As PJ_Soul said, 'don't be that guy'...the creepy stalker dude because you *will* just continually push her farther and farther away.
- Christopher McCandless
Don't ask her shit just let her be as if you don't care you have to show an air of confidence fuck her you were there when she was down & now she does this , i would ignore her at all costs ....
Once you've entered the "friend zone" there is no way out.
Move on!
Sorry, couldn't help myself. I'd lay low if I were you, find some hobbies, other friends to hang out with, and just not get all wrapped up in this shit. Because the drama isn't really worth it. Ya know?
Exactly.
And a few more closing advices:
- There is some good advice here granted to you and be certain that in 5-10 years timeframe, you'll be giving the exact similar advices to a younger one in a similar situation, with a smile on your face.
- The situation with this girl might feel weird now but let me tell you; she's enjoying everything about it; even if she might appear not to. Women like drama and this kind of stuff provides the excitement they need in their lives. She knows that one day she'll remember all this with a smile on her face and even if you're on the wrong side of this adventure, you're still the one providing this to her so you wont be forgotten.
- Just dont make this experience to yourself and her as a threat to your and her job security and overall security; which I'm sure you wont think of. Otherwise, be sure that this will both be an interesting memory for both you and her in your lives, once it's cooled off.
2012: Arras, Berlin 1-2
2013: Sao Paulo, Buenos Aires
2014: Milano, Trieste, Vienna, Berlin
2016: NY MSG 1
The poison from the poison stream caught up to you ELEVEN years ago and you floated out of here. Sept. 14, 08
you say it is raining & you can't go out walking during your lunch/break times. horse shit. people in the northwest usa, canada are some walking outdoors folks in the rain as it rains all the time. rain is good for you. get some rain gear if you need it. it is fun & again, good for you
can you swim? swimming is so fucking awesome. you need to do one hour of exercise 5-7 days a week. this lifts your spirits & it helps to get over depression. this builds a healthy body & mind. start out doing 5 minutes, then 10 minutes, then pretty soon 30 minutes of exercise. walk the stairs at your work if you are in a multi-leveled building.
go for a swim, you'll feel 100% better
"Hear me, my chiefs!
I am tired; my heart is
sick and sad. From where
the sun stands I will fight
no more forever."
Chief Joseph - Nez Perce