Friend at work just cutting me off for no known reason

hedonist

moretonbayfig wrote:

giving yourself permission to play, love, fall and get up again. I wish you all the best mate. Mx

Good post, especially that part up there.

I'd also add, just allow yourself to live - to enjoy life - without the burden of "having" to find someone. Don't be so hard on yourself!

Many cliches are partly-true, so I'll say it...when you stop trying to find that someone, boom! There they are. Keep your heart and senses open to it, and them. Failures are part of success; in fact, they're paramount.

So what if it doesn't happen right now? The waiting is the hardest part, but well-worth your patience. I've been there and others have too.

Good wishes

PJ_Soul

Yeah, it sounds like she's having an affair.

Dr. Delight

PJ_Soul wrote:

Yeah, it sounds like she's having an affair.

Wait, this chick is still married to another dude?
Regardless, these two are definitely participating in after work escapades.

MayDay10

Always ending up in the lobby when they come to and from work and telling a manager about this likely really comes across as stalkerish and drives her further away from being interested in being around you. It's the way it works. I have done this (both sides) and have seen it happen numerous times. The more you pine the worse it will be.

This is also why you shouldn't get romantic interests at the workplace...

Anyways. Starting now you gotta be cool, act like you don't care and have better things to do.

gimmesometruth27

i'm sorry to hear this OP.

she is definitely involved with that guy. they seem to be sneaking around to avoid you. it sucks to hear that, and i am sorry to say it, but all signs point to that.

people are strange. their tastes or desires change on a dime sometimes. one minute she will appear to be your best friend. she got some emotional and financial support from you, and that was all she needed from you, and she moved on once she was strong enough to do so. it is cold blooded, but that is how people are unfortunately. maybe she was unaware of your feelings for her? if you were ever actually real friends with her, you should be able to approach her and ask her what has happened. that is the mature thing to do. but maybe she does not want to face you. you are the only one who knows, because none of us have seen you two interact before or after this went down. this is one of the reasons i don't get involved with co-workers anymore. once it ends, the whole workplace feels awkward.

everyone has offered up good suggestions so far. i would just like to add to what has already been suggested.

what has always helped me, at every bad point in my life, is to write. just pick up a notebook and write down what comes to your mind. if you are anything at all like me, you tend to stress out and obsess over things. write about that. believe me. it helps to get that stuff out, either by talking to someone else, or writing it to yourself. i suggest writing because then you have a record of it. once you feel better you can go back and read how you felt at your lowest point and you can see the progress that has been made.

there are no rules to writing. it does not have to rhyme. it does not have to be good at all. as long as it is honest and it helps you process what you are dealing with, it is good. i have started a thread in the poetry thread when i was going through some shit, and it was basically just my sounding board to get it out. i posted way more than i probably should have and i embarrassed about a lot of it, but i put it out there and if anyone can relate to how i was feeling or get something out of it, it is a good thing. most of the great writing or art in history has come from unrequited love. it is a very powerful emotion. just stay strong and keep your chin up and you will be ok. i have every confidence that you will be. just don't let yourself dwell on this stuff, because it will only drag you down further and make you feel worse.

i hope you feel better soon, and that you get the answers you are looking for. you need to ask yourself this though, do you really want to know? just know, that the truth can hurt just as bad as her turning away from you. best of luck my friend

elvistheking44

Curious as to how old you are?

Annafalk

I would just like to add that many woman are very shy..they are often afraid of rejection, waiting for the guy to take the first step..I hope you find another friend soon !

CAVSTARR313

punch that bitch right in the baby maker!!

RKCNDY

Try to talk to her, see what's up.

A true friend will be there to listen and want to work things out. They will be there for you, understand you, and accept you.

Though it seems that more and more people treat others as 'disposable', you don't need someone like that in your life.

jumbojet

Dude, dont worry, you'll be OK. This is a cure-list for you.

- Don't talk to her about the situation. The thing is; you didnt act on time with her and she moved on to the next guy. You dont have a chance with her anymore for the next 10-15 years. And dont blame her about this. She did what is in her best interest and this will also work out better for you, in the long run.

- Dont think of leaving the job or smtg. If you are on the verge of depression, being unemployed wont help.

- You're young and single, so you dont have the right to complain. You should be enjoying your life now, even if it only consists of checking out internet with some beer and pizza.

- There's a lot to do in life and being 29, you should still be exploring. As a man, you should think of going into a relationship once you're done with doing stuff for your own and you wanna devote your life to another person.

Thoughts_Arrive

Dr. Delight wrote:

PJ_Soul wrote:

Yeah, it sounds like she's having an affair.

Wait, this chick is still married to another dude?
Regardless, these two are definitely participating in after work escapades.

Both are single.
She recently broke up with her boyfriend.

Thoughts_Arrive

moretonbayfig wrote:

Hi Thoughts Arrive, sorry that you're going through such a rough time with your close friend and with your mood/thoughts about it all. It sounds like you have invested a lot in your friend emotionally. My unsolicited 2 cents for what it is worth is find a GP and counsellor (psych or social worker) that you trust and discuss any troubling thoughts and feelings with them. Objective, professional and consistent support can be very helpful at times of high emotional need - sometimes friends may feel overwhelmed or like they are unable to help. I agree with everyone else about talking to your friend (without making her responsible for what you feel). Acknowledge the change in the friendship, that you miss your lunches - it would be great to go to lunch together eg. 3rd Wednesday of the month. Don't give up on all women, or assume that you know what all women want. Put yourself in the path of more women so you can get to know more women in all their diverse personalities eg. Join a ballroom dancing class - become one of the sought after and few male dance partners! I hope I don't sound flippant (I don't mean to) but give yourself a better chance of meeting someone by getting professional support and giving yourself permission to play, love, fall and get up again. I wish you all the best mate. Mx

Already see a psychologist regularly, have spoken to him about this.
Thanks mate.

Thoughts_Arrive

ofthegirl99 wrote:

Curious as to how old you are?

29. Why?

Thoughts_Arrive

And it happened again today.
They leave the office separately and come back in one at a time.
They think I am stupid and cannot see what's going on.
To make it worse she gives me this cheery friendly tone of voice when she speaks to me or calls my name.
Fake!

I really held this girl in high regard, thought she was one of a kind and she cold heartedly does this to me.
I cannot trust anyone again, too many people have mistreated me when I have shown I am loyal and care.
I ask myself, am I the problem, is there something wrong with me?

Am strongly considering leaving the company, this has hurt me big time, I just want to move on and leave it behind. Feel anxious walking in every day to face them.

quimby20

Don't ever let another person control your thoughts, your actions, your life.... You are better then any of it

quimby20

Don't ever let another person control your thoughts, your actions, your life.... You are better then any of it

AllNiteThing

Thoughts_Arrive wrote:

Yes, I did have feelings for her more than friendship, she's a very down to Earth, warm person, or so I thought.
And I thought she had the same feelings, always doing kind things for me, being touchy feely with me, and even wanting to stay late at work with me whilst I was doing extra hours just to 'hang out with me' as she said. Even drove me home from work so I did not have to commute by transport in bad rain, she lives on the other end of town and drove all the way, I didn't ask, she kept insisting.
It's like she's gone from one extreme to the other so sudden.
I don't think I told her anything to upset her.
She knows lately I've had a breakdown, maybe she doesn't want to hang around a depressed person?
I want to know why but am scared I may come across as confrontational.
What I am most hurt by is that I've always been there in her time of need and she ditches me when I am in need of a friend.
Should I tell her how much she has hurt me?
If she has feelings for the other guy I can accept that, even though I am disappointed because she was someone I thought I may have a chance with, it's just that sudden cut off.

I did tell my manager that this played a part in my recent spiral, my manager called her into her office last Friday which she never has done before, not sure if she said anything. But after that my work friend asked me via office chat IM if I brought lunch and said her and her new best friend are eating at a local restaurant.
I came along, she bought me lunch.
Then this week when I want to hang out she runs off.

Heck I feel like resigning from this, cannot bear this hurt and facing them every day.
In the new year I am moving back to her team and she will be my team leader to make things worse.

I had a feeling we weren't getting the whole story.

So apparently she's partially or mostly cut you off recently, just after you went to your manager, correct? I am confused as to what you told your manager exactly or what she did as part of you depression if she didn't really cut you off until after you went to your manager? Were you depressed that she had found another friend to go to lunch with sometimes?

Regardless of the timing of when you went to the manager, that has definitely played a huge part in her cutting you off, actually it's probably the main part. Her and her friend know exactly what you're doing when you're sitting by the entrance when they come back from lunch. Stop doing that.

I initially said that you should approach her and ask her straight up what's wrong. You can still do that for piece of mind, but whatever you do, don't tell her what she 'did to you', how she's made you feel bad or be accusatory in any way. All you want to do is ask if you did something wrong because you feel your relationship has changed. However, after learning of you going to your manager, you pretty much know what you did.

As others have said, you just need to back off, act like you don't care and be cool. Watching them come and go is not cool. Telling your manager or other coworkers about your feelings or if she hurt you is not cool. Make other friends, be cordial to her and don't press anything or be weird. Maybe apologize eventually for bringing her name up to your manager if you do talk to her or sometime in the future, but don't push it.

Sometimes when we like someone we do stupid things and it can spiral out of control trying to make up for it or chasing after someone as we're pushing them away. All you're doing is pushing her farther and farther away with everything you're doing. Just chill out for a while, find a hobby, talk to different people and just put her out of your mind. It might seem like the hardest thing in the world to do right now, but trust me, it will work out for you. Just keep your head straight. You are in control.

MayDay10

yes, Allnightthing is dead on. It is exactly what I was trying to say, but came out a bit course typing on a cell phone.

Read every word of that post and take it like gospel.

AllNiteThing

MayDay10 wrote:

yes, Allnightthing is dead on. It is exactly what I was trying to say, but came out a bit course typing on a cell phone.

Read every word of that post and take it like gospel.

lol thanks. Like I said...most of us have been there before. It's so much easier to know what you should do when you're not in the middle of the situation, but the advice is always the same. Be cool, don't push it and move on (at least externally).

Another thing, OP: Do not, whatever you do, for all that is holy, I repeat DO NOT quit your job. That is the absolute worst thing (well, almost) that you can do right now and you will forever kick yourself for it. If you have to get out of there, start applying for other jobs and focus all of that depression energy into a job search. Don't leave this job until you have a concrete offer somewhere else. I had a friend all broken up over a girl he was dating for a couple of years, so he quit his 6-figure job because he was depressed. 6-FIGURES!!!!!! He took some time off and when he felt alright to work again, he had trouble finding anything and settled for a temp job making half as much. Don't be that guy. :nono:

polaris_x

well ... i would say i read 50% of the thread to date ...

i would say this "friend" is not cutting you off for no reason ... she is into another guy at work ... whatever feelings she may have had for you are no longer there ... she may still like you as a friend but she's on another "love" project now so you are disposable ... in this day and age - it is harder to establish true friendships ... my advice to anyone is that if you do have true and good friends - you cherish those relationships as sometimes they are more valuable than family ...

i would also say to you that the crux of your feelings now are tied into you wanting more out of this relationship than is currently available ... although getting ditched as a friend is bad also ... doing it so poorly is also bad form on her part ...

but most people don't have the capacity to feel for people in that way ... to see how their actions may hurt others ... she probably also feels like she doesn't owe you an explanation ...

most guys have probably gone through this with a girl at some point ... it sucks ... if it's any consolation - nice guys do better long term ... just don't be afraid of putting yourself out there ... nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight (can't believe i'm quoting bruce cockburn) ... it may feel like shit when it doesn't but if you don't - you won't get to experience what your heart truly desires ...

and lastly ... at some point you will have to understand what kind of person you are and come to terms with all that is good and bad so that you can be confident in the person you are ... that way when things don't go your way on an interpersonal way - you don't automatically fall into a self-defacing mode ... where you question your worth as a person ... work on you for a while ... gain back your sense of being ... that way when you allow yourself to be hurt - it won't be so bad ...