*** Jokes of the Day!! ***

nuffingman

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

DangDang

Did you hear about the poor broke woman who couldn't afford to pay for her own exorcism?




She had her house repossessed.

pandora

for those with kids here's those fun Tongue Twisters with a Halloween theme!
Get the family laughing!







He thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts.
Creepy crawler critters crawl through creepy crawly craters
Dracula digs dreary, dark dungeons.
Ghostly ghouls gather gleefully to golf on ghostly golf courses.
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins
Horribly hoarse hoot owls hoot howls of horror in halloween haunted houses.
If big black bats could blow bubbles, how big of bubbles would big black bats blow?
If two witches would watch two watches, which witch would watch which watch?
Professional Pumpkin Pickers are prone to pick the plumpest pumpkins.
Transylvanian Tree Trimmers are trained to trim the tallest Transylvanian trees.
Several spooky slimy spiders spun sulking by the sea
The ochre ogre ogled the poker.
Which witch wished which wicked wish?

pandora

A frog at the bank


This frog walks into a bank to get a loan. He steps up to the counter and asks for an application from the clerk, Patty Wack.
"Hi, I'd like to fill out an application for a loan", said the frog.

Patty Wack replied, "Do you have any collateral for this loan; something to stand against your loan?"

The frog replied, "All I have is this statue of a unicorn."

"Well, I don't know," said Patty Wack, "I'll have to ask the manager about this."

Patty Wack goes to see the bank manager.

The bank manager looks at the statue and replies: "Knick Knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan."

veddertown

Two parrots sitting on a perch, one turns to the other and says, "Here, can you smell fish?" :thumbdown:

canoegirl

salmon on the front steps today happy arrival

canoegirl

who to vote for in ny state

number1PJfan

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mom replied, 'White is the color of happiness, & today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?

DaveyG

"If you are flammable and have legs, then you are never blocking a fire exit, and you can write that down, and put a dash in front of it, and put my name at the bottom. A dash, a dash, that's all I want to be doin' was dashed."

-Mitch Hedberg

pandora

Dracula was on a night out with his buddies and after much intoxication decided to call it a night. On his walk home he took a few back streets to shortcut. Upon walking down one such dark alley he was hit in the back of the head by a sausage roll but after looking around could not see whom the culprit was. Once again, in the next dimly lit passage he felt a chicken wrap splat across his back, thrown from behind, but again the perpetrator had hidden.

Finally as Dracula got to his castle gates, he felt a tap on the shoulder... he turned round to a dark figure wielding a sausage on a cocktail stick. No sooner had Dracula spoken than the dark figure plunged the stick into his heart.

Falling to the floor, Dracula uttered his last words... "Who are you?"... To which the dark stranger announced....
"I am Buffet the Vampire Slayer"!

number1PJfan

Here are some Halloween one liners straight from my fourth graders--I'll apologize in advance for the corniness--

What do you say to a ghost with three heads?
Hello, hello, hello.

What did the baby ghost eat for dinner?
A boo-loney sandwich.

What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A dead end.

What do you get when you cross a were-wolf with a drip-dry suit?
A wash-and-werewolf.

What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost?
Fasten your sheet belt.

What is a witch with poison ivy called?
An itchy witchy.

Who does a ghoul fall in love with?
His ghoul friend.

Where do vampires live?
In the Vampire State Building.

Who are some of the werewolves cousins?
The whatwolves and the whenwolves.

What is a vampires favorite mode of transportation?
A blood vessel.

What did Dr. Frankenstein get when he put his goldfish's brain in the body of his dog?
I don't know, but it is great at chasing submarines.

What do you call a dog owned by Dracula?
A blood hound.

Why are black cats such good singers?
They're very mewsical.

What's a cold, evil candle called?
The wicked wick of the north.

What kind of hot dogs do werewolves like best?
Hallowieners.

Where do little ghosts learn to yell "BOO!"?
In noisery school.

What does a goblin shop for?
Grosseries.

How can you tell when windows are scared?
They get shudders.

What do you call serious rocks?
Grave stones.

Why did the witch stand up in front of the audience?
She had to give a screech.

pandora

The Duck and the Lawyer

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in Newfoundland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, ‘I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.’

The old farmer Garge replied, ‘This is my property, and you are not coming over here.’
The indignant lawyer said, ‘I am one of the best trial lawyers in Toronto and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.’

The old farmer smiled and said, ‘Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Newfoundland . We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.’

The lawyer asked, ‘What is the ‘Tree Kick Rule’?’

The Farmer replied, ‘Well, because the dispute occurs on me land, I get to go first. I kick you tree times and then you kick me tree times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.’

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pad.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, ‘Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.’

The old farmer smiled and said, ‘Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.’

pandora

Dog in heat


A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father", answered the mother, "I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

davidtrios

A young man asks another man who has been married for 50 years, "What is the secret to a long and prosperous marriage."

The old man replys, "It's really quite simple. We have sex almost every night. We almost have it Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday..."

Jo

A man drives past a road sign that says.....
" FRUIT that taste like ANYTHING you WANT!"
So the man stops and askes for some fruit that tastes like 'strawberries and cream'......he bights into it and it tasted like strawberries on one side and cream on the other.
The man askes for some fruit that tastes like Steak and Potatoes, and sure enough, it tastes like steak on one side and potatoes on the other.
So he asked for some fruit that tasted like pussie.
He bit into it and said " BLURK!!, it taste like SHIT!"

Dissidentman

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

Jo

Dissidentman wrote:

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

and.....................?
Did you win the game of Darts?

Dissidentman

Jo wrote:

Dissidentman wrote:

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

and.....................?
Did you win the game of Darts?

It was a draw.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

he.who.forgets

how many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It's a pretty obscure number...you've probably never heard of it

davidtrios

When you look like I do, it's hard to get a table for one at Chuck E Cheese. - Zach Galifiankis