A group of psychologist want to study the effect dog owner career choice has on the dog's behavior.
They get 3 puppies from the same litter place one with an architect, an accountant, and a waiter.
The dog's go off for one year.
One year later all 3 dogs are brought back and placed in a room with 20 dog treats.
The architect's dog is lead into the room, he looks at the treats and builds a house. He eats a few treats and then goes off and lays down in the corner.
The accountant's dog is next. He looks at the bones, counts them, breaks them up into 4 groups of 5, eats a few and then joins the other dog.
The waiters dog is then placed in the room. He looks at the bones, smashes them into a powder, snorts the dust, goes over to the other two dogs and fucks them up the ass, gets on the phone calls in sick and then takes a nap.
A group of psychologist want to study the effect dog owner career choice has on the dog's behavior.
They get 3 puppies from the same litter place one with an architect, an accountant, and a waiter.
The dog's go off for one year.
One year later all 3 dogs are brought back and placed in a room with 20 dog treats.
The architect's dog is lead into the room, he looks at the treats and builds a house. He eats a few treats and then goes off and lays down in the corner.
The accountant's dog is next. He looks at the bones, counts them, breaks them up into 4 groups of 5, eats a few and then joins the other dog.
The waiters dog is then placed in the room. He looks at the bones, smashes them into a powder, snorts the dust, goes over to the other two dogs and fucks them up the ass, gets on the phone calls in sick and then takes a nap.
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic warden’s funeral, a voice screamed from inside the box, “I’m not dead! I’m not dead!”
The vicar shouted back, “Sorry, the paperwork has already been done!”
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrott.
How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler.
A penguin walks into a pub and asks the landlord "have you seen my dad"? And the landlord replies "what does he look like?"
Manchester 04.06.00, Leeds 25.08.06, Wembley 18.06.07, Dusseldorf 21.06.07, Shepherds Bush 11.08.09, Manchester 17.08.09, Adelaide 17.11.09, Melbourne 20.11.09, Sydney 22.11.09, Brisbane 25.11.09, MSG1 20.05.10, MSG2 21.05.10, Dublin 22.06.10, Belfast 23.06.10, London 25.06.10, Long Beach 06.07.11 (EV), Los Angeles 08.07.11 (EV), Toronto 11.09.11, Toronto 12.09.11, Ottawa 14.09.11, Hamilton 14.09.11, Manchester 20.06.12, Manchester 21.06.12, Amsterdam 26.06.2012, Amsterdam 27.06.2012, Berlin 04.07.12, Berlin 05.07.12, Stockholm 07.07.12, Oslo 09.07.12, Copenhagen 10.07.12, Manchester 28.07.12 (EV), Brooklyn 18.10.13, Brooklyn 19.10.13, Philly 21.10.13, Philly 22.10.13, San Diego 21.11.13, LA 23.11.13, LA 24.11.13, Oakland 26.11.13, Portland 29.11.13, Spokane 30.11.13, Calgary 02.12.13, Vancouver 04.12.13, Seattle 06.12.13, Trieste 22.06.14, Vienna 25.06.14, Berlin 26.06.14, Stockholm 28.06.14, Leeds 08.07.14, Philly 28.04.16, Philly 28.04.16, MSG1 01.05.16, MSG2 02.05.16
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.
If you have nothing to lose, you have nothing to worry about.
A man pulls his wife into the bedroom and rips off her clothes.
"Now honey, do a handstand against the full-length mirror on the wall"
"Hmmm", she thinks, "Kinky...I like it!"
She does the handstand and her hubby pulls her legs apart puts his chin down on her privates.
"The boys down the pub were right", he exclaims, "a goatie WOULD suit me!"
One day an old lady and an old man were sitting on their porch when the old lady says "Hey pa, why don't you run down to the restaurant and get us some ice cream." Pa said, "Ok I will go right now." Ma told him that she had better write it down for him, because he always forgets. He said no he would be fine, so off he went to the restaurant. When he got back he handed her a hamburger and she said "Dang it pa, I knew you would forget, I told you to get mustard on mine!"
three men go on holiday and find that thier accomodation has been incorrectly booked. There is only one room left at the motel and it had only one bed. So they share, after all it's only one night.
Morning comes and the guy sleeping on right says " Last night I dreamt I had the best wank ever". The guy on the left says "Me too!" The guy in the middle says " I dreamt I was skiing!"
three men go on holiday and find that thier accomodation has been incorrectly booked. There is only one room left at the motel and it had only one bed. So they share, after all it's only one night.
Morning comes and the guy sleeping on right says " Last night I dreamt I had the best wank ever". The guy on the left says "Me too!" The guy in the middle says " I dreamt I was skiing!"
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
for those with kids here's those fun Tongue Twisters with a Halloween theme!
Get the family laughing!
He thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts.
Creepy crawler critters crawl through creepy crawly craters
Dracula digs dreary, dark dungeons.
Ghostly ghouls gather gleefully to golf on ghostly golf courses.
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins
Horribly hoarse hoot owls hoot howls of horror in halloween haunted houses.
If big black bats could blow bubbles, how big of bubbles would big black bats blow?
If two witches would watch two watches, which witch would watch which watch?
Professional Pumpkin Pickers are prone to pick the plumpest pumpkins.
Transylvanian Tree Trimmers are trained to trim the tallest Transylvanian trees.
Several spooky slimy spiders spun sulking by the sea
The ochre ogre ogled the poker.
Which witch wished which wicked wish?
This frog walks into a bank to get a loan. He steps up to the counter and asks for an application from the clerk, Patty Wack.
"Hi, I'd like to fill out an application for a loan", said the frog.
Patty Wack replied, "Do you have any collateral for this loan; something to stand against your loan?"
The frog replied, "All I have is this statue of a unicorn."
"Well, I don't know," said Patty Wack, "I'll have to ask the manager about this."
Patty Wack goes to see the bank manager.
The bank manager looks at the statue and replies: "Knick Knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan."
Two parrots sitting on a perch, one turns to the other and says, "Here, can you smell fish?" :thumbdown:
Like a book among the many on a shelf...
Dublin 02 Arena - 22/6/10. Belfast Odyssey Arena - 23/6/10. London Hyde Park - 25/6/10. Berlin Wuhlheide - 30/6/10.
Manchester MEN - 20/06/12. Manchester MEN - 21/06/12
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mom replied, 'White is the color of happiness, & today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?
"If you are flammable and have legs, then you are never blocking a fire exit, and you can write that down, and put a dash in front of it, and put my name at the bottom. A dash, a dash, that's all I want to be doin' was dashed."
-Mitch Hedberg
10/23/10, Shoreline Amphitheatre, Mountain View, California (24th Bridge School Benefit)
10/24/10, Shoreline Amphitheatre, Mountain View, California (24th Bridge School Benefit)
07/11/11, Paramount Theater, Oakland, California (Eddie Vedder Solo Show)
10/22/11, Shoreline Amphitheatre, Mountain View, California (Eddie Vedder Solo Show, 25th Bridge School Benefit)
Dracula was on a night out with his buddies and after much intoxication decided to call it a night. On his walk home he took a few back streets to shortcut. Upon walking down one such dark alley he was hit in the back of the head by a sausage roll but after looking around could not see whom the culprit was. Once again, in the next dimly lit passage he felt a chicken wrap splat across his back, thrown from behind, but again the perpetrator had hidden.
Finally as Dracula got to his castle gates, he felt a tap on the shoulder... he turned round to a dark figure wielding a sausage on a cocktail stick. No sooner had Dracula spoken than the dark figure plunged the stick into his heart.
Falling to the floor, Dracula uttered his last words... "Who are you?"... To which the dark stranger announced....
"I am Buffet the Vampire Slayer"!
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in Newfoundland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, ‘I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.’
The old farmer Garge replied, ‘This is my property, and you are not coming over here.’
The indignant lawyer said, ‘I am one of the best trial lawyers in Toronto and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.’
The old farmer smiled and said, ‘Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Newfoundland . We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.’
The lawyer asked, ‘What is the ‘Tree Kick Rule’?’
The Farmer replied, ‘Well, because the dispute occurs on me land, I get to go first. I kick you tree times and then you kick me tree times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.’
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pad.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, ‘Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.’
The old farmer smiled and said, ‘Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.’
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father", answered the mother, "I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
A man drives past a road sign that says.....
" FRUIT that taste like ANYTHING you WANT!"
So the man stops and askes for some fruit that tastes like 'strawberries and cream'......he bights into it and it tasted like strawberries on one side and cream on the other.
The man askes for some fruit that tastes like Steak and Potatoes, and sure enough, it tastes like steak on one side and potatoes on the other.
So he asked for some fruit that tasted like pussie.
He bit into it and said " BLURK!!, it taste like SHIT!"
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
and.....................?
Did you win the game of Darts?
It was a draw.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
Comments
They get 3 puppies from the same litter place one with an architect, an accountant, and a waiter.
The dog's go off for one year.
One year later all 3 dogs are brought back and placed in a room with 20 dog treats.
The architect's dog is lead into the room, he looks at the treats and builds a house. He eats a few treats and then goes off and lays down in the corner.
The accountant's dog is next. He looks at the bones, counts them, breaks them up into 4 groups of 5, eats a few and then joins the other dog.
The waiters dog is then placed in the room. He looks at the bones, smashes them into a powder, snorts the dust, goes over to the other two dogs and fucks them up the ass, gets on the phone calls in sick and then takes a nap.
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic warden’s funeral, a voice screamed from inside the box, “I’m not dead! I’m not dead!”
The vicar shouted back, “Sorry, the paperwork has already been done!”
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...
A carrott.
How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler.
A penguin walks into a pub and asks the landlord "have you seen my dad"? And the landlord replies "what does he look like?"
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.
"Now honey, do a handstand against the full-length mirror on the wall"
"Hmmm", she thinks, "Kinky...I like it!"
She does the handstand and her hubby pulls her legs apart puts his chin down on her privates.
"The boys down the pub were right", he exclaims, "a goatie WOULD suit me!"
Morning comes and the guy sleeping on right says " Last night I dreamt I had the best wank ever". The guy on the left says "Me too!" The guy in the middle says " I dreamt I was skiing!"
He got a John Deere letter.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
She had her house repossessed.
for those with kids here's those fun Tongue Twisters with a Halloween theme!
Get the family laughing!
He thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts.
Creepy crawler critters crawl through creepy crawly craters
Dracula digs dreary, dark dungeons.
Ghostly ghouls gather gleefully to golf on ghostly golf courses.
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins
Horribly hoarse hoot owls hoot howls of horror in halloween haunted houses.
If big black bats could blow bubbles, how big of bubbles would big black bats blow?
If two witches would watch two watches, which witch would watch which watch?
Professional Pumpkin Pickers are prone to pick the plumpest pumpkins.
Transylvanian Tree Trimmers are trained to trim the tallest Transylvanian trees.
Several spooky slimy spiders spun sulking by the sea
The ochre ogre ogled the poker.
Which witch wished which wicked wish?
This frog walks into a bank to get a loan. He steps up to the counter and asks for an application from the clerk, Patty Wack.
"Hi, I'd like to fill out an application for a loan", said the frog.
Patty Wack replied, "Do you have any collateral for this loan; something to stand against your loan?"
The frog replied, "All I have is this statue of a unicorn."
"Well, I don't know," said Patty Wack, "I'll have to ask the manager about this."
Patty Wack goes to see the bank manager.
The bank manager looks at the statue and replies: "Knick Knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan."
Dublin 02 Arena - 22/6/10. Belfast Odyssey Arena - 23/6/10. London Hyde Park - 25/6/10. Berlin Wuhlheide - 30/6/10.
Manchester MEN - 20/06/12. Manchester MEN - 21/06/12
The mom replied, 'White is the color of happiness, & today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?
-Mitch Hedberg
10/24/10, Shoreline Amphitheatre, Mountain View, California (24th Bridge School Benefit)
07/11/11, Paramount Theater, Oakland, California (Eddie Vedder Solo Show)
10/22/11, Shoreline Amphitheatre, Mountain View, California (Eddie Vedder Solo Show, 25th Bridge School Benefit)
Finally as Dracula got to his castle gates, he felt a tap on the shoulder... he turned round to a dark figure wielding a sausage on a cocktail stick. No sooner had Dracula spoken than the dark figure plunged the stick into his heart.
Falling to the floor, Dracula uttered his last words... "Who are you?"... To which the dark stranger announced....
"I am Buffet the Vampire Slayer"!
What do you say to a ghost with three heads?
Hello, hello, hello.
What did the baby ghost eat for dinner?
A boo-loney sandwich.
What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A dead end.
What do you get when you cross a were-wolf with a drip-dry suit?
A wash-and-werewolf.
What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost?
Fasten your sheet belt.
What is a witch with poison ivy called?
An itchy witchy.
Who does a ghoul fall in love with?
His ghoul friend.
Where do vampires live?
In the Vampire State Building.
Who are some of the werewolves cousins?
The whatwolves and the whenwolves.
What is a vampires favorite mode of transportation?
A blood vessel.
What did Dr. Frankenstein get when he put his goldfish's brain in the body of his dog?
I don't know, but it is great at chasing submarines.
What do you call a dog owned by Dracula?
A blood hound.
Why are black cats such good singers?
They're very mewsical.
What's a cold, evil candle called?
The wicked wick of the north.
What kind of hot dogs do werewolves like best?
Hallowieners.
Where do little ghosts learn to yell "BOO!"?
In noisery school.
What does a goblin shop for?
Grosseries.
How can you tell when windows are scared?
They get shudders.
What do you call serious rocks?
Grave stones.
Why did the witch stand up in front of the audience?
She had to give a screech.
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in Newfoundland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, ‘I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.’
The old farmer Garge replied, ‘This is my property, and you are not coming over here.’
The indignant lawyer said, ‘I am one of the best trial lawyers in Toronto and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.’
The old farmer smiled and said, ‘Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Newfoundland . We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.’
The lawyer asked, ‘What is the ‘Tree Kick Rule’?’
The Farmer replied, ‘Well, because the dispute occurs on me land, I get to go first. I kick you tree times and then you kick me tree times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.’
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pad.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, ‘Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.’
The old farmer smiled and said, ‘Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.’
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father", answered the mother, "I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
The old man replys, "It's really quite simple. We have sex almost every night. We almost have it Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday..."
" FRUIT that taste like ANYTHING you WANT!"
So the man stops and askes for some fruit that tastes like 'strawberries and cream'......he bights into it and it tasted like strawberries on one side and cream on the other.
The man askes for some fruit that tastes like Steak and Potatoes, and sure enough, it tastes like steak on one side and potatoes on the other.
So he asked for some fruit that tasted like pussie.
He bit into it and said " BLURK!!, it taste like SHIT!"
and.....................?
Did you win the game of Darts?
It was a draw.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
It's a pretty obscure number...you've probably never heard of it