Husband and wife shopping at Wal-Mart. Husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in the cart. The wife asks what he is doing. He says that the beer is on sale. 24 cans for $10. She says that they cannot afford that so he puts it back. A few isles later the wife puts a $20 tube of face cream in the cart. The husband asks what's that for. The wife says it makes her face pretty. The husband says "so does 24 cans of beer and its half the price."
Clean up in isle 26. Husband down!
guy woke up ,lives in a village ,and see from his window a funeral pass
go outside and see his friend,Billy alone behind the car with 2 coffins,and behind him around 300 people all men and one behind the other ,in a line
wtf.he dress quickly go to billy and says,
-hey bro what happen?
-my wife man.died last night...
-really?how?
-our dog attack her..
-fuck,and the other coffin?
-my mother in law,died yesterday too..our dog kill her too..
r-eally man?ok,can you please give me your dog for a couple of days?
-sorry man,there is a line for that,u must go in the end
"...Dimitri...He talks to me...'.."The Ghost of Greece..".
"..That's One Happy Fuckin Ghost.."
“..That came up on the Pillow Case...This is for the Greek, With Our Apologies.....”
guy woke up ,lives in a village ,and see from his window a funeral pass
go outside and see his friend,Billy alone behind the car with 2 coffins,and behind him around 300 people all men and one behind the other ,in a line
wtf.he dress quickly go to billy and says,
-hey bro what happen?
-my wife man.died last night...
-really?how?
-our dog attack her..
-fuck,and the other coffin?
-my mother in law,died yesterday too..our dog kill her too..
r-eally man?ok,can you please give me your dog for a couple of days?
-sorry man,there is a line for that,u must go in the end
Husband and wife shopping at Wal-Mart. Husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in the cart. The wife asks what he is doing. He says that the beer is on sale. 24 cans for $10. She says that they cannot afford that so he puts it back. A few isles later the wife puts a $20 tube of face cream in the cart. The husband asks what's that for. The wife says it makes her face pretty. The husband says "so does 24 cans of beer and its half the price."
Clean up in isle 26. Husband down!
BAHAHAHAHA! Thanks for that
If you have nothing to lose, you have nothing to worry about.
Husband and wife shopping at Wal-Mart. Husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in the cart. The wife asks what he is doing. He says that the beer is on sale. 24 cans for $10. She says that they cannot afford that so he puts it back. A few isles later the wife puts a $20 tube of face cream in the cart. The husband asks what's that for. The wife says it makes her face pretty. The husband says "so does 24 cans of beer and its half the price."
Clean up in isle 26. Husband down!
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him. Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasec is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating. Curious, the man asks "What are they doing in there"?
The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have ObamaCare.
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him. Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasec is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating. Curious, the man asks "What are they doing in there"?
The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have ObamaCare.
Not really "jokes" but they made me laugh. Supposed to be true 911 calls but who knows....
*********************
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it..
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn.....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No, I'm a Methodist
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
So I'll just lie down and wait for the dream Where I'm not ugly and you're lookin' at me
There's a joke I know called My Dog Named Sex but I don't think I should post here incase the thread gets locked.
Shows: 6.27.08 Hartford, CT/5.15.10 Hartford, CT/6.18.2011 Hartford, CT (EV Solo)/10.19.13 Brooklyn/10.25.13 Hartford
"Becoming a Bruce fan is like hitting puberty as a musical fan. It's inevitable." - dcfaithful
The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.
Apparantely some of my friends think me going to Dunkin Donuts yesterday was a joke:
I walk into Dunkin Donuts to get some food for dinner because I have a night class. I order a chocolate donut, bacon, egg, and cheese on plain bagel, and a strawberry coolata. I get the total, pull out my wallet, and noticed I didn't have any money in my wallet. So I just walked out.
Shows: 6.27.08 Hartford, CT/5.15.10 Hartford, CT/6.18.2011 Hartford, CT (EV Solo)/10.19.13 Brooklyn/10.25.13 Hartford
"Becoming a Bruce fan is like hitting puberty as a musical fan. It's inevitable." - dcfaithful
Apparantely some of my friends think me going to Dunkin Donuts yesterday was a joke:
I walk into Dunkin Donuts to get some food for dinner because I have a night class. I order a chocolate donut, bacon, egg, and cheese on plain bagel, and a strawberry coolata. I get the total, pull out my wallet, and noticed I didn't have any money in my wallet. So I just walked out.
oh my, that's not funny... you were all ready for a great meal!
Hide a spare $10 in your wallet for next time try to forget about it then you'll be surprised when you find it
works for me but I'm getting forgetful, that's the nice thing about that, lots of surprises!
Apparantely some of my friends think me going to Dunkin Donuts yesterday was a joke:
I walk into Dunkin Donuts to get some food for dinner because I have a night class. I order a chocolate donut, bacon, egg, and cheese on plain bagel, and a strawberry coolata. I get the total, pull out my wallet, and noticed I didn't have any money in my wallet. So I just walked out.
oh my, that's not funny... you were all ready for a great meal!
Hide a spare $10 in your wallet for next time try to forget about it then you'll be surprised when you find it
works for me but I'm getting forgetful, that's the nice thing about that, lots of surprises!
It's funny a little bit because it's the second time that it's happened to me! I just said to myself, "Not again".
Shows: 6.27.08 Hartford, CT/5.15.10 Hartford, CT/6.18.2011 Hartford, CT (EV Solo)/10.19.13 Brooklyn/10.25.13 Hartford
"Becoming a Bruce fan is like hitting puberty as a musical fan. It's inevitable." - dcfaithful
Apparantely some of my friends think me going to Dunkin Donuts yesterday was a joke:
I walk into Dunkin Donuts to get some food for dinner because I have a night class. I order a chocolate donut, bacon, egg, and cheese on plain bagel, and a strawberry coolata. I get the total, pull out my wallet, and noticed I didn't have any money in my wallet. So I just walked out.
oh my, that's not funny... you were all ready for a great meal!
Hide a spare $10 in your wallet for next time try to forget about it then you'll be surprised when you find it
works for me but I'm getting forgetful, that's the nice thing about that, lots of surprises!
It's funny a little bit because it's the second time that it's happened to me! I just said to myself, "Not again".
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"
Comments
go outside and see his friend,Billy alone behind the car with 2 coffins,and behind him around 300 people all men and one behind the other ,in a line
wtf.he dress quickly go to billy and says,
-hey bro what happen?
-my wife man.died last night...
-really?how?
-our dog attack her..
-fuck,and the other coffin?
-my mother in law,died yesterday too..our dog kill her too..
r-eally man?ok,can you please give me your dog for a couple of days?
-sorry man,there is a line for that,u must go in the end
"..That's One Happy Fuckin Ghost.."
“..That came up on the Pillow Case...This is for the Greek, With Our Apologies.....”
BAHAHAHAHA! Thanks for that
classic
Did you hear about the new "Divorce Barbie"?
It comes with all of Ken's stuff
What does Kenny G say when he walks into an elevator?
"This place rocks!"
What is Iraq's national bird?
Duck
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
It changes your blood type
Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A. Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.
A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid."
Never get tired of blonde jokes
2010: 5/20 NY, 5/21 NY ... 2011: 6/21 EV NY, 9/3 WI, 9/4 WI ... 2012: 9/2 PA, 9/22 GA ... 2013: 10/18 NY, 10/19 NY, 10/21 PA, 10/22 PA, 10/27 MD
2015: 9/23 NY, 9/26 NY ... 2016: 4/28 PA, 4/29 PA, 5/1 NY, 5/2 NY, 6/11 TN, 8/7 MA, 11/4 TOTD PA, 11/5 TOTD PA ... 2018: 8/10 WA
2022: 9/14 NJ ... 2024: 5/28 WA, 9/7 PA, 9/9 PA ---- http://imgur.com/a/nk0s7
Blonde Logic
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!
What a year!!
Have a good one!
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating. Curious, the man asks "What are they doing in there"?
The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have ObamaCare.
Mini Vans!
Buck Teeth!
"My girlfriend went to Dubai, and all she brought back was camel toe"
or
"I saw Camel Toe in Dubai" (shirt has a picture of a sexy looking camel)
*********************
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it..
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn.....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No, I'm a Methodist
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
Where I'm not ugly and you're lookin' at me
"Becoming a Bruce fan is like hitting puberty as a musical fan. It's inevitable." - dcfaithful
Here Newch....you reminded me of this...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6MTTkGsz3E
(don't listen to at work w/o headphones!)
- Christopher McCandless
got a clean one?
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
If you are psychic - think "HONK"
Grow your own dope, plant a man.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
You! Off my planet!
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
Herblock's Law: If it's good, they will stop making it.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
I walk into Dunkin Donuts to get some food for dinner because I have a night class. I order a chocolate donut, bacon, egg, and cheese on plain bagel, and a strawberry coolata. I get the total, pull out my wallet, and noticed I didn't have any money in my wallet. So I just walked out.
"Becoming a Bruce fan is like hitting puberty as a musical fan. It's inevitable." - dcfaithful
Hide a spare $10 in your wallet for next time
works for me but I'm getting forgetful, that's the nice thing about that, lots of surprises!
"Becoming a Bruce fan is like hitting puberty as a musical fan. It's inevitable." - dcfaithful
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIA1VS2b ... re=related
One guys says, "My dog lost it's nose."
The other guy asks, "How does it smell?"
"Just awful."
The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"
great one will share this with my 7 year old.