A safe place for anxiety sufferers to share.

Thoughts_Arrive · February 2020

So, seeing I've been away a lot here's what been happening with me in the past few weeks (long post warning)....

I was feeling like I was going to lose my best friend due to my promising to sell the house and move out and then changing my mind the next day. He got annoyed at me and said he felt like an idiot. I thought I'm letting everyone down and going to just push everyone away and I did not want to exist anymore. I wanted to die. I closed all my social media accounts and deleted Whatsapp as I lay in bed crying, I wanted to remove all trace of me as I thought about ending it all.

After this, about 2 weeks ago I decided to sell the house and met with my real estate agent.
I told my parents about this decision and my intent to move out and they didn't take it well which led to me losing my temper at my dad which led to him saying it is hard for them to live with me anymore because I am atheist. This hurt me bad as I felt like I was disowned and no longer loved. This led to me punching a table outside in anger with my little nephew and niece inside the house.
I ended up storming out threatening to commit suicide which led to frantic phone calls from my dad.
I parked my car wondering what to do.
I called my brother in law to say how I behaved and he assured me my nephew and niece did not even notice as they were inside watching a movie.
My friend got me to come over to his place to chill out.
I returned home late at night and was in my room for 3-4 days with hardly any food and sleeping most of the time.

After a week of not talking me and my dad started talking again after he broke the silence.
He admitted he and my mum have been wrong in the way they've behaved towards me (I later learned from my brother in law that my estranged sister had a word to my dad to leave me alone and let me live my life).
My dad said I am welcome back any time and that he'd rather I stay and save money instead of paying rent.

After being happy to have found an affordable place to stay with someone I know from art class she called me later that day to apologise and say her daughter does not want me there. So my emotions went from happy to dejected in the space of 12 hours. I woke up depressed and then she messaged saying her daughter changed her mind but wants to meet me (I take this as not a definite yes as she might change her mind after meeting me to a say no). This was compounded by the fact that I was struggling to find somewhere to stay as I did not meet the criteria in most ads (not under 35 yrs of age, male, no full time job, no experience of living in sharehouses, not someone who want to socialise a lot with housemates).

Other things that have stressed me out in the past two weeks:

I went out to see some jazz bands with my friend last week and ended up accidentally hitting a parked car as I was parking. Nothing major, just scratches. So I've been pissed off about having to pay for repairs to the other car and deal with it over the phone.

The job agency is forcing me to look for full time work even though I am studying full time as of less than 2 weeks from now.
They want me to come in for a mandatory interview even though it clashes with university.
They don't care. If I do not comply I do not get paid the dole.
All this can be resolved if the government approves my claim for student support payments.

My real estate agent called yesterday saying the tenants in the house are evading him thus stalling his efforts to put the house up for sale. He needs to get into the house to take photos for advertising.

As things have improved at home, I am now questioning if it is wise to move out. If it is wise to spend rent money, but it's more the fact as per my previous post that it may impact my ability to focus on university.

I am also wondering if I should withdraw from university this year and do Honours next year given all that is going on with moving out, dealing with the sale of my house, dealing with the job agency, not feeling 100% mentally happy and calm.

My thinking has been so over the place in the past 2 weeks I decided to stop studying and get a job asap.
I decided to become a pastry chef or baker and go do 1 year of study to do this, I then changed my mind after some thought.
I then decided to look for work but every job ad says 2-3 years experience which left me feeling so helpless and hopeless.
I have now decided to keep going with university seeing I worked so hard to make it into Honours and what I am studying for is what I really want as a job.

I saw my psychologist over a week ago. I was lucky to be able to see him so soon as the earliest appointment was end of March but I got lucky as patients cancelled. He assured me I can be a clinical psychologist as he has a colleague with bipolar disorder and he has had other psychologists as patients before. I thought I am not suitable for the profession given my issues.

I don't know what else to say, sorry for the long post and if it is hard to follow.

Thoughts_Arrive · February 2020

Add to that, I'm thinking and so do my friends that this lady from art class seems super eager to get me living there.
She said yes to me without consulting her daughter and apologised for that error when she spoke to me. This was in addition to asking me in person during class. And she's said I don't need to pay my share of the bills, only the rent is required (even though she advertised that bills must be paid), I can stay as long as I want and use her painting studio.
She always seems super happy to see me at classes and tends to hang around me.
Not sure if she may be attracted to me as I don't want to have to say not interested in terms of a romantic relationship, especially if I live there.
Maybe I'm being paranoid and maybe she just wants to live with another artist.
But this thought has been causing me worry. I hate having to say no to someone.

lastexitlondon · February 2020

Why would you say no to her?

Matts3221 · February 2020

TA

I feel we have share so much on here , I feel we can speak openly and honestly with each other , in no way am I trying to upset you or trigger you or make you angry so please realize all of that.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I have been waiting for others to respond but I guess I am just trying to wrap my head around this situation , also please note for some reason I did not know you were Bi-Polar but that makes more sense to me now.

You have wanted to move out , you make steps to move out , then you say its been good for a week ( after an argument with your father that had you storming out of your house ) it is like an abusive relationship , just because an abuser does nothing for a week means nothing at all.

You always say how you are looking for someone to be with , you have concern now that someone may possible be attracted to you and you don't want to be with her.

Again I truly care for you but you have such classic abusive relationships , making excuses for those that hurt you , second guessing everything.

Sounds like a nice person in your class is looking for a roommate ( obviously I can understand if a different person lived with her before and did peeped in on the daughter that is cause for alarm on the daughters part ) If everything was ok don't you think it would be good to live somewhere else , you say you are afraid you may not be able to study if they are loud or don't know how they live but I have to assume it would be better than the abuse you take at your parents home.

I am completely ignorant on Australia real estate laws but if you are renting to a family , just show up and to talk to them or send a certified letter.

Again this is said with love but I feel like you are on the cusp of getting out but too afraid to take the step. I truly wish I lived near you so we could just hang out for a weekend and talk , cause I would talk you out of that house.

I get being down , in my 20's I was so depressed at times I would get out of the shower and then sit down soaking wet just staring at the wall for hours not even realizing that I had. I could not even stand up I was so frozen with depression and fear. A friend once came to my house and found me doing this and just took me out for some food. The memory was fuzzy but he was there for me and wanted to talk but said if I did not want to that was fine , he just wanted to see me eat and get dressed.

I want nothing but the best for you , at some point you have to take that jump to get out of your house and if it did not work its not like you could not go back.

Seriously all the love and please don't take this as harsh , I have been sitting on responding to this for the past five hours so I really don't want you to take it the wrong way. I just care and I just feel like you are in an endless circle

Last time none of this is said with anything but love , not trying to hurt your feelings at all.

hedonist · February 2020

Matts3221 said:

TA
I feel we have share so much on here , I feel we can speak openly and honestly with each other , in no way am I trying to upset you or trigger you or make you angry so please realize all of that.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I have been waiting for others to respond but I guess I am just trying to wrap my head around this situation , also please note for some reason I did not know you were Bi-Polar but that makes more sense to me now.
You have wanted to move out , you make steps to move out , then you say its been good for a week ( after an argument with your father that had you storming out of your house ) it is like an abusive relationship , just because an abuser does nothing for a week means nothing at all.
You always say how you are looking for someone to be with , you have concern now that someone may possible be attracted to you and you don't want to be with her.
Again I truly care for you but you have such classic abusive relationships , making excuses for those that hurt you , second guessing everything.
Sounds like a nice person in your class is looking for a roommate ( obviously I can understand if a different person lived with her before and did peeped in on the daughter that is cause for alarm on the daughters part ) If everything was ok don't you think it would be good to live somewhere else , you say you are afraid you may not be able to study if they are loud or don't know how they live but I have to assume it would be better than the abuse you take at your parents home.
I am completely ignorant on Australia real estate laws but if you are renting to a family , just show up and to talk to them or send a certified letter.
Again this is said with love but I feel like you are on the cusp of getting out but too afraid to take the step. I truly wish I lived near you so we could just hang out for a weekend and talk , cause I would talk you out of that house.
I get being down , in my 20's I was so depressed at times I would get out of the shower and then sit down soaking wet just staring at the wall for hours not even realizing that I had. I could not even stand up I was so frozen with depression and fear. A friend once came to my house and found me doing this and just took me out for some food. The memory was fuzzy but he was there for me and wanted to talk but said if I did not want to that was fine , he just wanted to see me eat and get dressed.
I want nothing but the best for you , at some point you have to take that jump to get out of your house and if it did not work its not like you could not go back.
Seriously all the love and please don't take this as harsh , I have been sitting on responding to this for the past five hours so I really don't want you to take it the wrong way. I just care and I just feel like you are in an endless circle
Last time none of this is said with anything but love , not trying to hurt your feelings at all.

Thank you for articulating so well what I couldn't.

deadendp · February 2020

hedonist said:

Matts3221 said:

TA
I feel we have share so much on here , I feel we can speak openly and honestly with each other , in no way am I trying to upset you or trigger you or make you angry so please realize all of that.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I have been waiting for others to respond but I guess I am just trying to wrap my head around this situation , also please note for some reason I did not know you were Bi-Polar but that makes more sense to me now.
You have wanted to move out , you make steps to move out , then you say its been good for a week ( after an argument with your father that had you storming out of your house ) it is like an abusive relationship , just because an abuser does nothing for a week means nothing at all.
You always say how you are looking for someone to be with , you have concern now that someone may possible be attracted to you and you don't want to be with her.
Again I truly care for you but you have such classic abusive relationships , making excuses for those that hurt you , second guessing everything.
Sounds like a nice person in your class is looking for a roommate ( obviously I can understand if a different person lived with her before and did peeped in on the daughter that is cause for alarm on the daughters part ) If everything was ok don't you think it would be good to live somewhere else , you say you are afraid you may not be able to study if they are loud or don't know how they live but I have to assume it would be better than the abuse you take at your parents home.
I am completely ignorant on Australia real estate laws but if you are renting to a family , just show up and to talk to them or send a certified letter.
Again this is said with love but I feel like you are on the cusp of getting out but too afraid to take the step. I truly wish I lived near you so we could just hang out for a weekend and talk , cause I would talk you out of that house.
I get being down , in my 20's I was so depressed at times I would get out of the shower and then sit down soaking wet just staring at the wall for hours not even realizing that I had. I could not even stand up I was so frozen with depression and fear. A friend once came to my house and found me doing this and just took me out for some food. The memory was fuzzy but he was there for me and wanted to talk but said if I did not want to that was fine , he just wanted to see me eat and get dressed.
I want nothing but the best for you , at some point you have to take that jump to get out of your house and if it did not work its not like you could not go back.
Seriously all the love and please don't take this as harsh , I have been sitting on responding to this for the past five hours so I really don't want you to take it the wrong way. I just care and I just feel like you are in an endless circle
Last time none of this is said with anything but love , not trying to hurt your feelings at all.

Thank you for articulating so well what I couldn't.

+1.

Thoughts_Arrive · February 2020

lastexitlondon said:

Why would you say no to her?

She's 53, I'm 35.

Thoughts_Arrive · February 2020

Matts3221 said:

TA
I feel we have share so much on here , I feel we can speak openly and honestly with each other , in no way am I trying to upset you or trigger you or make you angry so please realize all of that.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I have been waiting for others to respond but I guess I am just trying to wrap my head around this situation , also please note for some reason I did not know you were Bi-Polar but that makes more sense to me now.
You have wanted to move out , you make steps to move out , then you say its been good for a week ( after an argument with your father that had you storming out of your house ) it is like an abusive relationship , just because an abuser does nothing for a week means nothing at all.
You always say how you are looking for someone to be with , you have concern now that someone may possible be attracted to you and you don't want to be with her.
Again I truly care for you but you have such classic abusive relationships , making excuses for those that hurt you , second guessing everything.
Sounds like a nice person in your class is looking for a roommate ( obviously I can understand if a different person lived with her before and did peeped in on the daughter that is cause for alarm on the daughters part ) If everything was ok don't you think it would be good to live somewhere else , you say you are afraid you may not be able to study if they are loud or don't know how they live but I have to assume it would be better than the abuse you take at your parents home.
I am completely ignorant on Australia real estate laws but if you are renting to a family , just show up and to talk to them or send a certified letter.
Again this is said with love but I feel like you are on the cusp of getting out but too afraid to take the step. I truly wish I lived near you so we could just hang out for a weekend and talk , cause I would talk you out of that house.
I get being down , in my 20's I was so depressed at times I would get out of the shower and then sit down soaking wet just staring at the wall for hours not even realizing that I had. I could not even stand up I was so frozen with depression and fear. A friend once came to my house and found me doing this and just took me out for some food. The memory was fuzzy but he was there for me and wanted to talk but said if I did not want to that was fine , he just wanted to see me eat and get dressed.
I want nothing but the best for you , at some point you have to take that jump to get out of your house and if it did not work its not like you could not go back.
Seriously all the love and please don't take this as harsh , I have been sitting on responding to this for the past five hours so I really don't want you to take it the wrong way. I just care and I just feel like you are in an endless circle
Last time none of this is said with anything but love , not trying to hurt your feelings at all.

Thank you for your post and for caring.
I am not living with bipolar, sorry for the confusion. My psychologist just used that as an example.
She's way older than me, 17 years gap.

I wouldn't call my dad abusive. He is meek. It's just that since saying I am atheist he has been unfriendly. He's changed his tune since I stormed out and my estranged sister had a talk to him. It's my mum who is the abuser. But now she's all friendly with me since I stormed out.

My agent will drop a letter off in their mailbox and do a door knock seeing they are not taking his calls.

I fear I will lose my friendships if I back out now and stay here.

I forgot to add earlier, in desperation I asked my sister if I could stay at hers (not the estranged one, the other one) she said okay.
But I'd have to sleep in a rumpus room (not sure what that is called in the US or Europe but it's like an extra large room used for entertaining) on the floor on a blow up mattress and that sleeping arrangement doesn't appeal to me. And not sure I can handle my sister and brother in law every day as we have different views on the world and they are on a different wavelength to me.

mickeyrat · February 2020

question. Whats the age range in your art class? What has the time in class been like with this woman as a fellow student?

how often in the past have you been wrong about a situation or projected something that may not be true?

why have you seemingly closed your mind to this opportunity? Had you met the daughter yet? Toured the house? seen what the situation is?

is it possible in your conversations youve let on how tight cash might be and this no bills gesture is a kindness to help you out? not some ulterior motive?

isnt that possible?

Thoughts_Arrive · February 2020

It varies. We have a teen, 20 something, me, 40 somethings, to this lady and then a guy in his 60s.
It's been okay, we all just focus on our work and don't really socialise much until after classes but it's always group socialising.
I won't get to tour the house and meet the daughter until next week.
I might be projecting and misreading, yes.

deadendp · February 2020

Thoughts_Arrive said:

It varies. We have a teen, 20 something, me, 40 somethings, to this lady and then a guy in his 60s.
It's been okay, we all just focus on our work and don't really socialise much until after classes but it's always group socialising.
I won't get to tour the house and meet the daughter until next week.
I might be projecting and misreading, yes.

I am proud of you for admitting that is a possibility.

lastexitlondon · February 2020

You can always go with the flow

Thoughts_Arrive · February 2020

My friend suggested a girl my age he knows.
I have no time for a romantic relationship this year to be honest.
Honours year is tough.

lastexitlondon · February 2020

But friends you should welcome. Not everything is a relationship in that way
A relationship can be with friends i mean the more the merrier

Thoughts_Arrive · February 2020

I guess. But as I get older I just want a few close friends, not heaps.

lastexitlondon · February 2020

Well i know many many people all over the place. None i have to be close to but all i value

Thoughts_Arrive · February 2020

I'm like that, I feel like I have acquaintances but about 2 close friends.

Thoughts_Arrive · February 2020

How is everyone going?

lastexitlondon · February 2020

I forgot to update my dear partner had her scan and thankfully nothing major.
But im bogged down in fear about this coronavirus with our kids travelling arpund london i cant cope. Also im at a crossroads with this not drinking i cant go on as i am. Smoking weed daily just to get by . Completely sober is not an option but i dont want either i just want it all to stop. I sit here in the very early morning with my 2 year old just wishing i could slip away forever

lastexitlondon · February 2020

I will add i wont kill myself . I have massive guilt over smoking and even bigger guilt about if i was to drink now after 7 weeks im always beating myself up . Always

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