A safe place for anxiety sufferers to share.

Thoughts_Arrive · November 2019

Fifthelement said:

Thanks for checking in M. I’m sorry that you still have down moments, but from reading what and how you are writing over the past couple of weeks, I can detect an obvious improvement. I hope you can recognise that as well. Enjoy the good moments as you find them, hopefully the good moments will soon outnumber the low moments. Cheers😊

Thanks S

It's been just over a week on the increased dosage so I need to wait it out and hope it gets better.

Thoughts_Arrive · November 2019

I feel like such a loser.
All my friends and family have their shit together and going to mandatory job agency appointments makes me feel like such a pathetic loser.
They treat me like shit, condescending. I blew up this morning, told the young girl to treat me like a human being, not speak to me like a child and reminded her that I have feelings. The girl was chastising me for not having made an appointment to be mentally assessed to determine whether I qualify to be exempt from looking for work. I told her to show some understanding that having to go through that is anxiety provoking which is why I did not do it. This job agency are stupid, they got it wrong, all I had to do was show my GPs medical certificate to get a 3 month break from mandatory job applications and appointments. It is only after 3 months and showing a medical certificate for a second time that you need to prove you are not fit to work. My psychologist told me they told me wrong last week when I saw him.
I feel relieved I have 3 months break from all this stress.
Hopefully in 3 months I will be a full time university student again and won't need to go through all this.
Bullying has destroyed my confidence to get back to work, they do not give a shit at the job agency.
End rant.

Thoughts_Arrive · November 2019

Just thinking about my history of being bullied at work is making me angry and anxiety ridden about having to one day return to being bullied which might tip me over the edge. I shared this in a depression support group on Facebook. I hope you understand why I do not wish to return to work.

Employer 1:
- asked by one employee in front of a bunch of other employees if I sucked cock the night before as my face was puffed up from having my wisdom teeth removed
- purchased a 'feminine' drink whilst everyone got beers at a work function
- had my car swerved into as I was driving out of the facility I worked at by one employee and another employee in the car laughing
- constantly stared at by one guy every time I walked into the warehouse
- same guy made an inappropriate comment about my ethnic background in front of another guy who burst out laughing
- always aggressively asked 'what's up' by the warehouse manager whenever I stepped foot in the warehouse
- sent porn on my work email and asked if I did not open the link because I am not into females

Employer 2:
- my direct manager had it in for me, called me stupid once for using a calculator when he asked me to work something out whilst standing over me as I was seated at my desk
- same manager always targeted me at work functions in front of everyone, just tried to make me feel silly for whatever reason
- same manager was making fun of the suburb I live because it is low socio economic and has drug and crime issues

Employer 3:
- one guy said I must masturbate a lot for being single
- same guy kept asking all the time how is it that I am single and have never been married
- constantly picked on by everyone in the office for not drinking alcohol
- was called stupid quite loud and aggressivley by one guy in a team meeting
- was called a 'mama luk' by same guy, whatever that means
- was made to go look for supposedly lost house keys I supposedly lost when doing a property inspection, and somehow they were in the office even though I know I put them back and did not lose them
- was given a faulty stapler which would not staple properly and was laughed at and asked if I'd ever used a stapler before
- when after the meeting where I was called stupid I told the bully to not call me stupid, he called me a sook, grabbed my stuff and dumped it in the board room and made me work in there, isolated and alone.

Employer 4:
- was angrily told off in front of cafe diners along with one other guy for being too slow by a manager even though I was working as fast as I could and the kid working on the floor with me was mucking around and taking it easy. I was new and had no prior experience in cafes so how could I be so fast so soon.

Teaching rounds at a high school:
- my supervising teacher was very rude to me and kept putting my efforts down and saying my performance was unacceptable and comparing me to other student teachers who were doing so much more than me. My uni backed me up saying she was asking too much but because my supervising teacher said she'd fail me I would thus fail the uni subject. She was so rude, would not talk to me, even on yard duty when I was shadowing her. It made me feel like such a failure.

Prior to employer 1 above when I was at my first job in fast food:
- my manager kept picking on me, talking to others about me behind my back and they were all giggling. My sister had to call them and stick up for me.

lastexitlondon · November 2019

Its good to talk and to share.
Don't let it define you. Its the past. And it belongs there.

Thoughts_Arrive · November 2019

I'm struggling to let it go. It keeps replaying in my head and I feel like I'm back there.

I hope you are doing fine?

lastexitlondon · November 2019

Sadly not. No more i can do.
I dont want to worry anyone so i dont post much. Its all repetition and i feel its too much

HughFreakingDillon · November 2019

sounds like you have worked with a lot of teenage jocks from 1980's movies. jesus. how does this shit happen in a real workplace?

Thoughts_Arrive · November 2019

HughFreakingDillon said:

sounds like you have worked with a lot of teenage jocks from 1980's movies. jesus. how does this shit happen in a real workplace?

I cannot understand how it goes on unpunished. If I was a manager I would crack down hard on this behaviour.
That job at employer 3 made me feel like I was back in high school.

Thoughts_Arrive · November 2019

I just finished my last university exam and have thus finished my Bachelor's degree yet I feel so empty and sad.
I should feel excited, happy. But I am not.

Fifthelement · November 2019

Thoughts_Arrive said:

I just finished my last university exam and have thus finished my Bachelor's degree yet I feel so empty and sad.
I should feel excited, happy. But I am not.

Congratulations M! That is an awesome achievement even though it may not feel like it at the moment. What you’re feeling is quite normal. Understandably, you’re tired; you’ve worked hard to achieve this degree. In addition to the normal challenges and stresses school can bring, you’ve managed to overcome the challenges of anxiety and depression to actually complete this specific goal. That’s not nothing! You’re now facing the question of, “what do I do now?” That can cause additional anxiety and stress. Try to put that aside for a moment. Give yourself some time to rest and recuperate. Maybe go on a mini-break to a beachside cabin or something. An opportunity to get away from your current situation. Hopefully, you’ll come to appreciate what you’ve accomplished. Again, congratulations.

S xx

Thoughts_Arrive · November 2019

Fifthelement said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

I just finished my last university exam and have thus finished my Bachelor's degree yet I feel so empty and sad.
I should feel excited, happy. But I am not.

Congratulations M! That is an awesome achievement even though it may not feel like it at the moment. What you’re feeling is quite normal. Understandably, you’re tired; you’ve worked hard to achieve this degree. In addition to the normal challenges and stresses school can bring, you’ve managed to overcome the challenges of anxiety and depression to actually complete this specific goal. That’s not nothing! You’re now facing the question of, “what do I do now?” That can cause additional anxiety and stress. Try to put that aside for a moment. Give yourself some time to rest and recuperate. Maybe go on a mini-break to a beachside cabin or something. An opportunity to get away from your current situation. Hopefully, you’ll come to appreciate what you’ve accomplished. Again, congratulations.

S xx

Thank you so much S, you're very kind and beautiful xx
Yeah there's a bit of anxiety about the next step. I plan on doing Honours next year if I get accepted which I think I will.
My growing student loan debt is worrying me. Not sure I'll be able afford to do a Master's after Honours.
I had 2 poor night's sleep and last night slept okay, my anxiety has been 10/10 because of the exam and beginning art classes next week.
I didn't do the best I felt on my exam so was a bit pissed off aftwerwards. I ran out of time and had to rush it.
A bit sad it is all over, no idea why as I'll be back there next year if accepted into Honours.
I just felt lonely after the exam too, my cohort all went for pizza and drinks after the exam, I went home alone.
I'm way older than them so it's not the right fit, I've been once before to drinks. I didn't get invited this time probably because I'm not into what they are into or because they guy that organises is upset at my Facebook posts about banning horse racing when he is into that (he came across as a bit cold compared to his usual friendly self).
As for a get away, does starting art classes next week count haha?

PJ_Soul · November 2019

Thoughts_Arrive said:

I just finished my last university exam and have thus finished my Bachelor's degree yet I feel so empty and sad.
I should feel excited, happy. But I am not.

I basically felt the same way when I graduated from university. I LOVED my university years, and my entire life revolved around going to university and all the people I was connected to there. I even worked there, in a position that required you to be a student, so I lost two beloved jobs when I graduated instead of just the one job of being a full time student. I also lost my very active social life on campus, and I saw many very close friends leave and move to distance places to carry on with their own lives. Leaving that rich and happy life so suddenly was a true loss for me, and I grieved it for quite a while. I also had no idea WTF I was going to do. I spent the next 6 months looking for a decent job, and it really really sucked. I was terribly poor while I tried to start a career. To top it off, me and my boyfriend of 2 years broke up at that time just because all those changes for both of us disrupted what we were getting out of each other as students - our relationship didn't survive the life transition. It was a shitty period in life. But I think this is a relatively normal experience to feel empty and sad upon graduation. It's not fucking fun to suddenly enter the "real world" like that and lose what you have known for years, unless maybe if you happen to graduate with some great job offers, which isn't the norm, or unless you plan on immediately going back to school for a masters, and just continue what you've been doing.

My point is don't be so hard on yourself. There is no way you "should" feel about this. You feel the way you feel for good reasons. This isn't an easy time for people. Now you just need to find a job. There ARE jobs out there where bullying isn't a thing. I have no clue how you came to work as places full of so many inappropriately mean people.

Thoughts_Arrive · November 2019

Thank you PJ_Soul.
I didn't have an active social life at university being much older than my cohort. They all went for drinks to celebrate, I went home, meh. I wasn't invited anyways. I saw everyone all happy and together and I was going home alone and feeling not that great and it made me feel worse. Last time I graduated from university in 2005 I was so excited I was jumping for joy.
I'll be doing Honours at the same university it seems, so it'll just be like a continuation for me.
But I still felt a bit flat even though I know that. No idea why. Maybe because Honours is very intense and I need to get first class honours to be able to progress to Master's or PhD. I'm actually waiting on the outcome of a part time job at another university in a tutoring role. So I might have employment whilst studying next year.
Oh, and there's a conflict with loving art so much. My art teacher told me all the great painters had jobs on the side and started painting in their 30s. I guess I should not feel too bad.

I still have anxiety though, I just feel on edge. I'll have to mention this to my GP if it does not go away in a week or so.
I spent the afternoon drawing (see post in the art forum) to take my mind off it but I still do not feel calm.

Thoughts_Arrive · November 2019

It would make me feel a lot better if family and friends asked how I was going with my mental health but they never do.
It makes me feel alone and that no one cares about me.
I have an appointment this afternoon with a psychiatrist to review my medication, have not seen one in years. My GP suggested I check with one for an expert opinion. I don't even know what to say. Not sure if this new drug is even working. No drug will cure loneliness, feeling like noone cares, not having a direction in life, not having a purpose, a job, a place of your own, a partner, a decent family etc etc etc.

hedonist · November 2019

Some of that has to come from you; hopefully the psychiatrist, along with other means, can help you get there.

(I'm surprised this wasn't an option provided / taken before...?)

Rob, how are you doing?

Thoughts_Arrive · November 2019

hedonist said:

Some of that has to come from you; hopefully the psychiatrist, along with other means, can help you get there.

(I'm surprised this wasn't an option provided / taken before...?)

Rob, how are you doing?

What option? Seeing the psychiatrist?
What about noone asking how I'm going?

mickeyrat · November 2019

Thoughts_Arrive said:

hedonist said:

Some of that has to come from you; hopefully the psychiatrist, along with other means, can help you get there.

(I'm surprised this wasn't an option provided / taken before...?)

Rob, how are you doing?

What option? Seeing the psychiatrist?
What about noone asking how I'm going?

they say we train others how to treat us.

perhaps, just maybe , folks are afraid of the answer. when given honestly , instead of the I'm ok surface pleasanties.

So, they ask. You answer honestly. Then what? Isnt that an awkward position to be put in?

Most often, what you are experiencing, is about them and their fear of uncomfortability.

Does that make sense?

deadendp · November 2019

mickeyrat said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

hedonist said:

Some of that has to come from you; hopefully the psychiatrist, along with other means, can help you get there.

(I'm surprised this wasn't an option provided / taken before...?)

Rob, how are you doing?

What option? Seeing the psychiatrist?
What about noone asking how I'm going?

they say we train others how to treat us.

perhaps, just maybe , folks are afraid of the answer. when given honestly , instead of the I'm ok surface pleasanties.

So, they ask. You answer honestly. Then what? Isnt that an awkward position to be put in?

Most often, what you are experiencing, is about them and their fear of uncomfortability.
Does that make sense?

I was going to say just this.

There are so many times people are so worried about saying the wrong thing that they say nothing at all believing that causes less damage. And...honestly, that sometimes is the better option, particularly when speaking to people who lack a filter.

mickeyrat · November 2019

deadendp said:

mickeyrat said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

hedonist said:

Some of that has to come from you; hopefully the psychiatrist, along with other means, can help you get there.

(I'm surprised this wasn't an option provided / taken before...?)

Rob, how are you doing?

What option? Seeing the psychiatrist?
What about noone asking how I'm going?

they say we train others how to treat us.

perhaps, just maybe , folks are afraid of the answer. when given honestly , instead of the I'm ok surface pleasanties.

So, they ask. You answer honestly. Then what? Isnt that an awkward position to be put in?

Most often, what you are experiencing, is about them and their fear of uncomfortability.
Does that make sense?

I was going to say just this.

There are so many times people are so worried about saying the wrong thing that they say nothing at all believing that causes less damage. And...honestly, that sometimes is the better option, particularly when speaking to people who lack a filter.

although that leads to feelings of being unloved or unworthy of caring.....

hedonist · November 2019

Thoughts_Arrive said:

hedonist said:

Some of that has to come from you; hopefully the psychiatrist, along with other means, can help you get there.

(I'm surprised this wasn't an option provided / taken before...?)

Rob, how are you doing?

What option? Seeing the psychiatrist?
What about noone asking how I'm going?

The psychiatrist option. Did you not seek it out or wasn't it available before now?

As for the other question, see below!

*edit - technically, above

A safe place for anxiety sufferers to share.

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