when i...

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  • gimmesometruth27gimmesometruth27 St. Fuckin LouisPosts: 16,183
    he said stay with me...
    she said I cant.
    he held his hand out anyway.
    she lowered her head and turned away.
    there was nothing else that she could say.
    he stepped towards her.
    she stopped and turned...
    told him to leave her be.
    and so he let her walk away
    wondering what went wrong
    yet knowing letting her in
    was probably his one mistake.
    i really relate to this one. had a similar experience recently. thanks for sharing this.
    "There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed."- Hemingway

    "i'm not here to start the fire. i am here to fan the flames..."

    If you have never failed, you have never lived.
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    for the first time, this year I totally forgot about your birthday. that thought made me smile. it meant id finally put you behind me.. hallefuckinlujah i say.. it took me long enough.
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    so anyways he said what the fuck are you doing back here? I shrugged my shoulders and told him I got bored.
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • chadwickchadwick up my assPosts: 21,157
    welcome back, catester. i have missed your writings & wit
    for poetry through the ceiling. ISBN: 1 4241 8840 7

    "Hear me, my chiefs!
    I am tired; my heart is
    sick and sad. From where
    the sun stands I will fight
    no more forever."

    Chief Joseph - Nez Perce
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    edited May 2014
    so im staring put the window at the tree across the street.
    its leaves a deep burgundy, a carpet of green around its feet
    im staring out the window at the passing of the cars
    the grey sky above hiding all the stars....
    Post edited by catefrances on
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    he wonders how many hours he wasted drinking at the bar talking to strangers hed never see aagain.
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    he watches her from afar wondering when it is shell leave. its got past the point of if and every day he wakes with her beside him is one more day closer to when she will leave. the times she is truly present and those when she seems to disappear within herself are fairly even these days and he knows the next time she leaves, it will be forever
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    shes been out there for hours.. just sitting on the end of the dock, her legs dangling over the edge, swaying slowly to a tune only she can hear. she does this every day. it has become something she needs to do. he never asks her what she thinks of all those hours. he knows shell tell him if she needs to. sometimes she does. sometimes she calls to him to come lay by her side when she falls back against the old wood her father built the dock with. the setting sun has just touched the tops of the trees and he knows it wont be long til she stands, stretches her arms high above her head, spin on the spot and walk barefoot back to him.
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    rain falling
    on desire proven
    negates her every thought
    the endless durge
    swells her heart
    threatens to dislodge
    the careful steps shes taken
    to pretend itll be just fine
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    edited October 2014
    Cant always be right
    cant always be there
    cant always be the one to hold your hand

    sometimes ill be wrong
    sometimes ill be gone
    and sometimes the hand you want to hold
    will be the one to slap you down
    Post edited by catefrances on
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • hedonisthedonist standing on the edge of foreverPosts: 19,978
    I don't know what prompted your latest post, but it reminded me of this.

    (was one of my saving graces during a time when I needed it - and it got me through)

    A groan of tedium escapes me, startling the fearful.
    Is this a test?
    It has to be. Otherwise I can't go on.
    Draining patience. drain vitality.
    this paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old.

    But I'm still right here, giving blood and keeping faith. And I'm still right here.
    But I'm still right here, giving blood and keeping faith. And I'm still right here.

    I'm gonna wait it out

    If there were no rewards to reap,
    no loving embrace to see me through this tedious path I've chosen here,
    I certainly would've walked away by now.

    I'm gonna wait it out

    If there were no desire to heal
    The damaged and broken met along this tedious path I've chosen here,
    I certainly would've walked away by now.

    I still may. And I still may.
    Be patient.

    I must keep reminding myself of this...

    If there were no rewards to reap,
    no loving embrace to see me through this tedious path I've chosen here,
    I certainly would've walked away by now.
    And I still may. And I still may. And I still may.

    I'm gonna wait it out.
    I'm gonna wait it out.
    Gonna wait it out.
    Gonna wait it out.
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    Its interesting you quote this song to me hedonist..... I used lateralus as my lullaby many many times..... I found it soothed me when I needed it. :)
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • hedonisthedonist standing on the edge of foreverPosts: 19,978
    edited October 2014
    That music is SO good for what ails you - or even when not ailing.

    It's just...perfect.

    I like your take on Lateralus, too.

    edit - enjoy your road tripping :)
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    edited October 2014
    She floats around him
    not totally disengaged
    nor present
    her head hums with a dissonance
    that never fully goes away and
    sometimes screams wrenching her mind apart
    why is she here?
    why is he here?
    what does he want from her?
    what does she need from him?
    the cold chills her bones
    freezing her heart to almost nothing
    what does he need from her?
    what does she want from him?
    Solace, the occasional absence
    that allows her soul to set right
    she hears his breathing
    and looks for her escape
    Post edited by catefrances on
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    calmly and quietly she slips away
    sneaks aboard the train
    hell turn around but
    she wont be there
    and he'll wonder
    where it is she's gone
    his thoughts will preoccupy him
    but not for as long as she'll be away
    and when she comes back
    he'll be sleeping
    and she'll truly be his dream girl
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    she all but throws herself in front of him
    the screaming deafening, but no one can hear
    its all in her head.
    she smiled when she left but she need not have bothered
    he didn't even notice shed gone... maybe he had
    how would she know? shes heard nothing from him
    it amazes her how easily he holds his silence
    she understands though.... shes got nothing to give him, nothing he wants anyway
    she knows he gets distracted by the pretty things and that she pays the cost
    sometimes it amuses her but mostly shes saddened
    shell let it go one day but that day is not today
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    she paints a smile across the sky
    and keeps her words inside
    she dances alone
    a dervish whirling
    trying to survive
    she wonders how
    he turned his back
    forgotten evrything
    she fights torecognise
    the love that didnt even exist

    how does this keep happening
    she wonders to herself
    she fights
    she kicks
    she screams within
    and drinks herself to numb

    she understands the trust she puts
    in those that dont deserve it
    but in the mirror she stares back at
    the person whose doubts
    who just cant fathom
    the lack of everything she craves
    goes absolutely totally without it
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • rollingsrollings unknownPosts: 6,808

    in the mirror she stares back at
    the person whose doubts
    who just cant fathom
    the lack of everything she craves
    goes absolutely totally without it

    cool writing :thumbsup:
  • whispering handswhispering hands Under your skinPosts: 13,527
    I have missed your writing!
    D1B50013-8BB5-4861-B9BC-AA0D88D58DF4.jpg

    The first rule of the ten club fight club is you don't talk about the ten club fight club!
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    well then i shall see if cant do more of it. :)
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    edited January 2017
    it came to be the hardest thing she ever had to do... leave her self behind so that she could move forward. the first day had her pausing at her door, willing her feet to take that step. words inside her head tried to convince her she needed to make the move, to feel the sunshine on her face, to feel the breeze wash over her body. to hear the noises of the outside world, the ones that would block out the voices from winthin. the second day had her sitting on the top step seeing and hearing only what passed her by(and the low hum of the freeway traffic half a mile away) when she heard the postmans bike, she sat still, trying to make herself smaller so she wouldnt be noticed. on the third day she made it to the front gate, clearing out the mail box, tossing most of it in the kitchen bin. by the fourth day she was back in her room....
    Post edited by catefrances on
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    my mind is messed
    im standing on a chest
    of treasure that is pure fools gold
    im sober yet
    i feel drunk
    on stupidity, ignorance and funk
    no sense i feel
    nor truth to be seen
    your thoughts make roses bloom
    the pungent smell of fucked up words
    you call alternative facts
    you praise your lord
    despite the tears he weeps
    as you use his name in vain
    and obsfucate his message
    to suit the lies you lay
    upon the alter strewn with bodies
    you dont care
    how could you?
    theyre not your blood...
    ... but they are
    cause all of us are connected
    but of course not 'my' son
    so you stand there
    head bowed, arms bound, screaming..
    .. he's not my son
    yet he drowns in your blood
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    I see it NOW cause my minds not so clouded
    You were so self contained that NOW
    I understand that I never knew you at all
    I laid myself open for you,
    NOT wanting to hear 'you never said'
    I thought perversely that I'd drive you away,
    Yet thought that my whole self was enough
    How wrong i was...
    I never knew your friends, I never knew who you spoke to
    I was always conscious enough to call my friends by name thinking
    They'd be less intimidating.... I was wrong....
    Now when I see... When I look, I see I wa projecting my desires onto you...
    My desire for you to be open with me...
    My desire for you to feel so at ease that you could tell me anything
    My desire for you to want me for who I was...
    But I realise NOW that you didn't know what you wanted, you didn't know how to get it, you didn't know...
    You simply didn't know....
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • Godfather.Godfather. Posts: 12,504
    nice writing, if this is about you and the recent past I truly wish you a happier life to come.
    it dosen't matter to me what a man dose for a living you understand..
    as long as his interest's don't conflict with mine.
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    he struggles with the reasons why
    she struggles with the word goodbye
    feigning sleep to get some peace
    only to be shattered by careless words
    and a smile that hid strangled contempt
    she wonders why he even began
    but even moreso why he continued
    the same could be said of her
    and for that
    she has no answer


    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    she sits and wonders
    those she thought friends
    where are they now?
    what is it they think of
    is it her?
    her doubts rise mountain like
    from the flat plain of her existence
    is it her?
    what?
    is it what she expects,
    is it too much?
    not enough?
    how does she gauge
    her worth?
    how does anyone?
    she once thought she was worth so much time
    that she now strangles on the excess left.
    she cant be worth so little
    that no one cares
    cause she cares enough
    for the whole world to lift her so high
    she sees the coming dawn.
    yet when she sits alone
    with thoughts of herself
    she sees nothing
    hears no one
    and realises yes,
    those she thought cared at least something,
    cared nothing for her
    and its time she cant get back.


    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    edited May 2018



    Post edited by catefrances on
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    do you ever feel like killing yourself, he asked. her heart leapt into her throat, she could barely contain the smile forming on her lips. yes, she said without thought or reservation. do you want anything, he asked as they plled into the drive thru.  
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    edited June 4
    it had been nearly a year. the meds werent working. she still felt like shit. her drinking went from sober for weeks to digging out more bottles than she could carry out of the waste paper basket over days. so she stopped... the meds, not the booze. lets not get ridiculous here.  there was a month left on her script but she said no more. every time she stood up her head shot in all directions. if she was walking, which she did slow cause her head  liked it that way. any change in direction had her brain several paces behind. she looked at people but looked through them. they kinds just floatedstraight through her head like casper. her eyeballs welled up with tears and more than once she felt like punching the walls, shaving her head, walking out the door never to return, eating everything she could in the house. she felt like screaming and sometimes did, her face buried in the pillow. she spent days in bed curled under the doona, the black dog curled at her feet. he was her saviour, though he didnt know it. he just loved the extra attention. and she loved his presence. she blew off shifts and still couldnt understand where it all came from. she didnt shower for weeks and only washed her hair in a bucket when there was a need. there were nights when she didnt sleep, others when sleep came with the rising sun. thinking of reasons to leave the house grew scarce. shed make plans and when the day came, spend it in bed. everything she wanted to do turned into things she didnt do. a movie not seen. a walk not taken. an exhibition missed. a shopping trip put off. ill go next week she told herself. next week turned into this week then turned into last week. what did you do, hed ask. and shed say the usual. which they both knew meant nothing. he stopped asking. now hes gone. he never understood that she lived inside her mind... how crowded it was in there. and now he doesnt have to understand anything about her. she misses him sometimes. she misses the feel of his body next to hers. the sound of his breath. the way hed try to tell her he knew everything. she wants to miss him more but then she remembers his selfishness and how her desire to see him turned into not wanting to be with him when she was. she erased his phone number and  their message exchange so she wouldnt be tempted. shes mostly okay with that decision. she started a course last week that would help her find a job... to make her more desirable to prospective employers. the thought of that put her on edge of course. being desirable in any shape or form meant that she was seen. she didnt like to be seen. she came home from class yesterday and stood in the kitchen crying. what the fuck was that about? she cant tell you cause she doesnt know... it just happens. it all just happens and she remembers back to when he asked her does she ever feel like killng herself, and wishes she could... not just think about it.   

    Post edited by catefrances on
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    edited June 7
    she remembers her sister saying "you have to tell men what you want them to do. she thought well maybe shes right, afterall her sister has been married for  over 30 years. hmm clearly this has been her issue...maybe if she were stronger...  shes always allowed men to come to their own conclusions, to decide for themselves. surely they know what they want... if they dont theyd tell you, or at least let you know  somehow, right?  but what if they dont? what if  they dont know? what if they DO know but  for whatever reason arent capable? what if YOURE not capable of telling them what to do and assume thell do the right thing? thank you spike lee.  what if youre so fucking delusional that you expect men to come into a relationship as equals?  for them to respect you as you respect them?  is that the mistake shes been making? who the fuck knows cause surely she doesnt. with hindsight she can see shes never known. 
    Post edited by catefrances on
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
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