when i...

gimmesometruth27

catefrances wrote:

he said stay with me...
she said I cant.
he held his hand out anyway.
she lowered her head and turned away.
there was nothing else that she could say.
he stepped towards her.
she stopped and turned...
told him to leave her be.
and so he let her walk away
wondering what went wrong
yet knowing letting her in
was probably his one mistake.

i really relate to this one. had a similar experience recently. thanks for sharing this.

catefrances

for the first time, this year I totally forgot about your birthday. that thought made me smile. it meant id finally put you behind me.. hallefuckinlujah i say.. it took me long enough.

catefrances

so anyways he said what the fuck are you doing back here? I shrugged my shoulders and told him I got bored.

chadwick

welcome back, catester. i have missed your writings & wit

catefrances

so im staring put the window at the tree across the street.
its leaves a deep burgundy, a carpet of green around its feet
im staring out the window at the passing of the cars
the grey sky above hiding all the stars....

catefrances

he wonders how many hours he wasted drinking at the bar talking to strangers hed never see aagain.

catefrances

he watches her from afar wondering when it is shell leave. its got past the point of if and every day he wakes with her beside him is one more day closer to when she will leave. the times she is truly present and those when she seems to disappear within herself are fairly even these days and he knows the next time she leaves, it will be forever

catefrances

shes been out there for hours.. just sitting on the end of the dock, her legs dangling over the edge, swaying slowly to a tune only she can hear. she does this every day. it has become something she needs to do. he never asks her what she thinks of all those hours. he knows shell tell him if she needs to. sometimes she does. sometimes she calls to him to come lay by her side when she falls back against the old wood her father built the dock with. the setting sun has just touched the tops of the trees and he knows it wont be long til she stands, stretches her arms high above her head, spin on the spot and walk barefoot back to him.

catefrances

rain falling
on desire proven
negates her every thought
the endless durge
swells her heart
threatens to dislodge
the careful steps shes taken
to pretend itll be just fine

catefrances

Cant always be right
cant always be there
cant always be the one to hold your hand

sometimes ill be wrong
sometimes ill be gone
and sometimes the hand you want to hold
will be the one to slap you down

hedonist

I don't know what prompted your latest post, but it reminded me of this.

(was one of my saving graces during a time when I needed it - and it got me through)

A groan of tedium escapes me, startling the fearful.
Is this a test?
It has to be. Otherwise I can't go on.
Draining patience. drain vitality.
this paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old.

But I'm still right here, giving blood and keeping faith. And I'm still right here.
But I'm still right here, giving blood and keeping faith. And I'm still right here.

I'm gonna wait it out

If there were no rewards to reap,
no loving embrace to see me through this tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.

I'm gonna wait it out

If there were no desire to heal
The damaged and broken met along this tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.

I still may. And I still may.
Be patient.

I must keep reminding myself of this...

If there were no rewards to reap,
no loving embrace to see me through this tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
And I still may. And I still may. And I still may.

I'm gonna wait it out.
I'm gonna wait it out.
Gonna wait it out.
Gonna wait it out.

catefrances

Its interesting you quote this song to me hedonist..... I used lateralus as my lullaby many many times..... I found it soothed me when I needed it.

hedonist

That music is SO good for what ails you - or even when not ailing.

It's just...perfect.

I like your take on Lateralus, too.

edit - enjoy your road tripping

catefrances

She floats around him
not totally disengaged
nor present
her head hums with a dissonance
that never fully goes away and
sometimes screams wrenching her mind apart
why is she here?
why is he here?
what does he want from her?
what does she need from him?
the cold chills her bones
freezing her heart to almost nothing
what does he need from her?
what does she want from him?
Solace, the occasional absence
that allows her soul to set right
she hears his breathing
and looks for her escape

catefrances

calmly and quietly she slips away
sneaks aboard the train
hell turn around but
she wont be there
and he'll wonder
where it is she's gone
his thoughts will preoccupy him
but not for as long as she'll be away
and when she comes back
he'll be sleeping
and she'll truly be his dream girl

catefrances

she all but throws herself in front of him
the screaming deafening, but no one can hear
its all in her head.
she smiled when she left but she need not have bothered
he didn't even notice shed gone... maybe he had
how would she know? shes heard nothing from him
it amazes her how easily he holds his silence
she understands though.... shes got nothing to give him, nothing he wants anyway
she knows he gets distracted by the pretty things and that she pays the cost
sometimes it amuses her but mostly shes saddened
shell let it go one day but that day is not today

catefrances

she paints a smile across the sky
and keeps her words inside
she dances alone
a dervish whirling
trying to survive
she wonders how
he turned his back
forgotten evrything
she fights torecognise
the love that didnt even exist

how does this keep happening
she wonders to herself
she fights
she kicks
she screams within
and drinks herself to numb

she understands the trust she puts
in those that dont deserve it
but in the mirror she stares back at
the person whose doubts
who just cant fathom
the lack of everything she craves
goes absolutely totally without it

rollings

catefrances said:

in the mirror she stares back at
the person whose doubts
who just cant fathom
the lack of everything she craves
goes absolutely totally without it

cool writing :thumbsup:

whispering hands

I have missed your writing!

catefrances

well then i shall see if cant do more of it.

catefrances

it came to be the hardest thing she ever had to do... leave her self behind so that she could move forward. the first day had her pausing at her door, willing her feet to take that step. words inside her head tried to convince her she needed to make the move, to feel the sunshine on her face, to feel the breeze wash over her body. to hear the noises of the outside world, the ones that would block out the voices from winthin. the second day had her sitting on the top step seeing and hearing only what passed her by(and the low hum of the freeway traffic half a mile away) when she heard the postmans bike, she sat still, trying to make herself smaller so she wouldnt be noticed. on the third day she made it to the front gate, clearing out the mail box, tossing most of it in the kitchen bin. by the fourth day she was back in her room....

catefrances

my mind is messed
im standing on a chest
of treasure that is pure fools gold
im sober yet
i feel drunk
on stupidity, ignorance and funk
no sense i feel
nor truth to be seen
your thoughts make roses bloom
the pungent smell of fucked up words
you call alternative facts
you praise your lord
despite the tears he weeps
as you use his name in vain
and obsfucate his message
to suit the lies you lay
upon the alter strewn with bodies
you dont care
how could you?
theyre not your blood...
... but they are
cause all of us are connected
but of course not 'my' son
so you stand there
head bowed, arms bound, screaming..
.. he's not my son
yet he drowns in your blood

catefrances

I see it NOW cause my minds not so clouded
You were so self contained that NOW
I understand that I never knew you at all
I laid myself open for you,
NOT wanting to hear 'you never said'
I thought perversely that I'd drive you away,
Yet thought that my whole self was enough
How wrong i was...
I never knew your friends, I never knew who you spoke to
I was always conscious enough to call my friends by name thinking
They'd be less intimidating.... I was wrong....
Now when I see... When I look, I see I wa projecting my desires onto you...
My desire for you to be open with me...
My desire for you to feel so at ease that you could tell me anything
My desire for you to want me for who I was...
But I realise NOW that you didn't know what you wanted, you didn't know how to get it, you didn't know...
You simply didn't know....

Godfather.

nice writing, if this is about you and the recent past I truly wish you a happier life to come.

catefrances

he struggles with the reasons why
she struggles with the word goodbye
feigning sleep to get some peace
only to be shattered by careless words
and a smile that hid strangled contempt
she wonders why he even began
but even moreso why he continued
the same could be said of her
and for that
she has no answer

catefrances

she sits and wonders
those she thought friends
where are they now?
what is it they think of
is it her?
her doubts rise mountain like
from the flat plain of her existence
is it her?
what?
is it what she expects,
is it too much?
not enough?
how does she gauge
her worth?
how does anyone?
she once thought she was worth so much time
that she now strangles on the excess left.
she cant be worth so little
that no one cares
cause she cares enough
for the whole world to lift her so high
she sees the coming dawn.
yet when she sits alone
with thoughts of herself
she sees nothing
hears no one
and realises yes,
those she thought cared at least something,
cared nothing for her
and its time she cant get back.

catefrances

catefrances

do you ever feel like killing yourself, he asked. her heart leapt into her throat, she could barely contain the smile forming on her lips. yes, she said without thought or reservation. do you want anything, he asked as they plled into the drive thru.  

catefrances

it had been nearly a year. the meds werent working. she still felt like shit. her drinking went from sober for weeks to digging out more bottles than she could carry out of the waste paper basket over days. so she stopped... the meds, not the booze. lets not get ridiculous here.  there was a month left on her script but she said no more. every time she stood up her head shot in all directions. if she was walking, which she did slow cause her head  liked it that way. any change in direction had her brain several paces behind. she looked at people but looked through them. they kinds just floatedstraight through her head like casper. her eyeballs welled up with tears and more than once she felt like punching the walls, shaving her head, walking out the door never to return, eating everything she could in the house. she felt like screaming and sometimes did, her face buried in the pillow. she spent days in bed curled under the doona, the black dog curled at her feet. he was her saviour, though he didnt know it. he just loved the extra attention. and she loved his presence. she blew off shifts and still couldnt understand where it all came from. she didnt shower for weeks and only washed her hair in a bucket when there was a need. there were nights when she didnt sleep, others when sleep came with the rising sun. thinking of reasons to leave the house grew scarce. shed make plans and when the day came, spend it in bed. everything she wanted to do turned into things she didnt do. a movie not seen. a walk not taken. an exhibition missed. a shopping trip put off. ill go next week she told herself. next week turned into this week then turned into last week. what did you do, hed ask. and shed say the usual. which they both knew meant nothing. he stopped asking. now hes gone. he never understood that she lived inside her mind... how crowded it was in there. and now he doesnt have to understand anything about her. she misses him sometimes. she misses the feel of his body next to hers. the sound of his breath. the way hed try to tell her he knew everything. she wants to miss him more but then she remembers his selfishness and how her desire to see him turned into not wanting to be with him when she was. she erased his phone number and  their message exchange so she wouldnt be tempted. shes mostly okay with that decision. she started a course last week that would help her find a job... to make her more desirable to prospective employers. the thought of that put her on edge of course. being desirable in any shape or form meant that she was seen. she didnt like to be seen. she came home from class yesterday and stood in the kitchen crying. what the fuck was that about? she cant tell you cause she doesnt know... it just happens. it all just happens and she remembers back to when he asked her does she ever feel like killng herself, and wishes she could... not just think about it.   

catefrances

she remembers her sister saying "you have to tell men what you want them to do. she thought well maybe shes right, afterall her sister has been married for  over 30 years. hmm clearly this has been her issue...maybe if she were stronger...  shes always allowed men to come to their own conclusions, to decide for themselves. surely they know what they want... if they dont theyd tell you, or at least let you know  somehow, right?  but what if they dont? what if  they dont know? what if they DO know but  for whatever reason arent capable? what if YOURE not capable of telling them what to do and assume thell do the right thing? thank you spike lee.  what if youre so fucking delusional that you expect men to come into a relationship as equals?  for them to respect you as you respect them?  is that the mistake shes been making? who the fuck knows cause surely she doesnt. with hindsight she can see shes never known.