*** Jokes of the Day!! ***

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  • catefrances
    catefrances Posts: 29,003
    things that last longer than kim kardashians marriage....














    .... the pause after dora the explorer asks a question.
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • chelsea48
    chelsea48 Posts: 594
    I said to my doctor,"i've badly bruised my penis in a surfing accident." He said "did you fall off your board?" I said,"No, i had to shut my lap top really quickly." :)
  • davidtrios
    davidtrios Posts: 9,732
    i heard kobe bryant is getting a divorce. however, it's not official until david stern approves it
  • PearlJamaholic
    PearlJamaholic Posts: 2,019
    only one i can think of right now so if this doesnt get me chanced outta town ill have more.

    Why are wedding dresses white?
    So the dishwasher matches the fridge and stove.
    http://db.etree.org/PearlJamaholic
  • pinkbutterfly
    pinkbutterfly Posts: 1,391
    An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

    The first passenger, Sarah Palin said, “I have my own reality show and I am the smartest woman in American history, so America’s people don’t want me to die.” She took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.

    The second passenger, John McCain, said, “I’m a Senator, and a decorated war hero from an elite Navy unit from the United States of America”. So he grabbed the second pack and jumped.

    The third passenger, Barack Obama said, “I am the President of the United States and I am the smartest ever in the history of our country, some even call me the ‘Anointed One.’ So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out.

    The fourth passenger, Billy Graham said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, “I have lived a full life and served my God the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.”

    The little girl said, “That’s okay Mr. Graham. There’s a parachute left for you.. America’s smartest President took my schoolbag.”
    My last message to you ~

    You're right. You are a monster! You are sick! Get help!

    At least, I am not a fuck-up! A lying fuck-up!
  • DS1119
    DS1119 Posts: 33,497
    pinkbutterfly wrote:
    An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

    The first passenger, Sarah Palin said, “I have my own reality show and I am the smartest woman in American history, so America’s people don’t want me to die.” She took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.

    The second passenger, John McCain, said, “I’m a Senator, and a decorated war hero from an elite Navy unit from the United States of America”. So he grabbed the second pack and jumped.

    The third passenger, Barack Obama said, “I am the President of the United States and I am the smartest ever in the history of our country, some even call me the ‘Anointed One.’ So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out.

    The fourth passenger, Billy Graham said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, “I have lived a full life and served my God the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.”

    The little girl said, “That’s okay Mr. Graham. There’s a parachute left for you.. America’s smartest President took my schoolbag.”

    :lol::lol::clap::clap: :thumbup: :thumbup:
  • eeriepadave
    eeriepadave West Chester, PA Posts: 43,265
    MY GOLDFISH DIED

    Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when the
    neighbour peered over the fence.

    Interested in what the youngster was up to, he
    asked in his friendliest voice "What are you up to,Nancy?"

    "My goldfish died,"replied Nancy tearfully,without looking up, "
    and I've just buried him."

    The neighbour commented,"That's an awfully big hole for a
    goldfish,isn't it?"

    Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied,
    "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."



    A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
    me! I have a killer puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started!"

    He asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

    The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

    He figures he should at least help her get started, so he drives over to
    help her with the puzzle.

    She lets him in and takes him into the kitchen where she has the puzzle
    spread all over the table.

    He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her
    and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we will never be able to assemble
    these pieces into anything that resembles a rooster!"

    He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice
    cup of tea, and then....." he said with a deep sigh....
    *
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    scroll
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    down
    *
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    Let's put the corn flakes back in the box!"
    8/28/98- Camden, NJ
    10/31/09- Philly
    5/21/10- NYC
    9/2/12- Philly, PA
    7/19/13- Wrigley
    10/19/13- Brooklyn, NY
    10/21/13- Philly, PA
    10/22/13- Philly, PA
    10/27/13- Baltimore, MD
    4/28/16- Philly, PA
    4/29/16- Philly, PA
    5/1/16- NYC
    5/2/16- NYC
    9/2/18- Boston, MA
    9/4/18- Boston, MA
    9/14/22- Camden, NJ
    9/7/24- Philly, PA
    9/9/24- Philly, PA
    Tres Mts.- 3/23/11- Philly. PA
    Eddie Vedder- 6/25/11- Philly, PA
    RNDM- 3/9/16- Philly, PA
  • Carey
    Carey Posts: 2,361
    My four year old nephew says:

    Why couldn't the 11 year old get into the pirate movie?

    Because it was rated ARRRGH...
    "Can't buy what I want because it's free..."
  • pjfan31
    pjfan31 Posts: 7,335
    chelsea48 wrote:
    I said to my doctor,"i've badly bruised my penis in a surfing accident." He said "did you fall off your board?" I said,"No, i had to shut my lap top really quickly." :)

    hahaha :lol:
    Sydney 11/02/2003
    Sydney 14/02/2003
    Sydney 07/11/2006
    Sydney 18/11/2006
    Sydney 22/11/2009
    EV Sydney 18/03/2011
    EV Sydney 19/03/2011
    EV Sydney 20/03/2011
    Melbourne 24/01/2014
    Sydney 26/01/2014
    EV Sydney 13/02/2014
  • pjfan31
    pjfan31 Posts: 7,335
    PearlJamaholic wrote:
    only one i can think of right now so if this doesnt get me chanced outta town ill have more.

    Why are wedding dresses white?
    So the dishwasher matches the fridge and stove.


    hahahh :lol::lol::lol::lol:

    more more
    Sydney 11/02/2003
    Sydney 14/02/2003
    Sydney 07/11/2006
    Sydney 18/11/2006
    Sydney 22/11/2009
    EV Sydney 18/03/2011
    EV Sydney 19/03/2011
    EV Sydney 20/03/2011
    Melbourne 24/01/2014
    Sydney 26/01/2014
    EV Sydney 13/02/2014
  • Carey
    Carey Posts: 2,361
    PearlJamaholic wrote:
    only one i can think of right now so if this doesnt get me chanced outta town ill have more.

    Why are wedding dresses white?
    So the dishwasher matches the fridge and stove.

    Heeeeeeeey fellas have you heard the news..........
    "Can't buy what I want because it's free..."
  • DS1119
    DS1119 Posts: 33,497
    Carey wrote:
    PearlJamaholic wrote:
    only one i can think of right now so if this doesnt get me chanced outta town ill have more.

    Why are wedding dresses white?
    So the dishwasher matches the fridge and stove.

    Heeeeeeeey fellas have you heard the news..........


    :lol:
  • Carey
    Carey Posts: 2,361
    My brother says,

    Two pretzels were walking down the street.

    One was a-salted...
    "Can't buy what I want because it's free..."
  • eeriepadave
    eeriepadave West Chester, PA Posts: 43,265
    A turtle got mugged by two snails.
    The policeman asked him to describe the incident.
    The turtle said, "I don't know. It all happened so fast!"

    Three Ladies in a Sauna

    THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

    SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

    THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

    A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM

    TO HER EAR.

    WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE..
    I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

    THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND

    WENT TO THE BATHROOM..

    SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

    THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

    THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID..........

    WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT.......

    I'M GETTING A FAX!!
    8/28/98- Camden, NJ
    10/31/09- Philly
    5/21/10- NYC
    9/2/12- Philly, PA
    7/19/13- Wrigley
    10/19/13- Brooklyn, NY
    10/21/13- Philly, PA
    10/22/13- Philly, PA
    10/27/13- Baltimore, MD
    4/28/16- Philly, PA
    4/29/16- Philly, PA
    5/1/16- NYC
    5/2/16- NYC
    9/2/18- Boston, MA
    9/4/18- Boston, MA
    9/14/22- Camden, NJ
    9/7/24- Philly, PA
    9/9/24- Philly, PA
    Tres Mts.- 3/23/11- Philly. PA
    Eddie Vedder- 6/25/11- Philly, PA
    RNDM- 3/9/16- Philly, PA
  • Carey
    Carey Posts: 2,361
    :lol: cute turtle joke :lol:
    "Can't buy what I want because it's free..."
  • dimitrispearljam
    dimitrispearljam Posts: 139,725
    Carey wrote:
    :lol: cute turtle joke :lol:
    someone must knocked her feet :lol:
    "...Dimitri...He talks to me...'.."The Ghost of Greece..".
    "..That's One Happy Fuckin Ghost.."
    “..That came up on the Pillow Case...This is for the Greek, With Our Apologies.....”
  • PearlJamaholic
    PearlJamaholic Posts: 2,019
    pjfan31 wrote:

    hahahh :lol::lol::lol::lol:

    more more

    im not gonna go too far with the women jokes cause i know some vile ones but these i think are ok enough.

    similar to the last one

    how do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?
    give her a shovel

    why arent women good at driving?
    cause there arent any roads between the kitchen and bedroom.

    what do you call the appliance you screw on the bed to get the house clean?
    a wife

    and now i will have a very hard time finding a date for the next 50-60 years haha.
    http://db.etree.org/PearlJamaholic
  • veddertown
    veddertown Scotland Posts: 5,260
    On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

    The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"

    "That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

    After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?" :D
    Like a book among the many on a shelf...

    Dublin 02 Arena - 22/6/10. Belfast Odyssey Arena - 23/6/10. London Hyde Park - 25/6/10. Berlin Wuhlheide - 30/6/10.
    Manchester MEN - 20/06/12. Manchester MEN - 21/06/12
  • DS1119
    DS1119 Posts: 33,497
    Q. Have you ever smelled moth balls?











    A. How did you get their little legs apart?
  • eeriepadave
    eeriepadave West Chester, PA Posts: 43,265
    person telling the joke: Do you like fish sticks?
    guy: yeah
    person telling the joke: Do you like putting fish sticks in your mouth?
    guy: yeah
    person telling joke: what are you a gay fish?

    sorry sounded better on South Park :? :lol:

    Subject: Body Statistics

    It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

    One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

    The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

    Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

    A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

    There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

    Women blink twice as often as men.

    The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

    Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing
    still.

    If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

    Women reading this will be finished now.


    Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.
    8/28/98- Camden, NJ
    10/31/09- Philly
    5/21/10- NYC
    9/2/12- Philly, PA
    7/19/13- Wrigley
    10/19/13- Brooklyn, NY
    10/21/13- Philly, PA
    10/22/13- Philly, PA
    10/27/13- Baltimore, MD
    4/28/16- Philly, PA
    4/29/16- Philly, PA
    5/1/16- NYC
    5/2/16- NYC
    9/2/18- Boston, MA
    9/4/18- Boston, MA
    9/14/22- Camden, NJ
    9/7/24- Philly, PA
    9/9/24- Philly, PA
    Tres Mts.- 3/23/11- Philly. PA
    Eddie Vedder- 6/25/11- Philly, PA
    RNDM- 3/9/16- Philly, PA

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