*** Jokes of the Day!! ***

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  • davidtrios
    davidtrios Posts: 9,732
    Kim Kardashian is upset with Casey Anthony verdict? Ur father defended O.J.! Starting the Kardashian tradition of getting black men off.- Bill Maher
  • davidtrios
    davidtrios Posts: 9,732
    A guy goes to grocery store and picks up some things.
    girl cashier scans: tv dinner, tv dinner, 6 pack of beer, chips, tv dinner, tv dinner, tv dinner.
    cashier says: you must be single.
    guy says: can you tell bc of the items im buying ?


    cashier says: no, its because you're fucking ugly
  • Lizard
    Lizard So Cal Posts: 12,091
    Davidtrios wrote:
    A guy goes to grocery store and picks up some things.
    girl cashier scans: tv dinner, tv dinner, 6 pack of beer, chips, tv dinner, tv dinner, tv dinner.
    cashier says: you must be single.
    guy says: can you tell bc of the items im buying ?


    cashier says: no, its because you're fucking ugly
    :lol::lol:

    Hi_Carmen.jpg
    So I'll just lie down and wait for the dream
    Where I'm not ugly and you're lookin' at me
  • The Waiting Trophy Man
    The Waiting Trophy Man Niagara region, Ontario, Canada Posts: 12,158
    What a woman says...

    This place is a mess! C'mon!
    You and I need to clean up!
    Your stuff is lying on the floor and
    You'll have no clothes to wear if we
    don't do laundry right now!

    What a man hears...

    blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
    YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
    blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
    blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
    blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
    Another habit says it's in love with you
    Another habit says its long overdue
    Another habit like an unwanted friend
    I'm so happy with my righteous self
  • davidtrios
    davidtrios Posts: 9,732
    "America has invented some of the bestst things in the world: McDonalds, gangster rap, spaghetti and swimming, but your country’s got problems too. There’s been nuff’ sadness since the terrible events of 7/11."
  • Dissidentman
    Dissidentman Posts: 15,378
    Knock knock joke for orphans:

    Knock Knock...

    Who's there?




    Not your parents.
  • Nothingman54
    Nothingman54 Posts: 2,251
    Dad and his 8 year old son walk by a condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?""Condoms.""Oh,why are there 3 in this package?"The Dad replies,"For high school boys, 1 for Friday, 1 for Saturday and 1 for Sunday" "Cool". He sees a 6 pk and asks, "Then who are these for?" "For college men,2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday." "Then who uses these?" he asks about a 12 pk.With a sigh, the Dad replied, "They are for married men,1 for January,1 for February, 1 for March.....
    I'll be back
  • Ms. Haiku
    Ms. Haiku Washington DC Posts: 7,377
    This has funny phrases in it

    http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/101281#ixzz1YmoCh5fy
    There is no such thing as leftover pizza. There is now pizza and later pizza. - anonymous
    The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
  • Eraserhead
    Eraserhead Stoke-on-Trent Posts: 2,981
    The barman said "We don't serve neutrinos in here."
    A Neutrino walks into a bar.
    Manchester 04.06.00, Leeds 25.08.06, Wembley 18.06.07, Dusseldorf 21.06.07, Shepherds Bush 11.08.09, Manchester 17.08.09, Adelaide 17.11.09, Melbourne 20.11.09, Sydney 22.11.09, Brisbane 25.11.09, MSG1 20.05.10, MSG2 21.05.10, Dublin 22.06.10, Belfast 23.06.10, London 25.06.10, Long Beach 06.07.11 (EV), Los Angeles 08.07.11 (EV), Toronto 11.09.11, Toronto 12.09.11, Ottawa 14.09.11, Hamilton 14.09.11, Manchester 20.06.12, Manchester 21.06.12, Amsterdam 26.06.2012, Amsterdam 27.06.2012, Berlin 04.07.12, Berlin 05.07.12, Stockholm 07.07.12, Oslo 09.07.12, Copenhagen 10.07.12, Manchester 28.07.12 (EV), Brooklyn 18.10.13, Brooklyn 19.10.13, Philly 21.10.13, Philly 22.10.13, San Diego 21.11.13, LA 23.11.13, LA 24.11.13, Oakland 26.11.13, Portland 29.11.13, Spokane 30.11.13, Calgary 02.12.13, Vancouver 04.12.13, Seattle 06.12.13, Trieste 22.06.14, Vienna 25.06.14, Berlin 26.06.14, Stockholm 28.06.14, Leeds 08.07.14, Philly 28.04.16, Philly 28.04.16, MSG1 01.05.16, MSG2 02.05.16
  • rollings
    rollings unknown Posts: 7,127
    .....

    Guy goes to the doctor.
    The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news, what do you want to hear first?"

    the guys says, "tell me the good news first"
    the doc says, "you have 24 hours to live"

    Shocked & Confused, the guy asks, "well then what's the bad news?"
    Doc says, "...I should have told you yesterday"
  • davidtrios
    davidtrios Posts: 9,732
    from conseverative uncle val:

    A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel our medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles and attach them into another man, and in just 6 weeks he is out looking for work."


    The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person and we put it into another person's head, and in just 4 weeks he is looking for work."


    A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person and we put it into another person's chest, and in just 2 weeks he is looking for work."


    The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA, (just about 2 years ago) we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States , and now....... the whole country is looking for work !!!!!!"
  • brother123
    brother123 Posts: 792
    The Boston Red Sox
    <a href="http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v44/brother123/?action=view&current=thewh0.png&quot; target="_blank"><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v44/brother123/thewh0.png&quot; border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>
  • Newch91
    Newch91 Posts: 17,560
    brother123 wrote:
    The Boston Red Sox
    :lol::lol::lol:
    Shows: 6.27.08 Hartford, CT/5.15.10 Hartford, CT/6.18.2011 Hartford, CT (EV Solo)/10.19.13 Brooklyn/10.25.13 Hartford
    "Becoming a Bruce fan is like hitting puberty as a musical fan. It's inevitable." - dcfaithful
  • davidtrios
    davidtrios Posts: 9,732
    first it was michelle bachman, then rick perry and now mitt romney...pretty soon , jesus christ will be the front runner...until republicans realize he wants to feed the hungry? sounds like welfare...heal all the sick? sounds too much like obamacare- bill maher
  • twisted thoughts
    twisted thoughts Posts: 4,377
    Davidtrios wrote:
    first it was michelle bachman, then rick perry and now mitt romney...pretty soon , jesus christ will be the front runner...until republicans realize he wants to feed the hungry? sounds like welfare...heal all the sick? sounds too much like obamacare- bill maher

    :lol:
    and dont forget, Jesus was a carpenter, so he's probably pro-union too
    Mansfield, MA - Jul 02, 2003; Mansfield, MA - Jul 03, 2003; Mansfield, MA - Jul 11, 2003; Boston, MA - Sep 29, 2004; Reading, PA - Oct 01, 2004; Hartford, CT - May 13, 2006; Boston, MA - May 24, 2006; Boston, MA - May 25, 2006; Hartford, CT - Jun 27, 2008; Mansfield, MA - Jun 28, 2008; Mansfield, MA - June 30, 2008; Hartford, CT - May 15, 2010; Boston, MA - May 17, 2010; [EV - Providence, RI - June 15, 2011; EV - Hartford, CT - June 18, 2011]; Worcester, MA - Oct. 15, 2013; Worcester, MA - Oct. 16, 2013; Hartford, CT - Oct. 25, 2013; Boston, MA -  August 5, 2016; Boston, MA - August 7, 2016...



  • davidtrios
    davidtrios Posts: 9,732
    twisted thoughts wrote:
    Davidtrios wrote:
    first it was michelle bachman, then rick perry and now mitt romney...pretty soon , jesus christ will be the front runner...until republicans realize he wants to feed the hungry? sounds like welfare...heal all the sick? sounds too much like obamacare- bill maher

    :lol:
    and dont forget, Jesus was a carpenter, so he's probably pro-union too


    haha that was great!
  • davidtrios
    davidtrios Posts: 9,732
    Health & Safety Test

    I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.

    One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

    "Fuckin' big ones!" was apparently the wrong answer.
  • g under p
    g under p Surfing The far side of THE Sombrero Galaxy Posts: 18,237
    I posted this somewhere before...I can relate I'm 95 :o


    Funny Old Timers sex joke?
    ' 'Old Timers Sex ' '

    This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

    The husband leans over and asks his wife,
    'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
    We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you. '

    'Yes ' , she says, ' I remember it well. '

    'OK, ' he says, ' How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time ' s sake? '

    'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea! '

    A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation

    And, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I ' ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
    I ' ll just keep an eye on them so there ' s no trouble.
    So he follows them.

    The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..
    Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..
    The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
    As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
    Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
    This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises
    And moaning and screaming.
    Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

    The policeman is amazed.
    He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn ' t know.

    After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,
    The old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.

    The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself,
    This is truly amazing, I ' ve got to ask them what their secret is.

    So, as the couple passes, he says to them,
    'Excuse me, but that was something else.
    You must ' ve had a fantastic sex life together.
    Is there some sort of secret to this? '

    Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

    'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence     :D

    Peace
    *We CAN bomb the World to pieces, but we CAN'T bomb it into PEACE*...Michael Franti

    *MUSIC IS the expression of EMOTION.....and that POLITICS IS merely the DECOY of PERCEPTION*
    .....song_Music & Politics....Michael Franti

    *The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite INSANE*....Nikola Tesla(a man who shaped our world of electricity with his futuristic inventions)


  • davidtrios
    davidtrios Posts: 9,732
    Men are naturally better cooks than women.
    Don't believe me? Consider this:
    With just 2 eggs, 1 sausage and a little bit of milk, a man can fill a woman's stomach for 9 months.
  • Lizard
    Lizard So Cal Posts: 12,091
    A guy is walking along the beach 1 day and finds a bottle with a genie in it. So the genie comes out and says he can grant 3 wishes BUT he is a different kind of genie and any wish he gets, his ex-wife gets double the same wish. So he thinks about and says yes, I will do it.

    Genie asks for1st wish: $10 million dollars. Fine...it’s yours and your ex gets $20 mill.
    Next wish: a huge beautiful house on the beach. Done. Your ex-wife gets 2 houses!.
    What is your last wish?? Scare me half to death!!!
    So I'll just lie down and wait for the dream
    Where I'm not ugly and you're lookin' at me

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