Did you get the memo?

number1PJfan · November 2010

Dear 3:00 a.m.
Why do you mock me? Why do you insist on getting older and older as I sit here and watch you waste away? Do you not realize I have things I must accomplish tomorrow and you are not helping any by not allowing me to rest? You are so cruel and unrelenting. Please loosen the stranglehold you have and allow me to give way to sleepy land.

Night-night, don't let the bed bugs bite.

me

Claireack · November 2010

Dear tiredness

Please go away. I have a lot to do and you keep telling me to lie on the sofa and watch TV. Mr Coffee isn't helping so I switched to caffeinated, which means I'm serious. I skipped breakfast so that I would have hunger to drive me on but still you're lurking around.

Quite simply, bugger off!

Yours sincerely

Woman in a dressing gown and slippers

number1PJfan · November 2010

Dear Woman in Dressing Gown and Slippers,

Please bring your tiredness to my house to have a sleep over with my 3:00 a.m. and maybe they could work out a little compromise. If you don't mind stop by a little earlier in the evening though, say 12:00 or so, and we will see what transpires.

Thanks,

Sleepless

Sprunkn7 · November 2010

Dear Diverticulitis,

Lets get something straight. I'm following all my food guidelines. Do you know how hard it is to eat 35-40 grams of fiber a day??? I drink enough water to drown a small pony and I'm not eating popcorn again for the rest of my life!
I'm slowing paying down the bill for my colonoscopy (thanks high deductible) during which I had some really wonderful pictures taken of you hiding around a couple of nooks and crannies deep in my left abdomen. Who knew a handful of pockets could be handed down genetically and cause so much havoc? Well, they say it is in my case because of my age. My doc said once it's found in someone "my age" it will come on with a vengeance and only get worse as I get older.

So , as long as we understand each other we should get along just fine. I'll do what I'm supposed to and you stay the hell away from me. I have the ammunition to fight if you decide to show up again. My cabinet is loaded up with pills that will kill you so I want to give you fair warning before you waste anymore of my time. If we stay on equal ground my diverticuli will live happily undisturbed in a nice fast moving fiber rich environment.

Thanks,
Spr
p.s please invest in Benefiber, apparently I will be buying lots of it!

iamica · November 2010

Dear everyone who drives a car,

Could you please remember to use a turn signal? It's not rocket science.

--A Frustrated Commuter

One Song Glory · November 2010

Dear essays,

Please write yourselves.

Sincerely,

A disgruntled MA student

81 · November 2010

iamica wrote:

Dear everyone who drives a car,

Could you please remember to use a turn signal? It's not rocket science.

--A Frustrated Commuter

Dear Frustrated Commuter,

Please refrain from tailgating me and stay out of my way.

your friendly non turn signal using pal,
81

pandora · November 2010

Dearest Pete,
You always smelled so good,
made me laugh....made me smile.
Perfectly particular, kind and generous.
Good to my ladies, forgiving with the boy.
Peacemaker,
toast giver,
sing a song for us....again.
Rest in peace Sir,
You are loved and missed.
Tink

number1PJfan · December 2010

Dearest sweet kitty Gremmie,

Allow me to introduce you to the Christmas tree. Yes, it is a tree. Yes, it is in the house. No, you are not allowed to climb it. STAY AWAY!

P.S. The little baubles that hang from it are not a mother load of new toys for you either, they are called decorations. Say it with me...dec-or-a-tions. And the moat of water at the base is not a fancy new drinking dish. If I should find you can not resist the temptation any further, I shall spike the water with something interesting as it is hard enough for me to climb up under there to keep a supply of water for the tree. Be advised, sweet little kitty...I am watching.

Your loving Mommy

whispering hands · December 2010

dear Parents,

It's about fucking time you come out to visit us!! Please remember when you go back to your safe little hotel room, 20 minutes away from us, that I will be smoking hella pot and drinking massive quntities of beer. But I will remain completely sober during the hours we spend with you. I hope you enjoy the beauty that is Kansas City, and we are SOOOOO happy that you are coming out finally! I believe you will enjoy every hour of historic gorgeouness that is our city.. You may have raised us in California, but you taught us to appreciate beauty where ever we find it. Dad, I appreciate all you have done for me, all the time and effort you put into saving us from the hell that was our Mother, and for marrying our step mom, who was by far better than your first wife. You may think you have failed us, since we turned out to be major pot-heads, but in all reality.. Imagine how we would have turned out if not for you?? Anyhow so glad you're finally coming out to see us!!
Your Daughter, and unlike my Mother you two are allowed to call me daughter.

Jo · December 2010

Dear Valued Customer,
Due to your lack of correspondence with our office, you are in a deep pile of finiancial poo.
If you are having difficulties in meeting your re-payments please contact us at your earliest convienience.
** Please note: We do NOT accept TOURRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! as an official excuse.

Signed The Grinch.

pandora · December 2010

Dear Christmas Lights manufacturers,

Whats with the lack of love for green lights?
I was never able to find chasing solid green lights these past years and
now I can't find the solid green LED lights.

Green is awesome...peaceful, pretty, serene, and like red the it's other Christmas color.

Please work on this for next year.

Sincerely,
I choose Blue this year

Jo · December 2010

pandora wrote:

Dear Christmas Lights manufacturers,

Whats with the lack of love for green lights?
I was never able to find chasing solid green lights these past years and
now I can't find the solid green LED lights.

Green is awesome...peaceful, pretty, serene, and like red the it's other Christmas color.

Please work on this for next year.

Sincerely,
I choose Blue this year

Hey! get some heat resistant glass paint and you'll be sweet.

Jo · December 2010

To Whom it may concern,

Due to unforseen circumstances Christmas is just around the corner. We would like to inform you that there may be a delay in sanity returning, especialy during AND after the 'family' cellabrations.

regards
Invoices

81 · December 2010

Dear Idiot drivers,

Please take two minutes before you leave home and remove the snow from your car's hood, roof and trunk. Snow on the hood has a tendacy to blow up onto the windshield and cause visibility issues when driving along. A snow scraper isn't that expensive and it doesn't take but a minute or two to remove.

Also, when you have frost on your windows, please take a minute to scrape it off so that you can see where you are going, out your side windows and rear. Visibility in all directions is sort of important when driving and changing lanes.

If you can't handle these two little things, please stay home.

your pal
fellow motorist

Green Circle · December 2010

To the powers that be,

Can you please let me win the lottery just once? It doesn't have to be a massive amount..5,000? maybe even 10,000? I would like, at least for one year, to buy my wife a nice present.

I would appreciate it...someone send a sign to let me know which one to play as well.

thanks,

T. aka boo boo

nuffingman · December 2010

Dear concert goers

Please remember that others have paid to see the band you are seeing as well. Some may have travelled long distances and paid for hotels as well as the tickets. What I'm trying to say politely is stop talking and shouting during every song and shut the fuck up!

justam · December 2010

Dear unwashed student,

Please be aware that your filthy shirt, dirty hands, and smelly breath have been dully noted. You may not realize it, but I was much less willing to let you re-play your song today because I was having a hard time standing next to you without getting ill.

Maybe you think your grooming habits aren't important? Maybe you think it shouldn't matter that you come in reeking of old smoke and body-odor? Don't you realize that it causes me to assume that your practice habits were equally sloppy and careless?

To clarify, let me tell you now, they DID make me less comfortable through-out my entire interaction with you today and that most likely had an adverse effect on my patience.

Sincerely,
Your usually cheerful teacher

florence151 · December 2010

Dear American Military Personnel,

Thanks! Looking forward to the day when you are back here safe.

J

chadwick · December 2010

justam wrote:

Dear unwashed student,

Please be aware that your filthy shirt, dirty hands, and smelly breath have been dully noted. You may not realize it, but I was much less willing to let you re-play your song today because I was having a hard time standing next to you without getting ill.

Maybe you think your grooming habits aren't important? Maybe you think it shouldn't matter that you come in reeking of old smoke and body-odor? Don't you realize that it causes me to assume that your practice habits were equally sloppy and careless?

To clarify, let me tell you now, they DID make me less comfortable through-out my entire interaction with you today and that most likely had an adverse effect on my patience.

Sincerely,
Your usually cheerful teacher

Dear cranky piano teacher,

assuming that your piano playing student has sloppy and careless practice habits because he or she is a slob is absurd. do you actually believe the piano & harpsicord masters were always well bathed & groomed? i would think Beethoven had better more important things to do than worry about his personal hygiene.

although i agree, i do not like the smell of body odor.

justam... you are out of order
now go to your room

one more thing... during my college time i did workstudy @ the school's trout/salmon hatchery
everyday i worked and showed up for class stinking like fish, wearing fish slime, and loving it.
i would be devastated if i bothered anyone :twisted:

Smiles,
Smelly ass bastard trying to learn something

Did you get the memo?

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