Nagging Wife, Anyone?

saveuplife · July 2008

harmless_little_f*** wrote:

Honestly, while you're sitting going 'When I get done work what I want to do is come home have a beer, play guitar, watch TV and veg', she's probably thinking 'When I get done work what I want to do is tell someone about my day who gives a fuck.'

Just out of interest, does she go out to work, or work at home with kids and slave away doing housework and making your dinner?

We don't have kids. She works and I work.

I prefer to relax for about 1 hour before cooking. She likes to rush into it. We split the job of housework including cooking.

I prefer to relax for about an hour when I get home, that's all. That was why I made the comment about beer ect.

I do give a F about what she is saying, dude. You don't know me, so chill. I love my wife and I'm trying to figure things out in an anonomous manner. That's why I posted this.

But, anyway, you're probably right; I should just listen. My point is, how am I different from a wall if I just listen and offer nothing back in the form of communication? Isn't communication a two-way street? So, when I'm presented with a problem from someone I love, should I not try to help her solve it?

Brain of J.Lo · July 2008

I feel really lucky that my husband is at least as verbose as I am.

Rygar · July 2008

eyedclaar wrote:

Hell, I love my wife to death and she talks way tooooo much all the time about everything. However, she knows this and is willing to poke fun at herself. I can't be expected to pay attention to everything or it would be another full time job and one I didn't get paid for. I don't mind that she talks as long as she doesn't mind that I really only listen to the stuff that pertains to me or us somehow.

Disclaimer - I am a prick; don't be like me unless you have a wife who understands.

Congratulations, you've just described the average male in a relationship!
I would bake you a cake, but I don't want your wife to get lazy in the kitchen.

anotherclone · July 2008

Brain of J.Lo wrote:

You're offering solutions, but to her it probably sounds like you're trying to get her off your back. (From the tone of this post, it's hard to tell if that's true or not.) She needs to vent...much like we all do, sometimes.

If you feel like it's too much to deal with as soon as you get home from work, then maybe tell her that you want to provide an ear (or a shoulder), but that it is stressful for you to be greeted with that directly after the workday is over. Maybe she could talk about it another time after you've decompressed? Or you could find an activity to do together each day that would help you both unwind?

great answer.

as with most things, including relationships, it is the art of communication and negotiation (for lack of a better word).

Otherwise saveuplife, you do sound an eensy-weensy bit selfish. Honestly, I mean no offense, I'm just not sure how to word that any other way. Nothing wrong with that, but when you're married, you really have to consider the other person. That's kind of "Marriage 101".

norm · July 2008

Brain of J.Lo wrote:

Maybe she could talk about it another time after you've decompressed?

exactly.....:)

eyedclaar · July 2008

CityMouse wrote:

honestly, I think that's the really the case (although I don't understand why you wouldn't just have sex then and not bother getting to know people)

because it seems like men really, truly hate us.

Not true. We just don't subject you to every painful mundane detail of our day and would appeciate the same in return.

I'm mostly kidding. I really do try to listen to my wife if the subject seems important to her. However, I often times space out and I really don't even mean to.

eyedclaar · July 2008

Rygar wrote:

Congratulations, you've just described the average male in a relationship!
I would bake you a cake, but I don't want your wife to get lazy in the kitchen.

Hahaha

Stone Is God · July 2008

saveuplife wrote:

But, anyway, you're probably right; I should just listen. My point is, how am I different from a wall if I just listen and offer nothing back in the form of communication? Isn't communication a two-way street? So, when I'm presented with a problem from someone I love, should I not try to help her solve it?

Women don't want that, they just want you to listen. That's where I get pissed and frustrated sometimes because I'm a problem solver. You just have to let her complain and offer support.

You should also tell her how you feel about when you get home and what you want to do.

That's relationship communication.

anotherclone · July 2008

eyedclaar wrote:

Not true. We just don't subject you to every painful mundane detail of our day and would appeciate the same in return.

I'm mostly kidding. I really do try to listen to my wife if the subject seems important to her. However, I often times space out and I really don't even mean to.

my husband actually closed his eyes once when I was talking to him. I was looking right at him and he was looking right at me and he closed his friggin eyes like he was falling asleep. that was the point I realized I was droning on, and on, and on. I couldn't get too mad at him about that. We still laugh about that to this day.

comebackwoman · July 2008

JaneNY wrote:

I'm guessing you need a few minutes to chill once you get home, or at least away from your job. It seems like a difference in personality basically. The funny part is it sounds like my husband is like your wife, and I might be like you. I think it depends on personality, and also what type of job you have. My work involves me being very up and cheerful, to lift people up, regardless of how I feel inside. I like it most of the time, but when I'm done I can feel very drained, and the last thing I want to do when I get home is talk more. I just want to sit quietly in front of the computer or something and not have to interact with anyone for a while. My husband is a people person, as is one of my daughters. They both LOVE to talk, and love people. He doesn't seem to need much alone time and they both thrive being around others. Why don't you try to talk with your wife about both your needs - maybe you can work it out so you can get a little downtime when you walk in, and then at dinner really try to listen about her day.

I think this is very true - some people get their energy from being around other people, and some people re-energize by spending time alone. I love working with people...but I HAVE to have my alone time or I get crazy irritable. I do not want to have to start talking the minute I get home from work - nothing drives me crazier! It sound like the OP needs alone time too...so I think your point is well made. Maybe working out a compromise where he gets time to decompress for an hour or so after work and then she can have her talk time for a while.

eyedclaar · July 2008

anotherclone wrote:

my husband actually closed his eyes once when I was talking to him. I was looking right at him and he was looking right at me and he closed his friggin eyes like he was falling asleep. that was the point I realized I was droning on, and on, and on. I couldn't get too mad at him about that. We still laugh about that to this day.

The wise man picks those moments carefully. Glad you could laugh about it.

justam · July 2008

saveuplife wrote:

Hi everyone,

This post is not meant to be offensive to the ladies. I just have a communication problem with my wife and wanted to see if anyone else has found a way to deal with it.

When I get done work what I want to do is come home have a beer, play guitar, watch TV and veg. I def don't want to sit there and argue.

My wife, on the other hand, wants to chat about her day or about upcoming plans. I normally try to oblidge but it gets me tense because she typically talks about bad things (or what I deam to be problems at work) or problem situations about future events and planning.

I deal with things like men do... I try to solve her problems when she presents them to me. So, typically I try to give her solutions to her problems. She'll typically shrug them off, saying how she just wants to talk. Why do women raise problems if they don't want solutions? I guess that question is for another time.

The truth is I understand she wants to talk. But, I don't want to talk as I said in the beginning. I feel bad that I can't do everything she wants. When I say I don't want to talk, she gets offended. When I do talk, she gets offended because I try to help her and that's not what she wants. UGH!

Anyone EVER find a way to deal with something like this? And please don't say zone her out, cause I tried and that just gets me yelled at.

Tell her you need 30 minutes (or however long seems reasonable to you) to relax quietly by yourself when you get home. After that, you can talk for a while. She obviously needs your attention to feel happy and you need some time alone to feel happy. If you agree on an arrangement that allows you both to get what you want, you might get along better.

Stone Is God · July 2008

anotherclone wrote:

my husband actually closed his eyes once when I was talking to him. I was looking right at him and he was looking right at me and he closed his friggin eyes like he was falling asleep. that was the point I realized I was droning on, and on, and on. I couldn't get too mad at him about that. We still laugh about that to this day.

That's great. I like to let my girl vent for like 5 minutes and then go, "What did you say?". That's the mark of a great relationship when you can laugh at those things.

Phantom Pain · July 2008

I pick my spots on when to not pay attention

If its a very important thing we're talking about obviously I listen

Her schedule changes a lot.....I'll forget when she's not home when I get home and I get "I told you yesterday I was working late!"

I think we all zone out from time to time while the other is talking

saveuplife · July 2008

justam wrote:

Tell her you need 30 minutes (or however long seems reasonable to you) to relax quietly by yourself when you get home. After that, you can talk for a while. She obviously needs your attention to feel happy and you need some time alone to feel happy. If you agree on an arrangement that allows you both to get what you want, you might get along better.

See, that's the thing. I kinda hinted at this in the original post. I did this. She doesn't like it and gets mad at me because she feels offended by it. Bottom line, when I've asked for about a 30 minute veg-time... It makes her feel bad.

That was kinda the point of the post. I'm in a lose-lose situation and I can't figure it out.

The truth is, I should probably just fold, let her go into her discussions on work ect. and just listen. They are probably right; I'm selfish for wanting to veg for a bit when I get in. But, I can't deny that it is what I want.

Rygar · July 2008

saveuplife wrote:

See, that's the thing. I kinda hinted at this in the original post. I did this. She doesn't like it and gets mad at me because she feels offended by it. Bottom line, when I've asked for about a 30 minute veg-time... It makes her feel bad.

That was kinda the point of the post. I'm in a lose-lose situation and I can't figure it out.

The truth is, I should probably just fold, let her go into her discussions on work ect. and just listen. They are probably right; I'm selfish for wanting to veg for a bit when I get in. But, I can't deny that it is what I want.

Come home 30 minutes later

ajedigecko · July 2008

anotherclone wrote:

my husband actually closed his eyes once when I was talking to him. I was looking right at him and he was looking right at me and he closed his friggin eyes like he was falling asleep. that was the point I realized I was droning on, and on, and on. I couldn't get too mad at him about that. We still laugh about that to this day.

and for the above reason, you will be married many years. sense of humour, the most important aspect to a healthy marriage.

Phantom Pain · July 2008

Rygar wrote:

Come home 30 minutes later

There ya go

Hit the bar after work....cigar and a beer then come home

Rygar · July 2008

Phantom Pain wrote:

There ya go

Hit the bar after work....cigar and a beer then come home

That'll work for a few weeks before the discussion goes from everyday nagging to 'who is she' type nagging

eyedclaar · July 2008

Phantom Pain wrote:

There ya go

Hit the bar after work....cigar and a beer then come home

Or the strip club. They like it when you come home with glitter on the bridge of your nose.

Nagging Wife, Anyone?

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