my husband actually closed his eyes once when I was talking to him. I was looking right at him and he was looking right at me and he closed his friggin eyes like he was falling asleep. that was the point I realized I was droning on, and on, and on. I couldn't get too mad at him about that. We still laugh about that to this day.
The wise man picks those moments carefully. Glad you could laugh about it.
Idaho's Premier Outdoor Writer
Please Support My Writing Habit By Purchasing A Book:
This post is not meant to be offensive to the ladies. I just have a communication problem with my wife and wanted to see if anyone else has found a way to deal with it.
When I get done work what I want to do is come home have a beer, play guitar, watch TV and veg. I def don't want to sit there and argue.
My wife, on the other hand, wants to chat about her day or about upcoming plans. I normally try to oblidge but it gets me tense because she typically talks about bad things (or what I deam to be problems at work) or problem situations about future events and planning.
I deal with things like men do... I try to solve her problems when she presents them to me. So, typically I try to give her solutions to her problems. She'll typically shrug them off, saying how she just wants to talk. Why do women raise problems if they don't want solutions? I guess that question is for another time.
The truth is I understand she wants to talk. But, I don't want to talk as I said in the beginning. I feel bad that I can't do everything she wants. When I say I don't want to talk, she gets offended. When I do talk, she gets offended because I try to help her and that's not what she wants. UGH!
Anyone EVER find a way to deal with something like this? And please don't say zone her out, cause I tried and that just gets me yelled at.
Tell her you need 30 minutes (or however long seems reasonable to you) to relax quietly by yourself when you get home. After that, you can talk for a while. She obviously needs your attention to feel happy and you need some time alone to feel happy. If you agree on an arrangement that allows you both to get what you want, you might get along better.
my husband actually closed his eyes once when I was talking to him. I was looking right at him and he was looking right at me and he closed his friggin eyes like he was falling asleep. that was the point I realized I was droning on, and on, and on. I couldn't get too mad at him about that. We still laugh about that to this day.
That's great. I like to let my girl vent for like 5 minutes and then go, "What did you say?". That's the mark of a great relationship when you can laugh at those things.
Tell her you need 30 minutes (or however long seems reasonable to you) to relax quietly by yourself when you get home. After that, you can talk for a while. She obviously needs your attention to feel happy and you need some time alone to feel happy. If you agree on an arrangement that allows you both to get what you want, you might get along better.
See, that's the thing. I kinda hinted at this in the original post. I did this. She doesn't like it and gets mad at me because she feels offended by it. Bottom line, when I've asked for about a 30 minute veg-time... It makes her feel bad.
That was kinda the point of the post. I'm in a lose-lose situation and I can't figure it out.
The truth is, I should probably just fold, let her go into her discussions on work ect. and just listen. They are probably right; I'm selfish for wanting to veg for a bit when I get in. But, I can't deny that it is what I want.
See, that's the thing. I kinda hinted at this in the original post. I did this. She doesn't like it and gets mad at me because she feels offended by it. Bottom line, when I've asked for about a 30 minute veg-time... It makes her feel bad.
That was kinda the point of the post. I'm in a lose-lose situation and I can't figure it out.
The truth is, I should probably just fold, let her go into her discussions on work ect. and just listen. They are probably right; I'm selfish for wanting to veg for a bit when I get in. But, I can't deny that it is what I want.
my husband actually closed his eyes once when I was talking to him. I was looking right at him and he was looking right at me and he closed his friggin eyes like he was falling asleep. that was the point I realized I was droning on, and on, and on. I couldn't get too mad at him about that. We still laugh about that to this day.
and for the above reason, you will be married many years. sense of humour, the most important aspect to a healthy marriage.
live and let live...unless it violates the pearligious doctrine.
I prefer to relax for about 1 hour before cooking. She likes to rush into it. We split the job of housework including cooking.
I prefer to relax for about an hour when I get home, that's all. That was why I made the comment about beer ect.
I do give a F about what she is saying, dude. You don't know me, so chill. I love my wife and I'm trying to figure things out in an anonomous manner. That's why I posted this.
But, anyway, you're probably right; I should just listen. My point is, how am I different from a wall if I just listen and offer nothing back in the form of communication? Isn't communication a two-way street? So, when I'm presented with a problem from someone I love, should I not try to help her solve it?
The 'sexist moron' stuff was just exaggeration. I don't know you either so I was half-kidding. Sorry anyway.
I realise you have an issue but the solution is simple.
She doesn't need solutions; chances are she wants to be trusted to figure out her own solutions, and your constant offering of solutions just sounds like a lack of belief in her ability to do that.
She doesn't need your solutions - she's busy figuring them out by herself, trust me - but she does need to know she's got your love and support and that you're a sensitive ear she can go to when she feels down or stressed. I know this because I think like this and I'm a man. That said, MOST men don't understand it. You don't have to, you just have to know that listening is enough.
Edit: by doing this, you are different from a wall because a wall doesn't give a shit what your wife says to it. And a wall doesn't love your wife.
'We're learning songs for baby Jesus' birthday. His mum and dad were Merry and Joseph. He had a bed made of clay and the three kings bought him Gold, Frankenstein and Merv as presents.'
I prefer to relax for about 1 hour before cooking. She likes to rush into it. We split the job of housework including cooking.
I prefer to relax for about an hour when I get home, that's all. That was why I made the comment about beer ect.
I do give a F about what she is saying, dude. You don't know me, so chill. I love my wife and I'm trying to figure things out in an anonomous manner. That's why I posted this.
But, anyway, you're probably right; I should just listen. My point is, how am I different from a wall if I just listen and offer nothing back in the form of communication? Isn't communication a two-way street? So, when I'm presented with a problem from someone I love, should I not try to help her solve it?
how did you not know all this before you got married? was it an arranged marriage?
The 'sexist moron' stuff was just exaggeration. I don't know you either so I was half-kidding. Sorry anyway.
I realise you have an issue but the solution is simple.
She doesn't need solutions; chances are she wants to be trusted to figure out her own solutions, and your constant offering of solutions just sounds like a lack of belief in her ability to do that.
She doesn't need your solutions - she's busy figuring them out by herself, trust me - but she does need to know she's got your love and support and that you're a sensitive ear she can go to when she feels down or stressed. I know this because I think like this and I'm a man. That said, MOST men don't understand it. You don't have to, you just have to know that listening is enough.
I hate when men I'm dating try to give me solutions to everything. it reminds me of my dad! it's true, your wife can figure out her own solutions. Why would you be with someone who you don't see as your equal?
Tell her what you need. She is not a mind reader...and you also give her what she needs. Marriage is NOT easy in the early years, but you both have to learn the art of give and take. I'm married for 26 years now...hubby rides and races motocross, loves to eat sleep and drink it....I do everything in my power to make sure he gets out there...life is ticking away, no time for regrets. I love to bird, hike and now am getting into SchH training with my dog....he supports me 100% with all my interests too.
Good luck....it is really hard to have a good marrige, but well worth all the work!
oxc
~*LIVE~LOVE~LAUGH*~
*May the Peace of the Wilderness be with YOU*
He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
— Unknown
I hate when men I'm dating try to give me solutions to everything. it reminds me of my dad! it's true, your wife can figure out her own solutions. Why would you be with someone who you don't see as your equal?
Do you complain about things to these men? If so it is only natural that they give you a proposed solution.
See, that's the thing. I kinda hinted at this in the original post. I did this. She doesn't like it and gets mad at me because she feels offended by it. Bottom line, when I've asked for about a 30 minute veg-time... It makes her feel bad.
That was kinda the point of the post. I'm in a lose-lose situation and I can't figure it out.
The truth is, I should probably just fold, let her go into her discussions on work ect. and just listen. They are probably right; I'm selfish for wanting to veg for a bit when I get in. But, I can't deny that it is what I want.
I don't think it's selfish. I always allow my husband alone time when he needs it. I think you're entitled to it.
I think it's unreasonable that she's not willing to compromise on this. You each have something you need. You're willing to give, she should be fair and acknowledge what you need too.
Resentment builds when one person gives and the other does not.
how did you not know all this before you got married? was it an arranged marriage?
I did know this. No, it wasn't an arranged marriage.
Simply put, it was less stressful back then. Honestly, we would BOTH go out for drinks after work sometimes. Other times we'd head back to each other's place after veg'ing for a bit at our individual places. Also, our commutes were much longer back then.
Now we are "saving" for a house and she doens't like to do that anymore. Our commutes are shorter and now, obviously, we live together.
Things have changed. But, I still love her. I'm just trying to adjust. I had no idea the adjustment would be this difficult. That's all. I'm trying.
I don't think it's selfish. I always allow my husband alone time when he needs it. I think you're entitled to it.
I think it's unreasonable that she's not willing to compromise on this. You each have something you need. You're willing to give, she should be fair and acknowledge what you need too.
Resentment builds when one person gives and the other does not.
It's true. And some men start to feel like their wife's emotional punching bag when all she does is unload all of her frustrations the second she sees her husband.
Idaho's Premier Outdoor Writer
Please Support My Writing Habit By Purchasing A Book:
Do you complain about things to these men? If so it is only natural that they give you a proposed solution.
I'm not a complainer, but everyone complains about something from time to time, problems at work or whatever. not every problem has a solution. not everything that simply annoys you has a solution. sometimes an issue is just something that's bothering you so you confide in another person, but maybe you don't really want or *need* to *do* anything about it. Like say someone at work is annoying you- maybe it's a big enough deal for you to finally complain about it, but it's not a big enough deal to confront this person or whatever.
Do you complain about things to these men? If so it is only natural that they give you a proposed solution.
It is also 'only natural' that I eat eight cheeseburgers in a row when they're available, but I refrain.
MEN... here's a question.
Do you like it when women offer you a bunch of solutions for every problem you have, or do they start to sound like your mother?
'We're learning songs for baby Jesus' birthday. His mum and dad were Merry and Joseph. He had a bed made of clay and the three kings bought him Gold, Frankenstein and Merv as presents.'
I did know this. No, it wasn't an arranged marriage.
Simply put, it was less stressful back then. Honestly, we would BOTH go out for drinks after work sometimes. Other times we'd head back to each other's place after veg'ing for a bit at our individual places. Also, our commutes were much longer back then.
Now we are "saving" for a house and she doens't like to do that anymore. Our commutes are shorter and now, obviously, we live together.
Things have changed. But, I still love her. I'm just trying to adjust. I had no idea the adjustment would be this difficult. That's all. I'm trying.
Ok, but here's a little tip: if you really "love" your wife as you say you do, don't call her "nagging." that is an insult, and one often reserved for women.
'We're learning songs for baby Jesus' birthday. His mum and dad were Merry and Joseph. He had a bed made of clay and the three kings bought him Gold, Frankenstein and Merv as presents.'
I'm not a complainer, but everyone complains about something from time to time, problems at work or whatever. not every problem has a solution. not everything that simply annoys you has a solution. sometimes an issue is just something that's bothering you so you confide in another person, but maybe you don't really want or *need* to *do* anything about it. Like say someone at work is annoying you- maybe it's a big enough deal for you to finally complain about it, but it's not a big enough deal to confront this person or whatever.
No argument here, but the complaint/gripe/whatever often comes across as such, no need to shoot the guy for suggesting something (unless he's made aware of it and still suggests things).
It is also 'only natural' that I eat eight cheeseburgers in a row when they're available, but I refrain.
MEN... here's a question.
Do you like it when women offer you a bunch of solutions for every problem you have, or do they start to sound like your mother?
Personally, I don't vent or bitch about daily work/life frustrations. I'm a big boy and I can deal with those things all by myself. If there is something really bothering me then yes, I will talk to my wife and yes, I will appreciate whatever advice she has to offer. Those sitations are rare though...
Idaho's Premier Outdoor Writer
Please Support My Writing Habit By Purchasing A Book:
Comments
The wise man picks those moments carefully. Glad you could laugh about it.
Please Support My Writing Habit By Purchasing A Book:
https://www.createspace.com/3437020
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000663025696
http://earthtremors.blogspot.com/
Tell her you need 30 minutes (or however long seems reasonable to you) to relax quietly by yourself when you get home. After that, you can talk for a while. She obviously needs your attention to feel happy and you need some time alone to feel happy. If you agree on an arrangement that allows you both to get what you want, you might get along better.
That's great. I like to let my girl vent for like 5 minutes and then go, "What did you say?". That's the mark of a great relationship when you can laugh at those things.
If its a very important thing we're talking about obviously I listen
Her schedule changes a lot.....I'll forget when she's not home when I get home and I get "I told you yesterday I was working late!"
I think we all zone out from time to time while the other is talking
The ONLY thing better than a glass of beer is tea with Miss McGill
A protuberance of flesh above the waistband of a tight pair of trousers
See, that's the thing. I kinda hinted at this in the original post. I did this. She doesn't like it and gets mad at me because she feels offended by it. Bottom line, when I've asked for about a 30 minute veg-time... It makes her feel bad.
That was kinda the point of the post. I'm in a lose-lose situation and I can't figure it out.
The truth is, I should probably just fold, let her go into her discussions on work ect. and just listen. They are probably right; I'm selfish for wanting to veg for a bit when I get in. But, I can't deny that it is what I want.
There ya go
Hit the bar after work....cigar and a beer then come home
The ONLY thing better than a glass of beer is tea with Miss McGill
A protuberance of flesh above the waistband of a tight pair of trousers
Or the strip club. They like it when you come home with glitter on the bridge of your nose.
Please Support My Writing Habit By Purchasing A Book:
https://www.createspace.com/3437020
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000663025696
http://earthtremors.blogspot.com/
That will get the communication flowing........between lawyers that is.
The 'sexist moron' stuff was just exaggeration. I don't know you either so I was half-kidding. Sorry anyway.
I realise you have an issue but the solution is simple.
She doesn't need solutions; chances are she wants to be trusted to figure out her own solutions, and your constant offering of solutions just sounds like a lack of belief in her ability to do that.
She doesn't need your solutions - she's busy figuring them out by herself, trust me - but she does need to know she's got your love and support and that you're a sensitive ear she can go to when she feels down or stressed. I know this because I think like this and I'm a man. That said, MOST men don't understand it. You don't have to, you just have to know that listening is enough.
Edit: by doing this, you are different from a wall because a wall doesn't give a shit what your wife says to it. And a wall doesn't love your wife.
- the great Sir Leo Harrison
how did you not know all this before you got married? was it an arranged marriage?
That's why I send in our cat...
just kidding.
I hate when men I'm dating try to give me solutions to everything. it reminds me of my dad! it's true, your wife can figure out her own solutions. Why would you be with someone who you don't see as your equal?
Well, I'm certainly not as sickly as he was and he was slightly faster on the draw than I am, but otherwise... I'll take it.
Please Support My Writing Habit By Purchasing A Book:
https://www.createspace.com/3437020
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000663025696
http://earthtremors.blogspot.com/
Good luck....it is really hard to have a good marrige, but well worth all the work!
oxc
*May the Peace of the Wilderness be with YOU*
He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
— Unknown
I don't think it's selfish. I always allow my husband alone time when he needs it. I think you're entitled to it.
I think it's unreasonable that she's not willing to compromise on this. You each have something you need. You're willing to give, she should be fair and acknowledge what you need too.
Resentment builds when one person gives and the other does not.
I did know this. No, it wasn't an arranged marriage.
Simply put, it was less stressful back then. Honestly, we would BOTH go out for drinks after work sometimes. Other times we'd head back to each other's place after veg'ing for a bit at our individual places. Also, our commutes were much longer back then.
Now we are "saving" for a house and she doens't like to do that anymore. Our commutes are shorter and now, obviously, we live together.
Things have changed. But, I still love her. I'm just trying to adjust. I had no idea the adjustment would be this difficult. That's all. I'm trying.
It's true. And some men start to feel like their wife's emotional punching bag when all she does is unload all of her frustrations the second she sees her husband.
Please Support My Writing Habit By Purchasing A Book:
https://www.createspace.com/3437020
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000663025696
http://earthtremors.blogspot.com/
I'm not a complainer, but everyone complains about something from time to time, problems at work or whatever. not every problem has a solution. not everything that simply annoys you has a solution. sometimes an issue is just something that's bothering you so you confide in another person, but maybe you don't really want or *need* to *do* anything about it. Like say someone at work is annoying you- maybe it's a big enough deal for you to finally complain about it, but it's not a big enough deal to confront this person or whatever.
It is also 'only natural' that I eat eight cheeseburgers in a row when they're available, but I refrain.
MEN... here's a question.
Do you like it when women offer you a bunch of solutions for every problem you have, or do they start to sound like your mother?
- the great Sir Leo Harrison
Ok, but here's a little tip: if you really "love" your wife as you say you do, don't call her "nagging." that is an insult, and one often reserved for women.
LOL
That would be an interesting turn of events.
- the great Sir Leo Harrison
How can a man know a woman just wants him to sit there and don't say anything if she doesn't tell him?
No argument here, but the complaint/gripe/whatever often comes across as such, no need to shoot the guy for suggesting something (unless he's made aware of it and still suggests things).
Personally, I don't vent or bitch about daily work/life frustrations. I'm a big boy and I can deal with those things all by myself. If there is something really bothering me then yes, I will talk to my wife and yes, I will appreciate whatever advice she has to offer. Those sitations are rare though...
Please Support My Writing Habit By Purchasing A Book:
https://www.createspace.com/3437020
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000663025696
http://earthtremors.blogspot.com/