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i grabbed my jacket and walked out the door.

sitting on the stone wall across the road from davey's i watched. i thought about all the times he'd come to retrieve me from the park behind me after i'd run off in the middle of the night. he was always there for me. always. i could even forgive him tanya. and that hurt so much when it happened. maybe i would've done what other women would have and dumped his sorry arse but i couldn't. i really was in no shape to do anything then. it was a few weeks after i'd lost out baby and i was a complete wreck. i spoke to no one, i let no one in, i drank to within an inch of my life and it didn't matter. davey couldn't get near me for the wall i'd built around myself. i was being selfish, so people told me and i didn't care. i knew tanya. she was the girl at the coffee shop where we'd get our breakfast on weekends. she was the one who listened to davey when i should have. she was there for him when i couldn't even be there for myself. don't get me wrong i'm not trying to absolve davey from anything, it's just..i don't know.. it's seems only fair to allow him something.
i looked up to see a shadow fall across an upstairs window. my heart beat faster. what the hell was i doing here? what would i say to him? i shoved my hands deep into my pockets and started towards the high street.

i hated deciding what to eat. i'm not even sure the ache in my stomach is from hunger. walking back towards the train station, i spot hamish. well he's not so slow after all. he hasn't seen me though. i step back against the buildings and watch him. he stops to talk to a couple who've just come out of a bar. i watch him laugh. he throws his head back. i smile. he's not bad looking for someone i've never slept with. well we have slept in the same bed but you know what i mean. no i don't want to talk to hamish right now. i walk in the opposite direction even though it's away from my place.

god damn that girl. why does she always have to disappear like that. i should have told her about davey. i don't know why i'm making such a big deal about it. oh i don't know. could it be that she's prone to freakouts. now that i think about it, it usually nothing at all that sets her off. hell i've woken up and had her staring into space unresponsive. that is until i've reached out to touch her. then she goes all weird. anna does not like to be touched. fuck it.i'm going home.

with that hamish heads towards his own humble home, which unfortunately he sometimes thinks, he shares with his brother.

what i really want to do is get drunk. surely i can do both. i'm a clever enough witch. god i love the wizard of oz. who am i kidding i've done plenty of work drunk. it just isn't necessarily my best work. in fact if i recall correctly on of my works has an enpty wine bottle shattered all over it. gerard loved that one.

no. now's not the time to be drinking something i'm not used to.
i'll go home put some music on, drink a little wine, get that mood going and do some masterpiece.Hah! it's not like i'm empty of ideas. i miss davey.

half way through the night, i dropped to the floor and stared at what i'd done so far. i loved working on big canvasses. they gave me room to move. this one though, i'd been working on for more than a few weeks, since before.... well since before my trip to the hospital. davey would love how this one came out. he always likes my dark stuff. he said it allowed him to places he wouldn't go. thanks i'm glad i could oblige. there he is again. always in my head. i push my fingers into my eyelids to stop the thoughts.all i see is red and white lights.i breath in the smell of my hands. lavender and ylang ylang mixed with turpentine and paint. i look over and see a brush just out of my reach. i stretch and grab it, running it up my arm. my skin turns an indeterminable colour.in paint my left hand and fingers, covering my nails and palm. i swap hands and paint my right arm. standing up, i pull my t shirt over my head and continue painting myself. there's a knock at the door.

'fuck off please.'

i press my body against the wall. i like that the brush makes it's own mark. no more knocking. i close my eyes and will myself to float. i hear a noise and open them to see davey standing in front of me. i make no attempt to cover up.

'what are doing here?'

'ahhh i see.'

i watch in amusement as davey keeps his eye on the paintbrush in my hand.

'so this is what hamish was so reticent to tell me.'

i'm dying inside.leaving where he's going. is he coming back. keep your cool girl. i bend down and put the brush in a jar of turps. i stand up with a rag in my hand, wiping the paint from my body. i make no attempt to cover myself.

davey knew this game. how many times had we played it. he came to me so he has to be the one to tell me. i won't ask.

'so what did hamish tell you?'

'don't do this anna.'