casual sex

soulsinging

farfromglorified wrote:

Hehe...no, I'm not suggesting that is a good thing. I would suggest, however, that most women aren't getting drunk to get the courage to have sex. Some may certainly do that, but most do not. Furthermore, "casual sex" doesn't require someone, man or woman, to do that. Plenty of women have casual relationships with guys without resorting to alcoholism.

A "hookup culture" isn't a positive thing. But just because some people engage in frequent empty hookups doesn't mean everyone is or a majority are. Furthermore, casual sex and one-night-stands aren't the same thing.

What bugs me is that this attacks an entire movement based on a specific subset of behaviors. It's like attacking driving for the behavior of drunk-driving.

the article discussed the rising popularity of one-night stands. perhaps my subject line was misleading, but if the premise of the article is true (and i think there is ample reason to believe it is) then young singles are more and more engaging in one night stands to avoid the responsibilities of even a casual sexual relationship. essentially, the article is about your partner being as disposable as the condom. you go out to get laid, find someone, fuck them, kick them out, and never talk to them again. it's increasing in popularity. the article contends this is not a good sign. i happen to agree.

AmentsChick

soulsinging wrote:

interesting little read here. id say this idea applies equally well to men.

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/loveandromance/articlemc.aspx?cp-documentid=4615497&GT1=9309&wa=wsignin1.0

Kimberly, a 27-year-old nanny in Atlanta, has had sex with three men in the past month. "I have a job, hobbies, and friends I love. A monogamous relationship is the only component of my life that is lacking — but I love it!" she says. "I want Mr. Right eventually, but for the time being, I've got needs, and Mr. Right Now will do just fine."

Welcome to the hookup culture — or as Washington Post reporter Laura Sessions Stepp puts it, "the most confusing sexual landscape any generation has faced." Stepp spent the past year hanging out with eight young women and learning about their sexual escapades. She reveals what she discovered in her provocative new book, Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both.

Q: You grew up in the '60s and '70s, the free-sex era. How is that time period different from what we're seeing now?

A: In my generation, we wanted to have free sex, but we actually didn't. There was a line that you only crossed under certain circumstances. For instance, you would open your window a crack in your dorm room and let your boyfriend in, but you wouldn't announce to the world that you were doing it. Back then, we knew what the rules were. Today, there aren't any, so women don't have anything to break. They're making it up as they go along. The women's movement argued — and I was right there — that women need to be as sexually free as men. I think it's only now, with some age and experience on us, that we're looking at our daughters and seeing that maybe that wasn't such a great thing.


Q: Are you saying that feminism is to blame?

A: I think sometimes feminism leads women to believe they can't have both a loving relationship and a hard-driving career. A lot of the women I interviewed for my book say one of the reasons they have casual sex is the fear that if they get tied up emotionally with someone, they won't be able to do their work or get ahead in their jobs. That's just not true. A truly good relationship puts a spring in your step; you can work more, have more energy, and feel better. You can soften your edges without softening your drive.


Q: But if women don't want a relationship, shouldn't they be able to have no-strings-attached sex as easily as men?

A: They can. But just because they can doesn't mean they should. The way chemicals are released in the brain during intercourse is very different in men and women. In women, oxytocin is released. It's a chemical that makes women want to nurture their young and stay close. Men get a huge jolt of testosterone, which suppresses oxytocin, and that's nature's way of saying, "leave the nest and go sire offspring somewhere else". So when women think they can have sex and walk away just like guys do, they're having to suppress thousands of years of evolution that tells them to cuddle, stay in bed, and look forward to tomorrow. When they get up and walk out, they feel depressed and don't know why.


Q: Do you think it's ever possible for women to have sex like men?

A: Sure, but nine times out of 10 they're going to feel something afterward. I have no data to back this up, but I am convinced that one reason we're seeing alcohol consumption rates go up in women is that they are taking part in these sexual encounters, believing they should do so and be strong about it. And they're having to do it over and over again. At some point it denies their own biology and desires, so of course they drink in order to prepare for it, because it's not what they want to do. One of the girls in my book, Alicia, says hookup sex is very scripted. You turn off everything except your body and make yourself emotionally invulnerable. Who wants that? It's like saying I'm going to plunge down the roller coaster without anticipating the ride to the top. It's a cheap thrill.


Q: Besides the commonly known risks of casual sex, like STDs and AIDS, what are some of the other consequences of rampant hooking up?

A: Besides alcoholism? Depression. We know from surveys that have been done over the years that — again, due to oxytocin — the shorter a relationship, the more likely it is for depression to occur afterward. Breaking up a longer relationship tends to be less painful, and hookups are nothing if not brief. So this means that girls who hook up have to work really hard to squash or deny those natural feelings of connection, which again leads to depression. Also, casual sex may make later relationships more difficult, particularly if it becomes a pattern, because cheating is common. Trust is elusive. You don't learn how to trust someone; you don't learn how to treat someone in a caring way. And I think if you don't get to practice those things, it's going to be harder down the road to have a successful relationship or marriage.


Q: What's your advice to women who are planning to go out tonight and get it on with a stranger?

A: Besides packing a Trojan? I would advise them not to. Go out and find some guy who turns you on and have fun with him, but leave him wanting more. Wait until you know him better, and believe me, the sex is going to be better.


Q: Doesn't that seem terribly old-fashioned?

A: Maybe, but I think in our rush to condone or not be seen as disapproving of young women's independence — which I'm very much in favor of — we have gone too far in the opposite direction. We just need to put the brakes on a little bit. I wouldn't argue that you should never have casual sex. I just think that women need to think through how they're going to do it and with whom. Why cheat yourself out of a great relationship and great sex?

I'm a 27 year old nanny. But, I never get to have sex. :(

soulsinging

AmentsChick wrote:

I'm a 27 year old nanny. But, I never get to have sex. :(

apparently you need to get roaring drunk, wear a skirt with no panties, go to the club and start saying yes instead of being so darn choosy about how you let inside your body!

Uncle Leo

soulsinging wrote:

did you even read my original post? 1) i said men shouldn't be so cavalier about it either and 2) the article specifically discusses the rising popularity of one-night stand hookups fueled by alcohol.

Had I read your original post, I'd have read that you don't think WOMEN should be getting drunk to have sex. You then said that people in general should not be so cavalier.

And the article is more about sex leading to alcohol than vice versa. She basically is saying that men have these healthy urges and women are having to manufacture theirs. Then they have a one-nighter that they regret and become alcoholics. I find that almost amusing.

As for the article, I think the key thing the author says in the interview is "I have no data to back this up..."

AmentsChick

soulsinging wrote:

apparently you need to get roaring drunk, wear a skirt with no panties, go to the club and start saying yes instead of being so darn choosy about how you let inside your body!

I SHOULD, huh?? I'm old-fashioned. I will only get freaky if I'm in a relationship. But, then...when I am...poor guy!!

farfromglorified

know1 wrote:

Well look harder then. I respect that their opinion is valid, but I do not respect them for treating sex casually. If it's a contradiction as you suggest, then I guess I'm contradictory....and unapologetic for it.

If they have a valid opinion that sex can be casual, how can the behavior that stems from that valid opinion be worthy of disrespect? I'm not asking for you to apologize, I'm simply asking you to explain.

Collin

farfromglorified wrote:

Casual sex and one-night-stands aren't the same thing.

True. I'd say there's a huge difference between the two.

AmentsChick

I had a 'one-night' thing once...and felt so terrible afterwards I promised myself I would never do it again.

soulsinging

AmentsChick wrote:

I SHOULD, huh?? I'm old-fashioned. I will only get freaky if I'm in a relationship. But, then...when I am...poor guy!!

god, you prude!

Collin

know1 wrote:

For a variety of reasons. Among them that it cheapens the experience, it's selfish, demonstrates that someone lacks self-restraint, I think it should be saved for marriage, etc., etc.

I don't understand how it's selfish. I'm not entirely sure about the self-restraint. And there are plenty of people who don't want to get married.

AmentsChick

soulsinging wrote:

god, you prude!

I am to an extent. But, in a relationship I definitely make up for it.

farfromglorified

soulsinging wrote:

the article discussed the rising popularity of one-night stands. perhaps my subject line was misleading, but if the premise of the article is true (and i think there is ample reason to believe it is) then young singles are more and more engaging in one night stands to avoid the responsibilities of even a casual sexual relationship. essentially, the article is about your partner being as disposable as the condom. you go out to get laid, find someone, fuck them, kick them out, and never talk to them again. it's increasing in popularity. the article contends this is not a good sign. i happen to agree.

I agree with this. I just cringe when I see so many blanket generalizations and mischaraterizations thrown around. It's portraying people who engage in casual sex as drunken, miserable people. I know a lot of married, monogomous people who are drunken and miserable too. Doesn't mean all are. Doesn't mean the behaviors are even related.

Anyway, casual sex is great, when done correctly and for the right reasons. Get off its back........

AmentsChick

farfromglorified wrote:

Get off its back........

or behind it

soulsinging

Uncle Leo wrote:

Had I read your original post, I'd have read that you don't think WOMEN should be getting drunk to have sex. You then said that people in general should not be so cavalier.

And the article is more about sex leading to alcohol than vice versa. She basically is saying that men have these healthy urges and women are having to manufacture theirs. Then they have a one-nighter that they regret and become alcoholics. I find that almost amusing.

As for the article, I think the key thing the author says in the interview is "I have no data to back this up..."

the post you referred to was directed at ffg and meant to be an example or hypo for him. the article focuses on women yes. but my insertion before the article was that this is sound advice for men as well. the article is more about people forcing themselves to live this lifestyle they don't actually enjoy than alcoholism. yes, she has no data to verify the alcohol-depression-sex link. that would require a very specific scientific study. but the increase of this culture is visible everywhere and it being intertwined with alcohol is also pretty easy to see.

do you know any girl who has gone out and had a one night stand without alcohol being involved? i know many guys who have, and i think it's a bad move on their part too. the only difference is women bring the drink into the mix to act the same way. it's irrelevant really. the point of all this is, are one night stands a good idea?

soulsinging

farfromglorified wrote:

I agree with this. I just cringe when I see so many blanket generalizations and mischaraterizations thrown around. It's portraying people who engage in casual sex as drunken, miserable people. I know a lot of married, monogomous people who are drunken and miserable too. Doesn't mean all are. Doesn't mean the behaviors are even related.

Anyway, casual sex is great, when done correctly and for the right reasons. Get off its back........

well yeah, i think the only reason i mentioned alcohol was to illustrate just how undesirable this sexual lifestyle is. even the people engaging in it (the women at least) feel compelled to get intoxicated to go through with it. i wasnt trying to make it about how people who have casual sex are depressed drunks. just that serial one night stands are probably not the best lifestyle.

Ahnimus

IMO the only way to truly love someone, is to spend enough time with them to allow it to bloom.

On the other hand, where are these one-night stand girls?

farfromglorified

Ahnimus wrote:

IMO the only way to truly love someone, is to spend enough time with them to allow it to bloom.

On the other hand, where are these one-night stand girls?

Hehe...nice

Uncle Leo

AmentsChick wrote:

I had a 'one-night' thing once...and felt so terrible afterwards I promised myself I would never do it again.

What if the opportunity arose with a certain bass player?

Ahnimus

soulsinging wrote:

well yeah, i think the only reason i mentioned alcohol was to illustrate just how undesirable this sexual lifestyle is. even the people engaging in it (the women at least) feel compelled to get intoxicated to go through with it. i wasnt trying to make it about how people who have casual sex are depressed drunks. just that serial one night stands are probably not the best lifestyle.

I was talking this girl into having sex and she said "I can't, I'd need to be drunk." less than a week later "You should come over, I'm drunk."

farfromglorified

soulsinging wrote:

well yeah, i think the only reason i mentioned alcohol was to illustrate just how undesirable this sexual lifestyle is. even the people engaging in it (the women at least) feel compelled to get intoxicated to go through with it. i wasnt trying to make it about how people who have casual sex are depressed drunks. just that serial one night stands are probably not the best lifestyle.

Definitely not.