casual sex
soulsinging
Posts: 13,202
interesting little read here. id say this idea applies equally well to men.
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/loveandromance/articlemc.aspx?cp-documentid=4615497>1=9309&wa=wsignin1.0
Kimberly, a 27-year-old nanny in Atlanta, has had sex with three men in the past month. "I have a job, hobbies, and friends I love. A monogamous relationship is the only component of my life that is lacking — but I love it!" she says. "I want Mr. Right eventually, but for the time being, I've got needs, and Mr. Right Now will do just fine."
Welcome to the hookup culture — or as Washington Post reporter Laura Sessions Stepp puts it, "the most confusing sexual landscape any generation has faced." Stepp spent the past year hanging out with eight young women and learning about their sexual escapades. She reveals what she discovered in her provocative new book, Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both.
Q: You grew up in the '60s and '70s, the free-sex era. How is that time period different from what we're seeing now?
A: In my generation, we wanted to have free sex, but we actually didn't. There was a line that you only crossed under certain circumstances. For instance, you would open your window a crack in your dorm room and let your boyfriend in, but you wouldn't announce to the world that you were doing it. Back then, we knew what the rules were. Today, there aren't any, so women don't have anything to break. They're making it up as they go along. The women's movement argued — and I was right there — that women need to be as sexually free as men. I think it's only now, with some age and experience on us, that we're looking at our daughters and seeing that maybe that wasn't such a great thing.
Q: Are you saying that feminism is to blame?
A: I think sometimes feminism leads women to believe they can't have both a loving relationship and a hard-driving career. A lot of the women I interviewed for my book say one of the reasons they have casual sex is the fear that if they get tied up emotionally with someone, they won't be able to do their work or get ahead in their jobs. That's just not true. A truly good relationship puts a spring in your step; you can work more, have more energy, and feel better. You can soften your edges without softening your drive.
Q: But if women don't want a relationship, shouldn't they be able to have no-strings-attached sex as easily as men?
A: They can. But just because they can doesn't mean they should. The way chemicals are released in the brain during intercourse is very different in men and women. In women, oxytocin is released. It's a chemical that makes women want to nurture their young and stay close. Men get a huge jolt of testosterone, which suppresses oxytocin, and that's nature's way of saying, "leave the nest and go sire offspring somewhere else". So when women think they can have sex and walk away just like guys do, they're having to suppress thousands of years of evolution that tells them to cuddle, stay in bed, and look forward to tomorrow. When they get up and walk out, they feel depressed and don't know why.
Q: Do you think it's ever possible for women to have sex like men?
A: Sure, but nine times out of 10 they're going to feel something afterward. I have no data to back this up, but I am convinced that one reason we're seeing alcohol consumption rates go up in women is that they are taking part in these sexual encounters, believing they should do so and be strong about it. And they're having to do it over and over again. At some point it denies their own biology and desires, so of course they drink in order to prepare for it, because it's not what they want to do. One of the girls in my book, Alicia, says hookup sex is very scripted. You turn off everything except your body and make yourself emotionally invulnerable. Who wants that? It's like saying I'm going to plunge down the roller coaster without anticipating the ride to the top. It's a cheap thrill.
Q: Besides the commonly known risks of casual sex, like STDs and AIDS, what are some of the other consequences of rampant hooking up?
A: Besides alcoholism? Depression. We know from surveys that have been done over the years that — again, due to oxytocin — the shorter a relationship, the more likely it is for depression to occur afterward. Breaking up a longer relationship tends to be less painful, and hookups are nothing if not brief. So this means that girls who hook up have to work really hard to squash or deny those natural feelings of connection, which again leads to depression. Also, casual sex may make later relationships more difficult, particularly if it becomes a pattern, because cheating is common. Trust is elusive. You don't learn how to trust someone; you don't learn how to treat someone in a caring way. And I think if you don't get to practice those things, it's going to be harder down the road to have a successful relationship or marriage.
Q: What's your advice to women who are planning to go out tonight and get it on with a stranger?
A: Besides packing a Trojan? I would advise them not to. Go out and find some guy who turns you on and have fun with him, but leave him wanting more. Wait until you know him better, and believe me, the sex is going to be better.
Q: Doesn't that seem terribly old-fashioned?
A: Maybe, but I think in our rush to condone or not be seen as disapproving of young women's independence — which I'm very much in favor of — we have gone too far in the opposite direction. We just need to put the brakes on a little bit. I wouldn't argue that you should never have casual sex. I just think that women need to think through how they're going to do it and with whom. Why cheat yourself out of a great relationship and great sex?
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/loveandromance/articlemc.aspx?cp-documentid=4615497>1=9309&wa=wsignin1.0
Kimberly, a 27-year-old nanny in Atlanta, has had sex with three men in the past month. "I have a job, hobbies, and friends I love. A monogamous relationship is the only component of my life that is lacking — but I love it!" she says. "I want Mr. Right eventually, but for the time being, I've got needs, and Mr. Right Now will do just fine."
Welcome to the hookup culture — or as Washington Post reporter Laura Sessions Stepp puts it, "the most confusing sexual landscape any generation has faced." Stepp spent the past year hanging out with eight young women and learning about their sexual escapades. She reveals what she discovered in her provocative new book, Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both.
Q: You grew up in the '60s and '70s, the free-sex era. How is that time period different from what we're seeing now?
A: In my generation, we wanted to have free sex, but we actually didn't. There was a line that you only crossed under certain circumstances. For instance, you would open your window a crack in your dorm room and let your boyfriend in, but you wouldn't announce to the world that you were doing it. Back then, we knew what the rules were. Today, there aren't any, so women don't have anything to break. They're making it up as they go along. The women's movement argued — and I was right there — that women need to be as sexually free as men. I think it's only now, with some age and experience on us, that we're looking at our daughters and seeing that maybe that wasn't such a great thing.
Q: Are you saying that feminism is to blame?
A: I think sometimes feminism leads women to believe they can't have both a loving relationship and a hard-driving career. A lot of the women I interviewed for my book say one of the reasons they have casual sex is the fear that if they get tied up emotionally with someone, they won't be able to do their work or get ahead in their jobs. That's just not true. A truly good relationship puts a spring in your step; you can work more, have more energy, and feel better. You can soften your edges without softening your drive.
Q: But if women don't want a relationship, shouldn't they be able to have no-strings-attached sex as easily as men?
A: They can. But just because they can doesn't mean they should. The way chemicals are released in the brain during intercourse is very different in men and women. In women, oxytocin is released. It's a chemical that makes women want to nurture their young and stay close. Men get a huge jolt of testosterone, which suppresses oxytocin, and that's nature's way of saying, "leave the nest and go sire offspring somewhere else". So when women think they can have sex and walk away just like guys do, they're having to suppress thousands of years of evolution that tells them to cuddle, stay in bed, and look forward to tomorrow. When they get up and walk out, they feel depressed and don't know why.
Q: Do you think it's ever possible for women to have sex like men?
A: Sure, but nine times out of 10 they're going to feel something afterward. I have no data to back this up, but I am convinced that one reason we're seeing alcohol consumption rates go up in women is that they are taking part in these sexual encounters, believing they should do so and be strong about it. And they're having to do it over and over again. At some point it denies their own biology and desires, so of course they drink in order to prepare for it, because it's not what they want to do. One of the girls in my book, Alicia, says hookup sex is very scripted. You turn off everything except your body and make yourself emotionally invulnerable. Who wants that? It's like saying I'm going to plunge down the roller coaster without anticipating the ride to the top. It's a cheap thrill.
Q: Besides the commonly known risks of casual sex, like STDs and AIDS, what are some of the other consequences of rampant hooking up?
A: Besides alcoholism? Depression. We know from surveys that have been done over the years that — again, due to oxytocin — the shorter a relationship, the more likely it is for depression to occur afterward. Breaking up a longer relationship tends to be less painful, and hookups are nothing if not brief. So this means that girls who hook up have to work really hard to squash or deny those natural feelings of connection, which again leads to depression. Also, casual sex may make later relationships more difficult, particularly if it becomes a pattern, because cheating is common. Trust is elusive. You don't learn how to trust someone; you don't learn how to treat someone in a caring way. And I think if you don't get to practice those things, it's going to be harder down the road to have a successful relationship or marriage.
Q: What's your advice to women who are planning to go out tonight and get it on with a stranger?
A: Besides packing a Trojan? I would advise them not to. Go out and find some guy who turns you on and have fun with him, but leave him wanting more. Wait until you know him better, and believe me, the sex is going to be better.
Q: Doesn't that seem terribly old-fashioned?
A: Maybe, but I think in our rush to condone or not be seen as disapproving of young women's independence — which I'm very much in favor of — we have gone too far in the opposite direction. We just need to put the brakes on a little bit. I wouldn't argue that you should never have casual sex. I just think that women need to think through how they're going to do it and with whom. Why cheat yourself out of a great relationship and great sex?
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Comments
...are those who've helped us.
Right 'round the corner could be bigger than ourselves.
Why?
so I guess you have little respect for 99.99999% of the general population of the world.
I don't think it's that low.
Edit: I mean that high.
...are those who've helped us.
Right 'round the corner could be bigger than ourselves.
Because I think it's wrong.
...are those who've helped us.
Right 'round the corner could be bigger than ourselves.
Why?
For a variety of reasons. Among them that it cheapens the experience, it's selfish, demonstrates that someone lacks self-restraint, I think it should be saved for marriage, etc., etc.
...are those who've helped us.
Right 'round the corner could be bigger than ourselves.
Cheapens it how? And for whom?
As opposed to "altruistic" sex?
Self-restraint in what? Why should someone restrain from having sex?
But obviously others don't. What makes the "wait for marriage" argument more valid than the "don't wait for marriage" argument?
but what if she lets you hit it from behind? can you make an exception for that?
Damn you!. People are wondering what I am laughing at!
are you suggesting that it is a GOOD thing that women now are getting drunk for the sole purpose of getting the courage to do something they wouldn't be willing to do otherwise? is that a healthy sexual practice?
i've always been of the mind that if you won't do it sober, you shouldn't be doing it drunk. so i cant see how this hookup culture is a positive thing. one night stands with people you met mere hours before while under the influence is a bad idea, no matter how safe you think you're being.
I thought that was a given.
I didn't say my opinion is more valid than anyone else's. On the other hand nobody else's is more valid than mine.
I stand by it that I have little respect for people who treat sex so casually.
...are those who've helped us.
Right 'round the corner could be bigger than ourselves.
Is it implied that casual sex is drunk sex? I don't think that women are getting drunk to do something they would not otherwise do (well perhaps a few, but not as a general rule).
I personally agree that you should know someone more than a few hours before having sex, but even if you do, it can still be "casual." It does not have to lead to love--if people want sex that has nothing to do with love or monogamy, what do I care? Sure, you still have to be careful in this day and age, but if men can be cavalier about sex, why not women?
dont ya just love it .....
people are giving you shit because you dont believe in casual sex....
this place gets fucking scarier by the day....
hehehehe............
Till there aint nothing left worth taking away from me.....
Hehe...no, I'm not suggesting that is a good thing. I would suggest, however, that most women aren't getting drunk to get the courage to have sex. Some may certainly do that, but most do not. Furthermore, "casual sex" doesn't require someone, man or woman, to do that. Plenty of women have casual relationships with guys without resorting to alcoholism.
A "hookup culture" isn't a positive thing. But just because some people engage in frequent empty hookups doesn't mean everyone is or a majority are. Furthermore, casual sex and one-night-stands aren't the same thing.
What bugs me is that this attacks an entire movement based on a specific subset of behaviors. It's like attacking driving for the behavior of drunk-driving.
did you even read my original post? 1) i said men shouldn't be so cavalier about it either and 2) the article specifically discusses the rising popularity of one-night stand hookups fueled by alcohol.
I don't see how these two statements don't contradict each other. If these people's opinions and the choices that stem from them are no more or less valid than your own, how can you have "little respect" for them?
Nobody cares that he does not believe in casual sex. They just find it amusing that he "does not respect those that have casual sex." Obviously since the majority of us have at some point, some will take exception to the comment.
Well look harder then. I respect that their opinion is valid, but I do not respect them for treating sex casually. If it's a contradiction as you suggest, then I guess I'm contradictory....and unapologetic for it.
...are those who've helped us.
Right 'round the corner could be bigger than ourselves.
the article discussed the rising popularity of one-night stands. perhaps my subject line was misleading, but if the premise of the article is true (and i think there is ample reason to believe it is) then young singles are more and more engaging in one night stands to avoid the responsibilities of even a casual sexual relationship. essentially, the article is about your partner being as disposable as the condom. you go out to get laid, find someone, fuck them, kick them out, and never talk to them again. it's increasing in popularity. the article contends this is not a good sign. i happen to agree.
I'm a 27 year old nanny. But, I never get to have sex. :(
apparently you need to get roaring drunk, wear a skirt with no panties, go to the club and start saying yes instead of being so darn choosy about how you let inside your body!
Had I read your original post, I'd have read that you don't think WOMEN should be getting drunk to have sex. You then said that people in general should not be so cavalier.
And the article is more about sex leading to alcohol than vice versa. She basically is saying that men have these healthy urges and women are having to manufacture theirs. Then they have a one-nighter that they regret and become alcoholics. I find that almost amusing.
As for the article, I think the key thing the author says in the interview is "I have no data to back this up..."
I SHOULD, huh?? I'm old-fashioned. I will only get freaky if I'm in a relationship. But, then...when I am...poor guy!!
If they have a valid opinion that sex can be casual, how can the behavior that stems from that valid opinion be worthy of disrespect? I'm not asking for you to apologize, I'm simply asking you to explain.
True. I'd say there's a huge difference between the two.
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god, you prude!
I don't understand how it's selfish. I'm not entirely sure about the self-restraint. And there are plenty of people who don't want to get married.
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