I wanted to know and nothing Hamish could tell me would satisfy me after his refusal. I would have to ask Davey. I wasn't sure about me doing this, but I couldn't stand not knowing. I would take the risk of overstepping my boundary.
« One man's glory is another man's hell.
You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
sitting on the stone wall across the road from davey's i watched. i thought about all the times he'd come to retrieve me from the park behind me after i'd run off in the middle of the night. he was always there for me. always. i could even forgive him tanya. and that hurt so much when it happened. maybe i would've done what other women would have and dumped his sorry arse but i couldn't. i really was in no shape to do anything then. it was a few weeks after i'd lost out baby and i was a complete wreck. i spoke to no one, i let no one in, i drank to within an inch of my life and it didn't matter. davey couldn't get near me for the wall i'd built around myself. i was being selfish, so people told me and i didn't care. i knew tanya. she was the girl at the coffee shop where we'd get our breakfast on weekends. she was the one who listened to davey when i should have. she was there for him when i couldn't even be there for myself. don't get me wrong i'm not trying to absolve davey from anything, it's just..i don't know.. it's seems only fair to allow him something.
i looked up to see a shadow fall across an upstairs window. my heart beat faster. what the hell was i doing here? what would i say to him? i shoved my hands deep into my pockets and started towards the high street.
hear my name
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
Would I actually do this? Well self-respect is a highly overrated commodity, if I had to choose between stilling that emptiness and a little crack in my self image, well, I guess my hunger is bigger.
« One man's glory is another man's hell.
You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
i hated deciding what to eat. i'm not even sure the ache in my stomach is from hunger. walking back towards the train station, i spot hamish. well he's not so slow after all. he hasn't seen me though. i step back against the buildings and watch him. he stops to talk to a couple who've just come out of a bar. i watch him laugh. he throws his head back. i smile. he's not bad looking for someone i've never slept with. well we have slept in the same bed but you know what i mean. no i don't want to talk to hamish right now. i walk in the opposite direction even though it's away from my place.
hear my name
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
I just didn't feel like talking to him at all. Strolled around the block to get back on track I had no idea what to do with myself. I felt so empty and I couldn't help myself but think of him.
« One man's glory is another man's hell.
You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
god damn that girl. why does she always have to disappear like that. i should have told her about davey. i don't know why i'm making such a big deal about it. oh i don't know. could it be that she's prone to freakouts. now that i think about it, it usually nothing at all that sets her off. hell i've woken up and had her staring into space unresponsive. that is until i've reached out to touch her. then she goes all weird. anna does not like to be touched. fuck it.i'm going home.
with that hamish heads towards his own humble home, which unfortunately he sometimes thinks, he shares with his brother.
hear my name
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
I had to go back to my painting if I wanted to finish it before Gérard got to impatient. At the end of the week I needed to have some things good enough to please him. The money wes more then welcome right now.
« One man's glory is another man's hell.
You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
what i really want to do is get drunk. surely i can do both. i'm a clever enough witch. god i love the wizard of oz. who am i kidding i've done plenty of work drunk. it just isn't necessarily my best work. in fact if i recall correctly on of my works has an enpty wine bottle shattered all over it. gerard loved that one.
hear my name
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
I sure could use something stronger than wine though. Maybe I should pick up a bottle of cognac first? I got the cash and I'm near by.
« One man's glory is another man's hell.
You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
no. now's not the time to be drinking something i'm not used to.
i'll go home put some music on, drink a little wine, get that mood going and do some masterpiece.Hah! it's not like i'm empty of ideas. i miss davey.
hear my name
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
I hate this. Why can't I just be depressed and stay of the booze. I really needed to watch myself. Well at least I managed to not buy cognac or whiskey again.
« One man's glory is another man's hell.
You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
half way through the night, i dropped to the floor and stared at what i'd done so far. i loved working on big canvasses. they gave me room to move. this one though, i'd been working on for more than a few weeks, since before.... well since before my trip to the hospital. davey would love how this one came out. he always likes my dark stuff. he said it allowed him to places he wouldn't go. thanks i'm glad i could oblige. there he is again. always in my head. i push my fingers into my eyelids to stop the thoughts.all i see is red and white lights.i breath in the smell of my hands. lavender and ylang ylang mixed with turpentine and paint. i look over and see a brush just out of my reach. i stretch and grab it, running it up my arm. my skin turns an indeterminable colour.in paint my left hand and fingers, covering my nails and palm. i swap hands and paint my right arm. standing up, i pull my t shirt over my head and continue painting myself. there's a knock at the door.
'fuck off please.'
i press my body against the wall. i like that the brush makes it's own mark. no more knocking. i close my eyes and will myself to float. i hear a noise and open them to see davey standing in front of me. i make no attempt to cover up.
'what are doing here?'
hear my name
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
« One man's glory is another man's hell.
You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
i watch in amusement as davey keeps his eye on the paintbrush in my hand.
'so this is what hamish was so reticent to tell me.'
i'm dying inside.leaving where he's going. is he coming back. keep your cool girl. i bend down and put the brush in a jar of turps. i stand up with a rag in my hand, wiping the paint from my body. i make no attempt to cover myself.
hear my name
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
Come on Davey don't be so mysterious about it. Tell me more. But I said nothing, he would have to tell me himself. I had to bite my tongue to keep me from asking.
« One man's glory is another man's hell.
You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
davey knew this game. how many times had we played it. he came to me so he has to be the one to tell me. i won't ask.
'so what did hamish tell you?'
He told me I looked hot while I'm painting. Apparently you told him.
« One man's glory is another man's hell.
You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
« One man's glory is another man's hell.
You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
'you think that i'm the only guy who thinks you're hot. this is not news anna.
what the fuck am i doing?'
davey stepped towards anna.
' i thought you should know i'm going away on assignment and i don't know how long i'll be gone. i thought after everything you should at least know.'
he managed a weak smile and remembered wby this meeting was so difficult for him.he still loved anna. he could at least admit that much. but not to her of course. besides she knew absence of love was not the reason they parted.
hear my name
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
« One man's glory is another man's hell.
You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
the shot of electricity that ran through my body when davey grabbed my arms threw me.
' you are the most damnable woman i've ever met anna.'
not seemingly caring that i was covered in paint and smelled like turpentine, he traced his fingers over my face and didn't pull his hand away when i bit his thumb, holding it between my lips daring him to do something. anything. he held my head with his other hand and returned my gaze. kissing my cheek while managing to remove his thumb, davey smiled. he held me close and kissed me on the lips.i thoght i was gonna melt. then he pulled away.
'this is not the way to do this. it's not fair to either of us. goodbye anna'
with that, davey left. he walked away and left me standing there feeling like a fool. the air left my body and i collapsed to the floor crying. of course he was right. he was right and i felt like a worthless whore practically begging him for release.
hear my name
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
I have no clue how long I lay there on the floor. I didn't care about anything at that point. The painting, the wine, my promis to Gérard, the paint on my body, nothing seemed important anymore. I just wanted it all to stop. It felt like I had cried every tear I had for the rest of my life. Why did it have to be this way? I just wanted a break form it all. I had enough.
« One man's glory is another man's hell.
You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
i shivered with the cold. when i looked down at my body i was filled with revulsion. so close. so close and now i had fallen. i knew that. my face was wet with tears again and i couldn't get control of myself enough to stop. sitting on the bare floorboards rocking back and forth trying to get it out, i could feel myself dying. i'm scared. if i could break my fingers i would.just to feel the pain. i pressed my fists to my forehead. i pushed the breath out and back into my nose hoping the sound of the whoosh it made would calm me. it didn't.i crawled towards my tool box. it overflowed with brushes and sticks and rags and look at that. my paperknife. that's what i was looking for. i propped my self against the wall and pressed that blade into my skin.it wasn't easy for me to do this. it always hurt. it always hurt and that was the point. i watched the blood bloom red form beneath my skin and i knew this is what i wanted. this was my life.........
hear my name
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
Before I was aware of it my whole left arm and chest was covered in little red lines. I could feel my skin burn and the wounds sting. I looked in the mirror and saw a bewildered young woman, I saw the lines I covered my body with and turned around so I didn't have to face myself. I let myself fall to the ground sitting with my back against the bedroom door. I started crying again and I sunk my teeth into my right arm.
« One man's glory is another man's hell.
You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
i could taste the blood. my blood. i liked the metallic taste. but not today. turpentine didn't taste so good. i had to stop. i stood up and made it back into my studio. actually it was just an area in the living space, but it's where i worked. i put my hand to my face and smelled the blood. and the turpentine. putting my hand against the wall to steady myself, i leant my shoulder against it then and slid to the floor. i closed my eyes.i must have fallen asleep again, cause i woke to the sound of my name being called and someone roughly trying to pull me to my feet. it was vincent. i tried to pull away but he was much too strong for me right now. he voice was soft for a change.
'what are you doing to yourself anna?'
if i said i didn't know he would have believed me i'm sure. i saw freya talking on the phone. great. i wonder who the fuck she was talking to.
'think you can walk to the bathroom?'
vincent didn't wait for an answer, he just picked me up and carried down the hall. i was fine.i was alive wasn't i? fuck what an idiot.
hear my name
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
He put me down in the bathroom and told me to take a shower. I wanted to say something, but nothing appropriate came to mind. I didn't dare ask who Freya was calling. I just hoped it wasn't the doctor or god knows what other stupid idea she could come up with.
« One man's glory is another man's hell.
You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
so that's how i ended up at the farm. freya freaked out and managed to convince a doctor friend of hers that i was a danger to myself. well really, that can't have been too hard considering the state i was in. she never understood. i told her once that it was when i wasn't doing something destructive that was when she should worry. naturally when i said that, she worried. freya thought i was nuts. i wasn't. i mean i'm not.
i don't know how long she expected them to keep me here. but i knew it wouldn't be long. i'd be the model patient. tell them what they wanted to hear. express remorse for what i had done, though i was adamant that i was not trying to kill myself. which was the truth. i'd do their group therapy. see a counsellor one on one. take their referral for continuing management on the outside. i'd done this all before. what i didn't count on was my counsellor. his name was david. how perverse was that. at our first meeting we sat there in silence for close to twenty minutes. i had nothing to say to him and he allowed me to say nothing. finally he said if i wasn't going to say anything that i was wasting his time and i should leave. so, i stood up and left. he didn't make that mistake again.
hear my name
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
The thing about places like these is that they really have that embracing setting. Every one can see you come in there ain't no way to hide. Not entirely, not in the way you want to. You walking in and you have new kid written all over you, and the people there immediately start thinking; Why is she here? What screw is loose with her? Thinking back I just hate those first days the worst.
And for some reason they assign you the lamest person they can find to show you 'round the "Kingdom of the freaks and the nutty". I didn't want to kill myself when I came in, but it certainly felt like an appealing option when I was there.
The first few days is all about following the flow of everyday craziness. And the less you say the more the assumptions grow. I think in the minds of the group members I was a Crazy suicidal. I made the fault every newly is guilty of I thought being arrogant and aloof could shield me from their madness.
« One man's glory is another man's hell.
You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
Comments
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
i looked up to see a shadow fall across an upstairs window. my heart beat faster. what the hell was i doing here? what would i say to him? i shoved my hands deep into my pockets and started towards the high street.
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
with that hamish heads towards his own humble home, which unfortunately he sometimes thinks, he shares with his brother.
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
i'll go home put some music on, drink a little wine, get that mood going and do some masterpiece.Hah! it's not like i'm empty of ideas. i miss davey.
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
'fuck off please.'
i press my body against the wall. i like that the brush makes it's own mark. no more knocking. i close my eyes and will myself to float. i hear a noise and open them to see davey standing in front of me. i make no attempt to cover up.
'what are doing here?'
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
i watch in amusement as davey keeps his eye on the paintbrush in my hand.
'so this is what hamish was so reticent to tell me.'
i'm dying inside.leaving where he's going. is he coming back. keep your cool girl. i bend down and put the brush in a jar of turps. i stand up with a rag in my hand, wiping the paint from my body. i make no attempt to cover myself.
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
Come on Davey don't be so mysterious about it. Tell me more. But I said nothing, he would have to tell me himself. I had to bite my tongue to keep me from asking.
You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
'so what did hamish tell you?'
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
He told me I looked hot while I'm painting. Apparently you told him.
You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
what the fuck am i doing?'
davey stepped towards anna.
' i thought you should know i'm going away on assignment and i don't know how long i'll be gone. i thought after everything you should at least know.'
he managed a weak smile and remembered wby this meeting was so difficult for him.he still loved anna. he could at least admit that much. but not to her of course. besides she knew absence of love was not the reason they parted.
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
' you are the most damnable woman i've ever met anna.'
not seemingly caring that i was covered in paint and smelled like turpentine, he traced his fingers over my face and didn't pull his hand away when i bit his thumb, holding it between my lips daring him to do something. anything. he held my head with his other hand and returned my gaze. kissing my cheek while managing to remove his thumb, davey smiled. he held me close and kissed me on the lips.i thoght i was gonna melt. then he pulled away.
'this is not the way to do this. it's not fair to either of us. goodbye anna'
with that, davey left. he walked away and left me standing there feeling like a fool. the air left my body and i collapsed to the floor crying. of course he was right. he was right and i felt like a worthless whore practically begging him for release.
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
'what are you doing to yourself anna?'
if i said i didn't know he would have believed me i'm sure. i saw freya talking on the phone. great. i wonder who the fuck she was talking to.
'think you can walk to the bathroom?'
vincent didn't wait for an answer, he just picked me up and carried down the hall. i was fine.i was alive wasn't i? fuck what an idiot.
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»
i don't know how long she expected them to keep me here. but i knew it wouldn't be long. i'd be the model patient. tell them what they wanted to hear. express remorse for what i had done, though i was adamant that i was not trying to kill myself. which was the truth. i'd do their group therapy. see a counsellor one on one. take their referral for continuing management on the outside. i'd done this all before. what i didn't count on was my counsellor. his name was david. how perverse was that. at our first meeting we sat there in silence for close to twenty minutes. i had nothing to say to him and he allowed me to say nothing. finally he said if i wasn't going to say anything that i was wasting his time and i should leave. so, i stood up and left. he didn't make that mistake again.
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
And for some reason they assign you the lamest person they can find to show you 'round the "Kingdom of the freaks and the nutty". I didn't want to kill myself when I came in, but it certainly felt like an appealing option when I was there.
The first few days is all about following the flow of everyday craziness. And the less you say the more the assumptions grow. I think in the minds of the group members I was a Crazy suicidal. I made the fault every newly is guilty of I thought being arrogant and aloof could shield me from their madness.
You’re on the outside, never bound by such a spell.
Together in the darkness, alone in the light.
I took it upon me to be yours, Timmy,
I’ll lead your angels and demons at play tonight......»