A safe place for anxiety sufferers to share.

lastexitlondon

hedonist

Even the littlest of steps can help.  They're a start, anyway.

I wish you well as you find your footing - and best of luck on the medical front.

lastexitlondon

I cant take anymore.
I cant eat food. It just falls through me sorry if thats gross but its real. Now i took a valium despite my fear of dementia . One step closer to death. This is a negative post but i need to reach out 

lastexitlondon

I hope its safe here

ST66483

Not sure exactly what you’re going through, but I’ve experienced some similar issues (based solely on reading some of your posts).  Had the colonoscopy and various tests.  It’s not fun, but there is light on the other end.  For me things have did not turn out too bad, but just something I need to learn to live with and at times adjust life around, but generally my quality of life has picked up.  Hope you have a good support network round you, and  it’s great to see some many folks here care and are there for support as well.  

mickeyrat

lastexitlondon said:

I hope its safe here

of course it is.

Annafalk

Sending thoughts of support. 

lastexitlondon

Thank  you anna.
Mickey ive just been talking to my mum whilst non stop crying.  How do i become stronger so i do not keep asking  everyone for help they cant give. I need something within. Ive not drunk alcohol or done weed for almost a week im raw but petrified and everytime i go to the toilet i breakdown again as it gets worse. My mum said lots of things can cause this but i only see cancer and death.  It makes me want to die now but live on in the next breath. 

lastexitlondon

ST66483 said:

Not sure exactly what you’re going through, but I’ve experienced some similar issues (based solely on reading some of your posts).  Had the colonoscopy and various tests.  It’s not fun, but there is light on the other end.  For me things have did not turn out too bad, but just something I need to learn to live with and at times adjust life around, but generally my quality of life has picked up.  Hope you have a good support network round you, and  it’s great to see some many folks here care and are there for support as well.  

Thank  you

HughFreakingDillon

lastexitlondon said:

I cant take anymore.
I cant eat food. It just falls through me sorry if thats gross but its real. Now i took a valium despite my fear of dementia . One step closer to death. This is a negative post but i need to reach out 

you'd be amazed the effect the mind has on the body in times of extreme stress. your digestive system is often hit the hardest. it could easily be your mental state causing this. just try to remain positive and wait for the test results. 

PJ_Soul

I've got anxiety leaking out of my ears. Two-thirds of my colleagues, and myself, found out that we're being physically moved to a whole other building (as part of a massive reorganization that combines several independent departments, and everyone knows it's a terrible idea that won't work), in a space that nobody has ever given a shit about, apparently. Where we are now is super nice, modern, clean, well thought out, attractive, coordinated and nicely decorated, very well equipped with modern technology and goodies - a very pleasant place to work. The place we're moving to looks like it's not had a fresh coat of paint since the 80s, like all the office furniture was picked up at random garage sales, all the equipment is fucking garbage and completely inadequate, and it seems like literally nobody who has been occupying the space has ever even considered making it a pleasant space to work at all. This kind of thing really creates a lot of anxiety for the entire group. So here I am, stressed and kind of in mourning, and surrounded by 20 other stressed out, angry people who feel like they're getting the short end of the stick. Doesn't help that I'm close with the other third of my colleagues who aren't coming with us. Our department has existed forever, I've worked with some of these people for years and years, and we're all being split up.

Thoughts_Arrive

PJ_Soul said:

I've got anxiety leaking out of my ears. Two-thirds of my colleagues, and myself, found out that we're being physically moved to a whole other building (as part of a massive reorganization that combines several independent departments, and everyone knows it's a terrible idea that won't work), in a space that nobody has ever given a shit about, apparently. Where we are now is super nice, modern, clean, well thought out, attractive, coordinated and nicely decorated, very well equipped with modern technology and goodies - a very pleasant place to work. The place we're moving to looks like it's not had a fresh coat of paint since the 80s, like all the office furniture was picked up at random garage sales, all the equipment is fucking garbage and completely inadequate, and it seems like literally nobody who has been occupying the space has ever even considered making it a pleasant space to work at all. This kind of thing really creates a lot of anxiety for the entire group. So here I am, stressed and kind of in mourning, and surrounded by 20 other stressed out, angry people who feel like they're getting the short end of the stick. Doesn't help that I'm close with the other third of my colleagues who aren't coming with us. Our department has existed forever, I've worked with some of these people for years and years, and we're all being split up.

Why I don't want to work in an office ever again. Changes always made me super anxious/stressed out.

Fifthelement

PJ_Soul said:

I've got anxiety leaking out of my ears. Two-thirds of my colleagues, and myself, found out that we're being physically moved to a whole other building (as part of a massive reorganization that combines several independent departments, and everyone knows it's a terrible idea that won't work), in a space that nobody has ever given a shit about, apparently. Where we are now is super nice, modern, clean, well thought out, attractive, coordinated and nicely decorated, very well equipped with modern technology and goodies - a very pleasant place to work. The place we're moving to looks like it's not had a fresh coat of paint since the 80s, like all the office furniture was picked up at random garage sales, all the equipment is fucking garbage and completely inadequate, and it seems like literally nobody who has been occupying the space has ever even considered making it a pleasant space to work at all. This kind of thing really creates a lot of anxiety for the entire group. So here I am, stressed and kind of in mourning, and surrounded by 20 other stressed out, angry people who feel like they're getting the short end of the stick. Doesn't help that I'm close with the other third of my colleagues who aren't coming with us. Our department has existed forever, I've worked with some of these people for years and years, and we're all being split up.

That stressed me out on your behalf . . . And also made me angry.  Dealing with bureaucracies is so frustrating! 

njnancy

I've read a lot of this and I'm not sure if I ever posted. 

Lastexitlondon - you know that i have you in my thoughts always. 

You are not alone - I was diagnosed with panic disorder and clinical depression in my early 30's, had to leave my job on disability and took 2 years or more to stop drinking so I would be able to be properly diagnosed (have to be sober for 6 months). Thankfully I finally got sober - but I've been dealing with anxiety for 25 years now. I see a shrink and take medication. I did really well for a long time, while raising my son - but my brother's death, my long term dog's death and the abuser finally leaving after 10 years and moving in with a friend of my son's mom across the street, within 6 months was traumatic for my son and myself. I didn't feel it so badly then but he abused from outside of the home. 

I lost my sister and my son was taken from me and given to the abuser at the same time and that finally broke me after a year of trying to get someone to listen to me and see what was really happening. He even took me to court for child abuse. It was finally ruled as unfounded but my son didn't speak to me or see me for 5 years. I had my third breakdown. 

My son moved back home a year and a half ago and it is what I wanted more than anything but it has caused my PTSD that I developed over the past 5 years to get worse. Sadly, he is a trigger.. I have complex PTSD - continual trauma instead of one incident you keep reliving. My brain doesn't get a chance to heal because the trauma doesn't stop - it is ongoing. It has been hard with my son which is so sad, i love him so much. They messed him up big time. 

I don't leave the house, I can't access parts of my brain - like I can't read a book, which sucks since I have always been reading seversl books at once, since childhood.. My anxiety is horrible. I feel hopeless and like a failure most of the time. I miss appointments, miss concerts or events I have tickets to, order food online - because I don't feel safe going out to shop. The panic anxiety and PTSD anxiety are different and need different medication. i haven't been able to get a handle on the PTSD - it is all encompassing and I am unable to do most of anything because it terrifies me. And that makes me feel like a loser which feeds my depression. it is a vicious cycle. 

So I know how bad it can get - it seems useless and meaningless a lot of the time. But I intellectually know that things can be better, not like they used to be but the best me I can be. I'm just not there. 

Today was a bad day, holidays are anxiety filled days. 

I just typed a stream of consciousness so I don't know it it makes sense - but anxiety is real and crippling and I understand the despair it can cause. There are a lot of us and everyday is a challenge, but just because your brain is the organ that is damaged does not make the disease any less legitimate than a diabetic (pancreas) or a person with heart problems. The stigma is there but screw it. I know it's real and I don't have time for people who can't be bothered to educate themselves. I'm just hanging on some days, panicking over food shopping, so if someone doesn't understand I really don't have any room in my brain for ignorance. I've got enough shit going on in there. 

I think that whenver people share honestly and want to help each other it's safe. I wish this wasn't  so available to the interent, but if we don't reach out, we're just in our heads isolating and going over negative thoughts. So better to spew it. Depression and all anxiety diseases suck. I didn't ask for this, but I have it so I understand others who struggle with it. 

Hang on lastlondon - you are going to make it - you have been reaching out for awhile and that means you want to be better. I believe in you. 

brianlux

Holy crap, this sounds like WWAD,  World Wide Anxiety Day.

I'm right with you folks.  It's the 4th of July and fire works sound like guns to me and gun fire (and all other sudden loud noises) shott my anxiety through the roof.  Time to go get distracted, seriously distracted.

Best wishes to you all my friends.  Hang in there.

lastexitlondon

Im sitting here crying i have my phone appointment  in 2 hours  which will decide when i go in for colonoscopy.  I cant breathe feel sick and need the toilet. 
I know  whoever calls me will be kind but as i look at my 23 month old. With my 44th birthday in A week  and a who/ed gig tomorrow  .  Im scared . Im scared to death.  Years  ive had feelings of wanting it all to end. 
All i really want is peace.  No more hollow heart.  No more stomach wrenching .
No more  fear. 
I cant have that. A dutch friend said now i must put control in someone elses hands. 
Ive never done that

lastexitlondon

This had already cost a few  gigs and flights  and hotels. I dont care about money. Just that  the  beating i give myself is relentless  and others are saying  come on it will be fine.  You can do it.  Its ONLY nerves. 
WRONG. I will never book a gig in advance again. On the  day if i can i will go. But i wont plan anything  anymore. If i survive this cancer scare that is.

brianlux

lastexitlondon said:

This had already cost a few  gigs and flights  and hotels. I dont care about money. Just that  the  beating i give myself is relentless  and others are saying  come on it will be fine.  You can do it.  Its ONLY nerves. 
WRONG. I will never book a gig in advance again. On the  day if i can i will go. But i wont plan anything  anymore. If i survive this cancer scare that is.

Your right, my friend, what you're dealing with is hard.  Your friends who say, "you can do it!" have their hearts in the right place, they care, we care, I care.  But you know yourself better than anyone.  You and I are really the only ones who can tell ourselves, "yeah, I can do it."  I hope you get there. I can't make you to be OK, but I sure as heck can hope you do, with all my best.

If you get the time or the inclination, tell us how the show is.  Thank goodness for music!

camsjam

Try not to beat yourself up...you're dealing with alot now and as njnancy said people who haven't experienced these issues are not really able to understand how hard it is to make it through each day. Hopefully you can get seen right away and at least know what's happening. I will be sending healing thoughts to you.  Please hang in there and keep reaching out when you need to.

lastexitlondon

You guys are in my heart.

camsjam

lastexitlondon said:

You guys are in my heart.

And you are in all of ours Rob....we all wish the best for you.

Thoughts_Arrive

lastexitlondon said:

Im sitting here crying i have my phone appointment  in 2 hours  which will decide when i go in for colonoscopy.  I cant breathe feel sick and need the toilet. 
I know  whoever calls me will be kind but as i look at my 23 month old. With my 44th birthday in A week  and a who/ed gig tomorrow  .  Im scared . Im scared to death.  Years  ive had feelings of wanting it all to end. 
All i really want is peace.  No more hollow heart.  No more stomach wrenching .
No more  fear. 
I cant have that. A dutch friend said now i must put control in someone elses hands. 
Ive never done that

I had one of those last year. It's nothing scary if that helps in any way.

lastexitlondon

I guess it depends on the result and your symptoms

Thoughts_Arrive

lastexitlondon said:

I guess it depends on the result and your symptoms

I thought I had bowel cancer, lucky it was nothing. Was slightly anxious.

HughFreakingDillon

lastexitlondon said:

This had already cost a few  gigs and flights  and hotels. I dont care about money. Just that  the  beating i give myself is relentless  and others are saying  come on it will be fine.  You can do it.  Its ONLY nerves. 
WRONG. I will never book a gig in advance again. On the  day if i can i will go. But i wont plan anything  anymore. If i survive this cancer scare that is.

i keep telling myself I won't buy tickets in advance anymore either. so much stress leading up to the show. I skipped only a rare couple over the years, but it still sucked the life out of me leading up to the show. But now that I'm on the upswing, I can buy tickets in advance again. you'll get there. I know you don't think so, but you will. 

brianlux

lastexitlondon said:

I guess it depends on the result and your symptoms

Let us know how it goes, Rob.  Good thoughts going out to you!

lastexitlondon

Thank you brian.
Today  im going to see ED if it's  the last thing i do. 

oftenreading

lastexitlondon said:

Thank you brian.
Today  im going to see ED if it's  the last thing i do. 

Go get ‘em, Rob!!

lastexitlondon

oftenreading said:

lastexitlondon said:

Thank you brian.
Today  im going to see ED if it's  the last thing i do. 

Go get ‘em, Rob!!

This made me cry with pride. 
The day i tried to live is in my mind. 

stuckinline

lastexitlondon said:

Im sitting here crying i have my phone appointment  in 2 hours  which will decide when i go in for colonoscopy.  I cant breathe feel sick and need the toilet. 
I know  whoever calls me will be kind but as i look at my 23 month old. With my 44th birthday in A week  and a who/ed gig tomorrow  .  Im scared . Im scared to death.  Years  ive had feelings of wanting it all to end. 
All i really want is peace.  No more hollow heart.  No more stomach wrenching .
No more  fear. 
I cant have that. A dutch friend said now i must put control in someone elses hands. 
Ive never done that

lastexitlondon, congrats on getting front row at a show and holding Ed's hand!
Try not to get discouraged, hang in there until they can figure out what's going on.
Focus on your 23 month old, he/she needs you more than you know.
Keep us posted.