If you find yourself in a relationship with an abusive partner, you may wonder how you could have possibly gotten there. Most of the time, abusive partners gradually retain more and more control in the relationship and become more emotionally and physically abusive. Because of this progression, you are trained to tolerate more and more disrespect, until you are not sure how to handle domestic violence in the relationship.
Regaining Control
One of the first steps that you have to take is to educate yourself on what is appropriate behavior from your partner. Often, you become so accustomed to accepting disrespectful behavior and the manipulation involved that it makes you feel like you deserve it. When that happens, you have trouble recognizing what constitutes respect from another person. Once you learn to recognize inappropriate behavior for what it is, you are on your way to overcoming domestic violence.
The next step in how to handle domestic violence in relationships is to learn what words and consequences to use with the abusive partner. The abusive partner is accustomed to controlling every aspect of your life, and is 'rewarded' for his behavior with fear and submission from you. When you learn to recognize the disrespectful behavior, you can also learn to call it what it is and walk away, thus removing yourself from the situation.
The reason that this step is effective in learning how to handle domestic violence is that it gives the abuser negative reinforcement when he acts inappropriately. Since you walk away, there is no longer anyone to control, manipulate, or vent his anger on, so the abuser is forced to deal with his feelings of inadequacy. In addition, it gives you power and keeps you safe from harm by allowing you to tell the abuser for the first time what you will not tolerate in the relationship any longer.
By implementing these steps in the abusive relationship, you can learn how to handle domestic violence and regain control of your life. In addition, it gives the abuser a chance to make a change in his behavior to save the relationship.
Peace
*We CAN bomb the World to pieces, but we CAN'T bomb it into PEACE*...Michael Franti
*MUSIC IS the expression of EMOTION.....and that POLITICS IS merely the DECOY of PERCEPTION*
.....song_Music & Politics....Michael Franti
*The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite INSANE*....Nikola Tesla(a man who shaped our world of electricity with his futuristic inventions)
If you were to find out your sister was in an abusive relationship, would you:
A) Do nothing knowing full well that by doing nothing your sister COULD be killed by the abuser, or COULD wind up with a permanent type of PTSD making it impossible for her to ever trust anyone or live any kind of normal life?
OR
See A.
See how surveys are fun.
So, if you know that by not intervening, your sister COULD be further abused, or POSSIBLY killed, how do you not take the risk of doing something versus nothing when the consequences are likely the same?
Idaho's Premier Outdoor Writer
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If you were to find out your sister was in an abusive relationship, would you:
A) Do nothing knowing full well that by doing nothing your sister COULD be killed by the abuser, or COULD wind up with a permanent type of PTSD making it impossible for her to ever trust anyone or live any kind of normal life?
OR
See A.
See how surveys are fun.
So, if you know that by not intervening, your sister COULD be further abused, or POSSIBLY killed, how do you not take the risk of doing something versus nothing when the consequences are likely the same?
Checklist
Look over the following questions. Think about how you are being treated and how you treat your partner. Remember, when one person scares, hurts or continually puts down the other person, it’s abuse.
Does your partner
____ Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family?
____ Put down your accomplishments or goals?
____ Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions?
____ Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance?
____ Tell you that you are nothing without them?
____ Treat you roughly – grab, push, pinch, shove or hit you?
____ Call you several times a night or show up to make sure you are where you said you would be?
____ Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you?
____ Blame you for how they feel or act?
____ Pressure you sexually for things you aren’t ready for?
____ Make you feel like there “is no way out” of the relationship?
____ Prevent you from doing things you want – like spending time with your friends or family?
____ Try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to “teach you a lesson”?
Do You
____ Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act?
____ Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s behavior?
____ Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?
____ Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?
____ Feel like no matter what you do, your partner is never happy with you?
____ Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?
____ Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?
If any of these are happening in your relationship, talk to someone. Without some help, the abuse will continue.
Peace
*We CAN bomb the World to pieces, but we CAN'T bomb it into PEACE*...Michael Franti
*MUSIC IS the expression of EMOTION.....and that POLITICS IS merely the DECOY of PERCEPTION*
.....song_Music & Politics....Michael Franti
*The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite INSANE*....Nikola Tesla(a man who shaped our world of electricity with his futuristic inventions)
That's the second burn. And seriously, fire can be your friend in these situations. Has a tendency to destroy evidence. :shifty: You didn't hear that from me.
Idaho's Premier Outdoor Writer
Please Support My Writing Habit By Purchasing A Book:
That's the second burn. And seriously, fire can be your friend in these situations. Has a tendency to destroy evidence. :shifty: You didn't hear that from me.
you left out the option that he crawls into the nearest sewer and bleeds to death...
sent back to hell from which he came allowing the innocent to live free not in fear
No, I didn't. Please note my use of the word COULD. That means it's POSSIBLE.
I want to know whether people don't actually believe this is even a POSSIBLE consequence of the proposed response to the situation. (Option A)
If there is ANY POSSIBILITY WHATSOEVER that this COULD be the outcome of this response, then anyone who chooses to respond in this way is taking that RISK. (Option
No you didn't what? :?
I saw 'could and possible' but what is a given, if the abuser isn't stopped the violence will escalate
perhaps to a loved ones death.
I wrote this earlier a few pages back
If at the very beginning of this....when the abuser starts...
someone made it so very clear he would die if he did that again,
if he ever laid a hand on that women or child again he would die.
I personally think he would leave. He would find another victim.
For me that would be worth a try to save my loved one.
After living through this and knowing the outcome it would be worth a try.
It is this fear you speak of...what if he does worse damage... that has allowed men to continue to beat women.
This is what keeps people from becoming involved, keeps the abuser from being held accountable,
keeps him from being punished the way he punishes.
We have a society that allows the abusers to be free to continue to threaten and even kill.
I know the emotional scars do not heal. A little girl watching her mother beat long before conscious memory changes her for life.
All through life now, 43 years, there is never an answer to the trouble because she doesn't even know the question.
She is forever lost. I know this because this is my niece. There are innocents hurt because of this abuse,
she is worth the risk.
We will never know the woman she could have been because no one stopped her mothers abuser.
Another generation lost.
If you were to find out your sister was in an abusive relationship, would you:
A) Do nothing knowing full well that by doing nothing your sister COULD be killed by the abuser, or COULD wind up with a permanent type of PTSD making it impossible for her to ever trust anyone or live any kind of normal life?
OR
See A.
See how surveys are fun.
So, if you know that by not intervening, your sister COULD be further abused, or POSSIBLY killed, how do you not take the risk of doing something versus nothing when the consequences are likely the same?
Your sister is at risk for being killed whether you:
A) Do nothing. Do something, but not something violent.
C) Do something violent.
For one thing, no one is suggesting that the OP do nothing. There are other ways, which have been clearly elucidated here, to respond without using violence or threats. The idea that violence is THE ONLY answer - and if you don't use it you're doing nothing and therefore don't love your sister and would rather be a pussy and let her get killed - is a huge part of the problem here.
Secondly, we're dealing with risk, not certainties. So, yes, there's a risk that she could be killed if you don't use violence and there's a risk that she could be killed if you do use violence. The question is which puts her MORE at risk. I don't think either of us knows the answer to that for certain. I'm inclined to believe (and I think there's data to support, but I don't have it in front of me) that abusers are more likely to escalate their violence against the woman when they, themselves, are victimized. You'll probably say she's more at risk if you don't use violence because she'll just stay until she gets killed. But, again, you're ignoring option B, that you can help empower her to get out of the situation without taking the risk of escalating the situation first.
Third, and most importantly, if there is any risk to be taken with her life or safety, it is HER decision - not yours or anyone else's - what risks should be taken. SHE is the one who will have to suffer the consequences. SHE is the one who knows the situation better than anyone. And, as I thought was the point here, SHE should be respected, not disregarded, disempowered, and controlled.
you left out the option that he crawls into the nearest sewer and bleeds to death...
sent back to hell from which he came allowing the innocent to live free not in fear
No, I didn't. Please note my use of the word COULD. That means it's POSSIBLE.
I want to know whether people don't actually believe this is even a POSSIBLE consequence of the proposed response to the situation. (Option A)
If there is ANY POSSIBILITY WHATSOEVER that this COULD be the outcome of this response, then anyone who chooses to respond in this way is taking that RISK. (Option
No you didn't what? :?
No I didn't leave that part out. It was implicit in option B.
No, I didn't. Please note my use of the word COULD. That means it's POSSIBLE.
I want to know whether people don't actually believe this is even a POSSIBLE consequence of the proposed response to the situation. (Option A)
If there is ANY POSSIBILITY WHATSOEVER that this COULD be the outcome of this response, then anyone who chooses to respond in this way is taking that RISK. (Option
No you didn't what? :?
No I didn't leave that part out. It was implicit in option B.
this isn't part B right? ....you left out the option that he crawls into the nearest sewer and bleeds to death...
sent back to hell from which he came allowing the innocent to live free not in fear
that sounds nothing like your option B to me
cause in my survey its option C and he's obviously a dead piece of shit and will never hurt anyone ever again
i have 2 brothers. if we had a sister she would be amazing like the 3 of us. everyone knows better than to get stupid. i would like to see some dude or dudes be nasty with my (imaginary) sister. first of all they would walk on egg shells 24x7. 1 slip up of abuse and he is done. i would not ever let my sister become a victim like this. not ever. my brothers and myself, our father, and family friends... ever heard of a viking horde? my sister would be able to stomp ass.
one quick thing... the dude would have to be insane to be with my sister anyway. so maybe he is halfway scrappy?... we'd bury the bastard
hollywood machismo? whoever believes protecting loved ones is for films is fucked in the head.
this isn't part B right? ....you left out the option that he crawls into the nearest sewer and bleeds to death...
sent back to hell from which he came allowing the innocent to live free not in fear
that sounds nothing like your option B to me
cause in my survey its option C and he's obviously a dead piece of shit and will never hurt anyone ever again
Yes, it's still option B. You can't be 100% sure that you can control every violent situation. This is not the movies. You are still taking the risk that things don't go exactly as you planned and he ends up living, only to be more likely to kill your sister.
this isn't part B right? ....you left out the option that he crawls into the nearest sewer and bleeds to death...
sent back to hell from which he came allowing the innocent to live free not in fear
that sounds nothing like your option B to me
cause in my survey its option C and he's obviously a dead piece of shit and will never hurt anyone ever again
So regardless of whatever option is offered are you saying you would rather have this boyfriend/husband killed?
I can see very well you have your steadfast views on this debate and rightfully so you believe what you believe. In saying that I've done some research just to make sure what I've said here made some sense. In doing so in now 15 different DV sites and questions NOWHERE have I seen in my readings it says or suggests that VIOLENCE against the abuser is even an option much less one that is viable.
If you believe I'm making this up I ask you or anyone else please show me where inflicting violence against the abuser is the best or even an option that would make him leave and find another victim.
What happens if this abuser has guns and knives do you go in with a bigger gun and more force? Sometimes the best laid out, planned out combat missions go terrible wrong. These are professional soldiers who know how to secure an area and inflict tremendous force yet THEY can get it terribly wrong.
Why is that we think, you think a plan of inflicting punishment seeking justice to make him leave will be a viable answer? Take a look at some of the sites I posted above and there there're links to other DV questions.
Peace
*We CAN bomb the World to pieces, but we CAN'T bomb it into PEACE*...Michael Franti
*MUSIC IS the expression of EMOTION.....and that POLITICS IS merely the DECOY of PERCEPTION*
.....song_Music & Politics....Michael Franti
*The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite INSANE*....Nikola Tesla(a man who shaped our world of electricity with his futuristic inventions)
this isn't part B right? ....you left out the option that he crawls into the nearest sewer and bleeds to death...
sent back to hell from which he came allowing the innocent to live free not in fear
that sounds nothing like your option B to me
cause in my survey its option C and he's obviously a dead piece of shit and will never hurt anyone ever again
So regardless of whatever option is offered are you saying you would rather have this boyfriend/husband killed?
I can see very well you have your steadfast views on this debate and rightfully so you believe what you believe. In saying that I've done some research just to make sure what I've said here made some sense. In doing so in now 15 different DV sites and questions NOWHERE have I seen in my readings it says or suggests that VIOLENCE against the abuser is even an option much less one that is viable.
If you believe I'm making this up I ask you or anyone else please show me where inflicting violence against the abuser is the best or even an option that would make him leave and find another victim.
What happens if this abuser has guns and knives do you go in with a bigger gun and more force? Sometimes the best laid out, planned out combat missions go terrible wrong. These are professional soldiers who know how to secure an area and inflict tremendous force yet THEY can get it terribly wrong.
Why is that we think, you think a plan of inflicting punishment seeking justice to make him leave will be a viable answer? Take a look at some of the sites I posted above and there there're links to other DV questions.
Peace
thank you...
it would be so great if was just so simple as the abuser getting his ass kicked...however
i'd like to ask those that are in favor of beating or threatening the abuser....if it was merely as easy as having someone kick the abuser ass worked to make him leave & just go away forever? why is there such a need in every community for cops & justice system (ie.DV laws, protection orders) hotlines, shelters, volunteers, on-going counseling support etc, etc.
after all just kick his ass and he'll disappear....except that just doesn't work. it's not any kind of viable solution no matter how much some would like to believe it to be
brothers are bodyguards to their sisters and brothers. you frickin protect one another. pj20 camping party. stupid shit flares up. i would not leave any of you. protect mankind. fuck.... you better have my back or it will not ever work. it's like that. solid as shit.
now stop being crazy. what is wrong with you?
some of y'all are drinking way to much straight alcohol and spreading your intoxications on here.
brothers are bodyguards to their sisters and brothers. you frickin protect one another. pj20 camping party. stupid shit flares up. i would not leave any of you. protect mankind. fuck.... you better have my back or it will not ever work. it's like that. solid as shit.
now stop being crazy. what is wrong with you?
some of y'all are drinking way to much straight alcohol and spreading your intoxications on here.
My sister has been in two physically,emotionally and psychologically abuse marriages.I also work with vulnerable women,most who are in extremely abusive relationships.
In my experience no one can make them leave for good until they are ready to do it for themselves.All you can do is always let your sister know that you love her and will be there for her should she need you.
My thoughts and hope goes to your sister,you and everyone involved who are hurting.
“There should be a place where only the things you want to happen, happen”
brothers are bodyguards to their sisters and brothers. you frickin protect one another. pj20 camping party. stupid shit flares up. i would not leave any of you. protect mankind. fuck.... you better have my back or it will not ever work. it's like that. solid as shit.
now stop being crazy. what is wrong with you?
some of y'all are drinking way to much straight alcohol and spreading your intoxications on here.
this isn't part B right? ....you left out the option that he crawls into the nearest sewer and bleeds to death...
sent back to hell from which he came allowing the innocent to live free not in fear
that sounds nothing like your option B to me
cause in my survey its option C and he's obviously a dead piece of shit and will never hurt anyone ever again
Yes, it's still option B. You can't be 100% sure that you can control every violent situation. This is not the movies. You are still taking the risk that things don't go exactly as you planned and he ends up living, only to be more likely to kill your sister.
ah but in the movies he lives and wears a mask and goes on a rampage
more likely in real life as I said first strike to your loved one the rules are set.
not acceptable...no tippy toeing around
his own medicine he gets
he'll move on to an easier victim
it's all about victimizing and controlling if he can't control he'll find an easier prey
your scenario there is more time to get fixated on the victim..take over her life...make her dependent
then he will not leave and if she gets strong enough to try to get herself free if he was gonna kill he'll hunt her down and do it because that is much worse to have her decide to leave.
Much better a strong male presence tells him to move along at first strike.
Families must protect each other.
this isn't part B right? ....you left out the option that he crawls into the nearest sewer and bleeds to death...
sent back to hell from which he came allowing the innocent to live free not in fear
that sounds nothing like your option B to me
cause in my survey its option C and he's obviously a dead piece of shit and will never hurt anyone ever again
Yes, it's still option B. You can't be 100% sure that you can control every violent situation. This is not the movies. You are still taking the risk that things don't go exactly as you planned and he ends up living, only to be more likely to kill your sister.
ah but in the movies he lives and wears a mask and goes on a rampage
more likely in real life as I said first strike to your loved one the rules are set.
not acceptable...no tippy toeing around
his own medicine he gets
he'll move on to an easier victim
it's all about victimizing and controlling if he can't control he'll find an easier prey
your scenario there is more time to get fixated on the victim..take over her life...make her dependent
then he will not leave and if she gets strong enough to try to get herself free if he was gonna kill he'll hunt her down and do it because that is much worse to have her decide to leave.
Much better a strong male presence tells him to move along at first strike.
Families must protect each other.
you do realize the fact that by the time the first strike comes he's already been mentally/ emotionally abusing & controlling her for a very looong time. by that point she's so pyschologically beat down & embarrassed that she will NOT tell her family that he's has been hitting her.
that's why women become so adept at covering the bruises or making excuses for them when family members confront her about it. oh it's nothing...silly me, i tripped on the steps....or yeah it's hot but i love wearing this hoodie...
the family only finds out when she can no longer explain away or hide the physical marks, her change of demeanor & withdrawl from friends/family anymore
this isn't part B right? ....you left out the option that he crawls into the nearest sewer and bleeds to death...
sent back to hell from which he came allowing the innocent to live free not in fear
that sounds nothing like your option B to me
cause in my survey its option C and he's obviously a dead piece of shit and will never hurt anyone ever again
Yes, it's still option B. You can't be 100% sure that you can control every violent situation. This is not the movies. You are still taking the risk that things don't go exactly as you planned and he ends up living, only to be more likely to kill your sister.
ah but in the movies he lives and wears a mask and goes on a rampage
more likely in real life as I said first strike to your loved one the rules are set.
not acceptable...no tippy toeing around
his own medicine he gets
he'll move on to an easier victim
it's all about victimizing and controlling if he can't control he'll find an easier prey
your scenario there is more time to get fixated on the victim..take over her life...make her dependent
then he will not leave and if she gets strong enough to try to get herself free if he was gonna kill he'll hunt her down and do it because that is much worse to have her decide to leave.
Much better a strong male presence tells him to move along at first strike.
Families must protect each other.
First of all, you're contradicting yourself. You just said in your last post that he would/should be KILLED. That was your justification for putting your sister's life in further danger - that it wouldn't be in further danger because he would be dead. Now you're saying he'll be alive to move on to another victim. That takes us back to the original point - you're making the decision to possibly cause greater risk to your sister's life.
Secondly, please show us, as has been asked already, where all (or even any) of the experts on domestic violence agree that your plan is what's best for the victim. Because that's what we all want here - what's best for the victim. If your plan were really the best course of action, this is what would be happening.
Once again, you make it sound just like the movies - like you or whatever tough guy would be sure to be in complete control of the situation. This is just the kind of attitude that gets innocent people killed and I, for one, would feel less safe (and less respected) if I were being abused and my family behaved this way. Now that g under p has given us the opportunity to see violence from the perspective of someone who is an expert in the subject, I think I'll take his advice about how these situations can turn out regardless of how tough someone thinks he is.
this isn't part B right? ....you left out the option that he crawls into the nearest sewer and bleeds to death...
sent back to hell from which he came allowing the innocent to live free not in fear
that sounds nothing like your option B to me
cause in my survey its option C and he's obviously a dead piece of shit and will never hurt anyone ever again
Yes, it's still option B. You can't be 100% sure that you can control every violent situation. This is not the movies. You are still taking the risk that things don't go exactly as you planned and he ends up living, only to be more likely to kill your sister.
ah but in the movies he lives and wears a mask and goes on a rampage
more likely in real life as I said first strike to your loved one the rules are set.
not acceptable...no tippy toeing around
his own medicine he gets
he'll move on to an easier victim
it's all about victimizing and controlling if he can't control he'll find an easier prey
your scenario there is more time to get fixated on the victim..take over her life...make her dependent
then he will not leave and if she gets strong enough to try to get herself free if he was gonna kill he'll hunt her down and do it because that is much worse to have her decide to leave.
Much better a strong male presence tells him to move along at first strike.
Families must protect each other.
It's not acceptable whether it's the first strike or the last. I'll ask you in these DV situations do you or anyone else ever find out or are told on the *first strike*?
Just yesterday I found out a cousin of mine was abused through hair pulling and slaps. This is a college professor, BU/Harvard graduate, own her home outright, independent woman with an autistic child. Seems easy to tell someone or just kick him out of her own house. Even though engaged to him she did absolutely nothing and said nothing at the time. She spoke up only after he dissappeared when a warrant was sent out for his arrest for an unrelated incident.
My research in this matter continues....what I'm saying is it's not always so simple to know or find out when that *first strike* is going to come across your ears. You will hear it many times over the victim has to be the one to step forward when they need DV help even from her own family.
peace
*We CAN bomb the World to pieces, but we CAN'T bomb it into PEACE*...Michael Franti
*MUSIC IS the expression of EMOTION.....and that POLITICS IS merely the DECOY of PERCEPTION*
.....song_Music & Politics....Michael Franti
*The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite INSANE*....Nikola Tesla(a man who shaped our world of electricity with his futuristic inventions)
you do realize the fact that by the time the first strike comes he's already been mentally/ emotionally abusing & controlling her for a very looong time. by that point she's so pyschologically beat down & embarrassed that she will NOT tell her family that he's has been hitting her.
that's why women become so adept at covering the bruises or making excuses for them when family members confront her about it. oh it's nothing...silly me, i tripped on the steps....or yeah it's hot but i love wearing this hoodie...
the family only finds out when she can no longer explain away or hide the physical marks, her change of demeanor & withdrawl from friends/family anymore
not in the op's case, she has hope and the family acted quickly and got her to grandpas
I don't think this girl will stay with this guy. She'll be one of the lucky ones
whose family acted quickly,hopefully.
not in my sisters case either
many DV cases begin with a loss of temper that escalates
and that often first shows in the early part of relationships
and often family members do know or suspect, but they are afraid.
What we are doing to conquer this injustice to women is not working, obviously.
The abuser continues because we as a society let him. We are afraid of him and what he may do to a victim,
when he is already doing it.
Maybe you don't like vigilantism...
I'm more inclined to say use the power of choice God gave us
to protect the people we love, most especially the children.
In my opinion classic abusers are worse than serial killers, worse than the thug who kills for a wallet,
they are pure evil and they get away with what they do. And teach a new generation of bullies and abusers.
I admire the men here who will stand up to them. I know if my daughter was brutalized my son would not hesitate, neither would his friends and the abuser would be on his way or dead. My son would gladly give up his life for his sister, this is how he loves. He would go to prison if it meant her to be free. And I would be very proud of him.
This is what good men do, they protect, this is their love for us.
Real men don't endanger the lives of the people they love because they're incapable of or unwilling to resolve problems without violence. With friends like these, who needs enemies?
you do realize the fact that by the time the first strike comes he's already been mentally/ emotionally abusing & controlling her for a very looong time. by that point she's so pyschologically beat down & embarrassed that she will NOT tell her family that he's has been hitting her.
that's why women become so adept at covering the bruises or making excuses for them when family members confront her about it. oh it's nothing...silly me, i tripped on the steps....or yeah it's hot but i love wearing this hoodie...
the family only finds out when she can no longer explain away or hide the physical marks, her change of demeanor & withdrawl from friends/family anymore
not in the op's case, she has hope and the family acted quickly and got her to grandpas
I don't think this girl will stay with this guy. She'll be one of the lucky ones
whose family acted quickly,hopefully.
not in my sisters case either
many DV cases begin with a loss of temper that escalates
and that often first shows in the early part of relationships
and often family members do know or suspect, but they are afraid.
What we are doing to conquer this injustice to women is not working, obviously.
The abuser continues because we as a society let him. We are afraid of him and what he may do to a victim,
when he is already doing it.
Maybe you don't like vigilantism...
I'm more inclined to say use the power of choice God gave us
to protect the people we love, most especially the children.
In my opinion classic abusers are worse than serial killers, worse than the thug who kills for a wallet,
they are pure evil and they get away with what they do. And teach a new generation of bullies and abusers.
I admire the men here who will stand up to them. I know if my daughter was brutalized my son would not hesitate, neither would his friends and the abuser would be on his way or dead. My son would gladly give up his life for his sister, this is how he loves. He would go to prison if it meant her to be free. And I would be very proud of him.
This is what good men do, they protect, this is their love for us.
Interesting, IF your son LOVES like THAT be careful he's not going to be a controlling violent abuser himself. IF it did turn out he was such an abuser then what or how would you then resolve this problem with more violence against your own son?
Peace
Post edited by g under p on
*We CAN bomb the World to pieces, but we CAN'T bomb it into PEACE*...Michael Franti
*MUSIC IS the expression of EMOTION.....and that POLITICS IS merely the DECOY of PERCEPTION*
.....song_Music & Politics....Michael Franti
*The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite INSANE*....Nikola Tesla(a man who shaped our world of electricity with his futuristic inventions)
i wrote out a long response but paused, got logged out & lost it
i'm not going to retype it because i'm getting too emotionally upset with those under the misconception that having friends or family members use violence against the abuser will end a DV situation...that it'll make the abuser just... leave.
as a survior & someone that has volunteered to help other women & children in DV situation ....i'll just say... you have no idea how fucking much i wish it was just that simple...if it was truly a viable option it would've saved me & many other DV surviors alot of struggles...and be recomended by experts in DV...i sure never was taught in DV voulteer training that it's a viable solution
it is not. the facts are it only makes things WORSE
i had to be the one to take my kids & leave him. that or a woman has to take the to use legal means to make him leave. as is the case for all women that want to sucessfully get out of a DV relationship she must learn how to take the steps to stand up to him & never go back....& to do that she has to be the one to break the cycle of violence....
if her friends & family use violence against the abuser....her loved one have just proven to her that that violence is an exceptable way of life...and the cycle continues... as she moves on to the next abusive man/relationship
hey, im a private person and would never air out my family's business but i've reached my end ... my sister is in a mentally and physically abusive relationship and there isnt even a damn thing that I or any of my siblings can do about it.... we even sent her down texas with our grandpop just so she could get away and re-evaulate her life and escape the asshole she's with...it's been 5 days and already she's threatening to hitchhike back to philly if we dont buy her airfare back asap... at this point i've pretty much given up and say fuck her ...she gets beat again its by her choice ... sounds fucked up that i feel that way but hey it's the truth. i know where this guy lives and know where he works ... but whats that gonna solve ? jailtime for me and loss of wife and house. the worst part is my older sister went through this same path until eventually she reached her breaking point ... is that what it's going to take for my younger sister ? sorry to put this shit out here but im searching for some kind of answer ...
Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
Domestic violence is such a complicated dynamic. Many abusers were victims at one time...they just have such an inability to feel any sense of vulnerability ever again that they swing to the complete other side of the spectrum and become abusive. It's that wounded part of them that many of their victims connect with...and feel a need to take care of and protect. So I think in a lot of situations victimizing the abuser would result in their victim feeling even more aligned with them. Ultimately seems like everyone agrees the victim/survivor needs A LOT of support. They need to know that what is happening is wrong (cause so many of them have learned to minimize it...that's part of the brainwashing of abuse), and that it is not their fault (because so many of them are totally convinced that they are responsible for their abuser's every mood and emotion)...and they need to be empowered to leave (rather than having their power taken away by someone else making choices for them) by having people help remove whatever obstacles there are to leaving and knowing that they have support no matter what. And I never thought I'd say this...but I'm pretty sure if I need someone's ass kicked I'm calling Pandora
"I need your strength for me to be strong...I need your love to feel loved"
Domestic violence is such a complicated dynamic. Many abusers were victims at one time...they just have such an inability to feel any sense of vulnerability ever again that they swing to the complete other side of the spectrum and become abusive. It's that wounded part of them that many of their victims connect with...and feel a need to take care of and protect. So I think in a lot of situations victimizing the abuser would result in their victim feeling even more aligned with them. Ultimately seems like everyone agrees the victim/survivor needs A LOT of support. They need to know that what is happening is wrong (cause so many of them have learned to minimize it...that's part of the brainwashing of abuse), and that it is not their fault (because so many of them are totally convinced that they are responsible for their abuser's every mood and emotion)...and they need to be empowered to leave (rather than having their power taken away by someone else making choices for them) by having people help remove whatever obstacles there are to leaving and knowing that they have support no matter what. And I never thought I'd say this...but I'm pretty sure if I need someone's ass kicked I'm calling Pandora
Well put comebackgirl....oh and don't forget her posse.
Peace
*We CAN bomb the World to pieces, but we CAN'T bomb it into PEACE*...Michael Franti
*MUSIC IS the expression of EMOTION.....and that POLITICS IS merely the DECOY of PERCEPTION*
.....song_Music & Politics....Michael Franti
*The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite INSANE*....Nikola Tesla(a man who shaped our world of electricity with his futuristic inventions)
Interesting, IF your son LOVES like THAT be careful he's not going to be a controlling violent abuser himself. IF it did turn out he was such an abuser then what or how would you then resolve this problem with more violence against your own son?
Peace
Wow where did that come from?...that is just wrong g under p.... I thought YOU were better than that!
Your horrible post....I won't dignify with an answer
Comments
12 Teaching Scenarios: Responding to Rape, Domestic Violence, and Child Abuse
http://ezinearticles.com/?How-to-Handle ... id=3742726
Peace
*MUSIC IS the expression of EMOTION.....and that POLITICS IS merely the DECOY of PERCEPTION*
.....song_Music & Politics....Michael Franti
*The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite INSANE*....Nikola Tesla(a man who shaped our world of electricity with his futuristic inventions)
If you were to find out your sister was in an abusive relationship, would you:
A) Do nothing knowing full well that by doing nothing your sister COULD be killed by the abuser, or COULD wind up with a permanent type of PTSD making it impossible for her to ever trust anyone or live any kind of normal life?
OR
See how surveys are fun.
So, if you know that by not intervening, your sister COULD be further abused, or POSSIBLY killed, how do you not take the risk of doing something versus nothing when the consequences are likely the same?
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A) Who would do nothing in this scenerio?
Helpful Statistics and research on domestic abuse
This at the end of this article...
Checklist
Look over the following questions. Think about how you are being treated and how you treat your partner. Remember, when one person scares, hurts or continually puts down the other person, it’s abuse.
Does your partner
____ Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family?
____ Put down your accomplishments or goals?
____ Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions?
____ Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance?
____ Tell you that you are nothing without them?
____ Treat you roughly – grab, push, pinch, shove or hit you?
____ Call you several times a night or show up to make sure you are where you said you would be?
____ Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you?
____ Blame you for how they feel or act?
____ Pressure you sexually for things you aren’t ready for?
____ Make you feel like there “is no way out” of the relationship?
____ Prevent you from doing things you want – like spending time with your friends or family?
____ Try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to “teach you a lesson”?
Do You
____ Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act?
____ Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s behavior?
____ Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?
____ Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?
____ Feel like no matter what you do, your partner is never happy with you?
____ Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?
____ Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?
If any of these are happening in your relationship, talk to someone. Without some help, the abuse will continue.
Peace
*MUSIC IS the expression of EMOTION.....and that POLITICS IS merely the DECOY of PERCEPTION*
.....song_Music & Politics....Michael Franti
*The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite INSANE*....Nikola Tesla(a man who shaped our world of electricity with his futuristic inventions)
are you saying send him to hell, ja?
"what a long, strange trip it's been"
That's the second burn. And seriously, fire can be your friend in these situations. Has a tendency to destroy evidence. :shifty: You didn't hear that from me.
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hell yes
i mean HELL yes
and you are right
this guy IS a coward
i think he needs some "deliverance"
"what a long, strange trip it's been"
No you didn't what? :?
I saw 'could and possible' but what is a given, if the abuser isn't stopped the violence will escalate
perhaps to a loved ones death.
I wrote this earlier a few pages back
If at the very beginning of this....when the abuser starts...
someone made it so very clear he would die if he did that again,
if he ever laid a hand on that women or child again he would die.
I personally think he would leave. He would find another victim.
For me that would be worth a try to save my loved one.
After living through this and knowing the outcome it would be worth a try.
It is this fear you speak of...what if he does worse damage... that has allowed men to continue to beat women.
This is what keeps people from becoming involved, keeps the abuser from being held accountable,
keeps him from being punished the way he punishes.
We have a society that allows the abusers to be free to continue to threaten and even kill.
I know the emotional scars do not heal. A little girl watching her mother beat long before conscious memory changes her for life.
All through life now, 43 years, there is never an answer to the trouble because she doesn't even know the question.
She is forever lost. I know this because this is my niece. There are innocents hurt because of this abuse,
she is worth the risk.
We will never know the woman she could have been because no one stopped her mothers abuser.
Another generation lost.
Time to fight back.
Your sister is at risk for being killed whether you:
A) Do nothing.
C) Do something violent.
For one thing, no one is suggesting that the OP do nothing. There are other ways, which have been clearly elucidated here, to respond without using violence or threats. The idea that violence is THE ONLY answer - and if you don't use it you're doing nothing and therefore don't love your sister and would rather be a pussy and let her get killed - is a huge part of the problem here.
Secondly, we're dealing with risk, not certainties. So, yes, there's a risk that she could be killed if you don't use violence and there's a risk that she could be killed if you do use violence. The question is which puts her MORE at risk. I don't think either of us knows the answer to that for certain. I'm inclined to believe (and I think there's data to support, but I don't have it in front of me) that abusers are more likely to escalate their violence against the woman when they, themselves, are victimized. You'll probably say she's more at risk if you don't use violence because she'll just stay until she gets killed. But, again, you're ignoring option B, that you can help empower her to get out of the situation without taking the risk of escalating the situation first.
Third, and most importantly, if there is any risk to be taken with her life or safety, it is HER decision - not yours or anyone else's - what risks should be taken. SHE is the one who will have to suffer the consequences. SHE is the one who knows the situation better than anyone. And, as I thought was the point here, SHE should be respected, not disregarded, disempowered, and controlled.
No I didn't leave that part out. It was implicit in option B.
sent back to hell from which he came allowing the innocent to live free not in fear
that sounds nothing like your option B to me
cause in my survey its option C and he's obviously a dead piece of shit and will never hurt anyone ever again
one quick thing... the dude would have to be insane to be with my sister anyway. so maybe he is halfway scrappy?... we'd bury the bastard
hollywood machismo? whoever believes protecting loved ones is for films is fucked in the head.
"Hear me, my chiefs!
I am tired; my heart is
sick and sad. From where
the sun stands I will fight
no more forever."
Chief Joseph - Nez Perce
Yes, it's still option B. You can't be 100% sure that you can control every violent situation. This is not the movies. You are still taking the risk that things don't go exactly as you planned and he ends up living, only to be more likely to kill your sister.
So regardless of whatever option is offered are you saying you would rather have this boyfriend/husband killed?
I can see very well you have your steadfast views on this debate and rightfully so you believe what you believe. In saying that I've done some research just to make sure what I've said here made some sense. In doing so in now 15 different DV sites and questions NOWHERE have I seen in my readings it says or suggests that VIOLENCE against the abuser is even an option much less one that is viable.
If you believe I'm making this up I ask you or anyone else please show me where inflicting violence against the abuser is the best or even an option that would make him leave and find another victim.
What happens if this abuser has guns and knives do you go in with a bigger gun and more force? Sometimes the best laid out, planned out combat missions go terrible wrong. These are professional soldiers who know how to secure an area and inflict tremendous force yet THEY can get it terribly wrong.
Why is that we think, you think a plan of inflicting punishment seeking justice to make him leave will be a viable answer? Take a look at some of the sites I posted above and there there're links to other DV questions.
Peace
*MUSIC IS the expression of EMOTION.....and that POLITICS IS merely the DECOY of PERCEPTION*
.....song_Music & Politics....Michael Franti
*The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite INSANE*....Nikola Tesla(a man who shaped our world of electricity with his futuristic inventions)
thank you...
it would be so great if was just so simple as the abuser getting his ass kicked...however
i'd like to ask those that are in favor of beating or threatening the abuser....if it was merely as easy as having someone kick the abuser ass worked to make him leave & just go away forever? why is there such a need in every community for cops & justice system (ie.DV laws, protection orders) hotlines, shelters, volunteers, on-going counseling support etc, etc.
after all just kick his ass and he'll disappear....except that just doesn't work. it's not any kind of viable solution no matter how much some would like to believe it to be
angels share laughter
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
now stop being crazy. what is wrong with you?
some of y'all are drinking way to much straight alcohol and spreading your intoxications on here.
"Hear me, my chiefs!
I am tired; my heart is
sick and sad. From where
the sun stands I will fight
no more forever."
Chief Joseph - Nez Perce
not yet, gimmie 20 minutes
In my experience no one can make them leave for good until they are ready to do it for themselves.All you can do is always let your sister know that you love her and will be there for her should she need you.
My thoughts and hope goes to your sister,you and everyone involved who are hurting.
the crazy train.
all aboard..... (hear ozzy?)
"Hear me, my chiefs!
I am tired; my heart is
sick and sad. From where
the sun stands I will fight
no more forever."
Chief Joseph - Nez Perce
more likely in real life as I said first strike to your loved one the rules are set.
not acceptable...no tippy toeing around
his own medicine he gets
he'll move on to an easier victim
it's all about victimizing and controlling if he can't control he'll find an easier prey
your scenario there is more time to get fixated on the victim..take over her life...make her dependent
then he will not leave and if she gets strong enough to try to get herself free if he was gonna kill he'll hunt her down and do it because that is much worse to have her decide to leave.
Much better a strong male presence tells him to move along at first strike.
Families must protect each other.
you do realize the fact that by the time the first strike comes he's already been mentally/ emotionally abusing & controlling her for a very looong time. by that point she's so pyschologically beat down & embarrassed that she will NOT tell her family that he's has been hitting her.
that's why women become so adept at covering the bruises or making excuses for them when family members confront her about it. oh it's nothing...silly me, i tripped on the steps....or yeah it's hot but i love wearing this hoodie...
the family only finds out when she can no longer explain away or hide the physical marks, her change of demeanor & withdrawl from friends/family anymore
angels share laughter
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
First of all, you're contradicting yourself. You just said in your last post that he would/should be KILLED. That was your justification for putting your sister's life in further danger - that it wouldn't be in further danger because he would be dead. Now you're saying he'll be alive to move on to another victim. That takes us back to the original point - you're making the decision to possibly cause greater risk to your sister's life.
Secondly, please show us, as has been asked already, where all (or even any) of the experts on domestic violence agree that your plan is what's best for the victim. Because that's what we all want here - what's best for the victim. If your plan were really the best course of action, this is what would be happening.
Once again, you make it sound just like the movies - like you or whatever tough guy would be sure to be in complete control of the situation. This is just the kind of attitude that gets innocent people killed and I, for one, would feel less safe (and less respected) if I were being abused and my family behaved this way. Now that g under p has given us the opportunity to see violence from the perspective of someone who is an expert in the subject, I think I'll take his advice about how these situations can turn out regardless of how tough someone thinks he is.
It's not acceptable whether it's the first strike or the last. I'll ask you in these DV situations do you or anyone else ever find out or are told on the *first strike*?
Just yesterday I found out a cousin of mine was abused through hair pulling and slaps. This is a college professor, BU/Harvard graduate, own her home outright, independent woman with an autistic child. Seems easy to tell someone or just kick him out of her own house. Even though engaged to him she did absolutely nothing and said nothing at the time. She spoke up only after he dissappeared when a warrant was sent out for his arrest for an unrelated incident.
My research in this matter continues....what I'm saying is it's not always so simple to know or find out when that *first strike* is going to come across your ears. You will hear it many times over the victim has to be the one to step forward when they need DV help even from her own family.
peace
*MUSIC IS the expression of EMOTION.....and that POLITICS IS merely the DECOY of PERCEPTION*
.....song_Music & Politics....Michael Franti
*The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite INSANE*....Nikola Tesla(a man who shaped our world of electricity with his futuristic inventions)
I don't think this girl will stay with this guy. She'll be one of the lucky ones
whose family acted quickly,hopefully.
not in my sisters case either
many DV cases begin with a loss of temper that escalates
and that often first shows in the early part of relationships
and often family members do know or suspect, but they are afraid.
What we are doing to conquer this injustice to women is not working, obviously.
The abuser continues because we as a society let him. We are afraid of him and what he may do to a victim,
when he is already doing it.
Maybe you don't like vigilantism...
I'm more inclined to say use the power of choice God gave us
to protect the people we love, most especially the children.
In my opinion classic abusers are worse than serial killers, worse than the thug who kills for a wallet,
they are pure evil and they get away with what they do. And teach a new generation of bullies and abusers.
I admire the men here who will stand up to them. I know if my daughter was brutalized my son would not hesitate, neither would his friends and the abuser would be on his way or dead. My son would gladly give up his life for his sister, this is how he loves. He would go to prison if it meant her to be free. And I would be very proud of him.
This is what good men do, they protect, this is their love for us.
Interesting, IF your son LOVES like THAT be careful he's not going to be a controlling violent abuser himself. IF it did turn out he was such an abuser then what or how would you then resolve this problem with more violence against your own son?
Peace
*MUSIC IS the expression of EMOTION.....and that POLITICS IS merely the DECOY of PERCEPTION*
.....song_Music & Politics....Michael Franti
*The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite INSANE*....Nikola Tesla(a man who shaped our world of electricity with his futuristic inventions)
i'm not going to retype it because i'm getting too emotionally upset with those under the misconception that having friends or family members use violence against the abuser will end a DV situation...that it'll make the abuser just... leave.
as a survior & someone that has volunteered to help other women & children in DV situation ....i'll just say... you have no idea how fucking much i wish it was just that simple...if it was truly a viable option it would've saved me & many other DV surviors alot of struggles...and be recomended by experts in DV...i sure never was taught in DV voulteer training that it's a viable solution
it is not. the facts are it only makes things WORSE
i had to be the one to take my kids & leave him. that or a woman has to take the to use legal means to make him leave. as is the case for all women that want to sucessfully get out of a DV relationship she must learn how to take the steps to stand up to him & never go back....& to do that she has to be the one to break the cycle of violence....
if her friends & family use violence against the abuser....her loved one have just proven to her that that violence is an exceptable way of life...and the cycle continues... as she moves on to the next abusive man/relationship
angels share laughter
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"I need your strength for me to be strong...I need your love to feel loved"
Well put comebackgirl....oh and don't forget her posse.
Peace
*MUSIC IS the expression of EMOTION.....and that POLITICS IS merely the DECOY of PERCEPTION*
.....song_Music & Politics....Michael Franti
*The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite INSANE*....Nikola Tesla(a man who shaped our world of electricity with his futuristic inventions)
Your horrible post....I won't dignify with an answer
but I take it you don't have kids...