Sister is in a Abusive relationship ...

g under p

Some may want to read some of this I only hope this will help. I believe #7 and #11 sort pertains to what we have been speaking about here....

12 Teaching Scenarios: Responding to Rape, Domestic Violence, and Child Abuse



http://ezinearticles.com/?How-to-Handle ... id=3742726

If you find yourself in a relationship with an abusive partner, you may wonder how you could have possibly gotten there. Most of the time, abusive partners gradually retain more and more control in the relationship and become more emotionally and physically abusive. Because of this progression, you are trained to tolerate more and more disrespect, until you are not sure how to handle domestic violence in the relationship.

Regaining Control

One of the first steps that you have to take is to educate yourself on what is appropriate behavior from your partner. Often, you become so accustomed to accepting disrespectful behavior and the manipulation involved that it makes you feel like you deserve it. When that happens, you have trouble recognizing what constitutes respect from another person. Once you learn to recognize inappropriate behavior for what it is, you are on your way to overcoming domestic violence.

The next step in how to handle domestic violence in relationships is to learn what words and consequences to use with the abusive partner. The abusive partner is accustomed to controlling every aspect of your life, and is 'rewarded' for his behavior with fear and submission from you. When you learn to recognize the disrespectful behavior, you can also learn to call it what it is and walk away, thus removing yourself from the situation.

The reason that this step is effective in learning how to handle domestic violence is that it gives the abuser negative reinforcement when he acts inappropriately. Since you walk away, there is no longer anyone to control, manipulate, or vent his anger on, so the abuser is forced to deal with his feelings of inadequacy. In addition, it gives you power and keeps you safe from harm by allowing you to tell the abuser for the first time what you will not tolerate in the relationship any longer.

By implementing these steps in the abusive relationship, you can learn how to handle domestic violence and regain control of your life. In addition, it gives the abuser a chance to make a change in his behavior to save the relationship.

Peace

eyedclaar

I have a survey too.

If you were to find out your sister was in an abusive relationship, would you:

A) Do nothing knowing full well that by doing nothing your sister COULD be killed by the abuser, or COULD wind up with a permanent type of PTSD making it impossible for her to ever trust anyone or live any kind of normal life?

OR

See A.

See how surveys are fun.

So, if you know that by not intervening, your sister COULD be further abused, or POSSIBLY killed, how do you not take the risk of doing something versus nothing when the consequences are likely the same?

g under p

eyedclaar wrote:

I have a survey too.

If you were to find out your sister was in an abusive relationship, would you:

A) Do nothing knowing full well that by doing nothing your sister COULD be killed by the abuser, or COULD wind up with a permanent type of PTSD making it impossible for her to ever trust anyone or live any kind of normal life?

OR

See A.

See how surveys are fun.

So, if you know that by not intervening, your sister COULD be further abused, or POSSIBLY killed, how do you not take the risk of doing something versus nothing when the consequences are likely the same?

A) Who would do nothing in this scenerio?

It depends on what risk that *something* is.

Helpful Statistics and research on domestic abuse

This at the end of this article...

Checklist
Look over the following questions. Think about how you are being treated and how you treat your partner. Remember, when one person scares, hurts or continually puts down the other person, it’s abuse.

Does your partner
____ Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family?

____ Put down your accomplishments or goals?

____ Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions?

____ Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance?

____ Tell you that you are nothing without them?

____ Treat you roughly – grab, push, pinch, shove or hit you?

____ Call you several times a night or show up to make sure you are where you said you would be?

____ Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you?

____ Blame you for how they feel or act?

____ Pressure you sexually for things you aren’t ready for?

____ Make you feel like there “is no way out” of the relationship?

____ Prevent you from doing things you want – like spending time with your friends or family?

____ Try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to “teach you a lesson”?

Do You
____ Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act?

____ Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s behavior?

____ Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?

____ Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?

____ Feel like no matter what you do, your partner is never happy with you?

____ Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?

____ Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?

If any of these are happening in your relationship, talk to someone. Without some help, the abuse will continue.



Peace

mysticweed

johnny america wrote:

Kill him with fire.

are you saying send him to hell, ja?

eyedclaar

chickweed wrote:

johnny america wrote:

Kill him with fire.

are you saying send him to hell, ja?

That's the second burn. And seriously, fire can be your friend in these situations. Has a tendency to destroy evidence. :shifty: You didn't hear that from me.

mysticweed

eyedclaar wrote:

chickweed wrote:

johnny america wrote:

Kill him with fire.

are you saying send him to hell, ja?

That's the second burn. And seriously, fire can be your friend in these situations. Has a tendency to destroy evidence. :shifty: You didn't hear that from me.

hell yes
i mean HELL yes

and you are right
this guy IS a coward

i think he needs some "deliverance"

pandora

_ wrote:

pandora wrote:

yes, too true eyed

you left out the option that he crawls into the nearest sewer and bleeds to death...
sent back to hell from which he came allowing the innocent to live free not in fear

No, I didn't. Please note my use of the word COULD. That means it's POSSIBLE.

I want to know whether people don't actually believe this is even a POSSIBLE consequence of the proposed response to the situation. (Option A)

If there is ANY POSSIBILITY WHATSOEVER that this COULD be the outcome of this response, then anyone who chooses to respond in this way is taking that RISK. (Option

No you didn't what? :?

I saw 'could and possible' but what is a given, if the abuser isn't stopped the violence will escalate
perhaps to a loved ones death.

I wrote this earlier a few pages back

If at the very beginning of this....when the abuser starts...
someone made it so very clear he would die if he did that again,
if he ever laid a hand on that women or child again he would die.
I personally think he would leave. He would find another victim.
For me that would be worth a try to save my loved one.

After living through this and knowing the outcome it would be worth a try.


It is this fear you speak of...what if he does worse damage... that has allowed men to continue to beat women.
This is what keeps people from becoming involved, keeps the abuser from being held accountable,
keeps him from being punished the way he punishes.
We have a society that allows the abusers to be free to continue to threaten and even kill.

I know the emotional scars do not heal. A little girl watching her mother beat long before conscious memory changes her for life.
All through life now, 43 years, there is never an answer to the trouble because she doesn't even know the question.
She is forever lost. I know this because this is my niece. There are innocents hurt because of this abuse,
she is worth the risk.
We will never know the woman she could have been because no one stopped her mothers abuser.
Another generation lost.

Time to fight back.

_

eyedclaar wrote:

I have a survey too.

If you were to find out your sister was in an abusive relationship, would you:

A) Do nothing knowing full well that by doing nothing your sister COULD be killed by the abuser, or COULD wind up with a permanent type of PTSD making it impossible for her to ever trust anyone or live any kind of normal life?

OR

See A.

See how surveys are fun.

So, if you know that by not intervening, your sister COULD be further abused, or POSSIBLY killed, how do you not take the risk of doing something versus nothing when the consequences are likely the same?

Your sister is at risk for being killed whether you:
A) Do nothing.
Do something, but not something violent.
C) Do something violent.

For one thing, no one is suggesting that the OP do nothing. There are other ways, which have been clearly elucidated here, to respond without using violence or threats. The idea that violence is THE ONLY answer - and if you don't use it you're doing nothing and therefore don't love your sister and would rather be a pussy and let her get killed - is a huge part of the problem here.

Secondly, we're dealing with risk, not certainties. So, yes, there's a risk that she could be killed if you don't use violence and there's a risk that she could be killed if you do use violence. The question is which puts her MORE at risk. I don't think either of us knows the answer to that for certain. I'm inclined to believe (and I think there's data to support, but I don't have it in front of me) that abusers are more likely to escalate their violence against the woman when they, themselves, are victimized. You'll probably say she's more at risk if you don't use violence because she'll just stay until she gets killed. But, again, you're ignoring option B, that you can help empower her to get out of the situation without taking the risk of escalating the situation first.

Third, and most importantly, if there is any risk to be taken with her life or safety, it is HER decision - not yours or anyone else's - what risks should be taken. SHE is the one who will have to suffer the consequences. SHE is the one who knows the situation better than anyone. And, as I thought was the point here, SHE should be respected, not disregarded, disempowered, and controlled.

_

pandora wrote:

_ wrote:

pandora wrote:

yes, too true eyed

you left out the option that he crawls into the nearest sewer and bleeds to death...
sent back to hell from which he came allowing the innocent to live free not in fear

No, I didn't. Please note my use of the word COULD. That means it's POSSIBLE.

I want to know whether people don't actually believe this is even a POSSIBLE consequence of the proposed response to the situation. (Option A)

If there is ANY POSSIBILITY WHATSOEVER that this COULD be the outcome of this response, then anyone who chooses to respond in this way is taking that RISK. (Option

No you didn't what? :?

No I didn't leave that part out. It was implicit in option B.

pandora

_ wrote:

pandora wrote:

_ wrote:

No, I didn't. Please note my use of the word COULD. That means it's POSSIBLE.

I want to know whether people don't actually believe this is even a POSSIBLE consequence of the proposed response to the situation. (Option A)

If there is ANY POSSIBILITY WHATSOEVER that this COULD be the outcome of this response, then anyone who chooses to respond in this way is taking that RISK. (Option

No you didn't what? :?

No I didn't leave that part out. It was implicit in option B.

this isn't part B right? ....you left out the option that he crawls into the nearest sewer and bleeds to death...
sent back to hell from which he came allowing the innocent to live free not in fear

that sounds nothing like your option B to me

cause in my survey its option C and he's obviously a dead piece of shit and will never hurt anyone ever again

chadwick

i have 2 brothers. if we had a sister she would be amazing like the 3 of us. everyone knows better than to get stupid. i would like to see some dude or dudes be nasty with my (imaginary) sister. first of all they would walk on egg shells 24x7. 1 slip up of abuse and he is done. i would not ever let my sister become a victim like this. not ever. my brothers and myself, our father, and family friends... ever heard of a viking horde? my sister would be able to stomp ass.

one quick thing... the dude would have to be insane to be with my sister anyway. so maybe he is halfway scrappy?... we'd bury the bastard

hollywood machismo? whoever believes protecting loved ones is for films is fucked in the head.

_

pandora wrote:

this isn't part B right? ....you left out the option that he crawls into the nearest sewer and bleeds to death...
sent back to hell from which he came allowing the innocent to live free not in fear

that sounds nothing like your option B to me

cause in my survey its option C and he's obviously a dead piece of shit and will never hurt anyone ever again

Yes, it's still option B. You can't be 100% sure that you can control every violent situation. This is not the movies. You are still taking the risk that things don't go exactly as you planned and he ends up living, only to be more likely to kill your sister.

g under p

_ wrote:

No I didn't leave that part out. It was implicit in option B.

pandora wrote:

this isn't part B right? ....you left out the option that he crawls into the nearest sewer and bleeds to death...
sent back to hell from which he came allowing the innocent to live free not in fear

that sounds nothing like your option B to me

cause in my survey its option C and he's obviously a dead piece of shit and will never hurt anyone ever again

So regardless of whatever option is offered are you saying you would rather have this boyfriend/husband killed?

I can see very well you have your steadfast views on this debate and rightfully so you believe what you believe. In saying that I've done some research just to make sure what I've said here made some sense. In doing so in now 15 different DV sites and questions NOWHERE have I seen in my readings it says or suggests that VIOLENCE against the abuser is even an option much less one that is viable.

If you believe I'm making this up I ask you or anyone else please show me where inflicting violence against the abuser is the best or even an option that would make him leave and find another victim.

What happens if this abuser has guns and knives do you go in with a bigger gun and more force? Sometimes the best laid out, planned out combat missions go terrible wrong. These are professional soldiers who know how to secure an area and inflict tremendous force yet THEY can get it terribly wrong.

Why is that we think, you think a plan of inflicting punishment seeking justice to make him leave will be a viable answer? Take a look at some of the sites I posted above and there there're links to other DV questions.

Peace

prism

g under p wrote:

_ wrote:

No I didn't leave that part out. It was implicit in option B.

pandora wrote:

this isn't part B right? ....you left out the option that he crawls into the nearest sewer and bleeds to death...
sent back to hell from which he came allowing the innocent to live free not in fear

that sounds nothing like your option B to me

cause in my survey its option C and he's obviously a dead piece of shit and will never hurt anyone ever again

So regardless of whatever option is offered are you saying you would rather have this boyfriend/husband killed?

I can see very well you have your steadfast views on this debate and rightfully so you believe what you believe. In saying that I've done some research just to make sure what I've said here made some sense. In doing so in now 15 different DV sites and questions NOWHERE have I seen in my readings it says or suggests that VIOLENCE against the abuser is even an option much less one that is viable.

If you believe I'm making this up I ask you or anyone else please show me where inflicting violence against the abuser is the best or even an option that would make him leave and find another victim.

What happens if this abuser has guns and knives do you go in with a bigger gun and more force? Sometimes the best laid out, planned out combat missions go terrible wrong. These are professional soldiers who know how to secure an area and inflict tremendous force yet THEY can get it terribly wrong.

Why is that we think, you think a plan of inflicting punishment seeking justice to make him leave will be a viable answer? Take a look at some of the sites I posted above and there there're links to other DV questions.

Peace

thank you...

it would be so great if was just so simple as the abuser getting his ass kicked...however

i'd like to ask those that are in favor of beating or threatening the abuser....if it was merely as easy as having someone kick the abuser ass worked to make him leave & just go away forever? why is there such a need in every community for cops & justice system (ie.DV laws, protection orders) hotlines, shelters, volunteers, on-going counseling support etc, etc.

after all just kick his ass and he'll disappear....except that just doesn't work. it's not any kind of viable solution no matter how much some would like to believe it to be

chadwick

brothers are bodyguards to their sisters and brothers. you frickin protect one another. pj20 camping party. stupid shit flares up. i would not leave any of you. protect mankind. fuck.... you better have my back or it will not ever work. it's like that. solid as shit.

now stop being crazy. what is wrong with you?
some of y'all are drinking way to much straight alcohol and spreading your intoxications on here.

BinauralJam

chadwick wrote:

brothers are bodyguards to their sisters and brothers. you frickin protect one another. pj20 camping party. stupid shit flares up. i would not leave any of you. protect mankind. fuck.... you better have my back or it will not ever work. it's like that. solid as shit.

now stop being crazy. what is wrong with you?
some of y'all are drinking way to much straight alcohol and spreading your intoxications on here.

not yet, gimmie 20 minutes

stargirl69

My sister has been in two physically,emotionally and psychologically abuse marriages.I also work with vulnerable women,most who are in extremely abusive relationships.
In my experience no one can make them leave for good until they are ready to do it for themselves.All you can do is always let your sister know that you love her and will be there for her should she need you.

My thoughts and hope goes to your sister,you and everyone involved who are hurting.

chadwick

BinauralJam wrote:

chadwick wrote:

brothers are bodyguards to their sisters and brothers. you frickin protect one another. pj20 camping party. stupid shit flares up. i would not leave any of you. protect mankind. fuck.... you better have my back or it will not ever work. it's like that. solid as shit.

now stop being crazy. what is wrong with you?
some of y'all are drinking way to much straight alcohol and spreading your intoxications on here.

not yet, gimmie 20 minutes

the crazy train.
all aboard..... (hear ozzy?)

pandora

_ wrote:

pandora wrote:

this isn't part B right? ....you left out the option that he crawls into the nearest sewer and bleeds to death...
sent back to hell from which he came allowing the innocent to live free not in fear

that sounds nothing like your option B to me

cause in my survey its option C and he's obviously a dead piece of shit and will never hurt anyone ever again

Yes, it's still option B. You can't be 100% sure that you can control every violent situation. This is not the movies. You are still taking the risk that things don't go exactly as you planned and he ends up living, only to be more likely to kill your sister.

ah but in the movies he lives and wears a mask and goes on a rampage
more likely in real life as I said first strike to your loved one the rules are set.
not acceptable...no tippy toeing around
his own medicine he gets

he'll move on to an easier victim

it's all about victimizing and controlling if he can't control he'll find an easier prey

your scenario there is more time to get fixated on the victim..take over her life...make her dependent

then he will not leave and if she gets strong enough to try to get herself free if he was gonna kill he'll hunt her down and do it because that is much worse to have her decide to leave.
Much better a strong male presence tells him to move along at first strike.
Families must protect each other.

prism

pandora wrote:

_ wrote:

pandora wrote:

this isn't part B right? ....you left out the option that he crawls into the nearest sewer and bleeds to death...
sent back to hell from which he came allowing the innocent to live free not in fear

that sounds nothing like your option B to me

cause in my survey its option C and he's obviously a dead piece of shit and will never hurt anyone ever again

Yes, it's still option B. You can't be 100% sure that you can control every violent situation. This is not the movies. You are still taking the risk that things don't go exactly as you planned and he ends up living, only to be more likely to kill your sister.

ah but in the movies he lives and wears a mask and goes on a rampage
more likely in real life as I said first strike to your loved one the rules are set.
not acceptable...no tippy toeing around
his own medicine he gets

he'll move on to an easier victim

it's all about victimizing and controlling if he can't control he'll find an easier prey

your scenario there is more time to get fixated on the victim..take over her life...make her dependent

then he will not leave and if she gets strong enough to try to get herself free if he was gonna kill he'll hunt her down and do it because that is much worse to have her decide to leave.
Much better a strong male presence tells him to move along at first strike.
Families must protect each other.

you do realize the fact that by the time the first strike comes he's already been mentally/ emotionally abusing & controlling her for a very looong time. by that point she's so pyschologically beat down & embarrassed that she will NOT tell her family that he's has been hitting her.

that's why women become so adept at covering the bruises or making excuses for them when family members confront her about it. oh it's nothing...silly me, i tripped on the steps....or yeah it's hot but i love wearing this hoodie...

the family only finds out when she can no longer explain away or hide the physical marks, her change of demeanor & withdrawl from friends/family anymore