Sometimes you have to put space between your family and yourself.
My mother to this day, loves to call me long distance for a 'hit and run.' That's when she is in a bad mood and wants to call me and tell me everything that was and is wrong with me and my life choices. Then says she is busy and has to go.
This thread is making me so sad. I feel like my daughter has disowned me. She will be 13 this month and I haven't seen her in 3 weeks. :( Things have been tense around the house when she's home. She's half here, half at her dad's (he became a part of her life 4 years ago and introduced her to his religious extremism). So I dropped her off at her dad's on August 14th after we had been fighting and I said some things that I desperately regret and she hasn't come home since. She doesn't want to come home and I don't want to force her. And as of Monday when I called her, now she isn't speaking to me on the phone.
This thread is making me so sad. I feel like my daughter has disowned me. She will be 13 this month and I haven't seen her in 3 weeks. :( Things have been tense around the house when she's home. She's half here, half at her dad's (he became a part of her life 4 years ago and introduced her to his religious extremism). So I dropped her off at her dad's on August 14th after we had been fighting and I said some things that I desperately regret and she hasn't come home since. She doesn't want to come home and I don't want to force her. And as of Monday when I called her, now she isn't speaking to me on the phone.
:( I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Without knowing anything about your situation other than what you have posted here, I want to say don't give up on trying to contact your daughter; however, at the same time I want to say, give her some space, but still be available.
I guess my biggest concern for your daughter is the father's 'religious extremism.' She's at a vulnerable and impressionable age, so I'd be concerned about the influence that he currently holds over her, especially because you state that things have been tense around the house prior to this. Does she have a friend or is there another neutral adult that could serve as a mediator between you both? What about resources through the school that she attends? Good luck. I hope that things work out.
"What the CANUCK happened?!? - Esquimalt Barber Shop
This thread is making me so sad. I feel like my daughter has disowned me. She will be 13 this month and I haven't seen her in 3 weeks. :( Things have been tense around the house when she's home. She's half here, half at her dad's (he became a part of her life 4 years ago and introduced her to his religious extremism). So I dropped her off at her dad's on August 14th after we had been fighting and I said some things that I desperately regret and she hasn't come home since. She doesn't want to come home and I don't want to force her. And as of Monday when I called her, now she isn't speaking to me on the phone.
:( I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Without knowing anything about your situation other than what you have posted here, I want to say don't give up on trying to contact your daughter; however, at the same time I want to say, give her some space, but still be available.
I guess my biggest concern for your daughter is the father's 'religious extremism.' She's at a vulnerable and impressionable age, so I'd be concerned about the influence that he currently holds over her, especially because you state that things have been tense around the house prior to this. Does she have a friend or is there another neutral adult that could serve as a mediator between you both? What about resources through the school that she attends? Good luck. I hope that things work out.
When my girls turned 13 I wondered where my daughters went. It was like they went to bed one night being my little angels and strangers in the morning.
I used to make family days now and then when I felt we weren't spending enough time together. They sometimes felt it was like being grounded, but in the end it kept us from growing too far apart. We would just eat dinner together, watch a movie, or nothing, but it did let us know how we all were doing.
Wow talk about timing. I was reading this thread last night. I know how everyone is feeling about disowning a family member. In this case it is my dad. My parents just celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary last month. I didn't know if my Mom would do it. But I think she realized she would rather be happy alone than be with someone and be miserable. Last night my mom called me to tell me that her and my dad are getting a divorce.
Needless to say, I was supportive and happy for her. I am looking forward to enjoying my family without the 1 person that was the root of all our problems.
I guess you would need to start with the question "Why are you the black cloud?" From what you said here your mother is an Alcoholic but you've been through the therapy. That obviously means that you have some sort of problem with alcohol as well and maybe pill issues since you also said that you're taking anti-depressants.
Alcoholism does get passed down through the family. Maybe they see you as the black cloud since you seem to be going down the same road as your mother?
I don't know why the OP has been to therapy but if it's to deal with an alcoholic mother then I don't see that as having a problem with alcohol. And being prescribed anti-depressants, which are taken for depression, which is an illness, is not the same thing as abusing drugs or alcohol, so I don't think it's appropriate to talk about pill issues. CIB was asking for other people's experiences breaking off with family members, especially handling guilt feelings. I don't think piling on more guilt is necessary.
I'm just going on what was been posted here. That's why I asked the question about the therapy and such, I've not heard of anyone going to therapy alone for a family problem, that's all.
I think all therapy involves some kind of "family problem"
... and the will to show I will always be better than before.
I don't think I could ever disown any of my immediate family. I have seen enough bad blood. My mom doesn't talk to her brother at all. I have cousins I never met because of it. Also, my grandfather does not talk to my sister and I because he and my father had a falling out. It's a sad situation.
These cuts are leaving creases. Trace the scars to fit the pieces, to tell the story, you don't need to say a word.
This thread is making me so sad. I feel like my daughter has disowned me. She will be 13 this month and I haven't seen her in 3 weeks. :( Things have been tense around the house when she's home. She's half here, half at her dad's (he became a part of her life 4 years ago and introduced her to his religious extremism). So I dropped her off at her dad's on August 14th after we had been fighting and I said some things that I desperately regret and she hasn't come home since. She doesn't want to come home and I don't want to force her. And as of Monday when I called her, now she isn't speaking to me on the phone.
Just hang in there and let her know you love her no matter what. My kids were so hard during the teen years both son and daughter. Happy days are coming- mine are now in their 20's and we are all so close again. They love going out with us again- love family vacations- call me all the time. Its just those awful teen years and daughters are hard on their Moms. I felt like I couldn't say anything right now they want advice. It will be ok. She will need her Mom again someday.
Well due to a certain situation 2morrow I will have to be kinda in the same room with my sister who I haven't spoken too since April. I have decided that if she even tries to say sorry for her outburst and actions towards me I will not accept it. It's not the right place and time to be discussing it is what I will say. Will be together 2morrow but it's for support for another family member. My other sister supports my choice and understands. Not looking forward to being in the same room with her.
I have not seen or spoken with my brother in probably 10 years, hardly speak or see my parents, but I am fairly close with my sister. It doesn't bother me, I tried really hard with my brother but my effort was in vein as for the parents they have hardly noticed I was alive since I was 14, pretty much raised myself from then on. They were to busy dealing with my brother and his problems and are still dealing with it. You know what, I would not change a thing (except maybe trying harder in school and finishi college), because I learned from an early age about being responsible, independent and accountable for your actions. Through all the bullshit family problems I turned out well, got a great wife who means the world to me , a decent job with a pension and we do a fair bit of travelling.
I have certain rules I live by ... My First Rule ... I don't believe anything the government tells me ... George Carlin
"Life Is What Happens To You When Your Busy Making Other Plans" John Lennon
Just hang in there and let her know you love her no matter what. My kids were so hard during the teen years both son and daughter. Happy days are coming- mine are now in their 20's and we are all so close again. They love going out with us again- love family vacations- call me all the time. Its just those awful teen years and daughters are hard on their Moms. I felt like I couldn't say anything right now they want advice. It will be ok. She will need her Mom again someday.
Thank you.
Things have gotten progressively worse since I posted about my daughter in this thread. It is good to hear that she will need her mom again someday. I keep telling her (on the rare occasion that she'll actually answer the phone, but mostly via email) that I will always love her and anytime she needs something to call me. She is always welcome back here. Every morning when I wake up for a split second I have that feeling of "oh, good, it was only a bad dream..." Then I remember I am actually living this nightmare. :(
Well due to a certain situation 2morrow I will have to be kinda in the same room with my sister who I haven't spoken too since April. I have decided that if she even tries to say sorry for her outburst and actions towards me I will not accept it. It's not the right place and time to be discussing it is what I will say. Will be together 2morrow but it's for support for another family member. My other sister supports my choice and understands. Not looking forward to being in the same room with her.
Well today that was as much fun as having a tooth pulled. :x :roll:
Well due to a certain situation 2morrow I will have to be kinda in the same room with my sister who I haven't spoken too since April. I have decided that if she even tries to say sorry for her outburst and actions towards me I will not accept it. It's not the right place and time to be discussing it is what I will say. Will be together 2morrow but it's for support for another family member. My other sister supports my choice and understands. Not looking forward to being in the same room with her.
Well today that was as much fun as having a tooth pulled. :x :roll:
Sorry to hear that.
Believe me, when I was growin up, I thought the worst thing you could turn out to be was normal, So I say freaks in the most complementary way. Here's a song by a fellow freak - E.V
Well due to a certain situation 2morrow I will have to be kinda in the same room with my sister who I haven't spoken too since April. I have decided that if she even tries to say sorry for her outburst and actions towards me I will not accept it. It's not the right place and time to be discussing it is what I will say. Will be together 2morrow but it's for support for another family member. My other sister supports my choice and understands. Not looking forward to being in the same room with her.
Well today that was as much fun as having a tooth pulled. :x :roll:
Sorry to hear that.
She acted like myself and my other sister weren't even in the same room. What a bitch.
Just hang in there and let her know you love her no matter what. My kids were so hard during the teen years both son and daughter. Happy days are coming- mine are now in their 20's and we are all so close again. They love going out with us again- love family vacations- call me all the time. Its just those awful teen years and daughters are hard on their Moms. I felt like I couldn't say anything right now they want advice. It will be ok. She will need her Mom again someday.
Thank you.
Things have gotten progressively worse since I posted about my daughter in this thread. It is good to hear that she will need her mom again someday. I keep telling her (on the rare occasion that she'll actually answer the phone, but mostly via email) that I will always love her and anytime she needs something to call me. She is always welcome back here. Every morning when I wake up for a split second I have that feeling of "oh, good, it was only a bad dream..." Then I remember I am actually living this nightmare. :(
I am sorry you are without her right now but for my daughter and I our days were so turbulent maybe its for the best.This is all about her not about Moms right now. She will see clearly one day and appreciate you again. You are handling it well- email is very good- less chance to say the wrong thing or fight. Just keep it up. I know the nightmare- the worse is not being able to hug them. Some girls really need to break away from their Moms to grow up and just stay focused on how proud you are and will be when she comes thru this.A strong independent woman (my daughter is just taking my breath away lately!) Along with all the love you show and because you are not in a position to put restrictions on her let her know her safety is the most important thing to you and your husband. Teens think they are invincible. Good luck it will get better
Me and my sister had a big disagreement a number of years ago which resulted in us not talking for about six months.
It was torture but neither of us would back down.I saw the effect it had on my parents and my brother stuck in the middle.
I ended the riff by visiting her at home unannounced and we began to talk through what had gone on.It took us a while to get back on track but I learned never to hold a grudge with family again.It turns to poison so quickly.
“There should be a place where only the things you want to happen, happen”
Me and my sister had a big disagreement a number of years ago which resulted in us not talking for about six months.
It was torture but neither of us would back down.I saw the effect it had on my parents and my brother stuck in the middle.
I ended the riff by visiting her at home unannounced and we began to talk through what had gone on.It took us a while to get back on track but I learned never to hold a grudge with family again.It turns to poison so quickly.
I totally get what you mean about the effects of not talking to a family member can be. My sister and I have been not talking to each other since April. I know my folks are bothered by this and my other sister feels the same but knows also that my folks are bothered. I just can't be the better one and try to make up. My sister was the one that said what she said to me and I can't forgive her or give in at this time. With my moms health last couple weeks I have had to be in the same room with my sister. It bothers me but like I said she has to be the one to talk and say sorry. I WILL NOT let her forget or ignore her hurtful remarks she said to me. Last couple days its been back on my mind. It's not easy. :(
Me and my sister had a big disagreement a number of years ago which resulted in us not talking for about six months.
It was torture but neither of us would back down.I saw the effect it had on my parents and my brother stuck in the middle.
I ended the riff by visiting her at home unannounced and we began to talk through what had gone on.It took us a while to get back on track but I learned never to hold a grudge with family again.It turns to poison so quickly.
I totally get what you mean about the effects of not talking to a family member can be. My sister and I have been not talking to each other since April. I know my folks are bothered by this and my other sister feels the same but knows also that my folks are bothered. I just can't be the better one and try to make up. My sister was the one that said what she said to me and I can't forgive her or give in at this time. With my moms health last couple weeks I have had to be in the same room with my sister. It bothers me but like I said she has to be the one to talk and say sorry. I WILL NOT let her forget or ignore her hurtful remarks she said to me. Last couple days its been back on my mind. It's not easy. :(
If you can't forgive her, you can't forgive her. You're not ready to move on. It doesn't seem like you're irrational. If/when the day comes that she approaches you, make sure you know what you want to say. Make sure you communicate that you want an apology and don't get dramatic. Some people are completely unable to apologize and they will twist everything around to make you feel like YOU were the one that was wrong.
That is my sister and bro-in-law. Fuck them. BIL knew a guy that was in a band that played with Bad Religion in San Diego.... and this guy knew EV and blah-de-lah.... I would rather eat dog poop!
As you said, it's not easy. The last time I talked with my sis, I said "you would crawl up mom's ass if you could". !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The stress level is down 124% since I stopped talking to them. I push away the moments of guilt and life is ok!
Break all of the ties that bind! Love yourself enough that your refuse to let in anyone who degrades you, uses you, insults you. Love is not about one person giving selflessly into the whims of the other. Real love is healthy. It's about mutual respect, about helping each other to rise up and grow as individuals.
Staying FAR, far away from my relatives is the healthiest decision for my sanity and happiness. Try going through this, and coming out emotionally whole and well-adjusted. This is my reality:
My parents have been married since 1968. My father was always an alcoholic. As a child, I did not know it because he was rarely 'drunk.' He drank all the time. No one told me that was a problem. My mother, of all people, was the one who almost never mentioned it. When I was 13, my mother asked me if my father had molested me during a drunken incident of his. He had not, and had never molested me. So I told her no. A few years later, she asked me again. She ended up asking 3 or 4 times in total, the last time being in the mid 90s. I was early 20s. In 2000, we were arguing about a related issue. I confronted her. I said, "Haven't you asked me 3 or 4 times over the course of my life if my father ever molested me?!" She admitted that yes, she had said the words...But she never meant them. She thought that in my devious little mind, I thought he molested me.
Even though I NEVER ACCUSED HIM! I remember clear details about my life, back to sleeping in a crib and potty training. I was not molested by anyone. I was ridiculously ignorant of both male and even female anatomy. I had no sexual interactions with anyone when I was a child.
Mother explained that the only reason I could possibly hate father so much is if he had 'touched' (her euphemism, she never actually said 'molest,' 'rape,' etc.) me.
Huh???? Being a scary alcoholic was not enough? I reminded her of that very first time she had asked. She shrugged it off with, "I don't really remember." HELLO!!!! That question changed my life forever, and she doesn't deem it worthy of remembering? I pressed further, and she grasped at straws to appease me. She really couldn't remember. She came up with, "Oh, maybe I meant did he touch you physically." I said, "Well, Hey! That's all right, then!" I continued to talk, but she shut down. She screamed an insult at me that made me cringe, and I shut up.
I lived in R.I. with my parents until I was 18. When I was 19, I lived in Hollywood for 9 months and discovered that it was the Love of my Life. Stupidly, I moved back to R.I for financial reasons. But I always lived alone, so I could control when I saw anyone. The parents sold up and moved to Florida around 2004. The last time I ever saw father was either mid 2005 or mid 2006. It's been so long that I neither know nor care which year it was! Whoo hoo! Late 2007, I finally, permanently, moved home to Los Angeles. A distance of 3000 miles really helps keep the past in its rightful place! I still maintain phone contact with my mother because she sends me money....And she still gives me money to keep me in her life: She knows what the score is!
She flew over to spend time with me in Sept. of 2008. She was careful not to ask to stay at my apartment, and I limited my interaction with her. She saw me thriving, so I figured I was good for at least another 18 months without her threatening another visit. But that was giving her way too much credit. Just 5 months later, she blindsided me in an e-mail: She had booked both herself and her husband into a hotel in my neighbourhood for 3 nights in May 2009. They were taking a trip around the west, and were including my city as the final leg. It was incredibly cowardly of her to shock me like that. Of course, if she had discussed it with me on the phone, I would tell her how I felt- making her stop and think. Mother does not like to think! I sent her several desperate e-mails, begging her to reconsider. She ignored most. When she finally replied, it was something like, "Oops, plans are already made."
Many, many weeks later, she dared to phone me. I plead my case. I stated facts, and backed them up. I asked her when in my life I had ever been happy to see my father. She said, "Um, when your car needed repairs?" I scoffed openly. He had been a mechanic decades ago. So when we all lived in RI, and I went to their house to visit my mother anyway, YES I would ask him to look at my car when it was having a problem. Only to save money, not for hugs, bonding, 'daddy & me' time! Ugh. Anyway, it seemed like I had chinked a dent in her resolve. I was cautiously optimistic. I e-mailed my sister in RI to keep her ears open the next time the parents went up to visit her (well, visit her daughter really. My mother lives and breathes through her first grandbaby.) My sycophantic sister indulges our parents, and won't hear a word against them. Yet she somehow appreciates my point of view. She wrote back that the parents would NOT be coming to L.A. because I was so upset. I was thrilled!!! The weight that had been depressing me for two months evaporated!
6 days before the date they intended to be here, mother called again. After shooting the shit about nonsense, she casually asked what time should she come over next Wednesday. Fucking hell. It was the least loving act a parent could do. She had lied the whole time. Why on earth had she not been honest with me? Knowing she would have pockets full of cash, I agreed to see her- just her- for a few hours one morning. So it came to pass that my delusional mother dragged father along to live 4 blocks away from me for 3 nights, knowing full well I would refuse to see him. Her decisions were cruel to him as well as to me. I was afraid to leave the flat for fear that they would be staked out, watching for me.
Every time I walk by the hotel they stayed in, I think of them. Yuck. My love for this place is too pure to let even their intrusion contaminate it. But I know that if I break off all communications with my mother, she is going to panic and hunt me down.
Break all of the ties that bind! Love yourself enough that your refuse to let in anyone who degrades you, uses you, insults you.
I read your entire post.I find it amazing that you started with such a significant statement then go onto speak of the financial status of your realtionship with your parents ...I find it shameful that you willing accept and seek out financial aid from your parents when you need it,as you made a number of references to,but then state your feelings for them so venemously here .... why do you choose to still be dependent on them financially?
I know someone who really did break ALL ties that bound ... they had to or they would have been killed by their father repeatedly raping,holding guns to heads and beating at everyturn.They used the true meaning of your statement .... they have not seen nor heard from their family in 30 years .... they were fully reliant on themselves from 16 years old.
Break all ties that bind .... except when there's a cash cow coming to town? :roll: Love yourself enough that your refuse to let in anyone who degrades you, .... surely you are degrading yourself? .... do you love yourself? uses you ..... are you not using your parents? and insults you are you not insulting them?
You may be living what you have learned?
If you truly believe in breaking all ties that bind start taking full financial responsiblity for yourself ... you may think they deserve to,but do they really?
One's action where flawed may have been done with the best of intent.
Next time your parents want to visit,and open their cheque book .... you can say "Thanks it's been a slice but don't need it ... I'm outta hear,see ya!"
“There should be a place where only the things you want to happen, happen”
I read your entire post.I find it amazing that you started with such a significant statement then go onto speak of the financial status of your realtionship with your parents ...I find it shameful that you willing accept and seek out financial aid from your parents when you need it,as you made a number of references to,but then state your feelings for them so venemously here .... why do you choose to still be dependent on them financially?
I know someone who really did break ALL ties that bound ... they had to or they would have been killed by their father repeatedly raping,holding guns to heads and beating at everyturn.They used the true meaning of your statement .... they have not seen nor heard from their family in 30 years .... they were fully reliant on themselves from 16 years old.
Break all ties that bind .... except when there's a cash cow coming to town? :roll: Love yourself enough that your refuse to let in anyone who degrades you, .... surely you are degrading yourself? .... do you love yourself? uses you ..... are you not using your parents? and insults you are you not insulting them?
You may be living what you have learned?
If you truly believe in breaking all ties that bind start taking full financial responsiblity for yourself ... you may think they deserve to,but do they really?
One's action where flawed may have been done with the best of intent.
Next time your parents want to visit,and open their cheque book .... you can say "Thanks it's been a slice but don't need it ... I'm outta hear,see ya!"
I don't know why I choose to be co-dependent. I've always seen my father as the evil one, and my mother as the one to be pitied. I'm sorry if that disappoints you. I hope people can learn from my mess and do even better with their own lives.
I'm sorry Travisthesky, but your story smacks of hypocrisy so much.
If your Mother pissed you off so much and means nothing to you, you'd cut all ties and that would be that. Instead, you milk her for money whenever you see fit and then run her into the ground when everything's going ok?
I'm really glad I don't know anyone like you, you disgust me.
I read your entire post.I find it amazing that you started with such a significant statement then go onto speak of the financial status of your realtionship with your parents ...I find it shameful that you willing accept and seek out financial aid from your parents when you need it,as you made a number of references to,but then state your feelings for them so venemously here .... why do you choose to still be dependent on them financially?
I know someone who really did break ALL ties that bound ... they had to or they would have been killed by their father repeatedly raping,holding guns to heads and beating at everyturn.They used the true meaning of your statement .... they have not seen nor heard from their family in 30 years .... they were fully reliant on themselves from 16 years old.
Break all ties that bind .... except when there's a cash cow coming to town? :roll: Love yourself enough that your refuse to let in anyone who degrades you, .... surely you are degrading yourself? .... do you love yourself? uses you ..... are you not using your parents? and insults you are you not insulting them?
You may be living what you have learned?
If you truly believe in breaking all ties that bind start taking full financial responsiblity for yourself ... you may think they deserve to,but do they really?
One's action where flawed may have been done with the best of intent.
Next time your parents want to visit,and open their cheque book .... you can say "Thanks it's been a slice but don't need it ... I'm outta hear,see ya!"
I'm sorry if that disappoints you.
I don't know you therefore you cannot disappointment me.However by posting your messsage you open yourself up for reading others peoples opinions about your reply.I think you are a troubled soul and either need to deal with the issues with your family or indeed break all ties.
I wish you well
“There should be a place where only the things you want to happen, happen”
'Milking the cash cow' ... my sister is very good at it! After many ACOA (Adult Children Of Alcoholics) meetings.... it's pretty common. Not only for alcoholic/addict homes but for many 'opposite of ideal' households. Milking or overspending are not unheard of...
'Milking the cash cow' ... my sister is very good at it! After many ACOA (Adult Children Of Alcoholics) meetings.... it's pretty common. Not only for alcoholic/addict homes but for many 'opposite of ideal' households. Milking or overspending are not unheard of...
Milking is a very polite term. I know it's very sick, as in ill.
The two previous posters both thought that I ask my parents for money. I do not. I have never asked them for money. They throw it at me. My mother gets off on sending me little care packages. It makes her happy.
I take free money from anyone when it is given. I also accepted the "bailout" payment from the U.S. government this year, and last year. I could have sent it back with a letter explaining how wrong it was. I kept it, I lived off the small amount.
My Gran sends me $10 in a Christmas card every year. I realised I was an atheist at 12, so I have never sent out gifts or cards. It would probably be correct to send it back. Instead, I put it to good use.
UPDATE: I think of my parents' offerings as restitution. That's the best way to sum it up. Most of the time, they are living on the east coast. I'm on the west coast, and mother calls me on the phone once every several weeks. All is harmonious, and I barely think of them.
Me and my sister had a big disagreement a number of years ago which resulted in us not talking for about six months.
It was torture but neither of us would back down.I saw the effect it had on my parents and my brother stuck in the middle.
I ended the riff by visiting her at home unannounced and we began to talk through what had gone on.It took us a while to get back on track but I learned never to hold a grudge with family again.It turns to poison so quickly.
I totally get what you mean about the effects of not talking to a family member can be. My sister and I have been not talking to each other since April. I know my folks are bothered by this and my other sister feels the same but knows also that my folks are bothered. I just can't be the better one and try to make up. My sister was the one that said what she said to me and I can't forgive her or give in at this time. With my moms health last couple weeks I have had to be in the same room with my sister. It bothers me but like I said she has to be the one to talk and say sorry. I WILL NOT let her forget or ignore her hurtful remarks she said to me. Last couple days its been back on my mind. It's not easy. :(
If you can't forgive her, you can't forgive her. You're not ready to move on. It doesn't seem like you're irrational. If/when the day comes that she approaches you, make sure you know what you want to say. Make sure you communicate that you want an apology and don't get dramatic. Some people are completely unable to apologize and they will twist everything around to make you feel like YOU were the one that was wrong.
That is my sister and bro-in-law. Fuck them. BIL knew a guy that was in a band that played with Bad Religion in San Diego.... and this guy knew EV and blah-de-lah.... I would rather eat dog poop!
As you said, it's not easy. The last time I talked with my sis, I said "you would crawl up mom's ass if you could". !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The stress level is down 124% since I stopped talking to them. I push away the moments of guilt and life is ok!
I have been thinking about making amends with her. I just don't know when or how. IMO she has to be the one to start it. I doubt she will cause that is the type of person she is.
The two previous posters both thought that I ask my parents for money. I do not. I have never asked them for money. They throw it at me. My mother gets off on sending me little care packages. It makes her happy.
It would probably be correct to send it back. Instead, I put it to good use.
I was well aware you do not ASK your parents for money ... if you did that you would be "dependant" on them ... and as someone who lives by the "break ties that bind" rule you won't want to admit to being dependent.
Have you ever thought to consider that the reason your mother and granmother send you gifts is because they love you? ... and need to be reassured that the money they give you will buy to food,warmth and a home to keep you alive?
Charity donation?Homeless shelter?Someone in need? .... Oh right that would be you :roll:
I felt quite sad when I read your first post but as I have read addittional comments you have posted ... to echo "got a hard hard head" comment I find your actions dispicable.
I hope if you ever have children they care and treat you better than you seem to care and treat others ... and yourself.
“There should be a place where only the things you want to happen, happen”
Dispicable? I think you're being a little harsh, stargirl. I'm sure there's a lot more to the situation and unless you've lived it yourself, you have no idea.
Comments
My mother to this day, loves to call me long distance for a 'hit and run.' That's when she is in a bad mood and wants to call me and tell me everything that was and is wrong with me and my life choices. Then says she is busy and has to go.
:( I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Without knowing anything about your situation other than what you have posted here, I want to say don't give up on trying to contact your daughter; however, at the same time I want to say, give her some space, but still be available.
I guess my biggest concern for your daughter is the father's 'religious extremism.' She's at a vulnerable and impressionable age, so I'd be concerned about the influence that he currently holds over her, especially because you state that things have been tense around the house prior to this. Does she have a friend or is there another neutral adult that could serve as a mediator between you both? What about resources through the school that she attends? Good luck. I hope that things work out.
I used to make family days now and then when I felt we weren't spending enough time together. They sometimes felt it was like being grounded, but in the end it kept us from growing too far apart. We would just eat dinner together, watch a movie, or nothing, but it did let us know how we all were doing.
Needless to say, I was supportive and happy for her. I am looking forward to enjoying my family without the 1 person that was the root of all our problems.
Funny how this all worked out!
I think all therapy involves some kind of "family problem"
They're not perfect, but I wouldn't ever THINK about disowning any of them.
"Life Is What Happens To You When Your Busy Making Other Plans" John Lennon
Thank you.
Things have gotten progressively worse since I posted about my daughter in this thread. It is good to hear that she will need her mom again someday. I keep telling her (on the rare occasion that she'll actually answer the phone, but mostly via email) that I will always love her and anytime she needs something to call me. She is always welcome back here. Every morning when I wake up for a split second I have that feeling of "oh, good, it was only a bad dream..." Then I remember I am actually living this nightmare. :(
Well today that was as much fun as having a tooth pulled. :x :roll:
She acted like myself and my other sister weren't even in the same room. What a bitch.
It was torture but neither of us would back down.I saw the effect it had on my parents and my brother stuck in the middle.
I ended the riff by visiting her at home unannounced and we began to talk through what had gone on.It took us a while to get back on track but I learned never to hold a grudge with family again.It turns to poison so quickly.
I totally get what you mean about the effects of not talking to a family member can be. My sister and I have been not talking to each other since April. I know my folks are bothered by this and my other sister feels the same but knows also that my folks are bothered. I just can't be the better one and try to make up. My sister was the one that said what she said to me and I can't forgive her or give in at this time. With my moms health last couple weeks I have had to be in the same room with my sister. It bothers me but like I said she has to be the one to talk and say sorry. I WILL NOT let her forget or ignore her hurtful remarks she said to me. Last couple days its been back on my mind. It's not easy. :(
If you can't forgive her, you can't forgive her. You're not ready to move on. It doesn't seem like you're irrational. If/when the day comes that she approaches you, make sure you know what you want to say. Make sure you communicate that you want an apology and don't get dramatic. Some people are completely unable to apologize and they will twist everything around to make you feel like YOU were the one that was wrong.
That is my sister and bro-in-law. Fuck them. BIL knew a guy that was in a band that played with Bad Religion in San Diego.... and this guy knew EV and blah-de-lah.... I would rather eat dog poop!
As you said, it's not easy. The last time I talked with my sis, I said "you would crawl up mom's ass if you could". !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The stress level is down 124% since I stopped talking to them. I push away the moments of guilt and life is ok!
Staying FAR, far away from my relatives is the healthiest decision for my sanity and happiness. Try going through this, and coming out emotionally whole and well-adjusted. This is my reality:
My parents have been married since 1968. My father was always an alcoholic. As a child, I did not know it because he was rarely 'drunk.' He drank all the time. No one told me that was a problem. My mother, of all people, was the one who almost never mentioned it. When I was 13, my mother asked me if my father had molested me during a drunken incident of his. He had not, and had never molested me. So I told her no. A few years later, she asked me again. She ended up asking 3 or 4 times in total, the last time being in the mid 90s. I was early 20s. In 2000, we were arguing about a related issue. I confronted her. I said, "Haven't you asked me 3 or 4 times over the course of my life if my father ever molested me?!" She admitted that yes, she had said the words...But she never meant them. She thought that in my devious little mind, I thought he molested me.
Even though I NEVER ACCUSED HIM! I remember clear details about my life, back to sleeping in a crib and potty training. I was not molested by anyone. I was ridiculously ignorant of both male and even female anatomy. I had no sexual interactions with anyone when I was a child.
Mother explained that the only reason I could possibly hate father so much is if he had 'touched' (her euphemism, she never actually said 'molest,' 'rape,' etc.) me.
Huh???? Being a scary alcoholic was not enough? I reminded her of that very first time she had asked. She shrugged it off with, "I don't really remember." HELLO!!!! That question changed my life forever, and she doesn't deem it worthy of remembering? I pressed further, and she grasped at straws to appease me. She really couldn't remember. She came up with, "Oh, maybe I meant did he touch you physically." I said, "Well, Hey! That's all right, then!" I continued to talk, but she shut down. She screamed an insult at me that made me cringe, and I shut up.
I lived in R.I. with my parents until I was 18. When I was 19, I lived in Hollywood for 9 months and discovered that it was the Love of my Life. Stupidly, I moved back to R.I for financial reasons. But I always lived alone, so I could control when I saw anyone. The parents sold up and moved to Florida around 2004. The last time I ever saw father was either mid 2005 or mid 2006. It's been so long that I neither know nor care which year it was! Whoo hoo! Late 2007, I finally, permanently, moved home to Los Angeles. A distance of 3000 miles really helps keep the past in its rightful place! I still maintain phone contact with my mother because she sends me money....And she still gives me money to keep me in her life: She knows what the score is!
She flew over to spend time with me in Sept. of 2008. She was careful not to ask to stay at my apartment, and I limited my interaction with her. She saw me thriving, so I figured I was good for at least another 18 months without her threatening another visit. But that was giving her way too much credit. Just 5 months later, she blindsided me in an e-mail: She had booked both herself and her husband into a hotel in my neighbourhood for 3 nights in May 2009. They were taking a trip around the west, and were including my city as the final leg. It was incredibly cowardly of her to shock me like that. Of course, if she had discussed it with me on the phone, I would tell her how I felt- making her stop and think. Mother does not like to think! I sent her several desperate e-mails, begging her to reconsider. She ignored most. When she finally replied, it was something like, "Oops, plans are already made."
Many, many weeks later, she dared to phone me. I plead my case. I stated facts, and backed them up. I asked her when in my life I had ever been happy to see my father. She said, "Um, when your car needed repairs?" I scoffed openly. He had been a mechanic decades ago. So when we all lived in RI, and I went to their house to visit my mother anyway, YES I would ask him to look at my car when it was having a problem. Only to save money, not for hugs, bonding, 'daddy & me' time! Ugh. Anyway, it seemed like I had chinked a dent in her resolve. I was cautiously optimistic. I e-mailed my sister in RI to keep her ears open the next time the parents went up to visit her (well, visit her daughter really. My mother lives and breathes through her first grandbaby.) My sycophantic sister indulges our parents, and won't hear a word against them. Yet she somehow appreciates my point of view. She wrote back that the parents would NOT be coming to L.A. because I was so upset. I was thrilled!!! The weight that had been depressing me for two months evaporated!
6 days before the date they intended to be here, mother called again. After shooting the shit about nonsense, she casually asked what time should she come over next Wednesday.
Every time I walk by the hotel they stayed in, I think of them. Yuck. My love for this place is too pure to let even their intrusion contaminate it. But I know that if I break off all communications with my mother, she is going to panic and hunt me down.
I read your entire post.I find it amazing that you started with such a significant statement then go onto speak of the financial status of your realtionship with your parents ...I find it shameful that you willing accept and seek out financial aid from your parents when you need it,as you made a number of references to,but then state your feelings for them so venemously here .... why do you choose to still be dependent on them financially?
I know someone who really did break ALL ties that bound ... they had to or they would have been killed by their father repeatedly raping,holding guns to heads and beating at everyturn.They used the true meaning of your statement .... they have not seen nor heard from their family in 30 years .... they were fully reliant on themselves from 16 years old.
Break all ties that bind .... except when there's a cash cow coming to town? :roll:
Love yourself enough that your refuse to let in anyone who degrades you, .... surely you are degrading yourself? .... do you love yourself?
uses you ..... are you not using your parents?
and insults you are you not insulting them?
You may be living what you have learned?
If you truly believe in breaking all ties that bind start taking full financial responsiblity for yourself ... you may think they deserve to,but do they really?
One's action where flawed may have been done with the best of intent.
Next time your parents want to visit,and open their cheque book .... you can say "Thanks it's been a slice but don't need it ... I'm outta hear,see ya!"
I don't know why I choose to be co-dependent. I've always seen my father as the evil one, and my mother as the one to be pitied. I'm sorry if that disappoints you. I hope people can learn from my mess and do even better with their own lives.
If your Mother pissed you off so much and means nothing to you, you'd cut all ties and that would be that. Instead, you milk her for money whenever you see fit and then run her into the ground when everything's going ok?
I'm really glad I don't know anyone like you, you disgust me.
I don't know you therefore you cannot disappointment me.However by posting your messsage you open yourself up for reading others peoples opinions about your reply.I think you are a troubled soul and either need to deal with the issues with your family or indeed break all ties.
I wish you well
Milking is a very polite term. I know it's very sick, as in ill.
The two previous posters both thought that I ask my parents for money. I do not. I have never asked them for money. They throw it at me. My mother gets off on sending me little care packages. It makes her happy.
I take free money from anyone when it is given. I also accepted the "bailout" payment from the U.S. government this year, and last year. I could have sent it back with a letter explaining how wrong it was. I kept it, I lived off the small amount.
My Gran sends me $10 in a Christmas card every year. I realised I was an atheist at 12, so I have never sent out gifts or cards. It would probably be correct to send it back. Instead, I put it to good use.
UPDATE: I think of my parents' offerings as restitution. That's the best way to sum it up. Most of the time, they are living on the east coast. I'm on the west coast, and mother calls me on the phone once every several weeks. All is harmonious, and I barely think of them.
I have been thinking about making amends with her. I just don't know when or how. IMO she has to be the one to start it. I doubt she will cause that is the type of person she is.