Disowning Family

covered in bliss

Have you done it? How did it work out? Details?

I haven't spoken to my mom in 6 weeks and my sister in 5. I've never felt better in my life. I imagine the Holiday's will be hard but I might escape with a cruise or Hawaii for Christmas.

I'd really love to hear stories! I'm sure a bunch of people think "that's your FAMILY!" etc. When your family makes you physically sick, isn't it time to tell them to f-off?

South of Seattle

My Dad kinda disowned my sister. Not totally, but she is out of the will for now. My sis had to deal with the unfortunate passing of her husband, but once he died she kinda went crazy and said some terrible things to my parents.

It's affected my relationship with her also. I haven't disowned her but I do find myself more distant.

Wobbie

I'm not sure that, with PJ minutes from hitting the stage in SF, you picked the best time for such a heavy subject .

Good luck with that.

covered in bliss

imalive wrote:

I'm not sure that, with PJ minutes from hitting the stage in SF, you picked the best time for such a heavy subject .

Good luck with that.

I didn't realize it.. outside Lands end, eh?

THat's ok... not everyone can be there tonight. if you're there and posting...................

covered in bliss

South of Seattle wrote:

My Dad kinda disowned my sister. Not totally, but she is out of the will for now. My sis had to deal with the unfortunate passing of her husband, but once he died she kinda went crazy and said some terrible things to my parents.

It's affected my relationship with her also. I haven't disowned her but I do find myself more distant.

I'm the oldest of 3. Sis is 4 years younger and bro was 5 when I moved out... 13 years younger.

Not talking to sis... bro (and his new wife) are being a tad distant.

Were the things she said to your parents true? Honestly?

South of Seattle

covered in bliss wrote:

South of Seattle wrote:

My Dad kinda disowned my sister. Not totally, but she is out of the will for now. My sis had to deal with the unfortunate passing of her husband, but once he died she kinda went crazy and said some terrible things to my parents.

It's affected my relationship with her also. I haven't disowned her but I do find myself more distant.

I'm the oldest of 3. Sis is 4 years younger and bro was 5 when I moved out... 13 years younger.

Not talking to sis... bro (and his new wife) are being a tad distant.

Were the things she said to your parents true? Honestly?

Nope, that's why I'm on my parents side with this. All that my parents did was try to make sure her and the kids were taken care of and that she had what she needed. She proceeded to let a cousin of the deceased husband that she'd never met take advantage and he pilfered 10k from her. So my Dad tried to step in for the sake of her and his grandkids.

covered in bliss

South of Seattle wrote:

covered in bliss wrote:

South of Seattle wrote:

My Dad kinda disowned my sister. Not totally, but she is out of the will for now. My sis had to deal with the unfortunate passing of her husband, but once he died she kinda went crazy and said some terrible things to my parents.

It's affected my relationship with her also. I haven't disowned her but I do find myself more distant.

I'm the oldest of 3. Sis is 4 years younger and bro was 5 when I moved out... 13 years younger.

Not talking to sis... bro (and his new wife) are being a tad distant.

Were the things she said to your parents true? Honestly?

Nope, that's why I'm on my parents side with this. All that my parents did was try to make sure her and the kids were taken care of and that she had what she needed. She proceeded to let a cousin of the deceased husband that she'd never met take advantage and he pilfered 10k from her. So my Dad tried to step in for the sake of her and his grandkids.

Were drugs involved. ?

How do you steal 10 grand from a cousin's wife? Renovations?

strangely enough, since I've cut off my mom and sis, I've been talking with a cousin that I haven't talked to in years. We caught up at my bro's wedding a year ago.. it's amazing how a door has closed and another has opened.

I still have pangs of guilt, though, and that's why I'm asking for viewpoints.

South of Seattle

Nope no drugs involved.

The guy basically said he needed to borrow 10k, since he was the cousin of her just-deceased husband, she gave it to him during her fragile state of mind. The dude disappeared and is possibly in jail, of course he was a fine individual( Chicago Police :roll: )

PRL1JAM

I haven't really talked to my sister in over 10 years. I sometimes wonder if it is too late to get things back to how they once were. You're right though, holidays can be the toughest times when dealing with this shit

covered in bliss

South of Seattle wrote:

Nope no drugs involved.

The guy basically said he needed to borrow 10k, since he was the cousin of her just-deceased husband, she gave it to him during her fragile state of mind. The dude disappeared and is possibly in jail, of course he was a fine individual( Chicago Police :roll: )

why would your dad disown her if she was in an obvious state of mental-fragileness? You made it sound like she gave some guy $ after her husband died.. Your dad said something to her and then she said something to your dad.

After a death, people say f'ed up things. for your dad to disown her after a tragic thing like that... sorry but I don't know who to side with.

Correct me if I'm wrong, please!

patrickredeyes

My middle sister hasn't talked to any of my family members since April. But its a good thing IMO cause were so sick of her bullshit. I feel bad for my folks cause they haven't seen their grand daughter. My sister has always been a black cloud in our family. There is no point in us trying to reach out to her cause she is cold as ice. I could write a book about her. lol

South of Seattle

covered in bliss wrote:

South of Seattle wrote:

Nope no drugs involved.

The guy basically said he needed to borrow 10k, since he was the cousin of her just-deceased husband, she gave it to him during her fragile state of mind. The dude disappeared and is possibly in jail, of course he was a fine individual( Chicago Police :roll: )

why would your dad disown her if she was in an obvious state of mental-fragileness? You made it sound like she gave some guy $ after her husband died.. Your dad said something to her and then she said something to your dad.

After a death, people say f'ed up things. for your dad to disown her after a tragic thing like that... sorry but I don't know who to side with.

Correct me if I'm wrong, please!

I kinda thought that too, but her fragile mind state went on for over a year of her treating my parents like shit. He didn't do it right away.

Like I said he didn't disown he still talks to her, but he cut her out of the will and is giving her share to her kids so they have something.

South of Seattle

beautifullife wrote:

I haven't really talked to my sister in over 10 years. I sometimes wonder if it is too late to get things back to how they once were. You're right though, holidays can be the toughest times when dealing with this shit

BTW you avatar is pretty rad.

PRL1JAM

South of Seattle wrote:

beautifullife wrote:

I haven't really talked to my sister in over 10 years. I sometimes wonder if it is too late to get things back to how they once were. You're right though, holidays can be the toughest times when dealing with this shit

BTW you avatar is pretty rad.

Thank you! I appreciate that

Tried to combine two of my favorite things when I was making it

South of Seattle

beautifullife wrote:

South of Seattle wrote:

beautifullife wrote:

I haven't really talked to my sister in over 10 years. I sometimes wonder if it is too late to get things back to how they once were. You're right though, holidays can be the toughest times when dealing with this shit

BTW you avatar is pretty rad.

Thank you! I appreciate that

Tried to combine two of my favorite things when I was making it

My friend is a huge dodger fan and PJ fan. He'd love it.

covered in bliss

patrickredeyes wrote:

My middle sister hasn't talked to any of my family members since April. But its a good thing IMO cause were so sick of her bullshit. I feel bad for my folks cause they haven't seen their grand daughter. My sister has always been a black cloud in our family. There is no point in us trying to reach out to her cause she is cold as ice. I could write a book about her. lol

why is she the black cloud????

please answer because in my family, I'm the black cloud!!!

Mom has been an alcoholic for most of my life. I'm the one that has been thru therapy, ACOA meetings, alanon meetings... every book I can find along with anti-depressants... they haven't done anything but love mom... aka: been co-dependant and enabling.

I'm the black sheep and I'm done.

patrickredeyes

covered in bliss wrote:

patrickredeyes wrote:

My middle sister hasn't talked to any of my family members since April. But its a good thing IMO cause were so sick of her bullshit. I feel bad for my folks cause they haven't seen their grand daughter. My sister has always been a black cloud in our family. There is no point in us trying to reach out to her cause she is cold as ice. I could write a book about her. lol

why is she the black cloud????

please answer because in my family, I'm the black cloud!!!

Mom has been an alcoholic for most of my life. I'm the one that has been thru therapy, ACOA meetings, alanon meetings... every book I can find along with anti-depressants... they haven't done anything but love mom... aka: been co-dependant and enabling.

I'm the black sheep and I'm done.

Ohh where do I begin. lol

She is just a stuck up witch that is just ungrateful. I'll will try and explain but I may run out of space on here typing it all. lol

covered in bliss

it's funny that PJ itself was formed around fuckd up family situations but 3 people are talking here.

South of Seattle

covered in bliss wrote:

it's funny that PJ itself was formed around fuckd up family situations but 3 people are talking here.

PJ was formed because a singer overdosed. Ed's lyrics have fucked up family overtones, but that's about it. It's not like we're all fans because we have messed up families. I grew up normal and in the burbs

covered in bliss

South of Seattle wrote:

covered in bliss wrote:

it's funny that PJ itself was formed around fuckd up family situations but 3 people are talking here.

PJ was formed because a singer overdosed. Ed's lyrics have fucked up family overtones, but that's about it. It's not like we're all fans because we have messed up families. I grew up normal and in the burbs

ok

patrickredeyes

South of Seattle wrote:

I grew up normal and in the burbs

right

comebackgirl

My younger brother and I disowned our older brother 14 years ago or so. My parents pretty much disowned him too, although my mom still has occasional limited phone contact. He's just not a safe person to be around. I could go on and on about his misdeeds (drugs, sexual assault, cruelty to animals, stealing from friends, family, neighbors, multiple arrests. lying, vandalism of vehicles, etc). It was horrible when I was younger and friends and neighbors would tell me about horrible things he had done and thinking "yep - I'm sure he did it." I would not be shocked to see him on the news one day for being arrested for something horrible. He definitely meets criteria for antisocial personality disorder. You know someone is a sociopath when you can see them do something and they know you saw them do it and they will still look you in the eye and swear that they didn't (and they actually believe what they are saying!) He's sneaky, but he's dumb :P We all gave up any hope that he would change when he tried to swindle money (again) from my grandmother (who has alzheimer's) after my grandfather died 2 years ago. You can hope and pray that people will change, but some people just can't. They're wired that way. My brother, stepfather and I have accepted this and moved on, but my mom is still hoping. I typically only mention that I have one brother (my younger brother - who rocks!)

South of Seattle

patrickredeyes wrote:

South of Seattle wrote:

I grew up normal and in the burbs

right

Yeah the Portland burbs aren't too normal

iamsam_pj

comebackgirl wrote:

My younger brother and I disowned our older brother 14 years ago or so. My parents pretty much disowned him too, although my mom still has occasional limited phone contact. He's just not a safe person to be around. I could go on and on about his misdeeds (drugs, sexual assault, cruelty to animals, stealing from friends, family, neighbors, multiple arrests. lying, vandalism of vehicles, etc). It was horrible when I was younger and friends and neighbors would tell me about horrible things he had done and thinking "yep - I'm sure he did it." I would not be shocked to see him on the news one day for being arrested for something horrible. He definitely meets criteria for antisocial personality disorder. You know someone is a sociopath when you can see them do something and they know you saw them do it and they will still look you in the eye and swear that they didn't (and they actually believe what they are saying!) He's sneaky, but he's dumb :P We all gave up any hope that he would change when he tried to swindle money (again) from my grandmother (who has alzheimer's) after my grandfather died 2 years ago. You can hope and pray that people will change, but some people just can't. They're wired that way. My brother, stepfather and I have accepted this and moved on, but my mom is still hoping. I typically only mention that I have one brother (my younger brother - who rocks!)

i'm convinced my sister is a sociopath as well!! she has spent the past 4 years addicted to various drugs...mostly pain medication. she used to sneak into my parents house and steal my nana's pain meds...my nana was sick with lung cancer!! it got to the point where my parents had to ban her from entering the house unless one of them was there...and my nana was terrified to be in the house alone with her.
my mom keeps saying that she's going to cut her off...not give her any money, not pay her bills...but she keeps doing it anyway. she's been living off of my parents for quite awhile now...and hasn't had a job in forever. she just turned 28...and really has no plan to turn her life around. to top it all off...she just found out she's pregnant. my family is far from excited!

Fifthelement

I haven't disowned my brother, but have definitely distanced myself emotionally from him since he went back to prison. I just don't have the interest or energy to deal with it anymore. My sister and dad feel the same way, but my mom . . . well, she's his mom. I don't think that she can ever really stop enabling him, but she too has had to focus on other, more immediate stuff lately. So there is hope.

It's funny that this topic came up tonight. My husband and I were just discussing this topic at dinner in regards to his sister and my brother.

comebackgirl

iamsam_pj wrote:

comebackgirl wrote:

My younger brother and I disowned our older brother 14 years ago or so. My parents pretty much disowned him too, although my mom still has occasional limited phone contact. He's just not a safe person to be around. I could go on and on about his misdeeds (drugs, sexual assault, cruelty to animals, stealing from friends, family, neighbors, multiple arrests. lying, vandalism of vehicles, etc). It was horrible when I was younger and friends and neighbors would tell me about horrible things he had done and thinking "yep - I'm sure he did it." I would not be shocked to see him on the news one day for being arrested for something horrible. He definitely meets criteria for antisocial personality disorder. You know someone is a sociopath when you can see them do something and they know you saw them do it and they will still look you in the eye and swear that they didn't (and they actually believe what they are saying!) He's sneaky, but he's dumb :P We all gave up any hope that he would change when he tried to swindle money (again) from my grandmother (who has alzheimer's) after my grandfather died 2 years ago. You can hope and pray that people will change, but some people just can't. They're wired that way. My brother, stepfather and I have accepted this and moved on, but my mom is still hoping. I typically only mention that I have one brother (my younger brother - who rocks!)

i'm convinced my sister is a sociopath as well!! she has spent the past 4 years addicted to various drugs...mostly pain medication. she used to sneak into my parents house and steal my nana's pain meds...my nana was sick with lung cancer!! it got to the point where my parents had to ban her from entering the house unless one of them was there...and my nana was terrified to be in the house alone with her.
my mom keeps saying that she's going to cut her off...not give her any money, not pay her bills...but she keeps doing it anyway. she's been living off of my parents for quite awhile now...and hasn't had a job in forever. she just turned 28...and really has no plan to turn her life around. to top it all off...she just found out she's pregnant. my family is far from excited!

My brother and your sister sound like they would be 2 peas in a pod! Hopefully they'll never meet (I'm pretty sure he's living in Florida now). I think it's hard for parents to give up on their kids. My mom says she just wants to make sure he's ok (ummm...he'll never be ok) :P But she's gotten a lot better about it. She let him live at home way too long, totally enabling him, but I guess hoping he would change. It's gonna be even harder for your parents now that she's pregnant! So sorry you are dealing with something similar.

covered in bliss

comebackgirl wrote:

My younger brother and I disowned our older brother 14 years ago or so. My parents pretty much disowned him too, although my mom still has occasional limited phone contact. He's just not a safe person to be around. I could go on and on about his misdeeds (drugs, sexual assault, cruelty to animals, stealing from friends, family, neighbors, multiple arrests. lying, vandalism of vehicles, etc). It was horrible when I was younger and friends and neighbors would tell me about horrible things he had done and thinking "yep - I'm sure he did it." I would not be shocked to see him on the news one day for being arrested for something horrible. He definitely meets criteria for antisocial personality disorder. You know someone is a sociopath when you can see them do something and they know you saw them do it and they will still look you in the eye and swear that they didn't (and they actually believe what they are saying!) He's sneaky, but he's dumb :P We all gave up any hope that he would change when he tried to swindle money (again) from my grandmother (who has alzheimer's) after my grandfather died 2 years ago. You can hope and pray that people will change, but some people just can't. They're wired that way. My brother, stepfather and I have accepted this and moved on, but my mom is still hoping. I typically only mention that I have one brother (my younger brother - who rocks!)

thank your for sharing and the one statement that sticks out is " You can hope and pray that people will change, but some people just can't." That statement is a bullet between the eyes. (drama added, of course).

Some people can't. No matter how hard you try (and you shouldn't have to try!!!!!!!!!!!), people are going to do what they're going to do. Don't take it personally (it's hard when it's a parent!)... they really can't help it.

covered in bliss

The thing that sucks the most is the guilt. I was raised catholic and I keep hearing in my head "THAT"S YOUR FAMILY!" We're supposed to love our family, unconditionally.

That's dangerous.

comebackgirl

covered in bliss wrote:

comebackgirl wrote:

My younger brother and I disowned our older brother 14 years ago or so. My parents pretty much disowned him too, although my mom still has occasional limited phone contact. He's just not a safe person to be around. I could go on and on about his misdeeds (drugs, sexual assault, cruelty to animals, stealing from friends, family, neighbors, multiple arrests. lying, vandalism of vehicles, etc). It was horrible when I was younger and friends and neighbors would tell me about horrible things he had done and thinking "yep - I'm sure he did it." I would not be shocked to see him on the news one day for being arrested for something horrible. He definitely meets criteria for antisocial personality disorder. You know someone is a sociopath when you can see them do something and they know you saw them do it and they will still look you in the eye and swear that they didn't (and they actually believe what they are saying!) He's sneaky, but he's dumb :P We all gave up any hope that he would change when he tried to swindle money (again) from my grandmother (who has alzheimer's) after my grandfather died 2 years ago. You can hope and pray that people will change, but some people just can't. They're wired that way. My brother, stepfather and I have accepted this and moved on, but my mom is still hoping. I typically only mention that I have one brother (my younger brother - who rocks!)

thank your for sharing and the one statement that sticks out is " You can hope and pray that people will change, but some people just can't." That statement is a bullet between the eyes. (drama added, of course).

Some people can't. No matter how hard you try (and you shouldn't have to try!!!!!!!!!!!), people are going to do what they're going to do. Don't take it personally (it's hard when it's a parent!)... they really can't help it.

yeah i think sometimes you don't have to cut the person off completely, but you just have to learn to care from a distance. It depends on the person, the situation, their motivation for change, etc. Some people can and do change...but others don't. Most people who have addiction problems are not sociopaths (my brother is an extreme example and most of his behavior pre-dates any of his drug use), but enabling them won't help them change. It's so hard though cause you don't want to see the person you care about fall any farther.

washedinblack91

i keep forgetting my brother's father is mine also.

i haven't talked to him (except for awkward conversations at family functions) in 5 years. he was (and still is) a verbally abusive little fuckwad who actually caused me to have a mental breakdown at age 5. a nun even told my mother to get a divorce (then left the habit, i wonder why... ) sooooooo, after they got divorced i would go over his house every 2 weeks which went on until i was 15 when i couldn't stand going over there anymore. he would yell at everyone regardless of age, sex, and relationship to him, make people cry, he gambles, and is incredibly racist. he once threw candy up a tree and told some black children to go get it, calling them "little monkeys". he once saw my cousin's black dog run into the middle of the street and he said "i thought it was a little n****r boy i was gonna run it over". he took my other cousin (who's father is jewish) by his foot and shook him when he was a baby and laughed while he cried because of who his father was. he called up my mother when she was in the hospital with asthma and pneumonia to yell at her. he would yell at her because the salt shaker wasn't at the right place and other insignificant things like that. he once yelled at me because he thought i drank more soda than my brother from the cup we were sharing. when my parents were together he would bring home 37 cents because he would gamble the rest away. and the worst part of it (for me at least) is that some days he would be charming, fun, would have a great sense of humor and would make you smile. then the next day he would become this screaming, condescending monster, breaking things with eyes bulging, face red, veins popping, all because you spilled a glass of water (really. no hyperbole needed for this man!)

i'm not the type to just sit back and let it happen and apparently i never was. my mother tells the story of how they were arguing feverishly one night and i stood in front of her, age two, pointed at him and said "leave mommy 'lone!" which caused him to put a fist through our glass door and yell at my mom for "having his own kid against him". me and my dad, especially when i got older, would really butt heads. i can't stand it when people are mean to other people especially for literally no reason. after years of his bullshit i couldn't stand him anymore. all of his broken promises, all the years of putting guilt on me for getting upset over his bullshit, all the years of arguing and hearing him argue with other people just made me realize i needed to stop talking to him.

it's been one of the best and hardest decisions of my life. lots of things remind me of him and all the fun we used to have, despite all the bullshit. plus, the people in his family used to make me feel really bad with the whole "But he's your father you only have one!" and to that i say, you're right. i do only have one. my step father is my father. it would bother me whenever they said i was doing the wrong thing and i shouldn't cut him out of my life but after i did i finally became happy. so fuck it. i'm glad i don't talk to him anymore. i've never been so close to truly hating anyone in my life (except maybe his wife but that's an entirely different story :P)

South of Seattle

covered in bliss wrote:

patrickredeyes wrote:

My middle sister hasn't talked to any of my family members since April. But its a good thing IMO cause were so sick of her bullshit. I feel bad for my folks cause they haven't seen their grand daughter. My sister has always been a black cloud in our family. There is no point in us trying to reach out to her cause she is cold as ice. I could write a book about her. lol

why is she the black cloud????

please answer because in my family, I'm the black cloud!!!

Mom has been an alcoholic for most of my life. I'm the one that has been thru therapy, ACOA meetings, alanon meetings... every book I can find along with anti-depressants... they haven't done anything but love mom... aka: been co-dependant and enabling.

I'm the black sheep and I'm done.

I guess you would need to start with the question "Why are you the black cloud?" From what you said here your mother is an Alcoholic but you've been through the therapy. That obviously means that you have some sort of problem with alcohol as well and maybe pill issues since you also said that you're taking anti-depressants.

Alcoholism does get passed down through the family. Maybe they see you as the black cloud since you seem to be going down the same road as your mother?