Disowning Family

TravisTheSky

Break all of the ties that bind! Love yourself enough that your refuse to let in anyone who degrades you, uses you, insults you. Love is not about one person giving selflessly into the whims of the other. Real love is healthy. It's about mutual respect, about helping each other to rise up and grow as individuals.

Staying FAR, far away from my relatives is the healthiest decision for my sanity and happiness. Try going through this, and coming out emotionally whole and well-adjusted. This is my reality:
My parents have been married since 1968. My father was always an alcoholic. As a child, I did not know it because he was rarely 'drunk.' He drank all the time. No one told me that was a problem. My mother, of all people, was the one who almost never mentioned it. When I was 13, my mother asked me if my father had molested me during a drunken incident of his. He had not, and had never molested me. So I told her no. A few years later, she asked me again. She ended up asking 3 or 4 times in total, the last time being in the mid 90s. I was early 20s. In 2000, we were arguing about a related issue. I confronted her. I said, "Haven't you asked me 3 or 4 times over the course of my life if my father ever molested me?!" She admitted that yes, she had said the words...But she never meant them. She thought that in my devious little mind, I thought he molested me.
Even though I NEVER ACCUSED HIM! I remember clear details about my life, back to sleeping in a crib and potty training. I was not molested by anyone. I was ridiculously ignorant of both male and even female anatomy. I had no sexual interactions with anyone when I was a child.

Mother explained that the only reason I could possibly hate father so much is if he had 'touched' (her euphemism, she never actually said 'molest,' 'rape,' etc.) me.
Huh???? Being a scary alcoholic was not enough? I reminded her of that very first time she had asked. She shrugged it off with, "I don't really remember." HELLO!!!! That question changed my life forever, and she doesn't deem it worthy of remembering? I pressed further, and she grasped at straws to appease me. She really couldn't remember. She came up with, "Oh, maybe I meant did he touch you physically." I said, "Well, Hey! That's all right, then!" I continued to talk, but she shut down. She screamed an insult at me that made me cringe, and I shut up.

I lived in R.I. with my parents until I was 18. When I was 19, I lived in Hollywood for 9 months and discovered that it was the Love of my Life. Stupidly, I moved back to R.I for financial reasons. But I always lived alone, so I could control when I saw anyone. The parents sold up and moved to Florida around 2004. The last time I ever saw father was either mid 2005 or mid 2006. It's been so long that I neither know nor care which year it was! Whoo hoo! Late 2007, I finally, permanently, moved home to Los Angeles. A distance of 3000 miles really helps keep the past in its rightful place! I still maintain phone contact with my mother because she sends me money....And she still gives me money to keep me in her life: She knows what the score is!

She flew over to spend time with me in Sept. of 2008. She was careful not to ask to stay at my apartment, and I limited my interaction with her. She saw me thriving, so I figured I was good for at least another 18 months without her threatening another visit. But that was giving her way too much credit. Just 5 months later, she blindsided me in an e-mail: She had booked both herself and her husband into a hotel in my neighbourhood for 3 nights in May 2009. They were taking a trip around the west, and were including my city as the final leg. It was incredibly cowardly of her to shock me like that. Of course, if she had discussed it with me on the phone, I would tell her how I felt- making her stop and think. Mother does not like to think! I sent her several desperate e-mails, begging her to reconsider. She ignored most. When she finally replied, it was something like, "Oops, plans are already made."

Many, many weeks later, she dared to phone me. I plead my case. I stated facts, and backed them up. I asked her when in my life I had ever been happy to see my father. She said, "Um, when your car needed repairs?" I scoffed openly. He had been a mechanic decades ago. So when we all lived in RI, and I went to their house to visit my mother anyway, YES I would ask him to look at my car when it was having a problem. Only to save money, not for hugs, bonding, 'daddy & me' time! Ugh. Anyway, it seemed like I had chinked a dent in her resolve. I was cautiously optimistic. I e-mailed my sister in RI to keep her ears open the next time the parents went up to visit her (well, visit her daughter really. My mother lives and breathes through her first grandbaby.) My sycophantic sister indulges our parents, and won't hear a word against them. Yet she somehow appreciates my point of view. She wrote back that the parents would NOT be coming to L.A. because I was so upset. I was thrilled!!! The weight that had been depressing me for two months evaporated!

6 days before the date they intended to be here, mother called again. After shooting the shit about nonsense, she casually asked what time should she come over next Wednesday. Fucking hell. It was the least loving act a parent could do. She had lied the whole time. Why on earth had she not been honest with me? Knowing she would have pockets full of cash, I agreed to see her- just her- for a few hours one morning. So it came to pass that my delusional mother dragged father along to live 4 blocks away from me for 3 nights, knowing full well I would refuse to see him. Her decisions were cruel to him as well as to me. I was afraid to leave the flat for fear that they would be staked out, watching for me.

Every time I walk by the hotel they stayed in, I think of them. Yuck. My love for this place is too pure to let even their intrusion contaminate it. But I know that if I break off all communications with my mother, she is going to panic and hunt me down.

stargirl69

TravisTheSky wrote:

Break all of the ties that bind! Love yourself enough that your refuse to let in anyone who degrades you, uses you, insults you.

I read your entire post.I find it amazing that you started with such a significant statement then go onto speak of the financial status of your realtionship with your parents ...I find it shameful that you willing accept and seek out financial aid from your parents when you need it,as you made a number of references to,but then state your feelings for them so venemously here .... why do you choose to still be dependent on them financially?

I know someone who really did break ALL ties that bound ... they had to or they would have been killed by their father repeatedly raping,holding guns to heads and beating at everyturn.They used the true meaning of your statement .... they have not seen nor heard from their family in 30 years .... they were fully reliant on themselves from 16 years old.

Break all ties that bind .... except when there's a cash cow coming to town? :roll:
Love yourself enough that your refuse to let in anyone who degrades you, .... surely you are degrading yourself? .... do you love yourself?
uses you ..... are you not using your parents?
and insults you are you not insulting them?

You may be living what you have learned?
If you truly believe in breaking all ties that bind start taking full financial responsiblity for yourself ... you may think they deserve to,but do they really?
One's action where flawed may have been done with the best of intent.

Next time your parents want to visit,and open their cheque book .... you can say "Thanks it's been a slice but don't need it ... I'm outta hear,see ya!"

TravisTheSky

stargirl69 wrote:

I read your entire post.I find it amazing that you started with such a significant statement then go onto speak of the financial status of your realtionship with your parents ...I find it shameful that you willing accept and seek out financial aid from your parents when you need it,as you made a number of references to,but then state your feelings for them so venemously here .... why do you choose to still be dependent on them financially?

I know someone who really did break ALL ties that bound ... they had to or they would have been killed by their father repeatedly raping,holding guns to heads and beating at everyturn.They used the true meaning of your statement .... they have not seen nor heard from their family in 30 years .... they were fully reliant on themselves from 16 years old.

Break all ties that bind .... except when there's a cash cow coming to town? :roll:
Love yourself enough that your refuse to let in anyone who degrades you, .... surely you are degrading yourself? .... do you love yourself?
uses you ..... are you not using your parents?
and insults you are you not insulting them?

You may be living what you have learned?
If you truly believe in breaking all ties that bind start taking full financial responsiblity for yourself ... you may think they deserve to,but do they really?
One's action where flawed may have been done with the best of intent.

Next time your parents want to visit,and open their cheque book .... you can say "Thanks it's been a slice but don't need it ... I'm outta hear,see ya!"

I don't know why I choose to be co-dependent. I've always seen my father as the evil one, and my mother as the one to be pitied. I'm sorry if that disappoints you. I hope people can learn from my mess and do even better with their own lives.

Got a hard hard head

I'm sorry Travisthesky, but your story smacks of hypocrisy so much.

If your Mother pissed you off so much and means nothing to you, you'd cut all ties and that would be that. Instead, you milk her for money whenever you see fit and then run her into the ground when everything's going ok?

I'm really glad I don't know anyone like you, you disgust me.

stargirl69

TravisTheSky wrote:

stargirl69 wrote:

I read your entire post.I find it amazing that you started with such a significant statement then go onto speak of the financial status of your realtionship with your parents ...I find it shameful that you willing accept and seek out financial aid from your parents when you need it,as you made a number of references to,but then state your feelings for them so venemously here .... why do you choose to still be dependent on them financially?

I know someone who really did break ALL ties that bound ... they had to or they would have been killed by their father repeatedly raping,holding guns to heads and beating at everyturn.They used the true meaning of your statement .... they have not seen nor heard from their family in 30 years .... they were fully reliant on themselves from 16 years old.

Break all ties that bind .... except when there's a cash cow coming to town? :roll:
Love yourself enough that your refuse to let in anyone who degrades you, .... surely you are degrading yourself? .... do you love yourself?
uses you ..... are you not using your parents?
and insults you are you not insulting them?

You may be living what you have learned?
If you truly believe in breaking all ties that bind start taking full financial responsiblity for yourself ... you may think they deserve to,but do they really?
One's action where flawed may have been done with the best of intent.

Next time your parents want to visit,and open their cheque book .... you can say "Thanks it's been a slice but don't need it ... I'm outta hear,see ya!"

I'm sorry if that disappoints you.

I don't know you therefore you cannot disappointment me.However by posting your messsage you open yourself up for reading others peoples opinions about your reply.I think you are a troubled soul and either need to deal with the issues with your family or indeed break all ties.
I wish you well

covered in bliss

'Milking the cash cow' ... my sister is very good at it! After many ACOA (Adult Children Of Alcoholics) meetings.... it's pretty common. Not only for alcoholic/addict homes but for many 'opposite of ideal' households. Milking or overspending are not unheard of...

TravisTheSky

covered in bliss wrote:

'Milking the cash cow' ... my sister is very good at it! After many ACOA (Adult Children Of Alcoholics) meetings.... it's pretty common. Not only for alcoholic/addict homes but for many 'opposite of ideal' households. Milking or overspending are not unheard of...

Milking is a very polite term. I know it's very sick, as in ill.

The two previous posters both thought that I ask my parents for money. I do not. I have never asked them for money. They throw it at me. My mother gets off on sending me little care packages. It makes her happy.

I take free money from anyone when it is given. I also accepted the "bailout" payment from the U.S. government this year, and last year. I could have sent it back with a letter explaining how wrong it was. I kept it, I lived off the small amount.

My Gran sends me $10 in a Christmas card every year. I realised I was an atheist at 12, so I have never sent out gifts or cards. It would probably be correct to send it back. Instead, I put it to good use.

UPDATE: I think of my parents' offerings as restitution. That's the best way to sum it up. Most of the time, they are living on the east coast. I'm on the west coast, and mother calls me on the phone once every several weeks. All is harmonious, and I barely think of them.

patrickredeyes

covered in bliss wrote:

patrickredeyes wrote:

stargirl69 wrote:

Me and my sister had a big disagreement a number of years ago which resulted in us not talking for about six months.
It was torture but neither of us would back down.I saw the effect it had on my parents and my brother stuck in the middle.
I ended the riff by visiting her at home unannounced and we began to talk through what had gone on.It took us a while to get back on track but I learned never to hold a grudge with family again.It turns to poison so quickly.

I totally get what you mean about the effects of not talking to a family member can be. My sister and I have been not talking to each other since April. I know my folks are bothered by this and my other sister feels the same but knows also that my folks are bothered. I just can't be the better one and try to make up. My sister was the one that said what she said to me and I can't forgive her or give in at this time. With my moms health last couple weeks I have had to be in the same room with my sister. It bothers me but like I said she has to be the one to talk and say sorry. I WILL NOT let her forget or ignore her hurtful remarks she said to me. Last couple days its been back on my mind. It's not easy. :(

If you can't forgive her, you can't forgive her. You're not ready to move on. It doesn't seem like you're irrational. If/when the day comes that she approaches you, make sure you know what you want to say. Make sure you communicate that you want an apology and don't get dramatic. Some people are completely unable to apologize and they will twist everything around to make you feel like YOU were the one that was wrong.

That is my sister and bro-in-law. Fuck them. BIL knew a guy that was in a band that played with Bad Religion in San Diego.... and this guy knew EV and blah-de-lah.... I would rather eat dog poop!

As you said, it's not easy. The last time I talked with my sis, I said "you would crawl up mom's ass if you could". !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The stress level is down 124% since I stopped talking to them. I push away the moments of guilt and life is ok!

I have been thinking about making amends with her. I just don't know when or how. IMO she has to be the one to start it. I doubt she will cause that is the type of person she is.

stargirl69

TravisTheSky wrote:

wrote:

The two previous posters both thought that I ask my parents for money. I do not. I have never asked them for money. They throw it at me. My mother gets off on sending me little care packages. It makes her happy.

It would probably be correct to send it back. Instead, I put it to good use.

I was well aware you do not ASK your parents for money ... if you did that you would be "dependant" on them ... and as someone who lives by the "break ties that bind" rule you won't want to admit to being dependent.

Have you ever thought to consider that the reason your mother and granmother send you gifts is because they love you? ... and need to be reassured that the money they give you will buy to food,warmth and a home to keep you alive?



Charity donation?Homeless shelter?Someone in need? .... Oh right that would be you :roll:

I felt quite sad when I read your first post but as I have read addittional comments you have posted ... to echo "got a hard hard head" comment I find your actions dispicable.

I hope if you ever have children they care and treat you better than you seem to care and treat others ... and yourself.

covered in bliss

Dispicable? I think you're being a little harsh, stargirl. I'm sure there's a lot more to the situation and unless you've lived it yourself, you have no idea.

justam

I wonder why some people feel they have to push their need for family ties onto other people?
Is it just so they will feel more comfortable with their own decisions?
Is it more than that?

Why should strangers care what other people do with their own family connections?!
Are they afraid they'll be left alone by their own relations?

It seems to me that people who treat others well are not too likely to get left high and dry.

Maybe it's only those people who are relying on artificial ties of guilt or dependence to keep someone in a bad relationship who are so concerned that everyone else should feel obligated??

covered in bliss

justam wrote:

I wonder why some people feel they have to push their need for family ties onto other people?
Is it just so they will feel more comfortable with their own decisions?
Is it more than that?

Why should strangers care what other people do with their own family connections?!
Are they afraid they'll be left alone by their own relations?

It seems to me that people who treat others well are not too likely to get left high and dry.

Maybe it's only those people who are relying on artificial ties of guilt or dependence to keep someone in a bad relationship who are so concerned that everyone else should feel obligated??

who is this directed to? Are you trying to be 'out there' in a 'what is the meaning of life?" way or are you putting down the overall thread and the people posting their situations?

edit-your post seems like a diss but I can't figure out who you're dissing.

redrock

beautifullife wrote:

I haven't really talked to my sister in over 10 years. I sometimes wonder if it is too late to get things back to how they once were.

You're thinking about it... she may be thinking about it... It's never too late to build bridges again. It seems things were good once, they could be like that again. Try it.


I had issues with my mother and didn't speak for almost a year and even cancelled a trip to see them (we live in different countries). It was a lot less stress on me, but in the meantime, it 'punished' my Dad and my sister as well as my daughter who did not see her grandparents and auntie for more than a year.

I'm glad we sorted things out. She died three years after.

comebackgirl

covered in bliss wrote:

justam wrote:

I wonder why some people feel they have to push their need for family ties onto other people?
Is it just so they will feel more comfortable with their own decisions?
Is it more than that?

Why should strangers care what other people do with their own family connections?!
Are they afraid they'll be left alone by their own relations?

It seems to me that people who treat others well are not too likely to get left high and dry.

Maybe it's only those people who are relying on artificial ties of guilt or dependence to keep someone in a bad relationship who are so concerned that everyone else should feel obligated??

who is this directed to? Are you trying to be 'out there' in a 'what is the meaning of life?" way or are you putting down the overall thread and the people posting their situations?

edit-your post seems like a diss but I can't figure out who you're dissing.

I didn't read this as a diss on the thread at all. More of a question as to why someone may negatively judge someone else's situation and choice to break ties with family or maintain some connections of some sort.

You can never truly understand someone else's situation or choice unless you've lived it, so why judge it? Maybe try to understand it...but don't judge it...it's too easy to do that from the outside...such a different situation when you're IN it.

stargirl69

covered in bliss wrote:

Dispicable? I think you're being a little harsh, stargirl. I'm sure there's a lot more to the situation and unless you've lived it yourself, you have no idea.

I find the actions dispicable ... not the person.

If you read TravisTheSky's very first post and subsequent posts he clearly states that he has no issue with taking all the money he can get from who ever will hand it out ... but then states so clearly his disregard and dislike for his family.The very people who are subsidising his lifestyle.

You are right I have not lived within such circumstances,however someone who posts such a lengthy account of the issues with their family and how they manage this cannot expect to post such an account without other poster's comments.
I tried very much to understand Travis's actions,and many comments he made left me feel sad for his situation as I already stated.However overall I was left with a feeling of the ACTION of using family members financial aid then diregarding them at every turn dispicable.

covered in bliss

stargirl69 wrote:

covered in bliss wrote:

Dispicable? I think you're being a little harsh, stargirl. I'm sure there's a lot more to the situation and unless you've lived it yourself, you have no idea.

I find the actions dispicable ... not the person.

If you read TravisTheSky's very first post and subsequent posts he clearly states that he has no issue with taking all the money he can get from who ever will hand it out ... but then states so clearly his disregard and dislike for his family.The very people who are subsidising his lifestyle.

You are right I have not lived within such circumstances,however someone who posts such a lengthy account of the issues with their family and how they manage this cannot expect to post such an account without other poster's comments.
I tried very much to understand Travis's actions,and many comments he made left me feel sad for his situation as I already stated.However overall I was left with a feeling of the ACTION of using family members financial aid then diregarding them at every turn dispicable.

IMO, the actions aren't dispicable. They are different from anything YOU would do, you've made that clear. Please keep in mind the fact that your moral compass is your own, ya know?

If my family threw money at me, I would suck it all in, for sure. They can't take it with them when they die and surely something should make up for the shit that was 1969 - 1985. Sorry if you find that offensive. Again... your moral compass is your own.

I should add that my family has never thrown money at me and they never will. They will drive 5 hours to babysit and I'd be a fool to NOT take it. On the other hand... my parents send my sister cash whenever she asks for it. Like, hundreds at a time. I've recently discovered that the relationship -I- have with them WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AS the relationship -SHE- has with them.

Accepting anything with conditions.... I could see where that could be seen as dispicable. It's also unrealistic. Everything has conditions when you think about it.

Heatherj43

All I know is that I didn't pick these people to be my family. I don't have to love them just because they are family. I don't have to care either.
I pick my friends, and even that I question.
I simply do no like many family members. I hate when people say, "well I love him/her because she/he is family, but I don't like them". BS, If you don't like them you probably don't love them and feel you have to love them cuz they are family. You do not have to love them!!

There are many in my life I care way more about!!

pandora

Forgiving is an important factor to growth as a human being. If you can't forgive its you that is chained it is you that suffers. Forgetting is entirely different matter. We learn from what we remember.
For us to forgive depends on whether we believe the person who has hurt us has done this knowingly, if they will continue to hurt us and if they now regret what they have done.
It seems to me that people disown family because they can not will not forgive. Some instances of horrific abuse etc they should not but in those cases something has to be resolved for peace of mind. One can't live their life as a victim.
All of us make mistakes mostly because at the time we lack insight. Most people would like to know that they have hurt someone close to them- most people really want to understand and heal relationships. I think if you open lines of communication and try to see the events from all perspectives a family can heal.
My situation as a child , for myself and my sisters, it molded us, effected our self esteem, damaged trust and made us the adults we are. My eldest has passed and I'm not sure came to terms before.That is the saddest for me. One of my sisters will never forgive and the missed relationship with our parents shows me that coming to terms and trying to understand has freed me. I choose to see the love because it was there no matter the mistakes made.

patrickredeyes

I was ready to reach out to my sister and end our standoff. But after the shit she pulled Saturday I don't know now. :?
It was my dad's birthday Saturday and I made sure to wish him a happy birthday b4 I left for the airport and even called him b4 the Philly show a couple times. But during the day my good sister came down to my folks house with her kids and they had cards and gifts for my dad. Well as soon as they were there the phone rang and it was my other sister. She talks to my mom and heard my nephew and sister in the background. She asks my mom are you having a party for dad? My mother says no and tells her your sister came down with the kids just to wish him a happy birthday. Lynn hangs up the on my mother. A few mins later the phone rings again and my mother answers. It's lynn's son asking to speak to Grampa. My dad talks to him for a while and then asks him to put his mother on. He replies my mom doesn't wanna talk to you. IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY AND SHE WON'T TALK TO HIM...ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!! And she makes her son call and say that. I am clueless on what to do now. I know my dad was upset and so was my mother. In the past year we have gone threw so much and she still acts like this. It's very sad and very upsetting. :evil: :roll: :?

pandora

patrickredeyes wrote:

I was ready to reach out to my sister and end our standoff. But after the shit she pulled Saturday I don't know now. :?
It was my dad's birthday Saturday and I made sure to wish him a happy birthday b4 I left for the airport and even called him b4 the Philly show a couple times. But during the day my good sister came down to my folks house with her kids and they had cards and gifts for my dad. Well as soon as they were there the phone rang and it was my other sister. She talks to my mom and heard my nephew and sister in the background. She asks my mom are you having a party for dad? My mother says no and tells her your sister came down with the kids just to wish him a happy birthday. Lynn hangs up the on my mother. A few mins later the phone rings again and my mother answers. It's lynn's son asking to speak to Grampa. My dad talks to him for a while and then asks him to put his mother on. He replies my mom doesn't wanna talk to you. IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY AND SHE WON'T TALK TO HIM...ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!! And she makes her son call and say that. I am clueless on what to do now. I know my dad was upset and so was my mother. In the past year we have gone threw so much and she still acts like this. It's very sad and very upsetting. :evil: :roll: :?

To be in a family and be the bad sister must be just awful. To have a good sister even worse. To be the son of the bad sister worst of all. No matter what the mistakes always for the children try to repair. They deserve to be in a family of love if at all possible.